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I don't know if you talking to us counts though...I mean, I won't talk to my family about it but I feel fine talking to you all about it (although I did want to post a gripe about my FMIL earlier and totally censored myself)... Hmm....
Absolutely yes. I love getting advice and input whereas my fiance really doesn't care what other people think. I have tried to keep the advice-asking to a minimum, and away from personal things, because I know it bothers him.
I really try not to but it's hard. Especially here on Weddingbee. I know he wouldn't like it (he knows I'm on here but he doesn't read anything) but I figure better here than I talk to friends or family!
I didn't vote, b/c Mr.D doesn't mind that I talk to other people about our problems. I once dated a guy who did have a problem with me talking to other people about our problems and it was very isolating for me, so I'm so happy that Mr.D doesn't make me feel that way. I think it also depends on the problem, some I share with others, but other I don't. I haven't really shared anything with anyone else that's objected to so far, but I think if i did, I wouldn't continue to share what upset him.
Ditto to tessabella, i think WB is prob better than friends or family for a lot of the problems. Sometimes you just need to vent and you don't' want your venting to color your friend's/family's perspective.
Ya, I find it hard... cuz nomatter what the issue is... good or bad.
He doesnt like it. So I find myself isolating myself and dont want that.
Im a talker...
so I figured the net would be less of an issue... but its not
and I dont know where to turn too 
i say alot of stuff online but its never super sensitive and i never demean or belittle him/his choices-expect for stupid dvd's that is
i once got a massive black eye at boxing and i joked online with pics that he gave me the black eye for not having his dinner ready (if you knew the man you would laugh at the thought) and he only had to say once "dont tell people that" and i stopped
otherwise when we're talking over dinner i share what i put online and hes happy with it
If it would make me feel better, then yes. No matter what he thought I would find somebody to talk to. I don't think it's fair to limit my communication if he's not willing to talk to me about it.
Ya its tough...
but I prefer talking to online friends then family and friends.
I try to make him understand that... but he so hard-headed
It drives me nuts... but I married him, so I knew how he was to begin with. *SiGH*
I'm on the same boat as D'Orsay. Mr. Candy Corn knows that I need to vent sometimes to friends (even online friends I've never met) and he has no problem with it. I am also fine with him talking to his pals (whether online or in person) about any issues we're having because I think it does help to get perspective from friends and such.
Flamingo, I super duper highly suggest getting a therapist - I'm a firm believer that everyone could use one! Would he not be irritated at that, since it's that person's job to listen to you?
Yes! I think it is very healthy to talk to others about things that are bothering you. It is not good to keep it in, and it helps to talk to a third party. I am also a huge fan of therapy!
I have to vent one way or another, but it's usually to him. When it's not to him, I tend to vent on here more than I do to people in our family or with friends, I just feel like it's more private in a way...weird I know...and the hubby doesn't really mind either way :) D'Orsay's suggestion is a great one! Would your hubby mind if you did that?
Dorsay, Mr.Flamingo doesnt mind if its a therapist... so Im gonna sign up in the next couple of weeks. Plus, he also agreed to marriage couciling... so thats another step ahead
Going beyond your question - I don't intentially do anything that I know will upset or does upset my SO - within reason obviously. (ie big issue things not something trival like don't cut your hair, etc).
I would be very angry/upset if he did something he knew would upset me but did it anyway - it doesn't matter what it is. I view it as respect. If my SO didn't want me to do X then I would respect him and not do X.
I clicked "yes" but it really depends. Some things really are truly private. Some things I gossip about with my friends. He KNOWS I talk to them about certain ahem, things we do (helloooo i gotta learn new tricks from someone!) but he doesn't want to know exactly what they know. We're all very private and sometimes you just have to get some consolation from someone. But I always remember that it coudl come back to bite me later, so for instance, I don't go talking to my mom when we have problems lest they come up later. 99.9% of the time issues are resolved without outside assistnace from my friends though. Usually it's just gossip =]
And I"m very TMI on weddingbee, but nobody REALLY knows us, so i think it's ok. not like you can find him and be like "oh I KNOW you!!!"
I guess it depends. I have one friend that I can tell anything to ... but I don't necessarily tell him I'm doing so. Usually he's the one I go to resolve issues with... and I try to keep it at that.
My husband and I try to practice a policy of not venting to close friends or family about eachother. It's just seems to create more trouble in the end. I don't want to put them in a place of knowing about our dirty laundry, and then next time we have a get-together they're imagining all the bad things I told them, even though the problems probably are fixed by then. So I think very carefully before discussing intimate pieces of my relationship with friends and family.
On here I am more open. However, my husband has seen some of my posts about him before and come to me with them, upset. So I've rethought that too, and tried not to post anything that I think he would truly mind. I think your husband just wants to know that you've got his back.
It can be super valuable to have a therapist! It's awesome having someone who is paid to listen to all your troubles. Glad to hear you're investigating that.
I clicked no, but I didn't even consider sharing online! I'm terrified to say anything to my friends about our relationship, good or bad, because I don't want my friends to have a one-sided view of my husband - so major issues I usually don't share with my friends, but little things I will talk to them about. There was one big fight where I had to share with my mom, and it was really hard to have her know that much about us.
But I looooove therapy! Where else can you talk about yourself for a straight hour!?
I didn't vote b/c I don't think FI would ever dare to tell me not to talk to friends or my siblings. He's made comments once or twice like, "Oh, you told <X> that?" in a way that implied he would have preferred otherwise. But he's known from the start that there are a handful of people I'm really close to and share most things with. And I know that he talks about stuff going on with us to his BFF (and Best Man) sometimes. Not often, but he does. I think it's healthy to share these things with people you trust. I also think counseling and therapy can be very helpful...so I storngly suppor tyour decision. It's not the same as talking to friends b/c they really are trained and educated to ask the right questions and guide your thinking and feeling process (or at least the good ones are, there are sadly also plenty of bad ones out there).
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First off Flamingo, I am SO happy your are going to talk to someone :)
I once got a great piece of advice, "Never complain about the awful things your spouse does to your family, because your family is already pre-programmed to love you most. If your spouse hurts you, your family will hate your spouse, even after you have made up with him." I'm paraphrasing, so I'm not sure the right connotation is coming through, but basically, your may not forgive and forget as easily as you do, because they don't love your SO the way you do. Worse, they might turn against him because they love you.
Because I think this is true, I never talk to my family about any serious disagreements I have with my FI. Sometimes, I talk to other married or engaged women (as here) about what is going on. My FI is a very private person and would not like it if I aired our dirty laundry to people that know us.
On occasion, I have confided in a close friend when I am really at a loss, but I try to keep that to a minimum. I think that working out issues between the two of us has made our relationship stronger.
@Soon2BeMrsC I agree about complaining to family. Plus I dont want them to see Mr.Flamingo that way... so hence the reason I talk to strangers (WB) or Chat.
Its hard though, because I feel like Im not respecting his choice. But if I dont talk or vent.... then all hell will break loose. You know?
Hopefully a professional will help us out on our current issues.
I agree. I don't like venting to family, they can get the wrong impression. I have a few friends that I can sometimes vent to, but most of the time it depends on the subject.
The Mr. doesn't seem to mind too much but I know that he's not always appreciative of everyone finding out what's going on in our relationship.
I know I seem to be in the minority here, but I think that all issues between you and your FH should stay between the two of you. I'd hope that the whole point of discussing any issues would be to solve the issue/problem. And really, only the two of you are in the position to do that. Talking about it with others, even "just to vent", just in my opinion, would be a version of avoiding or extending the problem. Unless the other person is professional help or someone your FH trusts as much as he trusts you, then issues should stay between the two of you.
From what most of you say (from those whose FH or spouses don't like you to discuss it with others), any form of undesired sharing only makes him more upset or feel hurt. Hurting or upsetting each other seems like a bad way to continue your relationship...I know I'd hate for my FH to do something he knows hurts my feelings. Maybe show him how much you love him by respecting his preferences, but also tell him that if he doesn't want you to discuss it with others than maybe he needs to be open to discussing it with you so that you also feel that he respects your preference to talk about your issues & clear the air.
However, like many of you mentioned, I don't know you or him, so my advice should be taken with a grain of salt - you know yourselves & your FH/spouse best.
Its a judgement call for me. If I 100% need advice -- cannot come to a resolution on my own then, yes. But if its something silly or something quite personal, no, because I wouldn't want him to do it either!
OK, I'm going to the tough one here. I think if your husband has asked you not to talk about your problems online, you shouldn't talk about your problems online. You are not respecting his wishes. You are prioritizing YOUR need to vent over HIS need for privacy regarding your personal matters. I understand that you WANT to talk to people, but you need to be honest about what you're doing: ignoring his needs in order to satisfy your own.
I know I am not respecting his wishes... hence the reason we will start couselling. So hopefully I wont need to vent to anyone else...
plus, all that I vent about he already knows. I tell him everything, even if hes not very receptive at times. Its hard though... cuz he speaks to no one, and then takes it out on me.
I talk to people so I dont take it out on him... its complicated
I really hope the counseling helps. I'm wishing you lots of luck, peace and understanding.
I can relate to the fact that you and your Mr. explore and resolve your emotions differently! I find it cathartic to talk through things and reach a "resolution" together verbally but my husband finds this draining (even though he can admit that it has it's positive points!) On the flip side, I feel shut out and brushed off when he's so internal about his feelings that he gives me no feedback on an issue. It's a very tough thing to work out and you both need to meet halfway. I wish you the best of luck in your counselling because if you can each take a bit of appreciation for the other person's process, and try incorporating their methods into your own life, then you'll start growing together, and that's a GREAT feeling. Big hugs!
No Way Jose...we do not bring other people in on our problems. Most of the time those people tend to judge him or I and they don't really know everything. We have great communication so we are able to work things out on our own. Now, girlfriend advice about "stuff" in relationships is always helpful!!
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I think it's important to manage your feelings and emotions the best way you can and if that means venting to friends (online or in person) then you have to do what is best for you. But it's also really important that you don't let it interfere with your marriage. I think you're definitely making the right decision in getting counselling so that you can work together to help each other manage issues that come up, not just try to manage individually and then react to how the other person copes.
I tend to vent directly to FI about issues that I'm having or issues that involve him and he has talked me off the proverbial ledge multiple times but I am more highly strung than he is so he has that calming effect on me. My problem is I tend to get myself all worked up, I don't need help from anyone or any outside issues!
Ooo, this is a good question, Mrs. F. I generally won't post about any personal issues on a public forum: if i do, I drastically change details. But friends and I will occasionally talk about our problems together, and I think that's Ok. Mr. MJ's peeve is when women (and men, they do it too) go off to their friends/coworkers/etc and complain about problems in their relationship with their husband/FI (or wife/FI) - INSTEAD of working them out with their partner.
For example, if Mr. MJ was doing some habit that made me mad, so I went and told my friend "Ooo, this habit pisses me off, I can't stand it," but then I didn't say ANYTHING to Mr. MJ about it. He thinks that's pretty dumb (and I agree) because if we don't communicate our issues to each other, we're not going to be able to solve them or come to a compromise.
MJ - the thing is that I do talk to Mr.Flamingo about my feelings and issues.... but he brushes them off alot. Once he realized that I am sad, or angry he comes around and talks to me about it...
But until the realization occurs... i need to let it out. Otherwise Ill get sick over it. If he doesnt need to talk to people thats fine. But I do... and when I do, its all stuff he knows already. So Im not just venting to be a "girl" ;)
YES YES YES. We all need a place (or a person) to go to for advice, and someone who can help put a clearer spin on things sometimes. I actually don't think that it's okay for anyone to tell their partner that they have to keep everything between the two of them...I think it's kind of controlling, actually.
I have done this in the past and I really regret it now :(
I am sure everyone is done talking about this but I wanted to add my opinion.
I am the<span style="font-style: italic;"> opposite, I don't like my FI to air out our dirty laundry to everyone. If it's between me and him, I try to keep it that way. I don't want others to know what we are having trouble with. Families usually take sides and end getting a skewed image of the other person. I do understand though that sometimes you need an outsiders perspective, so I don't get too upset if he goes to a friend for advice, just not all his friends. With that said, we have very good communication. We usually need time to chill and then we talk. We always work out our problem in the end and makes us stronger for doing it together.
Mrs. Flamingo, good luck. I think the posts suggesting a therapist is a great idea. Keep us posted on how that goes.
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The title says it all...
Im a blogger, Im a board person... Im on the net alot
And even though I don't really talk to my family about my problems in fear they will judge my relationship, I find myself asking for advice with my e-friends.
Now, I know Mr.Flamingo HATES that I talk to others about our problems, and even though I know I should respect his choice... I find it comforting talking to others and asking for 'outside" advice.
Plus, I feel that if I were to consult someone... I would be talking to a stranger about our issues... so basically it would come out to the same thing, I would just be poor-er.
So, Do you talk to others about your problems when your SO clearly doesnt like it?