(Closed) do you ever feel like you’re growing apart because you’re not moving forward?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
162 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve had similar feelings. Once upon a time, my SO and I were really close and spent a lot of time together. Now we’re lucky if we see each other twice a week. Our relationship is still stable and loving, but increasingly distant.

I suppose I’m losing interest a little because the relationship is stagnating. There are no plans for the future beyond continuing to tick along as we do now. Other areas of my life are moving forward but the relationship is just standing still, so understandably I focus my interest and energy on the areas of my life which ARE progressing. I don’t feel like I’m his priority and I’m increasingly doing my own thing, going out with my friends, etc.

It’s sad in a way, because there was a time when I was totally in love with him and wanting to move the relationship forward. That would have been the ideal time to propose, to keep things moving. I still love him but the lack of progress in the relationship means it’s diminished in importance compared to things which ARE progressing.

Post # 4
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I felt exactly the same way a couple of weeks ago. I actually told him our relationship felt like it was going backwards, and he told me it was impossible. In my case though, it wasn’t directly a result of waiting. He was always on his computer when we were together playing video games. And I’m a gamer, but he couldn’t pick something we could do together, so I basically got ignored all day for several weeks. I was so sick of it that I felt emotionally numb. I made him take his computer home (I didn’t want it here in the first place) and things really have been getting better since. Waiting is really very hard on the mind. It made me question everything about our relationship and I felt like a crazy person, but I think it will get better if you can find a way to focus on enjoying your time together. This is all assuming that it’s not necessary to get married right now.

Post # 5
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@alwaysamaid:  Do you have a timeline in place?

To be honest I also had similar feelings before we had the timeline talk. Waiting really messed with my head (especially since everyone around us was getting engaged / married) and I started to pull away from the relationship because I felt that it was never going to happen. We ended up talking about it and he’s asked for the year to organize himself. It’s been a lot better between us, and the waiting isn’t so bad ๐Ÿ™‚ you just need to talk it out. 

Post # 6
1013 posts
Bumble bee

I am here…right now…i’m here right now with you. 

I’ve been really struggling with things lately. About to actually post something that might help you. 

Post # 7
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I was feeling this way alot lately, so finally I couldn’t take it anymore and told my boyfriend we needed to talk. I told him I felt like we weren’t moving forward and it was building up resentment in me. The result? He told me we were moving forward and offered to take me to go ring shopping in about a month or so. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I 100% understand your feelings. I think this is why I struggle with the Mr. Bee’s Pact so much. Everything about it is almost pulling out of the relationship and I don’t understand how it can help make things go forward. When I go downstairs to workout and leave him at home to hang out with the girls, I feel guilty and as if I’m single again. It pains me more and makes me want to try to ‘fix’ something.

Post # 9
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@alwaysamaid:  You are not alone in these thoughts!  Only a few months ago I was a CRAZY waiting bee who could not stop talking about rings and weddings and the whole thing with SO.  And then, in just the past few weeks, I’ve stopped.  Don’t get me wrong, I love SO and still look forward to our life together…but I think the waiting process is becoming more routine.  That’s okay.  Phases in waiting are totally normal.  I wouldn’t say that you’re growing apart from your SO, but rather that you’re just going through another phase of the process. 

Post # 10
2765 posts
Sugar bee

@jpalm13: The primary goal of the plan isn’t to withdraw from the relationship… it’s to regain a sense of control over your life, by focusing on things you can control.  As opposed to, focusing on something that’s harder to control (like, when someone else decides to propose to you).

It may be that just adding a few things to your life (say, working out downstairs) is enough for you to feel that sense of control.  If that’s the case, you can skip other things that make you feel single and like you’re pulling out of the relationship!

Post # 11
87 posts
Worker bee

@alwaysamaid  that’s exactly why I haven’t been posting as much.  I think I have just accepted that it might not be in the cards.  I feel like I’ve done all that I can do and given all that I had to give in the relationship.  I’ve started focusing more on me and what I want out of life.  I also decided that if we make it to the end of our lease in August, and there’s no ring, I’m moving out.  At some point you have to just throw in the towel.  I think I’m almost there.  In fact, spending so much time hanging out with my friends or doing my own thing has me feeling a lot more like the girl I was when we met.  It is surprisingly refreshing.  I don’t feel nearly as stressed out or anxious about waiting.  If it happens, it happens.  If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  Heck, the way I’ve been feeling lately, I’m almost afraid for him to propose.  I don’t think I would be able to muster the “proper” reaction.  Maybe I’m just jaded…

Post # 12
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First, I think you should talk with your SO to make sure you are both on the same page. If so, my best advice would be to step back and relax. Trust me, obsession with getting engaged is only going to put strain on your relationship, and it’s going to ruin your proposal when it does actually come.

Just be still and be excited for the future.

That being said, if you guys aren’t on the same page, you really need to reconsider your relationship goals, especially if you are feeling as if you are backing away…

Post # 13
1013 posts
Bumble bee

@mrbee:  This is an important note.  To have that feeling that you can regain some of the control in your life. 

Post # 14
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I feel like this a lot, probably because we’re already long distance.  I feel like I’ve been taking better care of myself.  Maybe also because he’s been stressed out with work a lot and hasn’t had too much time for me.  I’m getting kind of sick of waiting around for him every evening though.

I also kind of feel a bit jaded, like by the time he does get around to asking me, I don’t know if I would be excited by it anymore.  He’s kind of set up a catch-22, where he doesn’t want to get engaged until we have firm plans to get back in the same town, and I don’t want to move anywhere unless I’m engaged, even though I hate where I’m living.

So I don’t know.  I’ve decided that if we’re not engaged by the time I graduate from grad school next Spring, I’m pulling out.  I don’t have years and years to wait on someone who doesn’t know for sure if he wants to be with me or not.  I kind of feel like his whole needing-a-plan thing is a stall, because he rarely plans anything.  Plus if he’s not willing to make a plan with me then obviously he doesn’t want to put what he needs into the relationship.

Post # 15
21 posts
  • Wedding: June 2013

i felt the same way.. i started to care less and less..i thought FOR SURE WITHOUT A DOUBT..he would be proposing by the end of 2011..and when i found out he wasnt going to i started to feel very very very defeated… i didnt bring it up for a few months but was still thinking about it…then i got really drunk and just broke down one night. i was very reasonable but told him things i wouldn’t have told him otherwise. it was the best thing i could’ve done. the next day he told me we could look at rings and we have been talking about the details of our future wedding ever since. he is very involved and i can definitely tell things are different (aka he doesnt change the subject, HE brings up details, and he was so excited picking out rings.)

i have been there though and i know how you feel.

im not suggested you get drunk ๐Ÿ™‚ but you should definitely have a heart to heart. see where he is at. he may be closer than you think ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 16
368 posts
Helper bee

I am in the same boat. I can feel this rift in our relationship due to him not proposing. I don’t resent him, but I am having a hard time just understanding why. I recently enrolled in college again, and I’m moving forward with so many things in my life. Things are good at my job, and I’m hoping to God they stay that way. I am working my butt off for my degree. I am trying to get my debt paid down, and get a good credit score. If he doesn’t propose by the end of our lease I will be moving out, maybe even sooner. Sadly the only place I will be able to go to is to my parents.

I honestly can’t wait past the six year mark, it will crush me. I think over 5 and a half years is more than enough time for him to push things forward. He has the ring, so there is nothing stopping him. Just writing that makes me so frustrated, and kind of well up. I’m not having the best waiting day…

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