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I keep things from the relationships that ended well, that I have warm feelings about now. I do not keep things from things that ended poorly. That is the big difference, IMO.
I personally don't think it is disrespectful at all. I have a small box just like that, that I keep a few things in. I kept it for the same reason, I would think my daughter would one day like to see it. My mom had the same little box she showed me the first time my heart was broken by a boy. She wanted me to see that even though she was hurt, she met my dad, and look how happy they were.
Well, I don't have much experience in this, 'cause I only had one real boyfriend before my fiance...but I kept EVERYTHING from our relationship for a very long time. Not really for any specific reason, I just like to keep things. I didn't ever look at it or anything, but I did have it. And I don't think FI knew about it.
When I moved out of my parents house to go to college, I ended up throwing it all away. It didn't really mean anything to me anymore, so I didn't save it. Sometimes I think it would be fun to go back and look at it, just for fun, but I'm okay with not having it anymore.
I dont keep things from past relationships, but mostly because all of my past relationships ended badly lol. I just dont see the point in keep stuff, I guess Im not that sentimental. I have the memories in my head, so I dont need things to remind me of a relationship I once was in.
I dont think its disrespectful though, thats just how I personally handle past relationships.
Ohh! I forgot to mention:
I found a whole filebox of stuff from past relationships that my BF had and I kinda looked through it all (I know, Im terrible lol)
Some of it kinda made me laugh and some of it I was like...Ugh I dont wanna see this, but I ended up telling my BF that I found it and he had forgotten he had the box and threw it all away. It made me feel really good that he was literally "throwing away" his past because he has me now :)
I'm glad I made the popular decision. :) Makes me feel more confident that I did the right thing.
This was a bone of contention when I moved in with my dh. He absolutely does not believe in keeping anything from past relationships, and I kept EVERYTHING. After a few disagreements I realized that nothing was worth losing him over- especially old bf's. So, it all went in the trash! And, I deleted a bunch of old bf's from my friends on facebook too- just didnt seem appropriate anymore.
I had the same kind of relationship with my EX. A lot of history to throw away. I've been weedling it all out of my life for the last 4 years. DH has been SO patient with me and just ignores stuff when he sees it. Some of it I don't even realize I have until he asks about it. ("What's up with the photo album of you and Doofus?" "What photo album??") But my DH is very understanding since he has a lot of history too. We just ignore it because in the end the items we keep don't mean we want to be with that person, they are just fond memories of a part of our lives. And I do make sure to only keep the fond memories! Hopefully I can throw more things away with time, but I'm just not wired that way.
@arancia- ah... facebook lol. I have only had two serious boyfriends. The first I am facebook friends with because we broke up a gazillian years ago (dated for 1 year in hs) and we are friendly now. FI has no issue with that at all. the most recent ex I de-friended right after we broke up and just never spoke to after that really. He did try to friend me about a year ago but I knew it would bother FI to be facebook friends with him because he was such a huge part of my life RIGHT before FI and I were together. So, I just sent him a message back and told him I hoped he was doing really well and was happy and that I was doing great but that my current (then)bf would probably not like me to be facebook friends so I was going to have to say no. I guess I could have just ignored him but that seemed hostile. :)
We both have photos from previous relationships, but I don't think either of us is sentimental enough to hold on any old cards, letters, trinkets, etc. I've let all that stuff go a long time ago and not for any other reason then I just don't want or need it anymore. With that said, if one of us decided to keep something that was a gift from a previous relationship I don't think either of us would really care. When I met FI he had a stack of pictures in the glove compartment of his Jeep (which was only a few months old, and these girls were old news by then, I think they wound up there during a move or something) and there are photos of 2 different ex's in the pile. To this day, the stack is still in the glove compartment of the Jeep and I drive it most of the time. I have pushed them out of the way to get to the registration or other things I've stashed in there and don't even think twice about them being in there. Stuff like that just doesn't bother us.
I still have a few cutesy notes from middle and grade school, and a ring from that same period that I just stuck on my keyring and forgot to take off. It really depends on what bothers your SO, but if you just like the sentimental value, keep them. I keep certain things (like a post-it note with nothing even written on it!) just because it reminds me of something.
All that I have from past relationships are a few photos since none of them lasted long enough for mass amounts of photo albums, letters, or jewelry to accumulate . However, (kind of) luckily for me my mother broke up with a long-term bf a couple of years ago and since then has started dating a new man, so I inherited some awesome jewelry that was from the ex (obviously I don't believe in bad luck being transferred or any of that garbage!)
Yeah...my last serious relationship was really, really important to me. I don't talk about exes with my FI, (never have in any relationship I'm in, unless its about a jerk and we can laugh, hahaha), and I have some jewelry from that love. I cannot part with it. I've tried, and I used to feel very conflicted/worried that NOT giving it away would mean I was still in love with the guy, but after deep reflection, I know its just because he was my first grown-up love, and there's no shame in wanting to keep a piece of that. We both have moved on, and I think my FI would NOT be down if we still were friends, and we're NOT, so I don't see the harm in having those keepsakes.
I don't have much stuff from other relationships, because I didn't have any long-term or really serious relationships before this one! I would not be comfortable with FI keeping stuff from his old GFs. I asked him to get rid of old photo albums. I think he took them to his mom's house, which is fine. So long as they are far away, I don't care. I can understand keeping them for a future daughter...but I would still feel weird! I would have to think carefully about what to keep...
I think you did the right thing. I think... sometimes it's hard to let go of things, but think about if your FI kept a box of stuff he was unwilling to throw away! I know that would hurt me so I say away with things! Since you are starting a new life with the FI :]
Oh! And yeah, no photos. That's something I would be really hurt by, and he would too, so I know we both are on the same page bout keeping photos of exes. No way, jose.
I have a few letters from my first serious boyfriend that extend through my first couple of years of college. I haven't looked at them in years, and I even asked my husband how he feels about my keeping them. He doesn't mind, and is even friends with this guy, so in the drawer they stay! I do have a necklace from a relationship that ended badly, and I keep toying with the idea of getting rid of it, but I might just have the stone remounted instead.
You know, my mom kept a box of stuff--old photos, cards, etc, and a couple years ago we were cleaning and she showed me the stuff.
I thought it was so cool to see my mom pre-dad stage. She told me all about the guys she dated before she met him (at 21) and how one dude proposed and we laughed over his goofy hair and shorts and stuff.
it's kinda fun to reminisce. =]
I donj't really have a box of stuff necessarily...but I know i have some memories floating around....a jacket i was given or prom photos or stuff like that.
Oh and those diamonds earrings from an ex I still wear everyday? um, yeah. lol. Not sentimentla and they're tiny but hell they're diamonds! =]
The only things I kept from my past relationship were DVDs, CDs, a stuffed animal of two, and one pair of earrings. The other jewelry that I don't wear is going to be pawned off once I can find it. I may keep a few photos, but only of school dances. And I won't have a problem showing my daughter, should I have one, the photo of the ex and me at the prom in the yearbook. My husband and I didn't meet until college, so it would be understandable.
I honestly don't know what exactly I have left anymore. Some old t-shirts I'll probably get rid of, specifically since they say things like 'Airforce Girlfriend' and that part of my life is over now. I left all of it back at my parents' house and I'll more than likely be throwing things away when I return for a visit this weekend.
I threw things like letters and cards away and deleted all emails. A lot of things I received as gifts were donated. I traveled a lot with one ex, and have a scrapbook of those trips. I took out some pics where just he was in them, but I figure it's my past, and its currently sitting in the storage unit. My FI has no problem with it. I pawned some of the jewelry- even the stuff with diamonds- but kept one necklace. I'm not a big keeper of stuff, so that was probably a big factor in my willingness to purge.
I dated my previous boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, and I still threw all that stuff away, including a ring. It's good to cleanse. :)
I was in my previous relationship for almost 3 years...When we broke up I threw everything away...I pawned all of the jelwelry he had ever given me and went shopping...every person deals with past relationship stuff differently..My previous relationship was horrible and abusive...so when I was done with him..I was done with all of him...
I feel bad throwing away/destroying photos for some reason so I don't... but I also don't get insanely jealous when I see photos of his exes. We both are older and have had past girlfriends/boyfriends so we just accept that and realize how lucky we are.
Of course, we're also not always looking at photos/things from exes or pining over the past either. For the most part, I don't have much left over and neither does he.
I got rid of all my photos except for one and that's only cause I look really hot and skinny in it and it was taken on the Seine across from the Notre Dame cathedral so it's really just an awesome picture. As for any sort of things we acquired or he bought for me when we were together, I consider that stuff mine and not "ours" so I don't even think twice about it.
FI and I both have shoebox-sized memory boxes from previous relationships. They contain letters, photos, ticket stubs, wine corks...all the same things we kept from our "courting" phase. The old boxes are all together in our closet, and the one from our relationship is out on a shelf to be added to as we do more things. We just moved in together and while unpacking, I popped open a few of my old ones to reminisce. FI and I both laughed at the melodramatic love letters from my college boyfriend (my fav line: "we must lift the log from our path to eternal love") and all the lovey-dovey prom photos of me and my high school boyfriend (who's now married to my best friend and whose wedding I was MOH at this past summer). We laugh at the IOU I got for v-day from one of my exes, and the monogrammed towels he got from one of his (we still use the towels for our dogs)
I still have all the jewelry I've received (except for a few pieces I've lost somewhere along the way). The boy I dated right before my fiance got me a stunning pair of 1ct diamond studs for a birthday, and I absolutely still wear them; I also have a tennis bracelet from an ex I was considered trading in to be put towards my wedding band - FI doesn't care at all.
My mom has a huge old suitcase filled with memorabilia from high school and her early 20s before she married my dad, and I remember who much I LOVED looking through it all when I was growing up. I think my kids would get a kick out of seeing some of the old stuff evetually, and FI & I get a kick out of all our "trial & error" experiences leading us to each other.
I felt guilty a couple of years back when I came across my shoebox of my ex boyfriend. I spoke to SO and he said that I should keep it as long as I wanted to. So I did just that. I kept it, and then one day, I took the tatty teddy that said 'girlfriend' on the hat and a mug with a spinning bomb on it that had 'sex bomb' written on (never used..)to a charity shop, for someone else to love.
I got rid of the cards (none of which were particularly romantic). All that remains now is a picture of us both at a Ball from our first year at university (plus other pictures from uni too). I have very little sentiment because that time has long since passed. It was a sort of messy break up, but we ended up friends, and now we happen to be friends who have drifted further apart.
I still have jewellery from this ex (a bracelet with a heart half way), and a pendant from another ex. Both are lovely pieces, but I don't want to wear them. I'm thinking of passing them down if I have a daughter one day.
BF doesn't have anything from ex-girlfriends that carry sentimental value. I'd imagine anything he does have is because he likes it.
I think that you totally did the right thing! I just try to keep in mind how I would feel if my FI had the same things and judge what to keep or not based on that. :)
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Beekeeper
Well... FI and I are moving in together in a week... into the house we just bought and close on Wednesday.. squee!! As I was just working on packing up my office I hit an unexpected roadblock. Quick recap:
I had a HS sweetheart who followed me to college, and I basically dated for 5 years through hs, undergrad, and into law school. Clearly, this guy was a big part of my life. We broke up because he was reenlisting in the military and I wasn't down to be a military wife (very simplistic account of what happened... but thats the bare-bones). There weren't really hard feelings or anything, he's a great guy. Just not the guy for me. The week after we broke up I went through all the many many things that he'd given me/were ours jointly and gave back or threw out everything except photos, letters, and a few momentos. I put them all in a shoe box, taped up all four sides and threw it in a closet.
Enter FI. We meet, fall in love, get engaged, and now we're moving in together! As I pack up my home to move to OUR house I found the box (which I had totally forgotten existed) and I'm so torn! Part of me feels like I wanted to keep the box because it is a huge part of my history... and even though it didn't work out that relationship prepared me for this one. I feel like if I have kids some day they might think its neat to see things from that stage of my life, including the guy I almost married and the letters he wrote me from boot camp, etc.
But... I feel like its totally disrespectful to keep that in the house FI and I live in together! I ended up going through the box and taking out only a handful of pictures that were more about events than us (like, our prom pictures, graduation pictures, etc), and tossing everything else. I think I did the right thing because it would really bother my FI if he ever came across the box.
What have you girls done in these situations? Do you keep things from past relationships? Or toss it all?