Post # 1
When I got pregnant, of course the unwanted baby advice started. One of the things I heard over and over is that, when the baby came, my husband would take a back seat to the baby. People kept saying things like, “You’ll always love your children more than your husband.” Is this true for you and your relationship?
My husband and I were talking about this last night: For me, I don’t feel like I love Addie more than my husband, just differently. I feel responsible for Addie in a way I don’t feel for my husband. With him, we’re partners, teammates working through every challenge together; with Addie, I feel personally responsible for her every experience and every mood. When she’s happy, upset, overwhelmed, etc… I feel like I exposed her to that feeling or situation.
Although it’s not true for me, I think I understand how you could love your child more than your partner. After all, your baby is literally a part of you, and that creates a really powerful kind of love. What about you, bees? Do you differentiate between the love you have for your partner and the love you have for your baby? Do you love one more than the other?
Post # 3
You explained it perfectly. Thats exactly how i feel with my child and FI.
Post # 4
I think it’s like apples and oranges. You can’t really compare, IMO. My children I love fiercely, unconditionally, and as you mentioned, with that desire to protect and provide. Being in a relationship with a partner has compromise, conditions, attraction and fulfills you in an entirely different way.
If I had to (God forbid) choose between my children and my lover (husband, partner, whatevs), obviously my children would come first. I think that’s the sentiment people mean when they say that you love your children more.
Post # 5
I don’t have a baby so I can’t speak to that. But I certainly hope not.
But I don’t think its true about my mother, she loves both children and spouse fiercly.
And I love both parents/family and my FI strongly and differently.
It drives me crazy that it seems so accepted that you’re supposed to “put your Husband above your family” I don’t feel like I need to put anyone above anyone else! I’m perfectly happy loving everyone. Since he’s the one I’m actually sharing my life with on a daily basis his opinion is more imortant on a lot of matters but it’s not about loving someone more/less.
There’s something very special and different about the bond one has to one’s mother.
There’s something very special and different from anything else about a romantic love.
I very strongly suspect there’s something incredibly special and different about a love for a child.
And children need us more so perhapse they call for more sacrifice.
Post # 6
If my house was on fire and I could only save my husband or my baby, I’d save my baby.
Not sure what the means, but it’s interesting.
Post # 7
I don’t have children yet but I do understand the sentiment. I have already told my husband if I was ever in a position where I had to choose between him and our child, the child would always win.
Post # 8
Before Addie was born, my husband flat out said, “I would choose you over the baby,” and I pretty much agreed with him. Now that she’s here, though, I think that sense of responsibility changes things a bit. Maybe it’s like Arachna said: the parent-child relationship just requires more sacrifice.
Post # 9
If two people I loved were in a burning buiding unconsious/too small to walk, I’d get both out together or die trying. Real life thank god, doesn’t make you make those choices.
Post # 10
@ Mrs. Spring- I wonder if your husband had the same shift as you, or if he still feels the same. (like is that purely a maternal instinct type of thing?)
Post # 12
I’ve been a mom for 11 years now and can say that how I feel about FI and son are different. Totally different.
My bond with my son is irreplacable and so important to me. He will always be in my life and that’s that. I’ve walked thru fire for him, fought for him and love him so much.
FI? We are very close, have the greatest relationship, but it is honestly totally different and a whole different kind of love feeling…
know what I mean?
Post # 13
I might be getting silly taking this too seriously but I disagree.
Even taking into account the incredibly unlikely event that your house is on fire while you are in it while you husband and baby are at home.
The further more unlikely situation where you are conscious but your husband isn’t and you have a baby and firefighters haven’t gotten there.
Even in that case your actions are going to depend on who is closer to where, who is heaviest? Who is closest to a window or door? Where exactly is the fire, is it closer to your baby or your husband? IMO if I’m in that situation, I’m not thinking ‘who is more important’ I’m thinking ‘what is the best way to get us out’ and I think that’s true for most people. Did you grab the baby because you love the baby more or because your husband outweights you by 100 pounds and you would have died if you grabbed him? Etc. etc. IMO most people aren’t going to be capable of leaving their loved one behind if they could have saved them. You can’t look at the face of a loved one and leave them to die.
So even in the highly highly impossibly unlikely situation where you are in that burning building situation – I don’t think one’s actions can be fairly characterized as choosing between husband and child.
Post # 14
The love for my FI strengthens me, comforts me and gives me joy. It’s warm and encompassing and helps me get through the tough spots in life.
The love for my children is visceral, it is part of who I am.
I could survive the loss of my partner. My heart aches at the thought. He holds my heart.
I do not even want to contemplate the loss of my children. My mind runs from it in cold terror. For they hold the very air I breathe.
Post # 15
@Arachna: Sure, the situation I used is not all that common….but that’s why it’s extreme. And in extreme situations people’s true spirit comes out. My sister’s family was in a car wreck and she had enough time to either get her son out of his car seat, or drag her boyfriend out of the front seat. She chose her son. The car was too englufed in flames for her to safely get to her boyfriend. In the end he lived, but suffered severe burns and will have life long medical issues related to that accident. The baby is fine. This stuff totally happens in real life. I’m so confused that you could think it doesn’t!
Post # 16
I hate to ask, because I have no business dissecting such a tragedy. But, where was your sister, in the front or the back? Was the boyfriend conscious and trying to get out himself? Are you saying the car wasn’t too englufed in flames at first for her to get to her boyfriend but only became so later after she got the baby out? Where did the flames originate? Did she unbuckle him at all? Was he tangled or would it have been easy to drag him out?
I realize you might not know or not want to answer those which is fine. My point is that I can easily imagine a situation where you in a car crash – but again who you go to rescue IMO cannot be characterized as who you love more – I think it clearly depends on the circumstances. In real life decisions aren’t divorced from circumstances in order to provide a clean hypothetical situation.
For example, if I was sitting in the front I’d go for the person closest to me if it was feasible to get him out easily. Not because I love whoever is sitting there more.