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This was provided in another thread and it's very interesting. It poses the question, do you need to be in love to get married? It almost reminds me of arranged Indian marriages. They last a while and those couples rarely meet.
They are still together 11 years later so they made it work. Do you think people can learn to love and care for each other while in the marriage or should they already be in love for it to work?
People in arranged marriages stay together because they dont have a choice. Those cultures usually dont really give much option for divorce and remarrying. So they already have that mindset that they have to make it work, this makes them endure alot of things that most of us would get divorced over.
To answer the question I think you do need love to get married, but love on its own is not enough, you also need the right mind set and the ability to compromise, pick your battles and keep your problems to yourselves.
I think theoretically arranged marriages can work in the right environment. However, I think it's a disaster to try it in some cases. My cousin knew a girl who was married off and moved several states away right after she graduated high school. Their marriage lasted about a year, which is actually pretty good considering how it started!
I think if neither partner has an 'out' they might end up in love or just liking each other, but it seems pretty silly to start out like thatin most cases.
@bells: I have a friend from Pakistan and he lives here in America. His parents set him up with a girl he never met and they are still married 7 years later. It wasn't like they were in Pakistan where they didn't have options, but I think they view marriage different where divorce isn't an option at all. Like they don't go into their marriage thinking that if something doesn't work out, they can get divorced.
I personally feel you need to be in love to get married. Although I'm sure some get married hoping marriage will make things better, they'll learn to love eachother, etc.
Anyone watch When Harry Met Sally?? Some couples have a song, me and my SO have a movie. This reminds me of when the asian couple is doing their interview and he talks about how he sneaked into his brides village to peek at her before the wedding.
I couldnt imagine marrying someone without being in love. However, things are done very differently in other cultures. We have friends who are Albanian. I dont know if arranged marriages are common in their culture but there are a few members of their family who were arranged. They seem to love eachother very much... now (however I can't understand a damn word this guys wife says so she very well could be crying out for help with a smile on her face).
My best friend's parents marriage was arranged and she says that they love and care for each other alot. She's talked to her mom about this and her mom said that their love grew over time.
@Miss Tattoo:I think people marry for various reasons. Love is not a must for everyone. I love my SO deeply but I am interested in marrying him because I like him as a person. He cracks me up, I sincerely enjoy being around him. Compatibility and feasibility are important to me. Love comes and goes. Our divorce rate in America lets you know you can be in "love" today and hate his fucking guts in a year. Excuse my french, that was so unladylike of me:0) That was for you Miss Tatoo;0)
Do I? Yes. Does one? Not necessarily, depends on the person.
I had a friend in college who had an arranged marriage. His parents asked her parents about a wedding, her parents asked her what she thought about it. She went on three dates with him to decide, they got married and are quite happy. I'm absolutely sure they did not love each other after three dates, but they do now.
@Soladylike: I think American's have the mindset that "Oh well, if it doesn't work out then I can get divorced and do it again." I mean it seems like we are the only country with prenups. And what is a prenup? "This will happen if we get divorced." It's like you are starting the marriage trying to protect yourself if it doesn't work out instead of thinking that divorce is not going to be an option.
I think Will Smith and Jada actually had it in their vows that "divorce is not an option." and they are one of the longest married celeb couples.
Are they together because they made it work? Or are the still together because they feel like they have no other social option? There's a big difference.
I've seen a couple marriages where the people aren't in love. It isn't pretty. It obviously isn't a scientific sample size, but I am glad that it is not something I have to experience.
there is a woman sitting about 12ft outside my office door that had an arranged marriage, ive known her for almost 7yrs and i believe her marriage is now one of love - it may not have always been but they are happy, in love, support each other, share the same aspirations for their future and their child
i think you can have a successful marriage without passionate love but if it has respect and each person obtains a sense of companionship from it then i dont see why it cant be successful.
I think love is important, but maybe not as important as friendship (well, I guess I think they are equally important). I personally wouldn't marry someone I didn't love, but I know that different people get married for different reasons - and there are def differently views on what love is/means.
People have children with people they don't really love, which blows my mind more than marrying someone you don't love.
@Miss Tattoo:We really expect everything to be easy and I think many people have unrealistic expectations of marriage. I somehow doubt I will like my SO everyday, however, I can say I respect him as a person. I treasure what he brings to my life and vice versa. To me its not all about the feelings its about feasibilty too. I have an ex that I "loved" but I would not marry him because it was not destined to be lifelong. Sometimes I think we ignore the obvious becasue of the feelings we have for a person. It is no surprise when the feelings end so does the marriage. It has to be more to sharing your life with someone than feelings. No?
arrainged or "loveless" weddings make a mockery of the CEREMONY of a marriage, and committing your lives to one another
@keybee: I wholeheartedly disagree with you. Whether we like it or not, marriage and marriage ceremonies were not originally designed to be a commitment of love -- at least, not solely. Sociologists and cultural anthropologists will tell you that for centuries marriage was about culture, family and economic status, not really love. We are lucky to have the freedom to choose our spouse in our culture today.
Having said all that, I think that love is the glue that holds a happy marriage together. I don't think you have to have that love when you get married, but if you don't ever develop it, I would not think that was a very happy and healthy marriage. Of course, I don't think you are somehow less married or not in as "good" of a marriage as those who are in love - I leave it up to individual people and their faiths/cultures (and yes, government, although the government can be unfair) to define what a "real" marriage is.
Also - love doesn't look the same in every marriage. For example - I love my mom and I can tell her almost anything and we are very close. Does that mean my friend and her mom who aren't very emotionally close and don't talk about personal stuff love each other less? No, its just different. I do believe that when you marry someone, they become family, so I don't see the diverse kinds of love in marriage relationships being much different from the kinds of love in family relationships.
@keybee: i think thats a bit judgemental and harsh - there are alot of arranged marriages that are successful, happy and supportive. to someone companionship, an agreement on lifestyle/religion/upbringing/family etc means more than a relationship created by passion, does that mean their marriage is a mockery?
there are various levels/types of love - there isnt one type of love that is more important than others
@keybee:The ceremony happens one day. Marriage is a lifetime. I don't believe that a commitment requires a ceremony. I believe it can be a personal decision between two people. My husband and I were commited to each other before our wedding day. For us, the wedding ceremony was a way to proclaim our commitment to family and friends.
Re: the original question, yes, I believe that people marry for a variety of reasons, and love can be defined in many ways.
@Soladylike: That is perfect. There is a quote:
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine
That basically is like that. You may not like each other everyday or even be "in love" but you respect each other and when it comes down to it, you have built a relationship so strong, you can't fathom being apart.
I think it's def an interesting approach to thinking about a marriage. Someone else in the thread mentioned friendship too. I believe that's more important than being in love.
I would definitely want to be, but I'm very realistic about the fact that I won't always be "in love" with my future husband. I'm really glad that this is something my BF and I have talked over several times... We know that marriage is something you work at. You get married because you're going to spend the rest of your life together, and divorce is not an option.
I don't think love or marriage are mutually exclusive. I know plenty of married people not in love and plenty of people in love not married :)
In saying that... do I think you need to be in love to be married? Not at all. Arranged marriages are an exception, as well as shotgun weddings. In both cases the people make the most of the situation they are in and learn to be friends and then love the person they are with. In "most" situatins.
I would quite happily marry someone who was a good provider, kind person, faithful and honest. I'm sure love could come later. :)
I think people marry for other reasons than love; stability, friendship, companionship and those unions work out. So emphirically(sp?) yes I think you can have a marriage without love and have it last
I also dont think you need just love to make a marriage work; you need to have a groundwork of commonalities on value systems, viewpoints, and discussions on important decisions that will come up, and be ready for the ones that will blind side you.Most of all, Imo, you need friendship and respect- all of which last longer than that "idealized and romanticized" aspect of love. I feel grateful that that aspect of my relationship has bloomed into something that is beyond love, and more like strong companionship and understanding.
As for arranged marriages, they are very common place in my culture; I have to admit I could never do that, but thankfully in today's world in my culture there are "modern" ways of arranging marriage that allow for some contact and getting to know of the person you are being set up with to marry. That at least allows you to get to know each other, and find some of that groundwork or at least friendship so that (hopefully) your choice to continue this tradition will have a higher case of working out well.
I know arrange marriages that have failed, I know arranged marriages that have both SO being miserable and together, and I know some that have worked out because they were able to figure out something in common, and wanted stability and to have a family. I only hope that the ability to make choices enters more into arranged marriages (at least in some aspects of my culture).
I grew up next door to an arranged marriage, an indian couple. They met the day before the wedding. A move to america, three houses, an american drivers license, two kids, two grand kids and 31 years later, they are still married. Even when i was a kid I knew they loved each other you could see it when they looked at each other and how hard they worked. I think that building a life together is how they fell in love. They still look at each other that way!
@HisIrishPrincess: :) I love that story; I know a few couples like that, but most of them are from a completely different generation, where meeting someone the day before was the only way or the tradition of doing things, so you had to really work it out and give it your all. (also, I am in North America, I can imagine the state of affairs is different in my home country). Either way, I think people can grow into love, and that these types of relationships can last forever.
I guess my reluctance has been personally that I am unconventional in alot of ways in consideration of my culture; I cant see myself being happy with someone who I dont deeply know, who I dont grow with before finally being married and all the challenges therein. Also, its a big matter of choice with me. Most of all, I would really want to try and find someone who is just right for me, as a person, who I would allow myself to fall in love with, and grow old with. Thankfully I think I have found that, and what cultural aspects I do cherish, he respects and loves just the same.
I don't think love is what keeps a marriage together, so no. I think friendship, trust, respect, companionship...
I think arranged marriages can very much work because they aren't set in a pretense that it's some fairy tale. They have realistic expectations and often the match exceeds those expectations.
I love my FH, but I also - like SoLady said - like the companionship and laughter we share. And what's what is less fleeting, IMO, than love.
@jindc: :D I concur about everything you said
Especially the laughter part!
David feels romantic love is overrated. "Marriage really ought to be more about committing to being together than it is about how you feel at a given moment," he said.
A very good point. Love isn't just the warm, fuzzy feelings - its also a choice.
That said, no, I don't think you need to be in love to be married or to make a marriage work.
@lisa105: You're right. It's ultimately that notion that love is a choice.
Yes, it's a feeling, a reaction, an overwhleming sense of wanting to be with and care for another person. Yet some days, it really comes down to deciding if this person is worth sticking it out for.
In some cultures, there is less pressure to feel 'in love'. You get married and you make it work, and it grows over time. Some of the greatest love I know is love between couples who have been together for 30. 40, 50, 60+ years. They've weathered hardships but have managed to come through on the otherside, together.
For me, personally, I want to know and love the person before I marry him. But, I also think marriages that aren't brought together by love can work. I think that we have the option to marry many different people, but we choose to make the relationship we have with our SOs work, and they become 'the one'.
@SnugglesKD: I think that we have the option to marry many different people, but we choose to make the relationship we have with our SOs work, and they become 'the one'.
This I totally agree with your POV :D nicely said!
My Anthropology class actually taught us that arranged marriages actually have a higher success rate than those who marry for love, citing same backgrounds, goals, etc. etc. Makes sense.
That being said, I do not think a marriage can last on love alone. I don't think it makes practical sense. You need more than love to be able to stay together, and the elements of an arranged marriage can fit into that piece. They make perfect sense to me because I'm a logical person...and that was something I struggled to find in my adult life was someone that only fit my heart, but also that fit ME.
Being married to an Indian (caucasian here), I married into a family with many arranged marriages. While I could not do it personally, it does work for many couples. My husband has a female cousin in India who's parents are looking for a "match" for her right now. It's just the cultural norm, there. It is becoming more common now, though, for Indians to select a person to marry and not have an arranged marriage. It really depends on how conservative the family is, though. My in-laws didn't mind when he announced he fell in love with an American and we were going to get married. Other Indian families would have flipped!
I personally can't understand arranged marriages because my personal belief is love=marriage, not marriage=love. But people who support arranged marriages will you tell you differently. It's just a very personal opinion, I guess.
That said, love is not the only important facet of marriage. Laughter, communciation, trust, respect, etc. are all equally important. But I still can't imagine having all of those things but not being in love.
Many arranged marriage supporters will tell you that the love comes later (after getting married). I don't see how this is always possible because I've dated guys in the past and never fell in love with them. I don't see how you are guaranteed to always fall in love with somebody? It's an interesting topic. Thanks for bringing it up Miss Tattoo. Fascinating for me since I have so many Indian relatives now. :)
@Jenn23: I am Indian myself and when I was younger I thought very much like that; I think now with the modernization of so many indian traditions, the alternatives are out there, the younger generation knows about them and they have enough in common with the older traditions (indian match making sites from india?) to allow them to be discussed with elders.
I think arranged marriages with some contact and commonalities (especially a need for tradition, or other traits having to do with culture) allow for the success of most arranged marriages- there needs to be a groundwork, and then hopefully friendship and respect and then love (hopefully). I totally agree that its not a gurantee, but the odds are better. That being said, in my personal life as an Indian woman, I didnt chose an indian suitor, or even one my parents picked out for me- My SO is caucasian as well :) It was hard at first, but my family is pretty forward thinking so hes now part of the family and pretty loved. I made the choice because I love him, because we we have done the work before the marriage, and I believe that makes it the best chance of success that way.
I wont lie though- for women in most Indian families, making such choices is hard, especially when hardcore traditionalists are involved. Its a very complex situation- for some it has been the only way, so they find a way to make it work, others its new ideas of love being something you work on that keeps them from having arranged marriages, and finally sometimes its a mix. It totally depends on the person, and either way theres no gurantee to any of it-the odds just get better with more time, and the more you work on it
I'm not sure you NEED love to be married, but I'm sure it helps. Also I know I wouldn't marry without love, but that's me. To each his/her own.
I think the term "in love" is a little misleading. I usually associate "in love" with the new-relationship, butterflies in the tummy feelings, while you can LOVE your partner even you're pissed as hell at him/her. Anyone who has wanted to scream "You're such a a--hole" at their SO, but then an hour later only wanted to hug and make up knows that love can last through more than simple infatuation.
I think couples who are forced to marry CAN learn to love each other, or at least become familiar with each other, even if there is no great passion, assuming their culture and personalities allow for decent treatment of both parties in the marraige. Also, if you've grown up in a culture where divorce is pretty much unheard of or difficult or dishonorable, you don't treat marraige like a pair of sock you can change the minute you think they stink, without trying to clean things up (my dad is a serial marry-er on wife#3 - she married him for his earning potential - he married her for her credit rating) Would I want that - No. Do I think it might work out okay for some - sure.
Modern Western society has a more "romantic" view of marriage and life expectations. We expect to find a soulmate and have 2.5 kids with him/her and then have a house and be able to travel the world all after getting our higher level educations and having awesome, fulfilling careers, regardless of sex (of course, this is quite a feat for most of us women, as a lot of frown at SAHMs and expect you to be a great mom AND a kick-ass CEO - time sonsuming at best). Meanwhile, in other cultures, it's still mostly expected that the lady of the house be in charge of kids and kitchen, and roles are more fixed.
I guess what works for you works for you. I'd still like to be swept off me feet now and then :P
Watch the film, "The Magic of Ordinary Days." It's a story about a young woman who gets pregnant out of wedlock in the 1940s and has a marriage to young working man arranged to cover it up. I know it's a film and may be sensationalized (and a tad bit sentimental), but it does share a beautiful story about how two people can work to make a marriage work. In the end the two seemingly opposite people develop a strong and lasting love because they learned to appreciate each other for who they are.
Also, I think it's key to remember that our Western views and ideologies about love and marriage can sometimes narrow our understanding of these things. Yes, some arranged marriages are horrible and outdated. On the flip side, however, some arranged marriages are a well thought out and deliberately matched unions that work out wonderfully for certain couples. It's not fair to judge and say "all arranged marraiges are bad and won't work out or create love for the couple," because that is just as closed minded as saying, "all freely formed marital unions will last the test of time." We know both of these statements to be untrue.
I think marriage and love are all relative. The value that one person finds in marriage or love depends greatly on their cultural and societal upbringing, their values, and their norms.
I believe that a marriage without love can work, but that it is greatly dependant on the individuals in that marriage and their level of commitment. If two people commit themselves to a marriage and say, "Yes we are going to make this work," than I think they have a high probability of actually achieving that goal based on realistic perspectives. Sometimes true love is mistaken for infactuation and that type of marriage is usually the one that fails once the lustre as worn off. Love can grow out of a partnership of respect. This reason alone is why many of us grow deep and meaningful friendships with people who we did not originally love.
This all being said, I do believe love before marriage is the right thing for me. It fits my cultural belief system and what I have grown to know as a societal norm. That is what is right for me, it may not be what is right for others. When we all look at issues like this we need to remember that it's all relative, so please look outside of the ethnocentric box.
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