Do you know someone who you feel is in the wrong relationship? Ugh…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2372 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

Yup.  I can’t give out details because I’m not exactly super private on this site, but they had a bit of a whirlwind romance, so to speak, which is fine in and of itself, however… maybe had they gotten to know each other better they would be able to see the telltale differences that are going to make this relationship either very difficult, or fail 🙁  Its just like you mentioned, its not the kind of differences that make “opposites attract” it’s more like inherent personality differences that are more incompatable unless one or the other changes. And as many of us know, you can’t just go into a marriage hoping or expecting someone is going to change!

I hope it works out, but…

The thing is, you have already tried to gently tell her.  The only thing you can do is be honest (in a gentle way!) if she asks you for advice/your thoughts.  She’s an adult, and sometimes, people are just going to do what they are going to regardless of the input!  That’s the way the relationship I know is.  There wasn’t any stopping it so the best we can do is support them, wish the best for them, and be there for them whether it works out or not.

Post # 4
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m going through a situation kind of like this with my SIL.  Her FI is on probation for an offense and he recently broke probation and was sentenced to “go away”.  The night he went away I went over and talked to her about it, and kind of like your friend she agreed that he wasn’t being responsible, etc.  When I asked her if she was going to postpone the wedding, however, she got very defensive and told me no, why would she do that?  Said she was going to stick by him bc she loves him.  Sigh.  So now they are due to get married this year. 

All you can do now is sit back and watch.  If she comes to you again, I would tell her how you feel.  That you have given her advice and she does what she wants to anyway.  I told SIL not to come to me anymore with relationship issues bc she’s enabling his behavior and stays with him anyways.  Good luck, OP.

Post # 6
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@ChicoryCreek:  Yes. One of FI’s brothers. He and his GF are constantly bickering and arguing about stupid stuff. He makes off-hand comments about her weight (they are both overweight, possibly obese) which pisses us off, but she makes comments just as uncalled for as well. She also makes a big deal over really stupid things and he doesn’t know when to stop pushing her to do something (like come in the pool), which also leads to fighting. They get into a couple gigantic screaming fights at least twice a year (and its an absolute guarantee that they will have on around Christmas time).

Its completely ridiculous. The worst part is that they do this stuff in front of other people. Their screaming fights almost always happen at FIL’s house and I can’t even start to explain how awkward and horrible it is to have to listen to it (yeah, they are that loud). Its even worse when FIL’s get involved because then he just starts yelling at them.

For the record, we don’t like his GF. FBIL isn’t perfect by any means, but he was much more motivated about his health before she came into the picture. And he was less likely to get into huge blow up fights with his parents and family.

Post # 7
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Yes!  I have a friend who has been with her BF for almost a decade.  He won’t propose to her, yet he spends loads of money on other things regularly.  She paid most of their rent and bills for years when they first moved in together (I think she still does) though he makes over double what she makes.  They fight anytime we see them together (and when either of them have been drinking I’ve seen it escalate to physical fighting).  When I’ve been out with her alone and she’s had a few drinks, she complains that she’s so unhappy and hates being with him, but it’s “too late” and she’s “stuck”.  I’ve seen her make out with other guys at bars too, usually after said complaining.

He’s not invited to our wedding, and she is.  She’s still coming.  She gets it.  She just doesn’t have enough confidence to leave him.

Post # 8
Member
2372 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

@ChicoryCreek:  yuuuppp!!!

I know two other couples, not necessarily close with me so I would never be the one asked for advice or anything, but they are also bad for each other.  And in both these cases, either because I know friends of theirs or family, I know that the friends and families of these couples have ALL said they don’t like the gf (in both cases its the girls who are…. well… unpleasant???).  They hear it, they take it in, but they still are with these girls in long term relationships.  I mean, the one guy, when they broke up, his WHOLE family and ALL of his friends were like “yes! Be done with her forever!” and EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON. told him he was making a huge mistake when they got back together.  They just don’t and won’t listen :/

Post # 9
Member
2150 posts
Buzzing bee

@ChicoryCreek:  My MOH is engaged and I’m afraid it won’t work out for them in the long run.

FI was friends with my MOH’s FI before she and I became friends. We hit it off and became really good friends these last couple of years!

Anyway, MOH and her FI argue a lot. I mean, a LOT! Her FI is always sleeping on the couch because she gets so mad at him. They’re both at fault for the arguments a lot of times, but her FI is just mean to her sometimes too. He talks down to her a lot and tries to make her feel stupid, even in front of other people, like me and my FI.

We stayed with them over Christmas because we live out of town and I couldn’t wait to leave their place! 

The one night we all went out to the bar and MOH’s fiance got pretty drunk. He had to work the next morning and woke up late. Apparently MOH called her FI at work to make sure he was okay and he got PISSED. When he got home from work he made a big stink about it when she brought up why he didn’t answer- “Well, why wouldn’t I be okay?” he said. I turned around and said to him “What is so wrong with your FI caring about you and wanting to make sure you were okay and not puking your guts out at work? She cares about you, get over it”.

Stuff like that happens all.the.time. 

He proposed to her a month after FI and I got engaged. They have been dating longer than us and I think he felt pressured to propose to her. He only went and even looked at rings after we got engaged and proposed a week after that. 

They both want two different kinds of weddings- he wants to invite 400 people, she wants small and intimate. The wedding planning has been causing them to argue even more. 

FI and I watched the movie “The Break Up” with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn over the weekend. That movie was made about them- I’m convinced.

I just don’t think they’re right for each other. But I’m afraid to say something as its not really my place. I think my MOH might know this, but feels stuck because this is the best relationship she’s been in and doesnt’ think she could find anyone better. 

Post # 12
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

Yup.  BF’s best friend has an awful girlfriend.  They have fights all the time, she’s super immature… she’ll run away and not answer her phone when they argue and is always talking about how she has a “backup” if he wants to break up with her.  She’s also vegetarian and faux hippie and talks smack when we have hot dogs or bugers (at our own place!! and we even make sure to have veggies and stuff for her to eat) and got us a recycling bin for Christmas… talk about pushing your beliefs on other folks.  She’s also been known to throw heavy objects at him and hit him when she’s upset.  They often start fighting if she comes over to our place and she’ll start crying and then my BF and I just sit there awkardly not knowing what to say.  They check each other’s phones in front of us and bicker about texts and messages and who they were sent to.  It’s my BF’s best friend’s fault though.. he’s the one who’s still with her even though every single person he knows hates her and tells him he can do better.

Honestly, it’s none of our business what these people decide to do.  They know full well the situation they’re in and they’re the ones who choose to stay in it for whatever reasons.  When he asks my BF and I what we think about her/his situation we are honest, but we never offer advice or opinions unless it’s asked for.

Post # 13
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@ChicoryCreek:  I am afraid of this happening.  I asked her, why not wait to get married until he’s at least done with probation?  You love him now, you’ll love him in 18 months.  But no.  So if he violates again he goes away for 3 years!!  Sad thing is she has children (not by him) who will have to suffer if this happens. 

Post # 14
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Yup. My friend dated the guy, moved half way across the country for the guy, eventually got married to the guy, and now she’s pregnant…. 

In the beginning we always tried to talk to her, because there was so much drama, even some hints of abuse, but she wouldn’t listen to me (but yet cried to/complained to me constantly). After a while I gave up… I’d still be her friend & be there for her but I was too exhausted to keep trying to get her to see the light. If she knows all the facts and consequences and still wants to be in the relationship, there was only so much I can do.

BUUUT, he seems to have changed a lot when I was at their wedding. So who knows, maybe things do end up working out.

 

Post # 15
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

My best friend recently married someone I think is TERRIBLE…he’s cheated on her, given her an STD, publicly yelled at her, lied to her, disrespected her in just so many different ways. They even moved out of state together (with her daughter) and he LEFT her there. She had to move back alone, and then took him back. Trust me, you cannot talk someone out of a relationship if they don’t want to listen. They will make their own mistakes. 

Now, I just hope for the best for her, and spend time with him when I have to. 

Post # 16
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I zip my lip so often about people like this.  I have two friends that got married, and they are so great apart, but so awful to eachother.  She is co-dependent in a huge way and always wants him right at her side and doing things for her.  He is very independent and likes is guys nights and going out.  She hates all of his activities and all of his friends, so won’t go out with him.   She is a spender, while he tries to tuck money away, which isn’t working because of her spending.  She impulus buyes on credit and he has to bail her out.  When he tried to put her on an allowance that would allow them to save for a house, she cried until he caved.  Their relationship is so toxic that even though I was friends with them independent of each other before they were together, now that they are together I have been slowly cutting them out of my life.

Another friend had a boyfriend that I also zipped up about, but they broke up.  I told her how relieved I was after it ended, and she thanked me for not saying anything.   We both have a stuborn streak a mile long, and if anyone questions us, it makes us more stuborn. 

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