Post # 1
I’ve had many talks with SO about our future engagement, but he doesn’t want to give me any timeline/ hints about anything, and it’s starting to drive me crazy. Bascially, if he could just tell me “not this year, but sometime in 2014 I would like to get engaged” I would be happy. He thinks just knowing that we will get married “someday” is good enough. He reasures me that we will get married and he wants everything I do, but I find it hard to walk blindly for potentially 2 more years.
I find that every time I bring up the conversation, I have a list of things in my head I want to talk about, but when we start talking, I end up getting emotional and not getting everything out.
I thought about writing him a letter and letting him read it on his own while I’m at work. Do you think that is a good idea or terrible idea?
Post # 3
@memo: I feel the same way as you do. I have so many things I need to tell him, but I get sidetracked when we talk about things and I get embarrassed about my wants and needs and it’s sooo hard to communicate it well. I have gotten pretty much the exact same thing from my SO– when I’ve tried to bring it up, he indicates that he agrees marriage is pretty likely to be in our future, but when I try to communicate that I need better confirmation than that, he says that I don’t need to worry about that, it will come “all in good time.” NO, I need to know for sure if he sees that coming, and approximately when! But I have trouble getting this across (in fact, I have not dared to say that to him yet, but I’m going to soon).
So. . . unfortunately I’m in the same place you are, and I’m just going to think it over and get up the guts to have a serious conversation and ask him something like, “what do you see the next 3 or so years looking like for us? Would you consider at least getting engaged in the next year or two? That’s what I am really hoping for, and it’s on my mind a lot, and I have trouble with the uncertainty of not being sure when/if you think you want it to happen. Can you give me an explanation of how/if you see that happening, and a better idea of the time frame?”
I’ve thought of a letter too, but I feel like, for my SO and I, a letter would be a super-dramatic step and kind of an admittance to a breakdown in normal communication, which would be uncomfortable at best and a bad sign at worst (for us). If you and your SO do write each other love letters or letters to explain how you feel when emotions are running high, I think it would be fine, but if you don’t have a habit of writing each other letters, I think it might be awkward.
Why don’t you just straight out tell him that his lack of definiteness is driving you crazy, and you need a better idea of when to hope for/expect engagement for your sanity and peace of mind? Emphasize that for your own emotional needs, you really want/need a specific answer, and even though you respect his desire for it to be a surprise (if you think that’s what’s making him so unwilling to talk about it) it is your relationship and your life too, and you have a right to be involved in deciding what’s happening, and when approximately. I think that’s only fair, but I have yet to get up the guts to do that, so I totally understand!
Post # 4
@Creiddylad: Thanks for the reply. We’re not really note people either, that’s why I’m hesitant about it. We communicate really well on everything but this! I’ve tried asking about a timeline and it seems to bother him because he does want it to be a surprise. I like the way you framed it though. Maybe I’ll do a little rehersal (I know that sounds lame) of what I will say, and do my best to say it all the way I want to say it.
We just talked about this a couple days ago, so I have to figure out when another good time is to bring it up. I don’t want to keep badgering him about it. He’s also the kind of guy to do the opposite of what people tell him, so I don’t want to push him so much that it makes my wait longer!
I hope you get the courage to talk to your SO and get a timeframe!
Why can’t tradition be for the woman to propose? lol
Post # 6
Instead of writing him a letter, write yourself a note/list. Then, the next time you’re talking about IT, you can refer to your notes. That will calm you down, which will help the conversation along. He’ll see a conversation as a more direct but less threatening way to communicate. I think. =)
Question: Why do we always write, “I think blah blah blah”? Obviously I think it…I’m writing it!
Post # 7
I think it’s probably a bad idea simply because most guys are going to kind of freeze when you get super serious about asking when they are going to propose – I’ve been there, and although sometimes I really like writing letters because I feel like I can be more calm and express myself better, I also know my DH would have felt totally pressured and clammed up even more if I wrote him a letter about it.
You said 6 months ago that you knew it would be at least a year. So give it another six months. At that point, I’d wait till a conversation about the future comes up naturally – whether it’s discussing future children or your schooling or whatever, And then I would tell him, as in a way that is as non-emotional/worked up as you can manage, that it’s tough that the two of you have such a good relationship and know you both want a future together, but that only the guy gets to talk about/decide when you’re ready to start planning a wedding, and that you feel like you decide everything else in your life together, but when it comes to this huge major thing you’re supposed to just butt out and wait for whoever knows how many years. See where it goes from there (and don’t let him blow you off!)
Post # 8
@memo: Wow, you really are in such a similar situation to my SO and me. My SO, like yours, has a habit of doing the opposite of what people try to get him to do. We have also had this topic come up a lot lately– even though I tried the shut-it-up pact for a while, I failed at it last weekend when I insisted that I strongly believe in marriage (we were talking about how some other people view it) and he said, “I know, my dear!” And then when I asked him how HE felt (asking if he felt that marriage isn’t necessary for a committed relationship) he said, yes, partially. . . ugh. And I need to talk about this stuff to him MORE because it’s never entirely out in the open, just awkward allusions.
ANYWAY, maybe if you can completely avoid the subject for, say, 2 weeks, you could bring it up again? There does get to be a point when guys feel like their women are hinting about it several times a week (even if a woman tries to be quiet) but if you went for a while without saying anything it might help. Is your relationship anniversary coming up? After it passes, that might be a good time to talk. I’m thinking that’s what I’ll do (our relationship anniversary is in February).
Bleh, I know, it is annoying that it “has” to be the man. I think it has something to do with human psychology– it is somehow necessary, in a lot of couples, for the man to do the asking. My opinion (I’m a bit squirrely about thinking this) is that if the man can’t get up the guts to propose at some point, he doesn’t value the woman enough. I’ve known couples where the woman did propose, and both of them ended up breaking up or divorcing. That’s not much of a sample, but knowing that (along with many other factors) makes me entirely unwilling to propose to him!
Good luck to you also! Sorry for being so long-winded– this stuff is on my mind a LOT.
Post # 9
@Wonderstruck: Good advice! I’ll try to keep this in mind as well. 🙂
Post # 10
@Creiddylad: Well, it’s good that he knows how you feel. If he wants to be with you, I’m sure he knows marriage has to be in the future.
I’m typically pretty good at not bringing it up (sometimes). before this chat, it was about 1 month ago, but to him thats a lot! haha. Some of his lines are “what if I was planning on proposing to you tomorrow? you would have ruined it” he also told me last time that by me bringing it up made him fee like I didn’t belive he could do it on his own 🙁
Our anniversary is in June, so nothing close. I know when he does propose it’ll be in spring/summer because we want a summer wedding and only a 1 year engagement, so definitly if he doesn’t propose this summer, I’ll bring it up and know I don’t be “ruining” any of his proposal plans.
I’m not into the idea of a woman proposing either, but I don’t know any woman who has. I told SO that if he waited too long, I’d propose to him, but he didn’t like that idea lol
@Wonderstruck: Thanks for the advice. I think I need to do my best to not be emotional. I think whenever I do bring it up, I have a “plan” in mind and probably come across that way, not naturally
Post # 11
@memo: Haha – same situation here! But I think that a letter is not the best idea only because you don’t want to push him and make an awkward situation.
Post # 12
I would write down a small list of main points so you don’t get lost and maybe that will help you organize thoughts as well.
Post # 13
@megz06: that’s a good idea, as a pp said as well. I may have to do that for the next time we have a chat
Post # 14
I actually have a letter like this already written out, because every time we try to talk about engagement, I start crying and can’t actually say anything useful. I’ve just been hesitant to give it to him. It’s not about (or asking for) a timeline, though. Rather, it’s me explaining why this is important to me, why waiting has been hard, and that I want to keep the lines of communication on this topic open evn though I don’t want to pressure him. I tell him that I want him to take the time that he needs, and I ask him to tell me if he realizes his hesitation is coming from “not ever” rather than “not yet.” I tell him that I love him, and I’m not going anywhere. I ask him to be patient with me if I sometimes seem sad or withdrawn, because just like it’s scary and hard to decide whether or not you’re ready – or want – to marry someone, it’s just as scary and hard to be waiting for the person you love to decide if they want to marry you, and when, when that is a decision you have already made yourself.
Post # 15
How long have you been together?
I was with my FH for two years before he proposed and I knew he was the one a few months into year one. I needed the time to make sure though, because I wanted to make sure my gut wasn’t crying wolf…wow, didn’t expect that metaphor in this context but I will go with it…
Every once in a while when I would get impatient and want solid reassurance I would just remind myself of allll the amazing things my SO does for me to show me he loves me and think about what fun we have together and it was enough to reassure me. I knew it would happen, I just had to do that and tell myself that we have each other and that is what is most important.
Now, aftersaying all this, it only took us two years and I had grad school to keep me busy. I don’t know how I would deal if I had to wait too much longer than that. I am also going to be 30 next month though…
Don’t pester him. He knows you want to get engaged. You don’t want to push him into it, believe me. Trust him come to it on his own time, it will be more special. If anything, your actions are going to get him there more than words at this point. Plan a special something for him and make him feel overwhelmingly close to you if that makes any sense. What does he love to do? What does he want to do that he hasn’t been able to? Or just what can you do to mix things up a bit? I promise you that will be more effective.
Post # 16
@jessiebean: We’ve been together for 5.5 years. Thing is that we’re both 25 and I’m still in school. We rent out the basement of my Mom’s place and have been living together for about 4 years. I think the main problem is that I really wanna get married sooner rather than later, and I think he only cares that we get married “some day”
I know, logically, that I should relax and enjoy my time, but it gets hard emotionally.
We’re going on vacation in a few weeks, so hopefully we can have some special time together soon