Do you give up everything for love?

posted 6 days ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
7184 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

“When we get together with her family, they talk about getting rid of my dogs and selling my home. It makes me feel like others are trying to control this though I know they mean well.“

This to me seems very strange. What do your dogs have to do with anything? 

I picked up and moved for my husband, however, at the time I did not have a job and he had a very good job offer. If I had an established career when I met him, I would have likely moved on if he was insisting I move. 

I also would be very wary of dating a 31 year old who doesn’t have a steady job and can’t support herself. Who supports her now? Her parents?

How far away is this city? Has she even been accepted to grad school or given a job offer? What does this city have to offer that your current location doesn’t have?

There are just so many red flags in this for me. I would tell her I’m not moving and if that means ending the relationship, then so be it. 

Post # 17
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Ok first of all I could NEVER be with someone who would even entertain the idea of asking me to give up my pets. No, no, HELL NO. Second of all, it sounds like this relationship has run its course and that you should walk away. From the sounds of it, I don’t think your gf has much considerstion for your feelings or what’s important to you. 

Post # 18
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

This kind of decision is really dependent on the individual relationship. I gave up my home, job, friends and family when I moved with FI for his job. It was incredibly hard, and it still is. But for ME, I knew that home is where we are together, and I would absolutely be happier with him on our own than without him at all. Your situation sounds different, as you said yourself that you would not be happy if you moved. There’s your answer. It also sounds like she is unable to see your point of view. That is not a good sign for future life decisions. 

Post # 19
Member
5163 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: San Francisco City Hall

“She says if I don’t move, we will have to go our separate ways”

I found the above to be very off putting.  It seems she is drawing a hard line in the sand and if you don’t sacrifice everything to be with her then she simply is done with you and the relationship.  I could be wrong but that doesn’t sound like love to me.

You would be giving up so much, you family, career, community, dogs and home for someone who is not established or really prepared to contribute equally to a relationship. My intuition says don’t go, what does yours say?

ETA: Additional details would be helpful.  How long have you been dating her and how far away is she moving?

Post # 20
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

So she is happy for you to give up your life to move for her, but she wouldnt stay for you? 

Well there is your answer right there, she doesnt think you are worth it so dont waste your time/effort moving for her.

Hell no I wouldnt move. 

Keep your dogs and tell her family to back off.

Post # 21
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

Yeah when she got with you she knew you were established you dont just get with somebody to change them, you love them for who they are and thats it

Post # 22
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

nope, i wouldnt do it. If she doesnt have a steady job and good recommendations to get her a new job in this new city, then she clearly doesnt have a solid plan. I wouldnt move my entire life for someone who thinks they might be able to get a better job. 

if she’s really dead set on moving, let her move and when she nails down a solid paying job, then I would consider it. 

Post # 23
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I left my country ( 5000 miles away), my job, friends and my family behind to be with my husband. IMO its very personal. Your GF doesnt seems like a good match for you. If you way more stable in life, then she is the one who should move to you. 

Post # 24
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

I moved for my husband. But he had a great job that he didn’t want to leave, whereas I was quite young, not settled, and didn’t really have a specific plan. It was clearly the best compromise. You say she wants to study OR get a job… it sounds like she doesn’t have something specific in mind. She’s not asking you to relocate for a dream opportunity… Unless there’s something you didn’t mention, this scenario doesn’t sound right. Like she expects you to do all the sacrificing and compromising. 

Post # 25
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I would get rid of my spouse before I would ever consider getting rid of my dog.  It wouldn’t even be up for discussion.

Post # 26
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

I really hope you don’t move. If she loved you that much, wouldn’t she consider staying for you? And, furthermore people do long distance all the time….she sounds like a selfish human and frankly I’d pick the dogs over her! 

Post # 27
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

I’m of the opinion that until you are married (or otherwise in a commited partnership where you make decisions fully together), you need to prioritize your own needs. To me that means, don’t do anything that you would regret or resent her for if you broke up. Only move if you would actually be okay with the decision even if the relationship doesn’t work out. For some people, a promising relationship is worth taking that risk – but I think you should go into it with the knowledge that it might not work and plan accordingly. 

FWIW, when I was very young I made up my mind about moving to a new city. I told my highschool sweetheart of my plan. He decided to come with me because he couldn’t stand the thought of not being with me, but I would have moved either way. He hated the new city. I loved it. We stayed together for several years, but eventually I broke up with him. And he always resented the fact that I’d “made him” move — despite the fact that I did not, in fact, make him do anything and it really bugged me that he had moved someplace he didn’t like just because that’s where I wanted to go. Ultimately, it sucked for both of us. And ultimately, he was way more invested in the relationship than I was the whole time. I was just too young to know how to handle that. Looking back, I think me telling him I was moving — rather than trying to come up with a plan of where to move together — was my first attempt to break away from him. 

Post # 28
Member
1372 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I moved for my DH. I didn’t leave as much as you would leave—I didn’t have a great job and didn’t have family nearby. It still was a hard move and it took me awhile to get to where I could stand the place. It was cold, cloudy, and the economy was poor. 

We had an agreement that we would only live there for about 10 years and then we would move somewhere else. That’s what we did. Would she agree to making this move temporary and say that you can someday move back?

Bringing my animals would be mandatory for any move. I would absolutely never get rid of my animals and would definitely get rid of anyone who suggested it. 

Post # 29
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds to me like this woman’s making a really GREAT case for you to break up with her. 

Post # 30
Member
6670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

vince25 :  

No one who truly loves you would demand that you ‘get rid of’ your pets.  And I agree with the PP—how is your gf’s family so invested in whether you have dogs or not?

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