Do you handle issues with your in laws yourself…?

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: Would you stand up against your in laws, or would you send your SO to do so?
    I can handle it myself, thanks. If it's an issue between the two of us, I'll take care of it. : (17 votes)
    15 %
    It isn't my place. SO needs to talk to his/her parents on both of our behalves. : (35 votes)
    32 %
    It varies by the situation. We play it by ear, and talk over our game plan together. : (58 votes)
    52 %
    Um, they're crazy. We just don't talk to them AT ALL.... : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2065 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I feel the same way when it comes to  a “strong” parent. For example my FIL. no way im letting my husband handle that. His dad is hard to talk to. His mom i feel totally comfertable with. But i have to watch what i say because i realized pretty quick that she tells her husband EVERYTHING. pretty much anyways. A far as having to do with my kid. I feel the same as you. I would have no problem telling them whats up. unfortunatly i know when i have kids some of that will come up. My husbands brother has a kid, and i know thats when we will mostly bump heads.

    I dont think its far that you want a small wedding and she wants to invite a ton of people. at least my mother in law asked if it was okay to invite people. My FI wanted to invite like his whole town. i told him we needed to stop some where cuz then i would also have to invite my whole town. if he had to invite all the high school teachers i would too and then we would have 200 people. ;P

    Post # 4
    Member
    4076 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    It really varies by the situation, and by the couple’s parents.

    In my case I do not really view marriage as joining his family…more like we now have common interests. If FH wants to break some bad news, they may be more likely to forgive him… but also he can take a harsher tone, and can communicate differently than I would to explain the issues to them.

    One thing I have learned is that FH’ family has a very different approach to disagreements than mine, and he does understand it best, so often it is better to have him approach them, and me approach my own family.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9412 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @Asia:  I’m too outspoken not to say something. FI knows that I am my own person and I don’t need him to come to my defense or speak on my behalf (though of course he does). If I have something to say, I say it and I always know that he will back me. I have been in quite the arguments with his mother…guess who he chose? I know I’m the priority and I feel free to speak my mind to anyone.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1817 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    If my husband and I together are having an ongoing problem with his mother (his father has passed away), he gets to handle it. At least, he gets to try to handle it first. Then if necessary, we’ll handle it together.

    If I am having my own problem with my MIL that has nothing to do with my husband, then I’ll handle it myself when I’m ready (although I may discuss it with my husband first).

    And vice versa.

    In the situation you’re describing, I would have my husband handle it because he knows how to deal with his mother better than I do (at least, this was the case when we were planning our guestlist). We actually did have a similar situation, albeit not as extreme (just a few people instead of 20). It was much easier for my husband to tell her that she needed to pay for any extra guests she wanted to invite rather than my telling her. And she did pay for them, so they got invited. I don’t think she and I were at that point in our relationship yet. Plus my husband and his mother view and deal with money/ financial issues differently than I and my family.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1917 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    It varies depending on what the situation is and if it’s something that affects both myself and my husband. I totally agree that it’s stupid for only him to deal with his parents, just as it doesn’t make sense for only me to deal with mine.

    Luckily, my parents are pretty easy-going, so my husband feels comfortable pulling them up if they do or say something he’s not comfortable with. Sometimes I might pull them aside privately to address something (e.g. my sister comes to visit a lot and basically takes over the house, which annoys my husband, so I mentioned to her some little things that might help – knocking, letting husband have the TV, not demanding that husband cook her food, etc.).

    When it comes to his family, he will usually be the one to break “bad” news to them – so if we can’t visit when they thought we would, someone has passed away, etc. Mostly because he tends to avoid talking to them at the best of times, so I’ll usually hassle him with “You have to tell your parents we’re not coming/You’ve got to let them know about X,” because at least then he’s spoken to them on the phone.
    His family can also be pretty nosy about finances, career choices, children, home stuff…basically anything we do, so we tackle those things as a team – they might ask husband how much money we got for our wedding gifts and we will both just be really vague “Oh, we haven’t really counted it,” and if they get too pushy, I’m more than happy to say “We figured we weren’t going to tell anyone how much we got,” because husband has a little difficulty being direct with his parents (FIL can be a real pain sometimes).

    Post # 8
    Member
    9949 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I can’t deal with his family because I think they’re all crazy.  So I let him do it.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1817 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Also, when I have children, all bets are off and courtesy goes out the window (when necessary– obviously I will try to be nice first).

    Post # 10
    Member
    9949 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @JenniMichele:  I am not looking forward to that.  I believe in things like…reading to kids…letting them get a little dirty…teaching them table manners…you know, crazy things.  It’s not going to be fun to be judged constantly.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1817 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    @peachacid:  What? Teaching them table manners? For shame!

    Post # 12
    Member
    1996 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    We don’t have these issues. If fmil is talking to me about something & there’s an issue I’d be between us. Although really we have no issues. Same with my family & fi. If it’s something with both of us or dd then we deal with it as a couple.  We try to be a united front. Luckily we rarely have any issues with either of our families, they’re both respectful of us as a couple & family.

    Post # 13
    Member
    7208 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @Asia:  The hypothetical you describe – Where the MIL or FIL says something directly to me – of course I would reply.

    But for most things contentious (both in my life, and on The Bee), it’s a case of having to think about it and get back to the parents to tell them the “bad news”. And yes, in that case it’s the child of the parent, every single time, in my book.

    DH once went against my advice and tried to address something with my mother. It went horribly bad.

    Post # 15
    Member
    7208 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @Asia:  MIL is deceased, in fact I never met her 🙁 However DH’s older sister is sort of the main driver family events. If she or anyone else asks me about anything in the least controversial, the reply is always “I’ll talk to DH and get back to you”. But it really doesn’t happen much. Perhaps one of the good things about not having a MIL? – but believe me, I’d much rather she was alive. Plus by all reports she was a remarkable woman.

    We have kids but none of the 3 surviving parents interferes much, if at all. My mother’s pretty good at giving mothering tips while also deferring to my judgement.

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