Do you feel bad turning him down for sex?

posted 1 year ago in Intimacy
Member
6217 posts
Bee Keeper

Sex is one thing my SO and I do not compromise on. If one of us is in the mood, unless someone is in immense physical pain, we always go for it (This goes for both of us). It’s a very intimate time for both of us, even if it is for physical pleasure.

Member
7245 posts
Busy Beekeeper

He wants it so rarely I go with it, I don’t think I have ever turned him down. It’s usually me initiating, and he often turns me down, I definitely feel rejected and hurt. So I guess I am on the other side of the equation here. Maybe take care of him or give him a cuddle, and avoid at all costs turning him down too often. 

Member
4592 posts
Honey bee

Yes I do, especially now that it’s been so long since we last did anything. But I’m usually exhausted by the time we go to bed so there’s no way to get me interested. 

When we first started dating we did it so much that I didn’t feel so bad saying no to him then. 

Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee

I turn him down from time to time, and I don’t feel bad about it at all.  Most of the time I just give in, if he willing to work for it (if you know what I mean).  But if he wants to have “lazy sex” and I’m not really in the mood, then its a NO! It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.  He doesn’t get his feelings hurt.  Our relationship is about so much more than sex, so we don’t get all hung up on it, if one of us is not in the mood. 

Member
443 posts
Helper bee

@Jacqui90:  Sounds similar to the situation with my ex. I used to give him blow jobs on request even during a flu. He would turn me down quite often and quite rudely. It feels crushing to be treated like that. Even if the other person is not in the mood they should say it with love.

Member
3909 posts
Honey bee

We turn each other down occasionally. I used to feel horrible when he turned me down, but he reminded me that he’s a man and not a machine. So I kind of grew past associating his desire for sex at any given moment with his overall desire for me, and that was pretty liberating.

Nowadays, a simple “I’d love to, but my tummy isn’t feeling well” or “I’m just so tired tonight” is all it takes for me to signal that I’m not In the mood (or he’s not in the mood) without anyone feeling rejected. And each partner really should be able to communicate their desire to have or not have sex without fear of hurting their partner’s feelings. You have to say it nicely, and hear it nicely. And you have to not take it personally if you’re told No. If you don’t want a steak dinner tonight, that doesn’t mean you never want another steak dinner or that you no longer find steak delicious. It just means you don’t want a steak right now. Nothing more.

Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

Not at all. Honestly I used to but there is times when I’m not in the mood and so hey I’m not going to pretend to enjoy having sex just to please him.

Member
7245 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@fishbone:  Wish it were that easy! It is very hard not to take it personally for me, especially with how often it happens.

Member
203 posts
Helper bee

Nope. He has two hands. If he wants it bad enough, he can make it happen.

Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee

I definitely do feel bad; and I want us to be the type that will both agree unless we’re sick or something like that. I understand having long days, but I think it’s a balance of knowing when to ask and when not to. 

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