Post # 1
I have two older sisters that talk unpleasantly about me behind my back. I think they are jealous? They had very easy lives- one married well and does not work and had college and grad school paid for (by my mum), the other had college paid for and grad school paid for (again, by my mum- by the time it was time for me to go to school she could no longer afford it) and they both always drove my mums cars, had her insurance, etc. I did not have college paid for and bought my first car and lived alone since a teenager and took care of myself- had to do and figure out most everything- myself. Anyway…
Darling Husband and I don’t make as much as they do- and that is what they complain about. I don’t want to let it hurt my feelings- but it kinda just disturbs me that people, my own family especially, would be hard on me about that- or even care about that at all. The honest truth is they disappoint me- and I don’t want to be around people that are judgemental like that. Especially about that. I don’t get it.
I could judge them and talk bad about them about lots of things- but I don’t. Also, they are very hypocritical – they have taken so many handouts from my parents. But yet they only think it is me… (for the record, I do NOT take handouts or ever ask for any finacial help- but I know they have received it-). I just don’t get it. It sucks. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself and need to get over it. I just wish they were different. It does not help that my father reminds me that they do not approve (they, meaning my nasty sisters) of my career choice. I am a working artist.
I mean, one married for money and another one steals regularly and neither of them have happy relationships. Those are my values- a good relationship with my husband and having morals. We are also expecting and I guess these people just bother me so much it makes me question whether I want them around the baby- if they have no respect for me, and nothing I can do will ever change that- they have never treated me with any respect. What’s a girl to do?
Post # 3
@cbee: I would limit my contact with them. I refuse to have anyone in my life that does not mean me well. I do not have ill will towards anyone, life is too short. Feed them with a long handle spoon.
Post # 4
I understand a little bit about what you’re going through. I get judged hard-core by my FI’s family for not having a job, and that my career dream is to be a dog trainer. My Fiance works two jobs and makes about $400 a month and one day his dad came into our room and told me I should just break up with him since he doesn’t make a lot of money, WTF? We’ve been together for 5 and half years and I’d leave him because of money? No. That hurt a lot.
I am sorry you’re going through this, having family judge you hurts a lot and they can easily get under your skin for the stupidest things. You know you’re on the right path for you, stick with it, you and your Fiance have to remain a strong united front against your family and show them that you’re happy, you’re struggling a little more then they are, but you’re happy and that is what matters most.
Post # 5
@JoJoDahling: I love your career dream 🙂 Yeah, it is a lot like that for me. My family values money over happiness and love, and that just isn’t my value system. I certainly married my Darling Husband because I love him. He doesn’t make much, but I love him wholeheartedly and believe in him. Thanks for sharing and for the advice. I know we are happier than they are, and I guess if that is what eats them apart, we’ll just have to let it 🙂
@Soladylike: I agree, excellent advice. I think I will limit my contact with them. Honestly, I see them once a year and that is too much! :/
Post # 6
@cbee: um you are sort of judging them… they got my mum to pay for school and cars and they steal and the one only married for money …..
Post # 7
@HisIrishPrincess: Well, I like the honesty of WB. But honestly, I only want support. I don’t think you understand. I don’t ever say these thoughts to anyone, and they do talk behind my back, bully me, make fun of me. I am trying to say that they should not throw stones when they live in a glass house. I don’t judge them, but I could. If you don’t understand that, I don’t know what to say. I have done nothing but be kind to these people and they always treat me poorly. Time and time again. I always think the best of people and get proved wrong with these girls. They are extremely abrasive and difficult. I don’t harbor or judge when I see them or when I am not with them- I always treat them with kindness and respect. When someone continually calls you X, sometimes you start to notice they are XX.
Post # 8
@cbee: You’re still judging them as hypocritical, nasty, materialistic, lacking morals and being disappointments to you. It doesn’t mean that you’re judging them incorrectly. But you are judging them. 🙂
I think we’re all inclined to form opinions about other people’s choices, even if it’s just “I wouldn’t want that for myself.” The problem is that your sisters are being MEAN and condescending about your choices in a way that your choices don’t warrant. You’re all adults now — if they can’t be nice to you, or at least cordial, then there’s no reason to stay close to them or play nice with them. We don’t get to choose our family, unfortunately, but as we get older, we get to choose how much time we want to spend with them and how much we want to let their opinions matter to us.
Edit: All of this is to say — I don’t think you’re in the wrong here, your sisters are bitches, and it’s OK to come to terms with the fact that yes, given the evidence, it’s safe to conclude that they’re bitches.
Post # 9
@cbee: i got it .. you don’t like being judged ….. no one does. Do you know the intimate details of the relationship they have with your mother? no. and you judge. I was just pointing out that your judging them on surface as .. i guess they judge you.
Post # 10
My extended family judges me because I’m making something of my life, but I’m not close to them, so I say fuck ’em.
Sometimes my dad irritates me because he seems to try to take credit for EVERY SINGLE ACCOMPLISHMENT I’ve ever achieved.
–I’m about to finish my degree?
“Well, who supported you this whole time? You wouldn’t even have a degree without our support.”
I appreciate that, I really do, but I’m the one who studied and put in the effort.
–I won two bowling championships?
“Well, if I didn’t introduce you to bowling when you were a kid you wouldn’t be a bowling champion now with scholarships.”
But you stopped bowling years ago. I’m the one who’s put in the hours and years and tears and injuries to get the championships that lead to my scholarships.
–I just wrote a very successful academic paper:
“You wouldn’t have written that paper the way you did if it weren’t for the way you were raised.”
What the hell dad. I have my own thoughts, I can make my own decisions, and I accomplished many things based on my own work!
So while it’s not the same as your situation, it still massively bothers me.
I love my parents and the support they’ve given me throughout the years…but dammit, give me credit where it’s due, okay?!!
Post # 11
What does it matter to them how much money you do or do not make? It’s not like your family is communist and you’re bringing down the family average…
Post # 12
@HisIrishPrincess: I am sorry you are confused, perhaps I should have titled my post: “Do you have family members that treat you badly over something you do not think should matter?” That, in this case, is what I am talking about- in this case- that is how I am defining the word “judge.” And that is not something I do to them. Further, I do not judge them (in this sentence defined as think ill of them) for having school paid for, but yes, I do have plenty of my own judgements- (here being defined as what I think is right or wrong) about the things they do. But I do not treat them poorly over them, and that is what I am really talking about. I mentioned them having an easy time financially provided by my mother in order to paint the picture that they think lowly (aka judge) of people that have economic difficutly (yes, they judge them as in treat them badly and look down on them) without realizing that they themselves have not had to face the same financial reality others have. I may judge their values (it is natural and good to make judgements, or how would you protect yourself, make good decisions, etc.), but I don’t treat them badly based on those judgements. And that is what I am talking about. I don’t treat people badly based on what I think of what they do- and I certainly do not treat badly or nicely based upon their income. Bottom line, I think it sucks to have people treat you badly over things that shouldn’t matter, and I don’t want anyone in my life that disrespects me over what is really private between me and my husband!
Post # 13
@Torrid: Daddy’s proud of you, is all! 🙂
Post # 13
Torrid: I’m in a similar situation with my Brother-In-Law. Right now I’m halfway through my bachelors degree for Computer Science and he’s made remarks like “Without us (him and my older sister), you would be struggling in school financially.” Or if I make the Deans List or recieve any academic merit award he’ll comment “This wouldn’t have happened without us. Be thankful for the way you were raised.” I seriously appreciate all that my family has done for me, but as you’ve said give me credit where it is due!
Post # 14
OP, sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately our families are often the ones that hurt us the most, which really isn’t fair. I would confront your sisters and tell them how that makes you feel and if they don’t reconsider their behaviour you’re afraid you cannot be that close to them anymore. If they keep behaving like that, I would limit the contact to a minimum. Being related doesn’t mean you HAVE to have these toxic people in your life.
Btw, I think it’s quite common to be judged by family members. I married a foreigner and we live in his country and til this day I’m getting judged by my uncle and my grandmother. Both of them keep saying I’m crazy to not live in their country (they think our country is the world’s best country to live, they’re pretty close-minded) and that I’m making bad decisions. After I started dating my now-husband, my grandmother even kept saying in front of me to my parents ‘Don’t worry, she’s moving back here soon, it won’t last’- Can you believe that? Some people are just incredible.
Edit: Oops, just saw the thread is three years old and someone pushed it up again.