(Closed) Do you sometimes feel he doesn’t love you if he doesn’t want to marry you

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well, first off (hugs). There’s many reasons he could have made a remark like that – including trying to hint that he’s already bought your ring, so stop looking!

What is your fiancé’s relationship history? He’s not a “kid” – so I assume he’s had some serious long-term relationships before, maybe even a marriage? My fiancé was married before, and it ended badly (obviously lol), but for a long time, he was pretty open with me that he didn’t ever plan to get married again. That was fine with me – but it wouldn’t have been fine with many women. Just wondering if there is any hesitation on his part, that has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.

I can understand you feeling personally offended – but it sounds like you have a solid, stable relationship if you trust each other enough to live together and share bank accounts. I don’t believe that marriage is a reflection on your relationship, or on YOU. It’s not a bar to pass to prove love. If he wasn’t serious about you, and loved you, the two of you wouldn’t have as serious of a relationship as you do now.

Have you made it clear to him that you want to get married, “soon”?

Sometimes men are oblivious to what we want – sometimes hinting works, sometimes you need more of a brick over the head approach.

Hope this helps – and enjoy your vacation, no matter what. You never know when the proposal will come. Mine came on a random Saturday morning in bed – after holidays spent with families, after we recently had taken several nice (romantic) trips together, and recently gone out to fancy dinners.

Post # 4
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

I can completely relate eden760. My boyfriend and I have a 2 year anniversary vacation coming up in the middle of August. I had totally gotten my hopes up that he was going to propose on our anniversary. It would be perfect (we are staying on a beach in Mexico for a week). He kept making comments that implied that he was saving for a ring and things have been going great between us. He already knows of my desire to get engaged to him, but more recently I brought up the topic again and he found out more of what my timeline is (I’d like to be engaged by September and get married around August of 2011). Turns out he is NOT ready to be committed and NOT ready to put a ring on my finger. He straight up admitted that yes, he is saving for a ring, but he also told me that he wants things to be better between us before he will propose. I thought things were perfectly fine between us but he seems to think differently. He agreed that he “might possibly have a fear of commitment” and that he probably wouldn’t want to get married until 2012 at the earliest. That seems like a lifetime away to me. I feel devastated. I have already been planning things I would like at my wedding and I was getting so excited to think that I would finally be engaged. I freaked out at first and actually considered just ending things because I do feel that he doesn’t love me because he is not ready to commit. I mean, he told me he knows he wants to be with me forever, but then he can’t actually commit?! Ugh! However, my sister helped calm me down and I do know that I do not want to force him into proposing. I want him to want to do it. So I told him that I will stop bringing things up and I will let him do things on his own time, even if it means that I have to wait until 2012 or later to be married. I still feel kind of upset and angry that he gets to choose the timeline and he has control over it all, but I guess I’ll just have to get over it. Maybe he’ll see the light and end up proposing soon anyway. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me more than anything, and I do believe him, even if deep down inside it hurts that I can’t have what I want right now. (I am the most impatient person you’ll ever meet too.) 

At least your man hasn’t told you straight up that he’s not ready to commit. There’s still a chance that you could have a huge surprise coming your way! I’ll cross my fingers for you!

Post # 5
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I ABSOLUTELY know how you feel.

Now, I will preface this by saying that I am only 26. however, my boyfriend (who is also 26) and I have been together for what will be EIGHT YEARS (holy crap! lol) in september – we basically met the first week of college, started dating within that first month, and the rest is history. 

We own a home together, we have a cat and a rabbit, we’ve been through REALLY hard times (dealing with his addictions – he’s been sober for 5 years 🙂 – and coping with the deaths of both his parents, both from cancer, within 2 years of one another, among many other things).  we’ve been through ALOT together, and our relationship is probably one of the strongest around, although i’m obviously biased 😉

Lately, I have been finding myself becoming more and more upset at the fact that we are still not engaged, especially considering all the things we have been through in our almost 8 years together – to be quite frank, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me 🙁 i KNOW that’s not true, but i really have a hard time reminding myself of that as more and more time passes. it’s made even harder by the fact that EVERYONE (friends, family, neighbors) constantly gives us grief for not being engaged yet.  I even find myself feeling angry and bitter when friends of mine announce their engagements, instead of being happy for them!  I can’t even be happy for his older brother – he proposed to his girlfriend after 9 MONTHS of dating with a $30,000 ring (i know that’s just idiotic on his part, but it still stung big time). I hate feeling so petty 🙁

Yes, he knows how badly i want to get married.  In reality, he says that he wants to be in a more secure place in his career (which is hard for me to fully believe b/c without revealing an amount, he has A LOT of money in the bank – AND i actually want a moissanite ring, which would cost less than one month’s mortgage payment for us :P).  Additionally, his parents had a nasty divorce, so he also tends to have a very cynical outlook on marriage in general. I know I am just letting this eat at me, and I am sure he is telling me the truth when he says that he does want to marry me [eventually].  it’s just so hard to not let it get to you and start to effect your self-esteem 🙁 so i am absolutely on the same page with you.

I hope he does ask you on your trip! if not, I firmly believe you should sit down and have a talk about it. If your relationship is that serious, and you want it go to the next level, it’s definitely a discussion that should be taking place. GOOD LUCK!!! and keep us posted!! I hope you have a fabulous vacation, regardless 🙂

Post # 6
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@eden760  have you even talked about it?  it doesn’t sound like you have from your post.  Talk to him, seriously, about your future together…not just “i’m looking at rings in magazines and you should be too”.

This is not an attack at you, but struck a cord with me relating to a friend of mine — I can NEVER understand how a woman can be ready to spend the next 70+ years of her life with a man…if only there were a diamond…but can’t have a sensitive conversation with that same man to know how he feels.  (Again, just a generalization directed at you), but if you can’t talk openly about your future at 2 years, how do you expect to talk openly about your future, at 5, 10, 50?

Talk to him?  Not an anonymous board?

Post # 7
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

sorry!!  I meant “*NOT directed at you” in the third to last line!  sorry…

Post # 8
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

Patience… that’s all I can recommend really. And Mr. Bee’s Plan Wink

Post # 9
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
Post # 10
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have my fingers crossed for you. Sometimes things happen when you least expect it! It will happen eventually! Just stay happy and don’t let him see you in your “I’m grumpy cause he isn’t proposing” mood.. Men use that as an excuse to procrastinate sometimes I think…. Oh men are just so great. Yell

@lfair3iw: I am in almost the exact same situation as you. The end of this September will be 8 years for my FI and I. I am 27 and he s 34! We are engaged… but after the engagement, (which if I may add- he was wayyy more excited about than I was) he seems to be running out of “good” excuses to not have the wedding. I swear, after so many years of being good enough to play the wife, some (ungrateful) men just don’t see the point in sealing the deal. Isn’t love grand?!! Hopefully your guy steps up to the plate soon… but when you said 26, I thought, that is still young. Then I realised I’m only 27.. Maybe we should wait til my 34 year old baby, grows up! Hahah… Seriously, will he?

Sorry for hijacking your thread!!

Best of luck!!

Post # 11
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@eden760: Yes,i feel this way completely! I am so sad and offended my SO of 8.5 years has not proposed. He only thought of it because I had to tell him. I’m so sad that he could not have thought this on his own and am getting weepy at the though. I totally feel for you (and me!)

@lfair3iw: I’m with you sista!

@NatDawn: Agreed – it’s upsetting after basically being the wife for years to not have a ring and an offical commitment. And they will gladly arrive home after work expecting dinner and a clean house (even though we work as well).

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