Post # 1
Reading about the Boston Marathon terrorists is sad and confusing. It sounds like they started off as such normal, happy guys. And while the older brother seems to have shown his dark side over the past few years, classmates and friends of the younger brother have been interviewed and they had NO. IDEA.
Why and how did these young men change so drastically? Or were they always evil and just really good at hiding it?
One of my greatest fears as I look forward to marrying my S/O is that in 10 or 15 or 20 years, he will have become a dramatically different person. Or that I’ll find that he has been misrepresenting who he was all the time.
It scares me because it’s something that seems so hard to control. No amount of getting to know someone before marriage, communication, premarital counseling can prevent someone turning into a really bad person.
And it’s not just evil/criminal acts. How many posts are there on WB where the poster writes about how they had such a good relationship and their BF/FI/DH did a 180 overnight-becoming abusive/cheater/general shitty person.
I feel terrible for the wife of the older brother. Her life will never be the same again. She will always have the child of a terrorist. And now that her name has been published, she will probably have a tough battle getting employment, housing, remarrying. Yes their relationship sounds unhealthy and there were probably warning signs but she got involved with him when she was 20/21. How many people make good relationship choices at that age?
Does anyone else get scared of this? How do you quell these fears?
Post # 3
@worldtraveler: I don’t really think that someone ‘becomes’ a bad/evil person; they just reveal their true colours in time. People’s character never really changes, though their personality can.
I am not too worried about this, to be honest. Living in fear of a hypothetical, unlikely situation will not achieve anything.
For the record, I met Fiance when I was 22 (I had made plenty of bad relationship choices before then, but Fiance was not one of them), and he was 30. I’ve changed and grown a lot in the 4 years since, but we are more in love than ever now. Our fundamental values and characters are very compatible, and that’s the important thing.
I was involved with a man I am pretty sure was a sociopath when I was 18, so I like to think that I would recognise the signs if I was ever to meet another abusive liar.
Post # 4
I have been married before and my ex did do the 180. All I can say is you have to love someone for who they are now and not dwell on what could result in the future. Trust your head and your heart. If it happens you will cross that bridge when you come to it. But you have to find happiness in the moment and not let fear rule. If you happen to find yourself in a situation like I did then you teach yourself to find the silver lining. Every situation has a lesson or perspective you can gain.
Post # 5
People do change, which is what makes relationships so much work. If we can grow with each other, and keep loving the other person, it will work out. Those that cannot are the ones who often end of divorced.
Like other posters have said, our fundamental characters are similar and haven’t changed. Although I started dating him freshman year of college (7 years ago!) and we have both grown and changed so much! There were challenging times, but we just love each other more and more each day.
Post # 6
No, I have fears but not that. From what I’ve seen, it’s not that spouses change it’s that the other ignores it or thinks they will change.
Post # 7
One of my greatest fears as I look forward to marrying my S/O is that in 10 or 15 or 20 years, he will have become a dramatically different person.
I think the chances of this happening are much greater if you settle down with someone at a young age such as late teens/early 20s.
Some people are fully developed and fully realized as adults by the time they are in their early 20s, but I think they are the exception.
Post # 8
people can always change and new impressions and life events can change a persons perspective of things but i’m sure if you live closely to someone like a husband and wife it’s impossible not to notice changes like if the partner would turn into a terrorist.
Post # 9
Things like this we have no controll over. you just never know who you could end up with or what can make changes in a person. I wouldnt dwell on these thoughts, have faith that everything will be fine and go with the flow of life.