Post # 1
Hi ladies! I was discussing newly married life with a few friends of mine last night. They think it’s very strange that I’m not on my husband’s checking/savings account–the one he’s always had, the one from BEFORE we were married. He’s not on mine, either. We do have a joint account, though.
They say I’m “entitled” to his pre-marriage money. That it’s “mine now”. He has a lot more money saved than I do. I don’t feel like I deserve to spend his pre-marriage money or have access to it–it’s from *before* we joined our lives together. He’s worked for 3 years longer than me!
So, is this just a very old-fashioned traditional mindset that you are entitled to what your husband has from before marriage? (taking aside the fact that you don’t share living expenses beforehand). Is it really that odd that I don’t feel justified touching his pre-wedding finances? He’s all for using his money towards the house or towards stuff for us…but I feel weird being all “it’s my money, too”, since we weren’t married when he acquired it.
I think it’s one thing if you both start off with nothing (right out of school or whatever), but what if one person has been working a lot longer than the other b/c one person is older? Hmmmm. Is it really that strange?! I don’t want to be a gold-digger, lol
Post # 3
We both were in debt when we got married, so we avoided this situation! 🙂
Would it be different if he had pre-wedding debt instead of pre-wedding savings… would you feel more joint-ownership over his debt than his savings? I’m asking because I probably would! Trying to figure out what that means… it’s easier to give than to receive?
Post # 4
my husband has much more in savings than I, and I don’t have access to his account either. We have a joint account that we opened long before we were married, but that was primarily so I could have an account away from my mom (she’d take money from college account that was linked to hers) This way, if I had money I needed to be put into the bank, hubby could do it for me without me worrying about my mom. It’s basically my account though. He has access, but has never ever used it. Not to deposit or withdraw. His I don’t have access to, but even if I did, I wouldn’t feel right taking the money out. I know if I needed it, he would happily hand it over to me (he gave my brother a big lump sum of money to help him out with debts my mother racked up on his credit card). So, while it’s his, it’s kind of ours too.
Post # 5
I always feel weird when it comes to money and my fiance. I don’t know, I have friends who after dating a guy for a couple months are completely fine with taking him shopping and letting him buy them stuff. And not stuff in the sense of like, a gift, but also like home stuff, like shampoo. I don’t know if it is just me or what, but I always feel weird about someone spending money on me that is not in my family.
Don’t get me wrong, I love getting gifts (who doesn’t? haha) but when it comes from a guy I am involved with it just makes me feel weird and I don’t know why. But I love getting my fiance stuff so maybe I am being hypocritical?
Anyways, I said all of that to get to my point that I don’t feel entitled at all to my fiance’s savings, even though he is always telling me I should feel that way and how it isn’t “his” savings anymore but “ours”. Lately, he has been trying to get me to pay my car payment out of his money but I haven’t.
I guess it’s just one of those things that you have to work out as it comes along. Since we aren’t living together right now, and he is deployed, it isn’t a big deal yet, but I forsee us having to discuss it more in the future.
Post # 6
Good point! Yes, I’d be more likely to help him with his debt (reasonably anyways) since I am financially stable (good job, house, no debt).
I wouldn’t turn over my life savings and say “here you go”, but I WOULD put *us* on a strict budget and make him stick to it, too. I wouldn’t let him just assume that I’d take care of it and pay it off for him since I didn’t have any debt, though.
Hmm. I’m grateful to give but yes, I feel more uncomfortable receiving I guess …and I don’t like the word “entitled”. Like I am deserving just because we got married. The phrasing rubs me the wrong way.
Post # 7
Once we get married, my money is our money, and his money is our money. He has a bit more savings than I do, but I’m certainly not going to spend it myself! It’ll be saved for our life together.
Post # 8
@honeybunny, maybe this is a military mindset, LOL.
I, too, feel weird when we’d go grocery shopping (back when we were just dating) and I’d need, say, deoderant and he’d be like, “i’ll get it”. I’m like, “no, I can buy my own deoderant!” Maybe it’s that “i’m independent” thing kicking in. That I don’t need a man to buy my deoderant! But that was awhile ago. I sent him stuff he needed all the time when he was deployed–soup cans, baby wipes, etc. It’s not like I expected a reimbursement check. I feel hypocritical in that aspect, too!
But also, to an extent, I don’t want him to feel like I’m using him because I do have my own job. He says that b/c I’m not “gimme gimme”, he loves taking me out and doing things for me more often, because when he does, I’m exceptionally grateful b/c it’s never expected. Weird, right?
Also, I DO like that if he buys me a gift, it’s truly a gift from him…not technically something I paid half for =]
Post # 9
EJS – Haha Maybe it is a military thing. It’s funny you brought up the deodorant thing, last time I went to Ft. Richardson to see him, somehow all of my shampoo, bodywash, deodorant stuff didn’t make it with me so I remember standing in the PX body stuff aisle trying to explain to him that “No baby I don’t need you to buy my shaving cream but that is sweet of you to offer” haha. Then of course he did anyways because they had to see his i.d. since they wouldn’t let me check the stuff out and he used his card before I could stop him. Men lol.
Our guy’s seem to be on the same level about gift gving too, mine has commented that he likes the fact that I don’t expect him to buy me stuff like other girls he has been with before did, and it actually makes him want to treat me MORE because I’m not like that. Funny how those things are huh?
Post # 10
Absolutely not, and I hope he does not feel entitled to mine. That does not mean we are not honest and up front about our finances. I think some of women want to feel entitled to his bank account not for the money, but for the control.
On another note. I am wary of newly married women who use the word “entitled”. They should be using “Lucky” “Appreciative” “Blessed” in the same sentence as their husbands.
Post # 11
I have about $50,000 in savings because I took 2.5 years off to work before law school and he has about $200,000 in medical school debt. That’s a pretty big imbalance, I’m 23. When I’m done with law school, between a scholarship and my savings, I’ll be debt free. And I’ll be making 175-225K when he’s only making 50K (and still has 200K of debt) for 3 or 4 years after I graduate. I don’t see him as a gold digger.
I also don’t see myself as a gold digger for marrying a future surgical subspecialist who will eventually doubly outearn me. It’s irritatingly sexist how often people assume I’m lucky or riding the gold train until I say what I just said above.
We realize that our earnings are going to be grossly imbalanced for the rest of our lives, with me having and earning the money early and him earning the money later. To avoid permanent conflict, we’re choosing to see everything as “ours.” We’re a team. We don’t want one or the other to feel guilty for years about spending the other’s money: he doesn’t want to feel bad now, and I don’t want to feel bad when we’re older. So it’s always “ours.”
That said, since we’re not married yet he doesn’t have access to my checking or credit accounts. I plan to add him to my bank accounts once we’re married and it’ll be “our” money. We’ve generally agreed discuss anything over several hundred dollars. We’re both very very good with money, though, and already have similar spending patterns. When we have extra money we’re both inclined to save rather than spend, with maybe biannual bigger ticket splurges.
If you don’t have similar spending patterns and relationships with money, you need to talk about it. What do you both do with an extra $50, $500, or $5000 dollars lying around? What are your financial goals? Have the conversations and work something out so you don’t have to feel guilty.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t say you are “entitled.” Some couples choose to merge accounts entirely — some retain some of their own funds. If it doesn’t bother you that he has that money, then that is perfectly fine. Don’t let your friends create a problem where one does not exist. I would just caution that you two find a way to maintain informed about what you are spending your own money on so that no issues do arise from the different amounts of savings you have. That being said, if he elects to share some of his savings with you, you can feel blessed to have such a generous, giving husband. 🙂 I wouldn’t worry about it!
Post # 13
I don’t know that I felt “entitled” to his savings, but there was never an issue/discussion of who would be able to spend it – we wanted to buy a house and all the money he saved goes for that. So, it became our savings. My husband had more opportunity to save money (first job out of college also paid most of his living expenses), so I came into the relationship with debt and he came in with savings.
Post # 14
i think the word “entitled” is what is throwing me off. i mean, it’s not like he wouldn’t help you or prevent you from purchasing something should you need it…right? But I think that since you already have a joint account, separate accounts are also best to keep money for what you both want to buy (how else could you buy each other present without being found out?!)
Post # 15
My husband is a saver and always has been. I’ve never felt entitled to his money. When I had debt, he helped me get rid of it because he doesn’t want debt in our marriage. I’ve also never gone around spending money expecting I could do what I want because his money would end up paying for it at the end of the day. He has his accounts from before we were married and I have mine, but we make all financial decisions together. When doing to bills every month we make sure to pay everything in full, even if that means one person is helping the other person pay their bills. Again, we make all financial decisions together, so that means one of us wouldn’t go on a shopping spree expecting the other to pay for it.
Post # 16
I have read alot of different things on here re:money after marriage and alot of people are doing the opposite of what we are but in all honesty it works for us. My DH is very old fashioned and knew I had difficulty with money, more debt but made more pre-marriage. It did not matter, no matter what, his savings was ours as well as his stocks, bonds and cd’s. He is very money savey and has been saving since he was old enough to work. We worked on my debt before we were married and everything is joint now that we are. No seperate accts nothing. We are one. I, however, did not feel entitled to anything. I actually feel guilty at times that he is using his hard earned savings to pay off my debt but ultimately in the end, it does help US as a unit better. I felt weird but he has helped me tremendously and I have learned so much and am now a far more frugal spender and wiser saver now than I ever was. Plus, when you have one acct and its joint, it really makes me think twice on what I spend the money on. I use to be crazy about shopping but now I think, hmmm do I buy a nice pair of jeans, save it for something for the house or just put it in savings? By doing this we are so far more ahead than some couples our age and we never have fights about money.