Post # 1
I was just curious because I love my FI to death and can’t wait to be married, but sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted or doesn’t pay attention to me unless another guy is paying attention to me (ex. tonight we went to an art gallery show and he wandered off on his own, but then would magically reappear and be very lovey whenever a guy would start talking to me). Nothing big or drastic, just small and annoying. We have a great relationship except for that and I was wondering if other bees have had this and how you’ve dealt with it…
Post # 3
@renwoman: I voted that it has happened on several times. Mainly when we have the kids. (His 2 sons, ages 9 and 11)
The last time I feel FI took me for granted was last Wednesday. I had class until 2:30 and than at 3 when my niece got hom I wanted to go to the gym. We had discussed this the night before.
Wednesday we get the boys from 3:30 to 7pm. FI had to go up to his cousins to help him weld something, so I asked if he was taking the boys. He said no, that he would wait until I got back so that I could make them dinner. GRRR
I get that the kitchen is “my” area, but damn one day you can make dinner for them!!!
Post # 4
@renwoman: So you were essentially hanging out by yourself at an event unless some guy showed interest in you? Sorry, just trying to clarify your explanation. If so, that is kind of lame of him.
I used to feel like my DH took me for granted when it came to me taking care of our pets, the bills and planning for our futures together (retirement, home purchase, etc). I used to manage almost all of that on my own. But then I realized it was the way I was approaching it. I am very detail oriented and want things “set in stone” months in advance. My DH likes to deal with things one month at a time (at most). So after some serious conversations and realizing our difference in stances, we came to a compromise and strategy to approach it where we were both involved.
My DH and I have been together for 10 years now. It has taken a lot of communication, but we are at a point where we value each other equally, though we show it differently. My DH shows his appreciation and love for me through gifts (his love language). I show him my love/appreciation for him through affection.
Perhaps you could have a converesation with your SO about how his actions are making you feel.
Post # 5
@bmo88: We had gone to the gallery show together, but it was really something he wanted to go to more than me. When we got there (together) he just wandered off in one direction assuming that I would follow him. I was going my own thing, but it was odd that any time a guy would start talking to me (note that I was wearing my ring and I would never even consider anything other than conversation with another guy), his magical radar would somehow go off and then he’d be by my side and attentive and romantic. He’s not a very PDA person which is no problem so the timing was interesting, and part of me thought ‘dude, why can’t you do this just because and not because I’m talking to another guy’.
Sorry for the long explaination. I’d like to have a conversation with him about it but don’t really know how to start it so that it doesn’t sound like I’m mad or overly negative. Any thoughts?
Post # 6
All the time and it’s the #1 thing that kills me. I feel like I put way more effort into our relationship and think about him every time I make a decision, whereas I’m usually the last one to know about his decisions and he doesn’t think about my reaction or how his paths affect me. He also has a skewed perception about financial contributions, possibly because he doesn’t deal with many of the same bills for services we both benefit from. Bleh, ranting a bit now. If things don’t turn around within the next several months I might move out and see how he does on his own for a bit. I just wish I could get his dad to cut him off, having your dad bail you out when you’re nearly 30 isn’t exactly the most grown up, independent thing to do.
ETA: I also have substancial goals for my career because I want us both to be able to live very full lives. His goals are more short-term or pipedreams that he’s starting to run out of time to fulfil, and he puts off paid work to do these hobbies, ugh… I just don’t understand, I think that the more educated I become the bigger the gap I’m noticing, which is very normal and one of the major reasons I wouldn’t want to get engaged or anything until after I’m done with the bulk of my schooling.
Post # 7
I feel like sometimes I take him for granted, and I hate it. I always worry that he will leave me for someone better who isn’t so messed up, and has full control of their life, and is 100% stable and fully supporting themselves. I can’t work or go to university right now, am terrible with money, still live with my parents and often rely on FI for help financially. He works full time. But I do what I can, tell him several times a day how much I love him, show him all the time, and when it comes to chores that we both have to do, we do equal parts. So I take him for granted in some ways, yes.
But I don’t think he takes me for granted, at all. Although I have more goals and ambitions than he does. He doesn’t know what he wants to do yet, beyond getting some sort of qualification/tertiary study done. I have one degree done, and am partway through a Masters, but that’s on hold right now.
Post # 8
@renwoman: I’d like to say never, but I don’t think that’s very realistic. Everyone assumes, expects or takes something for granted once in awhile. But he does show appreciation often. Compliments my cooking or my outfit or cleaning. Shows that he notices. And he cetainly appreciates the same from me.
Post # 9
I went with once in a while because there wasn’t a “sometimes” or “occasionally” option. It’s not “very rare” but maybe every few months something will happen to make me say “YOU’RE WELCOME!”
Post # 10
I voted “once in a great while.” I am sure that I am guilty of it as well. I can’t think of any specific things as an example, but there will be moments in every relationship. I think that we are both very careful to make sure we show the other our appreciation.
Post # 11
No, I don’t. I am sure there will come a time when it feels as though we have taken each other for granted, but with our present situation, it’s difficult to. I am moving to another country to be with him, leaving behind my culture, family, and friends. He understands the weight of that decision, and he is very grateful and shows it.
But no doubt a time will come in later years where we take each other for granted. That’s natural. But it definitely shouldn’t be a permanent state.
Post # 12
I clicked once in a very rare while. This may sound very house-wifey and 50s but I’ll get annoyed and hurt when he forgets to thank me for cooking a nice meal, ironing his shirts or do some of the housework that he hates doing. He works full time and I’m a student so I have more time for these things and don’t want to spend our weekends together cleaning or doing laundry. I feel like I let him know how I appreciate him supporting me in my everyday life, and that he’ll sometimes forget how much time household tasks can take up. It doesn’t take much for him to realise if I feel overlooked though… I think it’s human to take each other for granted in these small ways. So many things to keep in mind….
Post # 13
@misstwinkle: That doesn’t sound 50’s house wifey at all! I think it’s a fair expectation for him to show more gratitude, especially given that you do it. We thank each other after making dinner and show gratitude for help with chores/household tasks.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2014 - Jacksonville Inn
We never take each other for granted. We both experianced that in past relationships, being taken for granted. My partner and I are both very careful not to fall into that pattern with each other. Her happiness is my top priority and my happiness is her top priority. It’s what works for us and we are very happy.
Post # 15
We both do, once in a very great while! We are only human.
Post # 16
It has not happened to me yet. We’re a young couple though (1 year and a half) I guess it can happen over time, but until now it has not been the case. He tells me he loves me and that I’m beautiful every day. He thanks me whenever I cook a meal or do his laundry. He does chores too, and without me asking. If I want to eat from the restaurant he will go. Sometimes he will take care of my car / start it and shovel around it in winter while I do my makeup in the bathroom, so I don’t have to freeze outside before I go to work. He’s really caring and I don’t feel he takes me for granted. Yet ! lol.