- 4 years ago
So Ive been having a rough morning thanks to my awesome brain.. for a more detailed background on my insecurities, you can read my last post from months ago on jealousy. It decided to poke its big fat head again, not sure why!!! cant think of a trigger, maybe that my guy is leaving soon for military training and I am looking for reasons subconcously to be mad at him.. no idea…
Truth is I have a great guy (been together for about a year now), a guy I strongly believe may be the one I want to marry one day.. but he has a past… its not even a “dark” past.. just a normal person past where he had other love interests before me, shocker! and yet I get so hung up on one girl in particular… They didn’t even date! I am more threatened by her than his ex of 5 years! or the girl he had a one night stand with!
Not sure if its becuase this girl was right before me, or becuase they didnt date, or because she’s from the same tiny island as he is, or beacuse they’re both military… but it eats me up inside when my brain decides to think about her! He told me about his past interests when we started dating, he was open and honest, but in my head it became a thing wehre I strongly felt that becuase that never developed, since they had to part ways after training, him being inthe US and her being in Guam, that she became his “the one that got away… what coulve been..”
He never said that, I just inferred, he also never brings her up aside from that, and aside from that time (from my last post) that he mentioned having messaged her to kinda see how she had been, sicne it had been a while. (Please read the last post to understand :))
anyway! he reassured me and even showed me the messages of what was said, and the conversation didnt last long ebcause he stopped replying.. it was a quick, hey how are things, good, you, good type of thing with a quick run of what was new.. and that was it.. plus after he saw how upset/hurt I was that he would contact an “old flame” he said that he would stop if I found it innappropriate.
So this morning, after being fine with it for months! I somehwo started thinking of how easy it is to delete messages withing messages on facebook.. and how maybe that’s what he did, then I thought, no.. thats too shady and planned out, if he really wanted to do that it would make him a horrible guy and I can’t see him going to that extent to lie to me.
But then I realized the stem of all tha tfear is not that he is contacting her now, but that in his heart he wants her, but I am just more convenient since I live in the same state (2 hours away)…
I was getting so eaten up that I had to at least let him know what was on my mind since he could tell over the phone that I wasn’t being mysef… and he was very understanding and patient. Saying he wants me because he chooses to be with me, not ebcuase I am convenient and that he doesn’t have a thing for her.. that contacting her in the first place was as a friend, nothing else… I should believe him because honestly, I wouldve never known of the message if he hadn’t told me, or seen it if he hadn’t shown me… so why tell me he mesaged her in the first place if he was gonna cheat or lie right? I can’t even remember how the message came up, I think I had mentioned that she commented his fb picture of graduation sa ying congrats, and I made a snarky remark, and he jsut said brought it up…
Since then, the only times she comes up is when I bring her up, so its not like he makes her a thing, but I make her a thing and want to stop.. I tell myself, if he wanted her too badly, he wouldve pursued her harder, if he wanted to message her and cheat, he wouldve! so why will my brain torture me saying “well its easy to delete messages.. well of course hes not with ehr shes far away… well he messaged her becuase he has a thing for her and really wanted to know how she was… ” and the torture list goes on and on..
As much as he is patient with me when the anxiety strikes, I need to stop beucase I dont want him to think I don’t trust him.. I do! I can’t picture him blatanly cheating, but I am so afraid and mad I cant read his mind to trully see whether his feelings for her are gone, or not.. and i KNOW that’s not possible, i can never know for sure I just have to trust..
So can any of you relate at all? maybe not to my extent, but just in insecurity of your guys past? whether he trully moved on? or that sort of “ex insecurity”?
I dont really vent to friends because I don’t like them knowting every little thing that goes on, and I do vent to him but I mean i am sure his patience and tolerance has a limit.
I am tired of torturing myself by creeping on her pictures and thinking “ah so pretty, i am sure he still wishes he coudlve dated her” I mean its sad and pathetic and embarrassing to admit, but I am just trying to be as open as possible…
Other than that annoying insecurity, everything else if great! he tries his best to work issues out with me, we are happy, he is loving, and sweet and caring and I don’t want to mess thsi up by dwelling on a girl tha tmay not even be a thing!!
But it’s hard for me to know if those thoughts are my spidey senses talking saying “hey alert.. she IS a threat”, or just paranoia..
if you guys deal with these bursts of insecurities and ideas, how do you cope? I know trust is key, but its so much easier said than done!
Thank you bees! and sorry for the long post.. I am just so blah this morning, sure it will pass! but just annoying when it happens and looking for someone that maybe goes through the same>?