(Closed) Do you ever go to bed angry?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you go to bed angry after a fight?
    yes : (40 votes)
    66 %
    no : (17 votes)
    28 %
    other : (4 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    365 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I don’t want to but I am SOOO stubborn I do anyways. FI doesn’t really do anything to try to change that. He thinks it is best to give me my space LOL. I am a taurus so it is in my nature to be stubborn.

    Post # 4
    Member
    228 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    I’ve heard that as women, we tend to dwell over things and hold grudges longer.  I definitely fall into this category.  In fact, last night we had a huge fight about me not cleaning the kitchen and I debated going to my parents house!  I ended up staying, but we fell asleep not talking and not touching.  I had to get my old pound purry to cuddle with!  I know they say that you aren’t suppose to go to bed angry, but it happens sometimes and in my opinion, its totally normal.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1104 posts
    Bumble bee

    We don’t fight much and I don’t get angry very often but if we are having a difficult conversation/getting upset, I don’t mind if we sleep on it. Sometimes it’s better to revisit in the light of day – things can seem a lot more manageable then, and I can cope with a difficult conversation much better when I’m well rested!

    Post # 6
    Member
    879 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    we very rarely fight, and if we do its usually a miscommuication of some sort.  We have a made a promise to each other to never go to bed angry.  And to also never let a fight escalate to the point where we need to go to bed angry.

    There have been times when I have walked out of the house and sat on the back steps to get some distance, take a breather and calm down away from the situation.  After 15 minutes or so, I go back in and we will normally have both settled enough to talk like adults.

    We were friends long before we comitted to a relationship with each other.  So we used to talk quite objectively with each other about many different things before sharing houses, lives, finances and children became involved.  I think that helps alot!

    Post # 8
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Sometimes I think we’re too exhausted to kiss and make up. We’ve gone to bed angry…but at least we wake up happy (9 times out of 10).

    Post # 9
    Member
    860 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    FI and I met in grad school and were just friends (but pretty good friends) for a few months before we started dating.  While we get on each other’s nerves sometimes and definitely bicker, we rarely “fight.”  I don’t think we’ve ever been really angry at each other for more than 30 minutes.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4001 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I don’t go to bed angry, not that I don’t try to.  Which is really not cool, but its basically for show!  I do the thing where I storm off and slam the bedroom door.  But, I just toss and turn, there’s no way I’d actually get restful sleep like that.  So I usually end up getting up, storming back into the room my FI is in, and we resolve it then.  Usually we get over things really quickly, but there have been a few times where we end up staying awake WAY past our bedtime.  Hahaha, its kinda funny to me, thinking about how ridiculous I can be.

    The one thing I will never, ever, ever allow, is for us to leave the apartment angry.  Or really, to even separate.  I am always fearful that something horrible could happen and obviously no one wants an argument to be the last thing shared.  Eck, scary thought!

    Post # 11
    Member
    5892 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I think most experts agree that stepping back from a fight to cool off is a good, if not essential technique. For some people it’s 15 minutes, for others it’s overnight. For each person and couple it’s different. I’m important to not just storm out and avoid the topic. Let the other person know you are ending things now and will continue this once he/she has cooled down.

     I think what is important is how you fight.   Dr. John Gottman calls them ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’—Do you use Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and/or Stonewalling? Dr. Gottman’s research shows that it’s not so much that you fight, but how you recover after a fight (along with the ratio between positive/negative interactions).

     My FH and I rarely have big fights, but after one big fight we grumpily crawled into bed. I was hurt and pissed and just wanted to sleep as far away from him as possible. And I know he felt the same way! But bless his heart, I felt his hand snake over to mine and hold it. He was still pissed, I was still pissed, but he was a big enough person to reach over to me. We fell asleep, still pissed, but holding hands.

     If you want a really good book about how to have a successful marriage, read  “The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work” by John Gottman.

     This is a great summary of his book and the research he’s done. http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/gottman.html

    Post # 12
    Member
    2867 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I HAVE to resolve issues before going to sleep. Usually if an arguement is earlier in the day I resolve it with a couple of hours.

    I guess it’s because of my church upbringing (“Don’t let the sun go down on your anger”) but also because I couldn’t stand waking up on the morning and still having something hanging over my head.

    You never know when you may never see someone again. The last thing I’d want was to be angry at someone over something small.

    Post # 13
    Member
    330 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Sometimes after a fight, I want to go straight to bed, but my fiance never lets me until he’s tucked me in, gave me a kiss and I feel better. I go to bed angry, but I go to sleep happy.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3148 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I have gone to bed angry a couple of times but am usually good about resolving the issue…or atleast getting the anger out before i fall asleep. I have dreadful sleeps…tossing and turning if i go to sleep angry, so not worth it in many ways!

    Post # 15
    Member
    4765 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

    I can’t go to bed angry. We’ve tried before, but I absolutely cannot sleep if we’re still fighting/upset. I have to talk it out with FI, no matter how long it takes. I’d wouldn’t mind going to bed angry, but I just never can!

    Post # 16
    Member
    753 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    We don’t fight all that often, but when we do we always try to make up before going to sleep.  The last time we tried going to bed without making up, we actually couldn’t sleep so we ended up staying up late to resolve the issue. 

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