(Closed) do you have to explain to someone why you didnt ask them to be a BM?

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: should i talk to my friend about why i didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid?
    YES - girls are sensitive and she'll feel better if she knows what the story is : (5 votes)
    14 %
    NO - let sleeping dogs lie. if you don't think she's upset, she probably isn't. : (32 votes)
    86 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1573 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I voted no, don’t tell her.  It seems from your post that you two aren’t that close.  You said yourself that you don’t think she’ll be insulted.  Unless she is the drama kind or the overly sensitive kind of girl, you probably don’t need to tell her. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1104 posts
    Bumble bee

    Because her wedding was a while ago, and you don’t think she’d be upset, I’m not sure you need to say anything to her. I’ll tell you my story though 🙂 A year before I got engaged, a friend of mine did. We have been friends since high school but haven’t lived in the same city for 10 years. We’ve kept in touch via email mostly, and when she visits her parents (who live in my city) we almost always get together. We have visited her in her new city a few times too. She asked me to be bridesmaid, I was a bit surprised but very honoured. With the distance between us, I can’t be involved in much but we did spend a day looking for dresses together when she visited. When I got engaged I put a lot of thought into choosing my BMs, I have 2 sisters and wanted to have them and then wanted 2 more people (we were going for symmetry). My cousin, who is my age and one of my best friends, was an obvious choice for me, and then I had a final spot. At first I just assumed I would ask this friend. But after mulling over it a few days, I realised she wasn’t an obvious choice and there was one person in particular I felt closer to. So I asked him instead, and he was over the moon about it, and I felt really good about asking him. The next time I saw my friend (dress shopping day) I really felt I had to say something since I was sure she would be wondering. So I rambled on about how I couldn’t have her as BM because I just couldn’t have everyone I wanted, but would she be a reader in our ceremony. She said yes and it was a bit awkward for a little while but we got over it and had a nice day. I wasn’t invited to her bachelorette and I am disappointed about that, as well as what I feel is a lack of communication on her part since her wedding, and FH thinks maybe it is because I didn’t ask her to be BM. But I feel like since I have sisters and a cousin, I just don’t have as many spots available for BMs as she did (with no sisters). I also hoped that being a reader would have helped make up for it (not the same I know, but it is still a special thing to do). Of course, now that those things have happened, I’m glad I didn’t ask her 🙂 Anyway, that was a long story, sorry!!! I think you are safe to not say anything at this point, if you get the feeling she is upset (and most people find a way to show you!) you could say something then.

    Post # 5
    Member
    407 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I vote no. If she brings it up, then give her an explanation, but there’s no reason to throw it in her face that she wasn’t chosen.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1490 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I had a couple people who were angling to be bridesmaids (frankly, a bit shocking given their general lack of enthusiasm for weddings). We simply never mentioned it. I causally dropped that I had asked my best guy friend to be MOH and given that he’s just a superior choice, there was no argument.

    Post # 7
    Member
    521 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I don’t think you should bring it up..if they need one; than kindly explain. But, than again, they might be hurt no matter what you say so it’s better than starting any argument with it.

    Post # 9
    Member
    357 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I would also say no…she probably doesn’t really expect it, because it sounds like you aren’t as close as you used to be.  I had two friends who I stood up for several years back, and although we’re still friends, neither of them have ever mentioned anything about me not asking them to stand up for me. 

    I would leave it alone unless she asks.  Don’t stress about it. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1205 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    In this case, and it sounds like you’ve already decided, I say no, she probably doesn’t care or at least understands that you’re no longer that close.

    There are times, though, where it helps. Use your judgment or post the details.

    Post # 11
    Member
    25 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I would address it if she brings it up. I had drama with a friend who was not even supporting my wedding and got upset she was not in the bridal party. She wound up not even coming to the wedding. Showed alot about her and in the end we aren’t even friends. I explained to her that my best friend and family are expecting to be bridesmaids and I thought she would understand. She thought I would just elope and was surprised I was having a ceremony.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2342 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    yeah I say NO…you don’t owe anyone an explanation.  He wedding was a while ago and you shouldn’t even feel obligated to ask her!  i say keep the bridal party to a minimum anyway…less drama!

    Post # 13
    Member
    2208 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    I voted before I read the whole question.  DONT TELL HER.  I had to explain to someone, but it was because she asked me why she wasnt one.  You could always make a passing comment about how you’ve known all your BMs since x amount of years…Id just let it be

    Post # 14
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I voted no. It is your wedding. It holds true with not having to invite someone to your wedding just because they invited you to their wedding 10 years ago.

    You choose who you want to.

    Post # 15
    Member
    3332 posts
    Sugar bee

    In this case, I would only discuss it with her if she brought it up with you.  Sometimes it’s easier just to let things go.  If you don’t think her feelings will be hurt, then it might make a bigger deal out of things to bring it up.  FWIW, I was a MOH for a college friend and not only was she not a BM at our wedding, she wasn’t invited.  We haven’t had a falling out or anything, we just lost touch.

    Post # 16
    Member
    73 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    I’m in a similar situtaion.  There were 4 of us that were pretty good friends in college and have stayed friends (see each other like 1x/year, talk on the phone every so often, etc).  Two of them have gotten married in the last 18 months (one of the weddings was at the beginning of this summer) and I was a bridesmaid in both of these weddings.  I’m pretty sure they expect to be in mine, but I have lots of cousins who I always thoughw would be my bridesmaids, and so I asked them, my sister and my best friend from high school and my best friend right now.  But the one friend that got married this summer has offered a few times to plan my bachelorette weekend (she’s the fun one of the crew :)).  I don’t know if this means that she thinks she would be a bridesmaid – or if she’s asking because she likes to plan parties and stuff.  And they all so excited and always ask about the wedding (as good friends would, of course!)

    I was contemplating calling them and explaining the whole bridesmaid thing, but I guess what I’m hearing from everyone is to not say anything unless asked.  Sounds good to me!   Thanks! (even though the advice wasn’t for me :))

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