Post # 1
Just wondering how all of you feel about your friends’ expectations of your relationships. My friends seem to think hubs and I never ever fight, though I tell them we do just like everyone else! Recently a couple friends saw us get into a stupid drunken argument. It was a mistake and I feel horrible. 1 because it was innappropriate, 2 because our friends seemed scarred by it! We are normally very careful to never fight in front of everyone. Now I feel like this stupid argument has damaged how everyone sees us, even though they had unrealistic ideas. Part of me feels relieved though that we don’t have to hide the fact that we disagree and work through things, but I’m really upset and feel bad at the same time…any thoughts from fellow bees?
Post # 3
@VioletSky: There’s no such thing as the perfect couple. Please don’t feel bad. I’m sure it’s no one’s goal to fight in front of their friends but sometimes that happens. Maybe if you feel really bad about it you can talk to your friends about what happened.
Post # 4
@VioletSky: Yes. Oh my god, especially after we were married. People seem to think that we just never fight, are perfect for each other, etc. etc.
Going on year 3 and I am less inclined to paint the perfect picture, because damn does he get on my nerves sometimes! It happens, don’t feel bad! 🙂
Post # 5
I don’t really feel pressure, but we are also both very private when it comes to our relationship. We rarely argue and if we do, we keep it between the two of us. We are friends with a couple that argues all the time, and they tell anyone and everyone about it which drives me nuts.
Post # 6
We fight in front of other people ALL the time, and yet people STILL keep saying we’re the perfect couple and perfect for each other. I therefore don’t feel pressure to seem “perfect” in public…but it does make me feel like if our marriage was *knockonwood* ever to dissolve, people would be more shocked and I’d feel more like I failed…
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
They aren’t your children, and you’re not responsible for their expectations. I’m sure they weren’t “scarred” by your fight because your relationship really shouldn’t mean that much to them. If it does, that’s a little weird!
I feel like my FH and I are a “perfect couple” by realistinc (not stepford) standards, because part of being a “perfect couple” IMO isn’t never fighting/disagreeing- it’s fighting productively and knowing how to manage your disagreements.
Post # 8
@VioletSky: You sound like me; friends call us the “perfect couple,” which I am always quick to say “nobody is perfect!” But a few months after we got married we also had a really bad extremely drunk argument one night in front of all our friends and I was so EMBARESSED the next morning! I also felt that it damaged the unrealistic way our friends saw our relationship. But, all I did was tell everyone the next day how dumb it was to argue about something so stupid when we were drunk, basically brushed it off, and didn’t make a big deal about it. We are human after all, and couples argue about stupid stuff in the wrong place and wrong time.
This was years ago, and now we are back to being the “perfect couple” in our friends eyes. It is annoying because I feel like our friends are so judgy when it comes to our relationship, but we love them anyway!
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
I totally understand. It’s tough to be “the married couple” when your friends are single or in not-quite-committed relationships. It seems “marriage is work” is only known to those who are married. The critical point here is… you do work through everything together. Fights, arguments, whatevers happen, but it’s the ability to work through them and still love each that matters. Of course, you already know that. 🙂
Your friends will get over it because I’m sure they see you lovey-dovey 95 percent of the time, and they’ll realize that of course you two don’t agree on everything (and that’s okay).
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2012 - Cabin
No. People think we are a perfect couple in disagreements and not. Even before we were a couple, people thought we were perfect for each other.
We are just ourselves, so there are no expectations for us atleast, and we like it that way. I know some people who try so hard to put on the best couple image, so when something does happen, they have to try harder to hide that. It’s easier for Darling Husband and I to just be ourselves.
Post # 11
I don’t necessarily feel pressured to act like we’re perfect, but I HATE arguing with people around. I won’t do it. If he’s in a mood and people are around, I’ll either leave the room or sit there and not say anything. There’s a time and place for arguing, and in front of other people just isn’t it.
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
In my circle of girlfriends we are pretty “warts and all” in our discussions of our relationships. It’s not the we badmouth our spouses, it’s just that we are straightforward about things when they go awry. We’ve never had any issues when socializing with friends, but if we did I’d probably be a bit embarassed. We prefer to keep those things behind closed doors.
Post # 13
Neither of us really cares what anyone thinks of our relationship. The only two people taking part in it and affected by it are us. However, we don’t argue around others just like we don’t make out like teenagers around others.
Post # 14
No. We are totally real all the time (not that we don’t have manners and social grace). I would never want to feel that way. I have worked hard to be totally myself.
Post # 15
Never. We definitely bicker and have our disagreements but we manage to work through them pretty easily. We rarely have what I would consider an actual fight – and never in front of others. We’re very private people and if we need to discuss something, we save it for when we’re alone.
I actually look at other couples we know and feel so grateful for our relationship. I know some people who continually go back and forth form crazy in love to threatening divorce, and others who verbally abuse each other, claiming it’s all in good fun. I understand each relationship has its own dynamic, but to me, calling one’s spouse names and threatening to kick their ass is not good, clean fun. Darling Husband and I never disrespect each other like that. We’re far from perfect, but I love our relationship and the respect and appreciation we have for each other.
Post # 16
Well, I am married to a pastor, so, there definitely is some pressure and expectation that, certainly the PASTOR and his wife have it all together. However, given that we are human, we absolutely don’t have it all together all of the time, and, depending on the setting and the person, I’ve been very transparent about that.
Marriage is ridiculously difficult as two people are forced to compromise in ways they never had to do when they were single. For those who believe as I do, that, in marriage, two people become “one flesh,” there essentially is this whole extra person (i.e. the selfishness in both people) that needs to “die” for two people to begin to merge their lives into one, spiritually speaking.
I love being able to help others who may be experiencing some of the things that I have experienced on this journey. That’s one of the reaons I spend a lot of time in the Hive. The way I see it, if I have to learn all of these lessons, I want to be there to help soften the transition for others.:)