Do you ever feel your in-laws purposely exclude you?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

that’s really weird!

I don’t feel like my in-laws exclude me–they’re very gracious all around. and his sister isn’t married or even dating so there’s nothing to compare my relationship too–but I’ve noticed that sometimes my parents will send an email to me, my brother, and my sil and leave my husband off of it. nothing that’s very important–it’ll be like a news article or their contact info if they’re travelling or something–but it’s just so weird because they adore my dh, and actually have an easier, lower-maintence, less conflict-ridden relationship with him than they do my bro and sil! I think maybe it’s because I have better communication with them than my brother and sil do, so they know that I’ll pass the message along, whereas if they don’t tell both of them it could get lost? one of these days I’ll say something about it, haha

Post # 4
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@CookieCreamCakes:  I would ask FI to mention, “you know, we both did x, y, z and it would be gracious of you to acknowledge it.” She is purposely being rude to you and it’s uncalled for. At least it doesn’t bother you!

My family goes out of the way to include FI in everything – he’s a part of the family. We don’t really see FI’s family so neither of us care to be included in any of those events, lol.  

Post # 6
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

@CookieCreamCakes:  my in laws are the same:(

I’ve been married to their son for 15 years and they are always friendly but they have no real desire to include me or even try to know me better. I’ve learned to realise that its never going to change. Sometimes it does hurt my feelings especially when I’m last to know any exciting family news eg- pregnancies, engagements.  

I hope your situation improves:) 

Post # 7
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

FI had surgery 6 weeks ago and nearly died. I had his siblings and nephew hurling abuse at me across the intensive care waiting room (“she’s nothing, that ring means effing nothing… We’re blood, she doesn’t matter!”) despite the fact we’ve been together 7.5 years, engaged 6.5. I had no choice but to tell FI when he was well enough. He’s furious. When he’s recovered enough he’s going to get stuck into them all, but he’s already dropping hints that he’s prepared to cut them off.

my MIL thought the sun shone out my hiney. Sadly she passed away 4 years ago. If she’d been around there’s no way the others would have behaved that way.

so in a word, yes. Ha.

Post # 8
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Yes, they do exclude me – but I don’t really care at this point, they’ve treated FI badly over the years and I’m polite but very distant. And they live near us too (FMIL and FSIL), I NEVER visit them if I can help it.


Post # 8
1 posts

Sorry this is long….I have been dealing with this issue for years. My husband and I were together for 7 years before we got engaged. In the beginning, for the first few years or so, his mom simply failed to ever include me in a verbal invite to an event: “Matt, we hope you can come for Easter” or “We’d love it if you could come” or “do you want to come over for dinner next week?” We were living together after 2 years, and still she never said: “can you guys come?” He would say to me “it’s implied” or “of course you are invited”. It ate at me and caused many fights, so eventually he called them out and she began to verbally invite “us” and not just him.

But she then she started a new tactic, where she would come up with plans and not tell him, mostly little things that involved a hockey ticket, to try to lock him in. One time he was going to go to a hockey game with his dad, he gets there and the mom and sis and sis’ boyfriend were there, had the sisters birthday dinner before the game, and had gotten extra tickets for them so they all went to the game. 

Finally we got engaged, we were so excited, etc. During our engagement, his grandfather died, and without telling him again, she booked tickets to TX for the funeral, for her and the dad, the SIL and her husband of a year, and Matt. A ticket was not purchased for his fiancé and GF of 7 years. They did not even mention me until my fiancé called them very upset. It was horrible. we tried to buy me a ticket, but the cost was $2000 on such short notice, and so we decided for 2 days it was financially impossible. Worst weekend for the both of us.

We were married this last November. I am a nurse, and had to work on xmas day, so my family had a big thing on xmas eve, invited them and they came and we all had a great time. (Weirdly, MIL and I get along great when we are together, which just makes it all the more confusing).

Then a few days after xmas, she called left a message for my husband: “since we didnt spend xmas day together, and mb (me) has to work, we were hoping you could come and we can have a little Christmas together as a family” (exaft words!)

Not even married a month, and she is trying to have a private Christmas on the one day i could not come, “apparently” that was the only day the sis could do it. I guess Christmas with my family didnt count. He told her no, not appropriate if i couldn’t b there, his new bride.!

I have grown a lot over the years, most of the time i don’t let it get to me, but sometimes it still stings…Please tell me if I am overreacting. Or just need a thicker skin…thanks for reading

Post # 9
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Keepers all these MIL sound Bloody awful!

my MIL is lovely and wouldn’t exclude me out of anything. She has 3 sons and always wanted daughters, so now her 3 sons have partners she treats us like we are her own kids. It’s such a lovely close family, and since my family lives in NZ I feel very lucky.

Im pretty sure that if I had a crazy MIL my FI would put a stop to any nonsense pretty quick.

Post # 10
320 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

CookieCreamCakes:  YES!  My inlaws can run so hot and cold.  One minute, when husband’s sister is not around, they’re great, the next we are black sheep.  They blatantly favor his sister and family.  They literally act like they can do no wrong.   Sometimes I feel the favoritism is because they have children and just announced another pregnancy, while my husband abe I have been trying for years now without success.  Most recently they had planned a dinner outting for almost a week, SIL had invited inlaws out to dinner with her family.  We were not invited…until about 2 hours before they were leaving and we had made other plans. They’re overall just inconsiderate and hurtful at times.  Idk what to think most times. 

Post # 11
95 posts
Worker bee

The MIL/FIL dynamic is actually part of the reason my first marriage ended in divorce, no specifics needed. I just learned that the behavior will not stop it’ll just change in its delivery. 

Post # 12
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Just recently I have noticed that I have been totally excluded, which at this point I am glad because my FI has so much drama it makes me sick. FI cannot even stand his family and recently his family is dealing with his sister was cheated on (she was supposed to get married 3 weeks after us .. that is a whole other dramatic story) and I was totally excluded on the “family talk” that FI’s dad wanted .. I dont’t care anymore, I used to care about not being included but I am so much happier. 

Post # 13
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My relationship with my in laws runs very hot and cold. When we are in the same room and in front for my husband, they are so nice and inclusive. When I am not in front of them they completely forget I exist. We have had many issues over the years about them completely and intentionally excluding me and making repeated comments about how I am ‘not really family’. I had finally made peace with this relationship,  I decided that maybe this is just how they are with everyone… Now my BIL has a new GF… You would think the sun shines out of her a&&. They are constanly going out of their way to make sure that she is feeling included and taken care of, they will organise functions around her timetable, my SIL is introducing her to her oldest friends and she is taking her out to brunches/lunches and dinners every week. She hasn’t been around long, and they bend over backwards for her. Meanwhile,  I spent years really, really trying to build a good relationship with my SO’s family and putting in a lot of time and effort to do this. I still get forgotten about, while she is adored without having to even try! I have brought this up with my husband, he has told me that the reason they are being so nice to the new GF, is that they realised how many mistakes with me in the past and they are trying to make up for it by being nicer to my BIL’s GF… Umm What?? I’m actually married to your son, you treated me like s%$@ for years, you intentiontionally made me feel like I am not welcome in your family and the way you make up for it is to continue to act as though I don’t exist, while doting on a GF who may not be around in 2 weeks time?

Post # 14
3115 posts
Sugar bee


the reason they are being so nice to the new GF, is that they realised how many mistakes with me in the past and they are trying to make up for it by being nicer to my BIL’s GF

 What a perfectly crap attempt  at an explanation . Men (well most of ’em) are so hopeless at these things , mine would be the same………….

Post # 15
492 posts
Helper bee

My FI and I do not have anything to do with FMIL, and haven’t for a couple of years however at the start of our relationship when we went round, she was lovely to me, treated me better than FI! however she hated me, spoke badly of me and was nasty, thanfully since FI and his mother had a very tempermental relationship to begin with he wasn’t fussed about cutting her out 100%, she is not even coming to our wedding (she doesn’t know yet!) so that will be a new level of drama when that comes out!

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