Do you ever feel insecure about his past love interests?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

willow_1960:  

There, all better! 😀

In other words, calm down, take a deep breath, play with some baby kittens, and stop worrying about problems that aren’t even problems. There is a reason you feel insecure and it isn’t because he has a female friend. It’s because you aren’t thinking highly of your own self worth. Work on loving yourself more!! Also, freaking out over every little thing is very unattractive/can lead to controling behavior. Just chill. Everything is fine. He sounds like a great guy, and you are just scared of losing him. Stop waiting for something bad to happen and just enjoy your relationship! And if you have a hard time dealing with this problem on your own, talk to a friend, therapist, etc. Talking it out works wonders. Best of luck. 🙂

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  MrsRoberts52.
  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  MrsRoberts52.
Post # 5
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

willow_1960:  Haha I added to my post because I thought it might have come across as me poking fun at you, which wasn’t what I was going for. I just love that gif hahaha

Post # 6
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I struggled with a few of the same feelings at first. Of course it’s hard to think about your SO being with someone else. In my case it was especially hard because he’s my first everything and I’m his first nothing. So I would think about how awesome it would be if we were eachother’s only everything. But that’s not reality so I had to let that go. It took a few months but I did and I’m very happy with him regardless of his past.

You are way past the few months mark, lady. And he’s told you multiple times that he loves you and wants to be with only you and this other girl doesn’t matter. You just have to trust that he is with YOU because he WANTS to be. You’re not some consolation prize because he missed out on whatever girl in the past.

He loves YOU and you have to let go of his past if you want to be his present and his future.

It’s hard but instead of working yourself up and thinking of his past all the time, think about how great being with him now is. How much better he is for you, how much better you are for him. How you both make each other happy. Focus on the present, not the past.

And stop thinking he’s deleting his messages! He sounds like he has never given you a reason to feel this way, so trust that he’s being open and honest with you until he gives you a reason not to think this. It sounds like he’s been more than accomodating of your anxiety in this situation.

Don’t let him slip out of your hands because of a silly insecurity you couldn’t let go of. He’s great. You’re great. Believe it! =)

Post # 7
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Stop bringing her up. I doubt he would have brought up the fact that he texted her if he was going to then go behind your back and message her constantly. Move on before you push him away by making a mountain out of a molehill. 

Post # 8
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Never forget: everything that has happened in your FI’s past – good, bad, and ugly – has worked to prepare him for the person he is today. The person who loves you. The person who chose you. Don’t begrudge him the experiences that taught him how to love or feel or be the human he is now. All the women who are in his past are there for a reason: the present is reserved for you.

Just remind yourself of this whenever that insecurity/jealousy starts to creep up, and you’ll be fine 🙂

Post # 9
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I recommend getting over this if you want to have a future with this guy.  Stat.

I can relate… to a point, but I too had to get over any insecurites I had about my SO’s ex because she is the mother of his child.  And you know what?  I LOVE HER!  She’s fantastic!  We get along great and she’s so awesome with my involvement with her son’s life!  The only thing that still bugs me is when my SO’s mother posts a picture of his ex on her Facebook and says “prettiest picture ever!”  But his mother also says how happy I make her son and how much she loves me, so it’s silly to be concerned with my FMIL’s spurts of unneccessary craziness.

Post # 10
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Sunset Hills Country Club

My FH is a male nurse and he works with only females, and to top it off he was a bit of a player when he was younger. We live in a small town and see his ex’s regularly, so I either had to put on my big girl panties and deal with his past and his work or I had to move on. I decided if I would be happier without him or with him, if I could handle his past or not. Well, today marks our 5th anniversary and we’re getting married Saturday. You have to decide if this is worth losing him. If you just cannot trust him (which I would so totally trust him if I were you) then you need to leave him. This level of anxiety is unhealthy for the both of you. Trust your guy, he’s not done anything for you not to.

 

Post # 11
Member
3695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

You have got to stop thinking about her and definitely stop bringing her up. You’re only annoying him and pushing him away by being so paranoid about this. He chose to be with you and not because you’re convienent. Living 2 hours away is not convienent. If he reallly was only looking for convienence, he would date someone who lives in his town, but he isn’t, he’s dating you. From the sounds of it, he’s been pretty open about her and hasn’t given you any reason to believe that he’s hiding something. I think you’re best just to push this out of your mind, when you think of her, start reading a magazine article or playing on online game or something else to get your mind off of her. I know it’s hard, but if you want any future with this guy or any guy really, you need to be able to deal with the fact that he was interested in other girls before you were together. 

Post # 12
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I do, but not for the reasons you do. In fact, I come with far more baggage than he does in this regard. I’m the girl no one thought he would end up with. I’m the girl that was the “one that got away” for him and a lot of people were against me. there is a girl that he dated for 3 months in high school. And she always just held out hope that he would want to date her again when they were adults. He never did. She just never was that for him. She’s  part of his circle of friends since she’s the BFF of one of his close female friends. So she’s at dinner parties, weekend outings, you name it, she’s usually there. I know his group of friends likes me and is totally supportive of us, they have said as much and their actions show it. But I also know that even though they like me and realize how happy we are, that somehow they wish he had ended up with this girl because it would have just been kind of nice to have their entire group kind of pair off. He’s theo nly one who didn’t end up with someone from their group. They all went to high school together and over the years they all kind of paired off and got married to someone in their group. She’s the only one of the girls who didn’t end up with a guy from their group too and I can’t help but feel like his entire group was hoping that he would change his mind and end up with her somehow.

Keep in mind, he had plenty of opportunity to be with her and I have no reason at all to think he somehow secretly wants her or anything like that at all. I’m not even threatened by her for stupid reasons like her being prettier or better somehow, as bad as it sounds I know that realistically I win in everyway if you’re going to compare us on paper. But knowing that I’m the only outsider and it would have been more fitting for him to end up with her just makes me really insecure. totally insane, unreasonable and uncalled for. But those feelings are there. He has told me numerous times that I’m what he wants and what he’s wanted for a very long time and he wouldn’t give me up for anything or anyone. So I had to just let it go or risk doing damage to our relationship.

The only way I was able to move past these feelings for the most part is to constantly (and I do mean constantly) remind myself how good he is to me and how hard he has fought to get here with me. So  you aren’t alone in being completely unreasonable. But you are being unreasonable since he has made it clear he wants you. I find it helps to make a logical list in my head of all the reasons it makes no sense to feel insecure about this. I wrote it all down one day and when that insecurity creeps up I read everything I wrote and remind myself why I’m being ridiculous. It helps. Even though it sounds silly.

Post # 13
Member
1055 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Loft

willow_1960:  I have some minor insecurities over things I cannot change. For example, my FI has dated a few beautiful, exotic women before me. I sometimes feel a little insecure that maybe he found that more attractive, and maybe I’m boring but then i think about it and like HOW STUPID IS THAT. I can’t change the way I look and I wouldn’t want to. Attraction is there based on the couple. Not what you look like or what you’ve done with that person. He’s probably had better sex with someone, but we have the rest of our lives together to have good sex.

Post # 14
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

willow_1960:  Girl, stop that. You’ve gotta get over this or you will ruin your relationship with these paranoid thoughts. Consider talking to a therapist to learn why these insecurities are coming up and how you can stop it. Promise yourself that you will not bring her up to him anymore and stick to it. Voicing these paranoid concerns only adds fuel to the fire because then he’s got to defend himself and you analyze the defense and you’re right back where you started.

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