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Hi ladies! I was discussing newly married life with a few friends of mine last night. They think it's very strange that I'm not on my husband's checking/savings account--the one he's always had, the one from BEFORE we were married. He's not on mine, either. We do have a joint account, though.
They say I'm "entitled" to his pre-marriage money. That it's "mine now". He has a lot more money saved than I do. I don't feel like I deserve to spend his pre-marriage money or have access to it--it's from *before* we joined our lives together. He's worked for 3 years longer than me!
So, is this just a very old-fashioned traditional mindset that you are entitled to what your husband has from before marriage? (taking aside the fact that you don't share living expenses beforehand). Is it really that odd that I don't feel justified touching his pre-wedding finances? He's all for using his money towards the house or towards stuff for us...but I feel weird being all "it's my money, too", since we weren't married when he acquired it.
I think it's one thing if you both start off with nothing (right out of school or whatever), but what if one person has been working a lot longer than the other b/c one person is older? Hmmmm. Is it really that strange?! I don't want to be a gold-digger, lol
We both were in debt when we got married, so we avoided this situation! :-)
Would it be different if he had pre-wedding debt instead of pre-wedding savings... would you feel more joint-ownership over his debt than his savings? I'm asking because I probably would! Trying to figure out what that means... it's easier to give than to receive?
my husband has much more in savings than I, and I don't have access to his account either. We have a joint account that we opened long before we were married, but that was primarily so I could have an account away from my mom (she'd take money from college account that was linked to hers) This way, if I had money I needed to be put into the bank, hubby could do it for me without me worrying about my mom. It's basically my account though. He has access, but has never ever used it. Not to deposit or withdraw. His I don't have access to, but even if I did, I wouldn't feel right taking the money out. I know if I needed it, he would happily hand it over to me (he gave my brother a big lump sum of money to help him out with debts my mother racked up on his credit card). So, while it's his, it's kind of ours too.
I always feel weird when it comes to money and my fiance. I don't know, I have friends who after dating a guy for a couple months are completely fine with taking him shopping and letting him buy them stuff. And not stuff in the sense of like, a gift, but also like home stuff, like shampoo. I don't know if it is just me or what, but I always feel weird about someone spending money on me that is not in my family.
Don't get me wrong, I love getting gifts (who doesn't? haha) but when it comes from a guy I am involved with it just makes me feel weird and I don't know why. But I love getting my fiance stuff so maybe I am being hypocritical? 
Anyways, I said all of that to get to my point that I don't feel entitled at all to my fiance's savings, even though he is always telling me I should feel that way and how it isn't "his" savings anymore but "ours". Lately, he has been trying to get me to pay my car payment out of his money but I haven't.
I guess it's just one of those things that you have to work out as it comes along. Since we aren't living together right now, and he is deployed, it isn't a big deal yet, but I forsee us having to discuss it more in the future.
Good point! Yes, I'd be more likely to help him with his debt (reasonably anyways) since I am financially stable (good job, house, no debt).
I wouldn't turn over my life savings and say "here you go", but I WOULD put *us* on a strict budget and make him stick to it, too. I wouldn't let him just assume that I'd take care of it and pay it off for him since I didn't have any debt, though.
Hmm. I'm grateful to give but yes, I feel more uncomfortable receiving I guess ...and I don't like the word "entitled". Like I am deserving just because we got married. The phrasing rubs me the wrong way.
Once we get married, my money is our money, and his money is our money. He has a bit more savings than I do, but I'm certainly not going to spend it myself! It'll be saved for our life together.
@honeybunny, maybe this is a military mindset, LOL.
I, too, feel weird when we'd go grocery shopping (back when we were just dating) and I'd need, say, deoderant and he'd be like, "i'll get it". I'm like, "no, I can buy my own deoderant!" Maybe it's that "i'm independent" thing kicking in. That I don't need a man to buy my deoderant! But that was awhile ago. I sent him stuff he needed all the time when he was deployed--soup cans, baby wipes, etc. It's not like I expected a reimbursement check. I feel hypocritical in that aspect, too!
But also, to an extent, I don't want him to feel like I'm using him because I do have my own job. He says that b/c I'm not "gimme gimme", he loves taking me out and doing things for me more often, because when he does, I'm exceptionally grateful b/c it's never expected. Weird, right?
Also, I DO like that if he buys me a gift, it's truly a gift from him...not technically something I paid half for =]
EJS - Haha Maybe it is a military thing. It's funny you brought up the deodorant thing, last time I went to Ft. Richardson to see him, somehow all of my shampoo, bodywash, deodorant stuff didn't make it with me so I remember standing in the PX body stuff aisle trying to explain to him that "No baby I don't need you to buy my shaving cream but that is sweet of you to offer" haha. Then of course he did anyways because they had to see his i.d. since they wouldn't let me check the stuff out and he used his card before I could stop him. Men lol.
Our guy's seem to be on the same level about gift gving too, mine has commented that he likes the fact that I don't expect him to buy me stuff like other girls he has been with before did, and it actually makes him want to treat me MORE because I'm not like that. Funny how those things are huh?
Absolutely not, and I hope he does not feel entitled to mine. That does not mean we are not honest and up front about our finances. I think some of women want to feel entitled to his bank account not for the money, but for the control.
On another note. I am wary of newly married women who use the word "entitled". They should be using "Lucky" "Appreciative" "Blessed" in the same sentence as their husbands.
I have about $50,000 in savings because I took 2.5 years off to work before law school and he has about $200,000 in medical school debt. That's a pretty big imbalance, I'm 23. When I'm done with law school, between a scholarship and my savings, I'll be debt free. And I'll be making 175-225K when he's only making 50K (and still has 200K of debt) for 3 or 4 years after I graduate. I don't see him as a gold digger.
I also don't see myself as a gold digger for marrying a future surgical subspecialist who will eventually doubly outearn me. It's irritatingly sexist how often people assume I'm lucky or riding the gold train until I say what I just said above.
We realize that our earnings are going to be grossly imbalanced for the rest of our lives, with me having and earning the money early and him earning the money later. To avoid permanent conflict, we're choosing to see everything as "ours." We're a team. We don't want one or the other to feel guilty for years about spending the other's money: he doesn't want to feel bad now, and I don't want to feel bad when we're older. So it's always "ours."
That said, since we're not married yet he doesn't have access to my checking or credit accounts. I plan to add him to my bank accounts once we're married and it'll be "our" money. We've generally agreed discuss anything over several hundred dollars. We're both very very good with money, though, and already have similar spending patterns. When we have extra money we're both inclined to save rather than spend, with maybe biannual bigger ticket splurges.
If you don't have similar spending patterns and relationships with money, you need to talk about it. What do you both do with an extra $50, $500, or $5000 dollars lying around? What are your financial goals? Have the conversations and work something out so you don't have to feel guilty.
I wouldn't say you are "entitled." Some couples choose to merge accounts entirely -- some retain some of their own funds. If it doesn't bother you that he has that money, then that is perfectly fine. Don't let your friends create a problem where one does not exist. I would just caution that you two find a way to maintain informed about what you are spending your own money on so that no issues do arise from the different amounts of savings you have. That being said, if he elects to share some of his savings with you, you can feel blessed to have such a generous, giving husband. :) I wouldn't worry about it!
I don't know that I felt "entitled" to his savings, but there was never an issue/discussion of who would be able to spend it - we wanted to buy a house and all the money he saved goes for that. So, it became our savings. My husband had more opportunity to save money (first job out of college also paid most of his living expenses), so I came into the relationship with debt and he came in with savings.
i think the word "entitled" is what is throwing me off. i mean, it's not like he wouldn't help you or prevent you from purchasing something should you need it...right? But I think that since you already have a joint account, separate accounts are also best to keep money for what you both want to buy (how else could you buy each other present without being found out?!)
My husband is a saver and always has been. I've never felt entitled to his money. When I had debt, he helped me get rid of it because he doesn't want debt in our marriage. I've also never gone around spending money expecting I could do what I want because his money would end up paying for it at the end of the day. He has his accounts from before we were married and I have mine, but we make all financial decisions together. When doing to bills every month we make sure to pay everything in full, even if that means one person is helping the other person pay their bills. Again, we make all financial decisions together, so that means one of us wouldn't go on a shopping spree expecting the other to pay for it.
I have read alot of different things on here re:money after marriage and alot of people are doing the opposite of what we are but in all honesty it works for us. My DH is very old fashioned and knew I had difficulty with money, more debt but made more pre-marriage. It did not matter, no matter what, his savings was ours as well as his stocks, bonds and cd's. He is very money savey and has been saving since he was old enough to work. We worked on my debt before we were married and everything is joint now that we are. No seperate accts nothing. We are one. I, however, did not feel entitled to anything. I actually feel guilty at times that he is using his hard earned savings to pay off my debt but ultimately in the end, it does help US as a unit better. I felt weird but he has helped me tremendously and I have learned so much and am now a far more frugal spender and wiser saver now than I ever was. Plus, when you have one acct and its joint, it really makes me think twice on what I spend the money on. I use to be crazy about shopping but now I think, hmmm do I buy a nice pair of jeans, save it for something for the house or just put it in savings? By doing this we are so far more ahead than some couples our age and we never have fights about money.
What are your friends expecting you to do? That sounds kind of weird. I think I know people like that, though. I hope they all find a man (or woman!) who is okay with that kind of sharing!
DH has also worked a few years more than I have, plus I was in grad school during those years. I don't feel entitled to his savings, but I guess in the back of my mind I have the idea that we'll pull out all our resources when we need it -- if something comes up soon, like a loss of job, fire, car wreck, etc., even a baby sooner than we've planned OR things further down the road, all the way to retirement. I can't expect we'll be 80 and I'll be eating peanut butter and jelly trying to make my savings last while he's spending what he's saved. Who knows what things will look like at that point, but you get the idea.
Does that mean I'd expect him to buy me things I don't need? No. Does that mean I've changed my spending habits because he can help to support me? No.
Discuss it with her husb and see what his thoughts are. We have two separate checking and savings account plus one savings in which we are putting all our engagement/wedding gift money to start out our own joint account. Neither of us really has a lot of savings anyway so I guess its not a huge issue lol.
Do what works for you. Perhaps a good option is to give one another access to your personal accounts so you can do transfers as needed.
I agree, it is the world "entitled" that really bugs! I don't feel entitled to anything--I believe it comes with hard work and saving carefully. If he wants to spend his money towards our house for flooring or whatever, I will agree and think it's a good idea, but I'm not going to say, "well, it's my decision, too, it's my money" becasue it was pre-wedding. I simply don't care what he has saved up from pre-wedding (frankly I don't even know the number, I know he spent a chunk on our wedding). Just like he simply doesn't care how big my trust fund is. I think what my friends can't wrap their heads around is how money is different for us b/c a family business and inheritance is involved. They don't get that my trust fund is "mine" and will be used towards our kids, retirement, etc, but that he doesn't inherit half automatically and that he can go buy a sports car. No, it's not "his too" and he agrees. I DO check with him before I spend large chunks of money in my own personal account, like camera equipment. He just goes, "it's yours, do what you want".
He thinks it's ludicrous that I'd suddenly feel "entitled" because he married me. He said that is a dangerous word to be thrown around and could backfire and I couldn't agree more.
That being said, we live apart and maintain completely separate bills for obvious reasons--I pay for house bills and he pays for apartment bills. And I agree with a PP, it's not that he wouldn't help me out if I needed it or vice versa. I'm also adamant about maintaining a personal account JUST in case something happens down the road. I don't want to ever become a woman dependent on her husband who can't leave because she has none of her own money. I know that's awful thinking, but I'm a hard core realist.
I'm not sure what they meant by telling me I was entitled. Maybe because they feel that they would want access to their man's money and think it's strange that I don't want his nor care. We have the same goals in life and neither of us are stingy. \The two friends I was talking about are in simliar situations to each other. One has a ton of savings and college is paid off. She's marrying a man in lots of school debt and is paying off his debt for him so they are starting off at zero essentially. The other friend is also graduating with no debt, although her bf has a substantial amount. She also told me she demands the right to quit her job when she has kids and that she has certain "rights" as the wife. She has a really really old fashioned way of thinking and half the things she says I just go "mmhmm" at anyways. I also don't like being the target of an awkward conversation. I just don't think it's that weird. I don't like the words "entitled" and "right" b/c I feel those should be joint decisions, not "i get to do this because I'm the woman and that's how it is"
We are lucky because we are on the same page with money and cars. We both have our own Corvette and we don't drive each other's cars. Which is really a car person hang up that no one drivers your car. They are show cars not intended for everyday use. I remember dating guys that thought if they married me they'd then have the Corvette for their own. I was like you're cut time to move on to the next guy.
So I guess what I'm saying is no, I don't fell entitled to his car and neither does he.
I think "entitled" is a dangerous word and women who truly believe they are entitled to their partner's money give the rest of us a bad name :) We have separate accounts, and I don't have access to his, nor him to mine. We also have a joint account for joint expenses and savings. I have no savings (I did have a school debt when we met, which is now paid off) but I earn more than he does now, and I'm likely to continue to earn more for the foreseeable future. He has a lot of money in savings bc he bought two houses before I met him, both of which he has since sold (we have bought two houses together which we own jointly). I do not consider myself entitled to that money AT ALL. He bought those houses ON HIS OWN with his own money, well before we met and became a serious couple. I fail to see how I have any claim on that whatsoever. He has put that money onto our mortgage to save us interest, but if at any time he decides he wants to withdraw it, then he is allowed bc it's his. We are very careful with how we divide our finances because his parents have been separted for a LONG time without divorcing (due to financial reasons) and bc his ex gf tried to sue him under de facto laws, to money she was not entitled to. These are such stressful situations and we want to be sure we avoid those sorts of horror stories. I come from a "what's mine is yours" sort of marriage and it hasn't always been easy for me to change my mindset, but I want to make sure we both feel comfortable and not too dependent on each other in that way.
my hubbys premarried savings is his superannuation (ie pension) fund & investments and i give a hell yeah to claiming dibs on those babies for an early retirement.
but entitlement can be a very damaging word if used incorrectly - i recognize that hubby had worked and saved much harder & longer than i have so that needs to be respected. if something happened or needed to be taken care of, i know he will step up and hand over whatever is needed and the same of me to him. but even though we have seperate bank accounts, yours, mine & ours is our motto
i always felt that what was his before is his, he worked hard to earn his house. but he says that it's mine now too, and who am i to argue! money we share, luckily we never had any issues with that yet, knock on wood.
To me it isn't entitlement, this is forever for us, so we share. He has been in the workforce longger than me, and all of his pre-wedding savings went toward our house down payment a couple of years ago. We are paying off my private loans for school at a faster rate than the others just because of the interest rate, but basically we look at it all as our collective debts and savings. We will have access to all accounts once the marriage license is completed, and use his as the main account and keep mine open for bills. It works for us, but may not be right for everyone.
I am definitely of the mindset that what is mine and his before the marriage is ours after the marriage. Marriage is a complete union of mind, soul, body, and possesions. What happens if you guys have kids and you choose to stay home? From what money in your personal bank account would you live off of? Of course you would be contributing less financially, but that's not the point. Marriage is about a man and woman joining their entire lives together as one. I believe that even includes pre-wedding bank accounts.
Coming from a legal prospective, I'm a big fan of the community property system - what is the individual's before marriage (debt or savings) stays that way and ANYTHING earned after marriage is community property (thus, jointly owned). Obviously, the pre-marriage debt or savings influences marital spending habits, and debt may be paid off with community assets. I'm with ya on not feeling entitled to pre-marital savings- or inheritance, even though they may benefit the marital property in the future.
I think "entitled" is always a dangerous word... that being said I do think that that money is as much yours as his. Getting married means merging your assets. That doesn't necessarily mean you should go on a shopping spree without consulting him because that is irresponsible even if you were spending your own money (in my opinion). I think that all major purchases should be discussed regardless of whose account the cash is coming out of.
I guess my (soon to be) fiance and I are somewhat imbalanced... he has almost nothing in savings (especially after he pays for the ring!), but not that much debt. I have quite a bit in savings but also quite a bit of debt (student loans, sigh). He accepts that when we're married he'll be responsible for my debt. But he'll also benefit from my savings. In the end it's all one pot anyways right?
Maybe I shoulda been a lawyer, LOL.
I don't plan on staying home after having kids...and I'm not talking about keeping 100% separate funds, either. I'm just talking the money we accrued from before the marriage. I think the only way I'd be ok with him splurging on some items that I don't *approve of* is if it comes out of his own account. My parents have their own little pots of mad money, too--so mom can buy purses, dad can buy fishing gear, etc. I definitely don't ask his permission before I spend my money out of my checking account (unless it's substantial, and then it's more a "what do you think?). Shoot, I bought a pair of earrings last week...didn't tell him. *shrug*
I just think that because I would feel weird if he came up to me and said, "ok we're married...i want your bank account info" (obviously that's the tacky approach, but you know what I mean...and maybe I am more sensitive than most people because of my family's financial background), and I think this translates to me being adamant about staying out of his.
I'm not saying I don't believe in the union of marriage and combining of two people. I also know too many who have been burned or taken advantage of when the situation arises. Granted that has nothing to do with pre-wedding finances =]
We're not even married yet, actually, but I'm of the mindset that things are "ours" now rather than his and mine. However, we started dating right at the beginning of college, which was seven years ago, and went into the workforce at the exact same time. There's never been any great disparity between us in terms of debt, or in earnings. We're also heading into our fourth year of living together. So, altogether, it's not hard to see us as being pretty much on exactly equal footing.
I guess I'm on the opposite end of things. I had more saved up than my soon-to-be-husband (not a lot, but still more). We combined our bank accounts a couple weeks ago and honestly, that was a big and difficult step for me. I've been independent for several years and have trouble accepting money from people (especially him). I think part of it was that we switched my money into his account (because his bank was closer and more convenient than mine), so even though most of it was "my" money, technically, it felt like anytime I spent it, I was spending "his" money. But really, it's both of ours now (part of us joining our lives together -- money included) and it's just a different mindset that I have to get used to. I feel like I'll probably be even more aware and careful of money now than before because I don't want to waste anything that he's worked hard for (as of right now, I volunteer full-time so he's supporting the both of us, other than my savings).
I agree with you, though, that I definitely wouldn't use the word "entitled". We've CHOSEN to share everything we have, including our money, but our commitment is to support and care for each other, so the focus is on what we can GIVE to each other, not what we can GET from each other. I think it's really just a different attitude about your finances.
Wow, this is such an importnat issue and it's interesting to see the various approaches. We are still feeling out the financial waters. We recently opened a joint bank account but have not yet begun using it. As of now, we keep our own seperate accounts. I had more savings since I always had a job through college and entered the workforce a year before he did. I also had more student loans. Last year, I decided to go back to school and paid off my previous student loans. At this point, I still have a bit of savings left (earmarked for the wedding) but am pretty much living from pay check to pay check happy to be debt free. We live together and split living expenses down the middle. When we travel, we split those costs evenly as well. Often he'll pay for dinner out and we rotate groceries. We both know that my income has taken a hit and will improve significantly once I finish my PhD but I didn't pay his bills when he was a student and I don't expect him to support me living above my means. We recently sat down and discussed what we each have in the bank and are trying to form a plan to join our savings and integrate our bank accounts. I think it's the feeling of losing independance I am afraid of if my salary were to be completely combined with his. If I had more disposable income, I don't think I would care as much because then I could still keep some fun money in my own account for gifts and nights out with friends, etc. I am really just afraid of having to justify such things if all of our funds are combined. It seems like you have a system that works for both of you and really that is what matters. I know we will eventually combine but maybe we just need to get past this wedding and see how much savings we have in our respective accounts. As long as your financial goals are the same, how you get to the end is really not a big deal.
We have lived together for two years and only joined up our checking and savings accounts 2 mos ago...we used to split everything including rent, food, bills, dining out (though I tended to pay for more since I make more). Frankly I found it to be a pain in the but! We were purchasing a condo and it no longer made sense for us to be "splitting things" or dividing things. I had more savings than him before we joined up, but also had more debt...I used the savings to pay off my debt and so we were about even when we joined accounts.
I agree with others about the word choice, however. If he had more savings or if I did, we would have "chosen" to share...rather than to feel entitled about it.
I don't feel entitled to any of his money. Right now we have seperate accounts and will probably continue to do so until I get a new job. Then we'll join everything up together if possible (our accounts were started in different states), if not we'll close our old accounts and just start new ones.
We agreed well before marriage that we planned to combine all of our financial resources and use them together, as a team. Right now I have the most debt (student loans) and he has some savings, but I'm providing the income right now while my husband is in grad school. So we are sharing the debt, savings and income. We plan to keep everything combined for the rest of our lives.
It was very important to me that his money and my money became "our" money to support our family together, and that we make joint decisions about how best to spend it instead of selfishly spending our own money on things that are hidden (however deliberately) from our spouses. It's going to be a little bit difficult, but we're committed to it. I wouldn't have married him otherwise!
We're not married yet, but both of us have already started thinking in terms of "ours." We still have separate accounts, but we have a general idea of how much is in each, and are planning on opening a joint account. To us, we want to share everything and pool our stuff so we can live a more efficient lifestyle. We're saving up for a wedding right now and we don't want to go into debt to pay for it. That means we both need to know from which of our investments we can pull money from that would put the smallest dent in our savings to buy a house and have children later. We never discussed sharing all our finances. It's just how it is with us.
I imagine though, we would still have our separate, personal accounts so we can buy each other presents and stuff. As long as we keep to an agreed amount to put into the "family pot," every month, I don't feel the need to know about all his finances.
Anyways, every couple is different. If you are comfortable with what you got, why change it? Lol!
The different approaches people mention are very interesting. I agree with everyone above that "entitled" is a strong word. And not to diss your friends, but I think it's pretty out-of-line for them to be telling you how you should manage your finances as a couple. I don't talk about it with all my married friends, but I have discussed with some of my closer ones...and as far as I can tell every single couple does it slightly differently. For us, completely merging was sort of always a given (maybe the way we were both raised or something, dunno). So "whether" was not a big question, but "how" was. We're still finishing off the logistics, but basically we are merging everything (neither of us has debt, he has more personal savings, I bring perhaps a bit more from my family plus my less substantial personal savings). Though we will handle the pre-wedding expenses on our existing CC's from our existing individual accounts. Then we'll shunt a portion of what goes into our joint accounts into individual accounts to spend as "mad money".
But I can totally see doing what you both have done as well. I don't think there is any one right way...and I think that your friends needs to mind their own business :)
i think Mr Bee poses an interesting question here...
I wouldn't feel responsible for any debt my partner may have from before we were together - and to be honest, although I would want to encourage him to get out of debt, I'm not sure whether I would offer to help pay those debts (reason being I have my own bills to pay and that those existing debts of his have nothing to do with me) to be honest I think he would be offended if I offered! And I don't know how I would feel about him offering to pay my debts if I had entered our relationship with any!
Mountain.bride has an excellent point that "entitled" is a dangerous word to use.
I certainly don't feel 'entitled' to any savings Mr Panda has - but I wouldn't turn him down if he offered to use them to fund things for the both of us; but that's entirely his decision and I wouldn't ever put pressure on him to use his money for something I wanted more than him!
How far should a couple really take "what's mine is yours" I wonder?
In our case, for a variety of reasons, we've chosen to keep most of our finances separate, as we have in the 3 years we've lived together. It makes sense for us and our current financial situation. I think we plan to combine somewhat in the future, but for the most part, we're sticking with the "yours, mine, ours" system. We will contribute proportionally to our household expenses and savings, but maintain our individual accounts. We plan to each keep our pre-marriage debt as our individual responsibilities. Personally, I can't see expecting him to pay my Visa bill because I needed a new pair of boots. ;) Our individual expenses and debts are our own responsibilities. He had more savings pre-marriage than I did, but frankly, unless he volunteered to contribute that to our household expenses/joint savings, it will stay his and he can do whatever he wants with it.
Personally, I have a problem with the concept of one partner being entitled to ANYTHING from the other partner, outside of committment, love and respect.
Entitled! Definitely not. My husband and I both have separate checking and savings accounts and a joint checking account (which we got before we were married). We both consider our separate money to be "ours" but don't need to have access to it. If I need money for something he gives it to me and vice versa. We make about the same amount (he makes a little more because he gets extra money for teaching on Saturdays). He has no student loan debt whereas I have about $65,000 in loans, which he has offered to help me pay down so that we can be completely debt free. I thought that was sweet. But we both don't feel entitled to each other's money at all.
I think some people feel it's an all or nothing approach to marriage. That you're either all in or all out, and I think it *can* be perceived as mistrust, selfishness, or greed if you don't lump everything together, and I *think* that is the reason I'm catching flack. Or, perhaps in my case, a desire to remain independent in addition to being married. I have an aunt who gets married, gets added to the bank accounts, then when they get divorced (she's been married a few too many times), she takes half the money and walks. "it's mine, i'm entitled, i earned it" is what she says. How is that right? It's THAT mindset, though!
I have a lot of coworkers who are married with kids and their wives stay at homes. Often, they still comment, "Well, technically it's *my* money" and I really dislike hearing that...So, whether or not they feel that way, that is what they portray to others as the breadwinners with "final call" on stuff.
My dad was the breadwinner in our house and mom took care of us. She always had to ask if it was ok to spend the money on anything aside from groceries and the bills. "can i take the kids shopping for clothes, they need X." or if she wanted some new shoes or something, she had to ask permission. And sometimes he said no "because he made the money". It's all fine and dandy until *somebody* starts to get a little too controlling (such are my parents)...I don't want to have to notify DH or ask permission before I spend money where necessary. Or minorly desired. Trust me, i don't go overboard. I'm already frugal and savvy as it is! I know this is a major part of why my mom decided to start working when we were growing up.
I think when you feel "entitled" versus it being a joint decision (obviously people wouldn't have combined finances if both parties weren't in agreement...and I have friends who say they wouldn't marry a man who wouldn't fully agree to support them financially...? Personally I can't wrap my head around marrying someone only if he says he'll "take care of me"), down the road it makes you feel entitled to other things and it can become a greedy mindset instead of a mutual decision.
I think we all agree "entitled" is a bad, bad word!
I don't think it's strange.
Mr. Gothy & I do not share finances. We probably won't fully share once we're married. In fact, I loaned him $500 a few weeks ago and I fully expect him to pay that back before he spends that money on other things.
However, we are setting up a joint account specifically to pay for the wedding stuff. I will be in charge of it as I will be the primary breadwinner in our house and he just doesn't like dealing with finances.
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