Post # 1
hey. I’m in a great relationship with a great woman. Recently, we started living together. I own a house, have a great paying job, and have established roots in my community. My partner wants to leave and either go to grad school or work in another city.
I can probably find another job, but probably not at the salary I Make now. I’ll have to sale my house and move away from my family. I’m really family oriented and love seeing my nephews and parents 1-2 times a week. Moving away would make that hard.
i worked really hard to have a good career and own a nice home. My girlfriend is awesome, but she does not have a steady job, money, or can really support herself now. If we move, I’m uncertain of what will happen.
I am 37 and she’s 31 We both have a great educations I love her, and thought I could move away, but it’s just too much considering all that I’ve accomplished these years
What do you think?
She says if I don’t move, we will have to go our separate ways. If I move, I know I won’t be happy. There’s something special about working I my community and being close to family whom I love.
Ive been trying to tell her this, but she doesn’t seem to listen. When we get together with her family, they talk about getting rid of my dogs and selling my home. It makes me feel like others are trying to control this though I know they mean well.
I think at this stage in my life it doesn’t make sense to move. But do you go for it anyway? Or is it a dealbreaker?
Post # 2
I think the answer is really a personal one – dependant on the individual relationship and how long you have been together. With that said, it sounds like for you, it is a deal breaker. It also sounds like, your girlfiriend hasnt given much thought as to what would make YOU happy, only what she wants. She has decided it suits her to move and if you dont like it, too bad. That doesnt sound like the makings of a lasting partnership. My opinion would be, if moving to another city will make you unhappy, you woul definitely not be happy if the relationship failed and you were in another city.
Side note – if anyone suggested I “get rid of my dogs” for any reason, nevermind to follow them to another city… they would be out on the pavement so fast their heads would spin, NEVER to be forgiven. Definitely not someone who would be worthy of my time. End of story.
Post # 3
How far away does she want to move? Does she have connections elsewhere?
Post # 4
Wow. So many deal breakers. I would never imagine dropping your entire life for another person without being married, and even then, it would need to make sense. She sounds selfish and if she is threatening to leave you to pursue a life somewhere else without compromise, doesn’t that say something about what she thinks about your relationship?
Also – you had me at giving up the dogs. Hell no.
Post # 5
You said yourself that if you move you won’t be happy. So there’s your answer. Don’t move. But on the other hand, you’ve got to let her go. She’s basically told you that if she stays, then she’ll be unhappy (she’s got goals she wants to reach). It’s not fair for you to push for her to stay, just as it’s not fair for her to push for you to move.
You guys just aren’t compatible anymore.
Post # 6
No. You already said in so many words that you know you won’t be happy. Don’t put yourself through this. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership. This one is far from that.
Post # 7
Only you can make that call. You obviously want different things. It sounds like you’re giving consideration to her feelings, but she doesn’t seem to be reciprocating that. I think that’s a huge red flag. It’s also no skin off of her back to move away, because she isn’t established where you live. You will be the one making the big sacrifices, not her. But you are the one that will have to decide what you love/want more: to be close to your family, or to have her in your life. It doesn’t sound like you can choose both. Which one would you be more devastated over losing? I can definitely relate to the desire to travel and live elsewhere, but you don’t want one of you being miserable. I agree with PP that the suggestion to get rid of your dog would make me kick someone in the pants. As a dog mommy, that would NEVER be an option for me. Nor would I tolerate someone trying to force me to give up my fur baby.
Post # 8
If she doesn’t get into graduate school, then she will find work. She does have connections. I don’t want to keep her from achieving her goals. But I love family. I love my community and I am pretty well off here. She would stay in the same state. Her mother also doesn’t like me because she says I am too set in my ways.
Post # 9
Put me firmly in the camp of ‘getting rid of my dogs’ equals the death knell for the relationship. Anyone who could even suggest such a thing is too heartless for my taste and clearly does not know me at all.
When I met Dh I had five, yes five very big, very social German Shepherds. He threw himself fully into developing relationships with them. Today, we have three and he actually does more for them than I.
I would not have married him otherwise.
As for the rest of your gf’s demands—completely, totally unreasonable. It’s her way or nothing. She’s emotionally blackmailing you. It’s hard to fathom how you could expect to have a happy life with this selfish manipulator.
Stay where you are. You love your job, your community, your life. Hold out for a woman who will treat you with some respect.
Post # 10
I don’t think it’s a good sign that she basically gave you an ultimatum to move or it’s over, and isn’t giving any consideration to all of the sacrifices you’d be making. It kind of shows what kind of person she is that she would give up on you that easily.
Post # 11
vince25 : It sounds like there is no compromise to be made in terms of location. You two have different priorities and are not on the same path anymore. She does not know what she wants other than to not be there. You are rooted and have a future where you are. It does not make practical or financial sense for you to move, especially if you know now it will not make you happy. Also, who needs in-laws who posses such exceedingly poor judgment that they want to get rid of your dogs and house?
Post # 12
My husband did move for me and gave up his family and friends and town. It has impacted his overall happiness and still does even 5 years later.
Honestly, if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have let him do it knowing how hard it’s been on his overall happiness.
Post # 13
Life is too short to do things that make you unhappy, and it sounds like this move would make you really unhappy. For that reason, no, I don’t think you should move. Not to mention, if she is that easily willing to give you an ultimatum “move with me or we break up”, then it sounds like she’s just not that into you.
Post # 14
I don’t think you should be giving up everything for love. I think there should be a compromise involved.
When I asked my now fiance to move away from family, I looked for benefits for both of us before suggesting it, I didn’t just look at how it helped me.
Post # 15
Love and partnerships should add to your life, not take away from them. You shouldn’t have to “give up everything” and if it feels like you are doing that then it will forever be a cloud over your relationship. It sounds like you and your gf have different goals and visions in life and it’s time to let her go. In the future you could both find other partners whose life plans are more aligned .