Post # 1
i have this friend for whom i was a bridesmaid three years ago. we are friends from college and are close but not “besties” by any stretch. i have a feeling she is sort of half expecting to be asked to be a BM. i dont think she would be insulted or hurt by me not asking, and ive decided im not going to ask her. (no drama, just decided not to).
my question is – do you think i should talk with her about it or not say anything at all?
it’s not a big deal, but i don’t want her to feel bad or left out or anything, which she might not even feel, but you never know… oh and here’s the other thing – FH has six GMs and i have 5 BMs, so even if she’s not upset now, if she comes to the wedding and sees one open spot, she might be hurt THEN.
i know that just bc you are in someones wedding you arent obligated to ask them to be in yours, but i just feel weird about this…
Post # 3
I voted no, don’t tell her. It seems from your post that you two aren’t that close. You said yourself that you don’t think she’ll be insulted. Unless she is the drama kind or the overly sensitive kind of girl, you probably don’t need to tell her.
Post # 4
Because her wedding was a while ago, and you don’t think she’d be upset, I’m not sure you need to say anything to her. I’ll tell you my story though 🙂 A year before I got engaged, a friend of mine did. We have been friends since high school but haven’t lived in the same city for 10 years. We’ve kept in touch via email mostly, and when she visits her parents (who live in my city) we almost always get together. We have visited her in her new city a few times too. She asked me to be bridesmaid, I was a bit surprised but very honoured. With the distance between us, I can’t be involved in much but we did spend a day looking for dresses together when she visited. When I got engaged I put a lot of thought into choosing my BMs, I have 2 sisters and wanted to have them and then wanted 2 more people (we were going for symmetry). My cousin, who is my age and one of my best friends, was an obvious choice for me, and then I had a final spot. At first I just assumed I would ask this friend. But after mulling over it a few days, I realised she wasn’t an obvious choice and there was one person in particular I felt closer to. So I asked him instead, and he was over the moon about it, and I felt really good about asking him. The next time I saw my friend (dress shopping day) I really felt I had to say something since I was sure she would be wondering. So I rambled on about how I couldn’t have her as BM because I just couldn’t have everyone I wanted, but would she be a reader in our ceremony. She said yes and it was a bit awkward for a little while but we got over it and had a nice day. I wasn’t invited to her bachelorette and I am disappointed about that, as well as what I feel is a lack of communication on her part since her wedding, and FH thinks maybe it is because I didn’t ask her to be BM. But I feel like since I have sisters and a cousin, I just don’t have as many spots available for BMs as she did (with no sisters). I also hoped that being a reader would have helped make up for it (not the same I know, but it is still a special thing to do). Of course, now that those things have happened, I’m glad I didn’t ask her 🙂 Anyway, that was a long story, sorry!!! I think you are safe to not say anything at this point, if you get the feeling she is upset (and most people find a way to show you!) you could say something then.
Post # 5
I vote no. If she brings it up, then give her an explanation, but there’s no reason to throw it in her face that she wasn’t chosen.
Post # 6
I had a couple people who were angling to be bridesmaids (frankly, a bit shocking given their general lack of enthusiasm for weddings). We simply never mentioned it. I causally dropped that I had asked my best guy friend to be MOH and given that he’s just a superior choice, there was no argument.
Post # 7
I don’t think you should bring it up..if they need one; than kindly explain. But, than again, they might be hurt no matter what you say so it’s better than starting any argument with it.
Post # 8
thanks bees! im not even going to mention it. near unanimous decision!
Post # 9
I would also say no…she probably doesn’t really expect it, because it sounds like you aren’t as close as you used to be. I had two friends who I stood up for several years back, and although we’re still friends, neither of them have ever mentioned anything about me not asking them to stand up for me.
I would leave it alone unless she asks. Don’t stress about it.
Post # 10
In this case, and it sounds like you’ve already decided, I say no, she probably doesn’t care or at least understands that you’re no longer that close.
There are times, though, where it helps. Use your judgment or post the details.
Post # 11
I would address it if she brings it up. I had drama with a friend who was not even supporting my wedding and got upset she was not in the bridal party. She wound up not even coming to the wedding. Showed alot about her and in the end we aren’t even friends. I explained to her that my best friend and family are expecting to be bridesmaids and I thought she would understand. She thought I would just elope and was surprised I was having a ceremony.
Post # 12
yeah I say NO…you don’t owe anyone an explanation. He wedding was a while ago and you shouldn’t even feel obligated to ask her! i say keep the bridal party to a minimum anyway…less drama!
Post # 13
I voted before I read the whole question. DONT TELL HER. I had to explain to someone, but it was because she asked me why she wasnt one. You could always make a passing comment about how you’ve known all your BMs since x amount of years…Id just let it be
Post # 14
I voted no. It is your wedding. It holds true with not having to invite someone to your wedding just because they invited you to their wedding 10 years ago.
You choose who you want to.
Post # 15
In this case, I would only discuss it with her if she brought it up with you. Sometimes it’s easier just to let things go. If you don’t think her feelings will be hurt, then it might make a bigger deal out of things to bring it up. FWIW, I was a MOH for a college friend and not only was she not a BM at our wedding, she wasn’t invited. We haven’t had a falling out or anything, we just lost touch.
Post # 16
I’m in a similar situtaion. There were 4 of us that were pretty good friends in college and have stayed friends (see each other like 1x/year, talk on the phone every so often, etc). Two of them have gotten married in the last 18 months (one of the weddings was at the beginning of this summer) and I was a bridesmaid in both of these weddings. I’m pretty sure they expect to be in mine, but I have lots of cousins who I always thoughw would be my bridesmaids, and so I asked them, my sister and my best friend from high school and my best friend right now. But the one friend that got married this summer has offered a few times to plan my bachelorette weekend (she’s the fun one of the crew :)). I don’t know if this means that she thinks she would be a bridesmaid – or if she’s asking because she likes to plan parties and stuff. And they all so excited and always ask about the wedding (as good friends would, of course!)
I was contemplating calling them and explaining the whole bridesmaid thing, but I guess what I’m hearing from everyone is to not say anything unless asked. Sounds good to me! Thanks! (even though the advice wasn’t for me :))