Do you get offended when people ask when you will have a baby? So we've been married like 6 months, and people think first come love, then comes marriage, and then comes one in a baby carriage.
Do you find this rude? And if you do, what do you guys say to deflect such a question?
It doesn't bother me, we want kids in 5-7 years so that's what I tell them. I guess I would probably be put off if we weren't planning on having kids...But since we plan to eventually TTC, it doesn't offend me. I usually elaborate a little and explain how we want to grow together and do some more experiences like international travel before we have kids, and everyone has been understanding...
@carbear02: Well, I'm older (getting married in 3 months) so when people ask those questions I just lie and say "we're trying" but don't have enough money for fertillity treatments. It usually gets people to leave us alone, I have yet to convince someone to give me money.....working on that lol.
I don'thave a problem with it, but I'm TERRIFIED that we're going to have fertility problems and everyone will know!
Have a couple of neutral responses like, "All in due time..." or "We're just enjoying being married!".
I find that people are just trying to make small talk, unless it's family or close friends, and they're really wondering.
The best response to any question you don't want to answer is "why do you ask?". Make them feel uncomfortable for asking!
I don't really care. I understand where it's coming from-- we're married, been together a long time, have good jobs, in our mid to late 20s... yeah, it's pretty much time.
In response, I just chuckle and say the first will be here by the time I'm 30. I'm 26, we intend to start trying next year, so by the time I'm 30 should be true (i'm hoping for 28). My sister-in-law actually said this, so when her 30th birthday was rounding the corner, we were all waiting for the announcement-- which came just right around it.
"Sometime in the next five years" is what I tell folks who aren't close enough to know my age and really shouldn't be asking anyway.
It's not offensive, but it kind of makes the people people asking sound a bit naive and perhaps narrowminded (not to mention nosy) for assuming that every couple either wants to have children or is able to have children.
@carbear02: I think it's rude, because it's not really anyone's business. For all they know, you might be pregnant already and not ready to announce; you could be dealing with infertility; you could not want children; or any other possibility.
I know people don't intend it to be rude, but to me, it crosses a line. I would never ask anyone this question, not even my sister.
Yes. And then I scream "YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU TALK TO ME!"
But for real, it makes my skin crawl. It's none of your business what I'm doing with my vajay unless I initiate the conversation thankyouverymuch.
I do get offended, though my situation is a bit different than yours. In my family, children are more likely than marriage so I've been getting the "when are you gonna have a baby" question since I turned 20.
I tend to default to the "ask me after I find a suitable mate" answer which isn't an option for you.
Usually the way to get people to stop bugging you with uncomfortable questions is to let them know that they're upsetting you and that what you're planning on doing with your womb in the immediate or not so immediate future is not a topic for casual conversation.
I do. DH and I are a ok with no kids and we dont know if that will change down the line, but regardless, people need to hop off it.
I usually tell my child-less questioners "right after you"
I don't get offended by it because I know they are not trying to be rude. It gets really annoying but I appreciate people being interested in my life. I always answer with 'When God blesses us with one'. There usually isn't a response to that.
@MrsLongcoatPeacoat: Yeah I was thinking that, and then an abrupt change in topic. Any abrupt change in topics you like to bring up after awkward comments besides the weather?
@oneofthesethings: sometimes I'd like to say "Why do people ask obnoxious questions that are none of their business"?
@stillme: +1, some things I think ppl shouldn't ask. just wait to be informed after it happens.
I don't waste my time being offended over people asking me conversation questions. People get their feathers ruffled way too easily these days. If someone said "Have a baby already you FREAK" then I would be offended.
We're not even married yet and people are already asking when we're having kids. It's crazy. I don't really get offended or anything. I'm just like, "...umm, sometime after we're married."
@deetroitwhat: bahahaha +1
I don't get mad and huffy, but its weird. It would never be acceptable to ask someone "hey, are you getting sexed up lately?!" in normal life, but somehow when babies become involved, it becomes okay to some people.
I have a friend who has been quietly struggling with TTC for 7 years, and its beyond painful for her when people ask because she's not public about their problems. I would never dream of asking someone when they're planning on children, but I know people do. I never got really offended, but I do feel like its intrusive.
We don't know if we really want kids or not. When people ask "when" we just respond with "If we have kids, it won't be for several years." It's a little weird to ask, but it doesn't bother me, people are just curious. It's like when people ask what ethnicity I am, they're just curious, not trying to be rude.
If it's someone that I'm VERY close to, i.e., one of my best friends, then I don't mind. However, with most people I definitely mind. My husband and I are TTC right now. So far we have had one miscarriage and are back to the drawing board. The miscarriage was actually less traumatizing than I expected, though it was obviously not a picnic and I am not thrilled about delaying our process due to our ages. (I'm 35, he's 37.)
If I had a crystal ball and knew how the rest of this process would play out, then I would not care about sharing our plans. But if things don't go well then I may not want to share such personal information with many people. I'm pretty private with my feelings, except with my "inner circle", so I need to protect myself from this possibility.
I have told a few close friends about my miscarriage, but I have not even told my parents or MIL. I don't want their pity, and I don't want to deal with their sad feelings about it. There is no need to go there. My close friends understand when I say that it happened so early that I wasn't yet feeling much of an emotional attachment. They won't overreact (or underreact) about it. Most people wouldn't "get" me that well, and I don't have the energy or desire to explain.
I also need to manage this sort of news at work because it will definitely affect my career and I need to deal with it accordingly.
It depends.
Random strangers: I am not offended, nor do I think it is rude. It's simply questioning the natural "flow" of things.
When my mother asks: My mother pushes my buttons and I turn into Mt. Vesuvius and nearly come undone at the seams. Mainly because I am tired of her asking for grandbabies.
I don't get offended necessarily, but I do think it's far too personal a question for anyone to ask except close family and maybe close friends.
It can be a little intrusive and I think it can be a frustrating question to hear if you are trying and nothing is happening.
It doesn't bother me. I just say "we aren't planning to have kids." And they say "Never???" and then it goes into the whole, you HAVE to have kids, you'll be GREAT parents, I want more GRANDBABIES, etc. It still doesn't offend me. I understand to people with kids, kids are the greatest thing blah blah blah.
It's kind of rude, but I don't get offended. I just brush em off cause kids aren't on my radar, so I say "maybe after grad school" or something and they drop it. They're usually not fishing for juicy detail about the activity of my vagina/sex life/whatever, just making small talk. I feel the same way about 85% of the things PG ladies get upset over too.
I don't get offended, but it does get a little annoying when his Grandma says stuff becuase she seems to be the only one being impatient. We just tell her we will let you know when it happens :-)
Not offended, but it can be kind of annoying. I usually just smile and shrug and say "Sometime" haha. It's none of their business and that's a nice way of evading the question.
It depends. I guess I don't mind the question so much, but I do get offended when family make the assumption that we WILL be having kids and soon. I'm 27, DH is 29, we've been together for 8 years but married for only 3 months and the whole "well, you guys took so long to get married, and you're not getting any younger...." is getting kind of old. Literally every time we are around a younger child we get the "aww, so cute that you're practicing!". We're not even 100% sure that we want kids yet (we probably do, but it's at least 3 years down the line), I'm defending my doctoral dissertation in 3 months, the LAST thing we need right now is a kid!
It really depends who is asking. I don't mind people asking in general. It really bothers me when people follow up my answer with what we SHOULD do. We haven't told anyone what we're planning on doing, I just give a generic answer.
@bluegreenjean: +1000
Exactly this, why do people just assume you want kids? If you're on the fence it can be very uncomfortable! especially because when you say you're not even sure you want kids they just try and convince you that you will change your mind...
I don't get offended by it. It's a natural thing to assume marriage = baby. That's the way its been for so long. Anyone who knows me and DH knows to stop asking as we have made it very clear it won't be for a few years. Honestly, I think its a silly thing to be offended about. It's really more of a conversation piece for many people.
I'm SO glad I haven't had this happen yet! Well, actually once. My sister is pushy about me giving her a niece or nephew but I've told her she can count on that when pigs fly because I am NOT having children. Then I let her meet my furbaby lol I think it'll bug me if I start to get that when I get married. Truthfully unless you are close to me, it's none of your damn business if I want a baby or don't.
I frequently get bombarded with this question and usually, I just answer something non-committal and move on. This past weekend, however, I was at my parents' place when this old friend of theirs (who hadn't seen in probably ten years) showed up unexpectedly. The first question out of her mouth was, "Why don't you have children yet? Are you trying to prevent them? I mean, are you taking medication to not have babies???" It was just such an awful question and I was caught so off guard. Needless to say, my response was less than polite.
I'm still shaking my head over it!
It didn’t offend me, but I didn’t really appreciate it, either. I started getting those questions as soon as we were married, and as a woman with an advanced degree and a new career I didn’t like the implication that there was nothing else for a married 20-something woman to be doing or thinking about besides popping out babies.
I never ask people when they’ll have kids. It could be a sensitive subject (maybe they are trying and having fertility issues, maybe they don’t want kids, maybe they disagree on a timeline, etc.) and even if it isn’t sensitive, another couple’s reproductive timeline really isn’t any of my business.
I voted yes, though for me it's more annoying than offensive.
We don't want children. Ever. I hate the assumption that we will have children. I also hate the questions that inevitably follow when we answer their rude, prying, presumptive question with 'we're not having children'.
It's bad enough that they make the assumption in the first place. It is 10 times worse when they think they have the right to question us for not following the life-script. What on earth is it to them if we do or don't procreate? I don't get it.
@carbear02: Life is about ritual and customs and rites of passage. After marriage the next traditional rite of passage is to have a child so of course people are going to ask when you are going to have a child. Take it as a good sign that they respect your marriage and probably think that you would be good parents. In the alternative, I generally don't ask people having marital problems or issues when they are going to have a child.
A quick "it's none of your business" or "we are enjoying it being just the two of us first" should shut them up and if not then shame them into silence by telling them outright they are being rude by asking.
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