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It can be painful around my FMIL. I get anxious when FI leaves the room and we're left sitting there together.
I'll just leave it at that.
Mostly around his father, but I don't have to deal with that as of right now. Long story, but he's not a big part of our life. I love his mom, but there are some awkward times.
It's awkward sometimes around my FMIL only because there's a language barrier. Love her to death though.
sounds like you and your in-laws don't have good chemistry. are there any activities you can get them to do with you? like board games, cooking, crafting, gardening........? or is there anything fun in town to do with them?
I think this is normal. Especially if you don't live close and only see them a handful of times a year.
I felt this way for awhile, but it has gotten better with time. I also bring things (knitting or a book) to do when we go to visit.
I'm actually really comfortable around my in laws. But my husband and I have been together since we were 19 (we're 27 now) so I've been around them a lot and since I was really young. So that makes it easier.
It's really weird to me that they said you seem bored. What do they want you to do about that? If they are worried you are bored then they should be trying to be better hosts and entertain you as their guest! If I were you I would just bring a lot of books or projects with you from now on so you can enjoy yourself while they watch TV all day.
I feel awkward a lot but I'm really shy so it's not them, it's me, haha. I don't have a lot in common with his family, and they're nice but we just don't have much to talk about.
Yes, especially since I'm not super outgoing and my MIL isn't super outgoing. And I've been with the Mr. for 7 years, haha. But since our engagement and now especially since the wedding, I'm trying to be much more social with her. I think it just takes time to adjust and really get comfortable for those who lack instant chemistry.
If it's mainly because you're getting bored and there's no natural conversation stimulant (watching tv so doesn't help that) then maybe you can try suggesting/insisting on playing some board games or engaging in another more involved social activity?
i really dont have anything in common with my inlaws so except for the standard polite how are you, what have you been doing we dont have a conversation and they usually end up sitting around watching the tv while i calculate when it would be polite to make an exit
Yes, I feel awkward around my future in laws. They only speak Haitian Creole. I'm getting better with the language and in every day situations can function, but when I go to their house I get so nervous I can't even answer basic questions like how are you. It's so ridiculous. And when I forget all the Creole I know it's super awkward. FI suggested I visit them on my own once because he ended up having to work the day we were going to visit them. I thought I was going to hyperventilate just thinking about it! I love them and they make me feel welcome, but I just couldn't handle the thought of trying to communicate with them on my own.
I'm lucky that my in-laws are fantastic. I'm still working on my extended in-law family, though!
I used to get along with my MIL, but after a falling out I've seen her maybe 5 times since the wedding. With the holidays coming up I'm feeling anxious about what's going to happen. She isn't really apart of our lives and I know it could get awkward.
I really enjoy DH's step mom, but sometimes the religious differences come into play and that's really awkward. Plus she's always looking to me to dig up information on everyone. His father is uneducated and rude so I usually try not to talk to him either since I can't help but want to lash out. It's not a great situation.
My future in-laws don't speak English very well, and I don't speak their language at all. FI and I have been together for almost 8 years now and only recently within the past few years have I started to feel more comfortable around them. It took me quite a while to get over the fact that I will never have the type of relationship I always envisioned myself having with my in-laws. I had a heartfelt discussion with FI about how I was feeling uncomfortable and slightly ignored when I was around his family. He spoke to them without me there and that helped to open our relationship a little more. They make more effort to include me in conversations whenever possible (language barrier) and his mom has been so much more..... (what's the word) FUN to be around since then. She will joke around with me, ask me questions, even physical contact. It may have been a combination of FI talking to them and the engagement, but things are getting better. Thankfully. :)
@masqueradestars: i think you need to break the ice a little bit, i'd quiz your fi about things his parents like and try to find a common interest other than there son. take a photo album with you maybe. i get on really well with fi parents or at least i thought i did until she resently had a big b@tch about me to fi, i've not been down since although i've not let on that i know, i feel weord about seeing her again, i'll get round to it when i feel a little better about the whole thing.i usually see my fil's once a week so it is a little different for me, but at first we spoke a lot about when fi was younger, i got to see all his baby pics and things like that.
@masqueradestars: Maybe it will get better the more you are around them?
I am very lucky that we both get on extremely well with each others families. Our families are very similar and we have been dating for nearly 8 years so that helps!
Our mums have become good friends and meet up regularly without us there.
I did feel a little awkward at first, but not really anymore. His dad can't hear well, so my fiancé and I always get a good laugh out of him giving us really random answers because he misunderstood what we said. I don't talk a lot to people I don't know very well, so sometimes I just sit there and listen to them talk, but lately his mom and I have been talking on the phone a lot, so I'm getting a lot more comfortable.
I'm actually very comfortable around my in-laws, both sets! (DH's parents are divorced) And I feel super super comfortable around his siblings, they take care of me just as if I were their biological sister (5 boys) and I love them to death :)
@masqueradestars: It's almost like you took the words right out of my mouth.
My hubby and I have been together for over 2 years, only married less than a month though :)....but I feel like I get bored really easily when we see his parents, mostly if we go out to their house. Most of the time, it's just for dinner thankfull, but sometimes I will go out there if hubby needs to work with his dad on a project or something. I only do that once in awhile...otherwise I let him go alone. Hubby knows I get bored, but I make the best of it when I do. Plus I would feel bad skipping out every time.
Honestly, we have gotten in arguments about me not wanting to go out there. I feel bad but I just feel awkward around them for long periods of time, especially since we see them usually once a WEEK..so what is there to talk about? And I cannot stand watching TV all day either. I guess I'd rather stay at home sometimes and enjoy some alone time, plus I am not used to seeing family all the time since both of my parents live over an hour away and don't see them too often.
So, I totally feel your pain...hoping it gets better, but I know once we have kids, we will see them more....but I think that will be ok since we will have the kids to talk about, lol
I am not awkward around my immediate FILs (FMIL, FFIL, FSILs, FBIL, FCIL and her DH) but I am awkward around FI's extended family because I don't get to see them often. Typically, they do Easter and Christmas at FI's grandma's house. All of us go (I've only attended four of these) and FFIL's brother and SIL come with their children (who are all grown). It's just so awkward when we do those get togethers that you could cut the tension with a knife, or at least that's how I feel. It's very, very awkward and not what I'm used to at family functions. In my dad's family, all of the relatives get together and laugh and have a great time. I'm close to all of my extended relatives on that side of my family. So, yeah, it's a little weird for me at Christmas and Easter (maybe even Thanksgiving this year, too) at FI's grandma's.
This is how it normally goes:
We arrive and FI, FBIL, FSIL, and I sit on the living room couches in silence. His grandparents don't have cable television, so the TV is usually off. Sometimes, someone will suggest turning on the TV to "entertain" us, and they'll put it on some really horrible made for TV movie. Easter is the worst because they don't have central AC. We live in the south. Central AC is an essential component of comfort here. They have a whopping ONE window unit and it's in the living room. FI's grandpa hates turning it on because he says we can't hear each other talk (it's very, very loud), but none of us talk, anyway, so why should we sit in discomfort?!
FI's grandma asks everyone questions about their lives and stuff, which sometimes gets a little awkward because she'll say things like, "How come you never come visit me? I don't think any of my grandchildren love me anymore." Relief comes when my other FSIL shows up with future nephew. He steals the show and we all just stare at him and comment about every move he makes. I normally take over with caring for him so that I have something to do to make me look busy. I'm not even kidding. I get so excited to see him because I know I can change his diapers, chase him around outside, and feed him as a means of avoiding the awkward silence.
Then, FI's aunt, uncle, and cousins arrive and things go from awkward to unbearably awkward in 2 seconds flat. FMIL hates FFIL's brother's wife. I think it is some DIL competition thing. So, they don't get together and talk and laugh like the women in my family do. FFIL, FMIL, FI's grandparents, aunt and uncle sit at the kitchen table and have small talk. Then, they put out two fold out tables that in the living room for all of us "kids" to sit at. Normally, the tables are divided between girls and boys (even though we're all men and women now). So, instead of sitting with FI, I have to sit with his sisters, his cousin, and his aunt and uncle's foreign adopted daughter. We barely talk. I have seen and connected with FI's cousin a lot since our last family function, so I'm hoping that things this year won't be so bad because I'll have her to communicate with.
When it's time to eat, everyone gets in line like a buffet. The kitchen is tiny. I never know where to get silverware from so I feel awkward just sitting until I can approach someone I"m comfortable with and ask where the forks are. Normally they're right in front of my face. I am not accustomed to saying grace before meals. So, last time, I started eating my food and realized no one else was and I heard someone say, "Is everybody ready to say grace?" My face turned red, to say the least.
I used to love the holidays and look forward to them with excitement. Now that I'm in a relationship, I dread the hell out of them.
**Sorry this was so long, just wanted to give a good example of what I'm dealing with**
@masqueradestars: I have this problem too...including the bit about watching TV....for hours!
It's worse in the winter, because then we really can't do anything like sit outside, etc. The TV is how my inlaws (and often my husband) relax, but I don't watch much TV myself and my family is a lot more active generally. My family lives in the boonies as well and when we are up there we are constantly outside doing things (snowshoeing, helping out with chores, swimming, reading outside, walking, etc). My inlaws don't like doing things outside at all really so we could conceivably spend a day and a half in front of the TV on a weekend...and there isn't a lot of talking...although I do try. The awkwardness can get better, especially in our situation because you and I actually DO like our inlaws. :)
To make things better for me when we go to visit (and so I don't go mental after watching the 3rd hour of Law and Order or Ice Road Truckers) I take some sort of activity I can do in front of the TV (sewing, rug hooking, my own books/magazines). Also try to find something of interest that you can share. I like to cook/recipes/can, etc so I talk to my MIL about that because she's also into it. I save up things to say sometimes....which is weird, but yeah. I've also explained to my DH that I need to be able to get out of the house if we are there for longer than 1.5 days...last Christmas we went out for walks (it was bloody freezing, but I had to get out of there) and we offered to play cards. Try to see if you can get your DH to think of some activities for everyone or just for the two of you (breaks!) so that you don't go stir crazy.
All of that is to say that I understand. I'm often exhausted when we get back from his parents' because I've been "on" the entire time. Even when you're just sitting in a room, looking at eachother, the awkwardness can just be exhausting.
I'm super comfortable around FI's siblings and extended family (aunts, uncle and cousins). They love me and think we are perfect for each other so they alway go out of their way to make me feel welcome and comfortable whenever we visit any of them.
I feel somewhat uncomfortable with his father though as I don't think I have a lot in common with him. FI isn't super close to him as he didn't know him until he was an adult. I'm not naturally shy, but for some reason I suddenly become very shy when I'm around his dad and his wife as I simply don't know what to make conversation about.
It is extremely awkward around my FILs...AND we live with them!
First of all... there is a huge language barrier. They mostly speak Vietnamese and they English is very broken. I speak English & Spanish. It's difficult for me to get past the accent.
Secondly... His parents are old (like my grandma's age) If I could communicate with them... i'd have a difficult time coming up with what to say...
Just hang in there... you're in a pretty good position. You speak the same language. You can talk about food, hobbies, and the one thig that you have in common... your BF!
I feel a bit awkward around FI's parents because I have only met them once, when we visited them for a week (they live on the other side of the country) and I have talked to them on the phone occasionally. I really like them, just not 100% laid back when I'm around them. I do that thing where I'm on my best behavior and make very polite small talk. I get on really well with his brother, though, since I have spent more time with him, and am pretty comfortable with him.
FI, on the other hand, has fully integrated himself into my family and it's like he's been a part of them for decades. It's pretty awesome.
Fortunately I'm really comfortable around my FILs. Honestly sometimes I feel more comfortable around them then I do around my own family. I especially feel bad for SO tho. At least I know my family. He is so awkward around my parents. I feel bad that I'm not giving him as awsome of a family as he's giving me.
janie-janie's suggestion about trying to do other things with them besides TV is good. One reason I know FMIL so well is that she really likes to play games so when I first got to know her we avoided the awkwardness by having a game to distract us. If we never did something fun together we probably wouldn't be as comfortable around each other. You could also try getting one of those books that's full of questions to get to know people; that might help!
YES!!!
My FI's dad is stoned ALL THE TIME and his personality is so abrasive that I dont like talking to him.
His mom could talk for hours..about nothing..telling me stories that Ive already heard 10+ times..I try and come up with ways to get away and hide upstairs.
They also have yelling matches sometimes and I get anxiety from them when I get off working a 15+hr day and walk into that. I usually dont say a word and walk directly upstairs and turn on the tv. Seriously, that REALLY stresses me out.
No. I talk to my MIL more than my husband does. haha On the phone & when visiting. I don't feel uncomfortable around my FIL either but my husband talks to him more than I do.
I generally get along with the ILs, but I have a few issues with them. It came to a head this year - and after a lot of introspection have realized that I've put my shutters on for a while just to get along with them. Think it's safe to say that the shutters are off now and I prefer to keep a decent distance from them.
Great to read everyone else's responses - I sat at the dinner table very, very quietly for many years and thought I was a freak. Only afterwards did I realize how completely uncomfortable FIL made me feel by ignoring me for all those years. I only realised how bad it was when FIL finally accepted me and started to talk to me, not too long ago ....
Get togethers with extended family are absolute torture. Everyone knows that no one wants to be there.
Have to say that even though my family is nutty and absolutely crazy, at least everyone communicates freely instead of being stuffy and "proper" (aka repressed).
I feel arkward around his sister as she is moody and hard to get along with! Him parents are lovely though.
For the most part I am comfortable with FI's family. I am super tight with his sisters, and I get along really well with his mom. His dad doesn't really talk, but it's not awkward because he doesn't talk to anyone. FI's Grandma is awkward on the phone (but not in person) because she likes to have dead silences on the line for 5 minutes at a time. I find FBIL's girlfriend very awkward to be around because she's rude and doesn't get along with anyone so she's always the elephant in the room.
It's mostly just FI's extended family that is SUPER awkward. At the random get togethers (usually unplanned so I'm almost always unprepared) it's just so weird because no one talks to us, but they stare a lot and I occasionally here "Who is she again?" LOL!
My FIL are super nice people. Like, really, they're so kind and accepting of me. Right from the beginning too. But I can never relax around them. I just can't.
With my parents, we talk about politics and religion and current events. I grew up getting into firece debates around the dinner table. I'm a pretty outspoken bleeding heart liberal most of the time. But with his parents, I just clam up like a shell. We mostly talk about pleasant things. Did we watch the latest episode of Survivor. Who will win the World Series? That sort of thing.
It's all totally fine and nice, but I always feel like such a muted version of myself when I'm with them. And it's entirely my fault. I feel like they don't have much of an idea of who I am other than, "that shy polite girl". I guess that's not too bad. But sometimes it just makes me feel gutted, like I'm presenting a fake version of myself. :(
I was feeling awkard around FI's family, cause I've only met them a handful of times. We all get along great but it wasn't until we started playing a few board games that I felt comfortable, that's what my family does when we get together. It starts conversations about other things, you learn about how people think and how they all relate to each other.
FI said the same thing about when he came up to my family until we broke out pictionary. Maybe you guys could try something like a game?
They knew on the day they met me I'm not from here and had plans to move back home when I graduated law school. We used to be okay until we got engaged. Once we got engaged reality hit that yes, we will more than likely be moving and I became the devil in disguise for taking FMIL's son from her (they're not close and we visit them every other month even though we live 30 min away and I'm EXTREMELY close to my family and they live 500mi away). FMIL kept doing stuff, and making blatant racist comments like do I not swim because Black people can't float (um I actually do know how to swim- had lessons and everything as a child just like little white kids do). It got to the point I thought she was trying to break us up and was literally being harrassed by her. When she started copying and pasting emails and saying she wanted to know my political, reproductive, religious, beliefs, what kind of lingerie I wear for her son and all this other madness to make sure I'm a good person I went off. BAD. I mean I went off. She crossed the line. I told her to mind her own business along with a lot of other stuff. Then we didn't talk for a few months, but it's better now. Well, FI wants to move in with them our last 6 months all the sudden b/c we'll never live in this city again and he wants to try to build the relationship. It gets us saving 10K for a down payment on a house so I can keep my mouth shut and stay on our floor above them. Or, it's going to be so bad, I pack my stuff and move out. We shall see...
Sometimes I feel awkward around my SO's parents, and aunts and uncles. A lot of the time they will talk forever about things that I either have no interest in or know nothing about, such as events that happened way before I knew them. I don't say anything in these conversations because I have nothing to add, they are excluding me and then tell my SO that I clearly don't like them because I didn't say anything. I can get along with his mother pretty well but it's hard to get a word in because she talks nonstop. I do like her though. His Dad I do not care for at all and I spend the time I am around him doing y best to not make it obvious, so that is awkward.
NOPE. I love my FMIL to BITS and she loves me bunches too! And apparently everyone has said it's next to IMPOSSIBLE for her not to find something bad about someone, so I must be doing something right :P
Even the rest of his family like me a lot, and I get along very well with his family. They love my accent (not sure why O.o) and I'm so glad that they like me...
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Now, I like my BF's parents and all and I think they're nice people, but I just sometimes feel incredibly awkward around them. BF and I have been dating for 4 years now and we go stay with his parents for the weekend about four times a year (his birthday, Easter, July 4th, and Thanksgiving). Everytime we go, I feel like we don't have much to say to each other. We make some small talk, but mostly I just sit and listen to them talk to my BF. Also, they live up in the boonies where is there nothing to do. Most of the time we are watching TV the ENTIRE day with his dad (often times about things I'm not interested in like vintage cars...). About a few months ago, my BF told me that his parents had mentioned that I seemed bored up there...YIKES! I told him that I'm just shy..which is also true, but in all honesty, I do get very bored up there and just feel uncomfortable...
What about you all? Do you feel awkward around your partner's parents or your in-laws? What do you talk about with them?