Post # 1
Hello bees, my SO bought my e-ring about a week ago and I wasn’t expecting to get it for a few months. Just now, I am at my parents which is about 3 hours away from where me and SO live. He couldn’t come because he had to work.
To cut a long story short, we were talking on the phone and I told him my mum had jokingly mentioned that he would need to speak to her as well as my dad before we get engaged. He got very upset and said “I was going to speak to BOTH of them next weekend when we’re down, but I can’t now!” I was so proud and happy that he’d decided to do this so soon, as he’s very shy around them. (We only come down together every few months)
He says he feels it will look like I’ve told him this…however they don’t even know about the ring, never mind that he’d be speaking to them about it! So now, it won’t happen for a few months, due to our jobs.
I don’t mind waiting, that isn’t the issue, it’s just upset me that he’d decided to do something that important (he won’t propose before this) then decide not to over something small.
I guess I am just venting. Has anyone else had anything similar? Please don’t slate our choice for him to “ask their permission”, I appreciate it’s not for everyone, but it is for him and my family, and it has to happen before we get engaged.
He also says he is upset that I would know about him speaking to them…however when we live 3 hours away, it isn’t going to be a complete surprise! I now feel bad as had I not said that one little sentence, it would be happening next week and a proposal by new year wouldn’t be impossible.
Sorry, rant over!
Post # 3
@LoveKurtGeiger: I voted ‘Yes chill out’ to your overreacting even though I wouldn’t have put it so bluntly lol!!!! Please don’t hate me!
I’m a southern girl in the USA…and it is ABSOLUTELY vital in my family that it’s done proper and permission is obtained. I think it’s a lovely move on a man’s part.
I’m thinking that your poor SO, who you mentioned was shy, was getting all built up in his head to ask not only your Dad but your Mom for persmission as well, and now that it feels like it’s something he ‘has to do’ he probably feels like there is all of this added pressure around the situation He’s probably thinking that now it DOES look like you told them…and you said you didn’t…but did your Mom just volunteer this out of nowhere? Seems like an odd thing for her to just say without any prompting at all, and I’m sure that’s what your SO is thinking right now.
You are soooo close to your future! I would just relax, chill out, and drop it! Maybe he doesn’t ask next weekend (You said because of jobs/etc, it wouldn’t be for months anyway), and so I would just let the pressure die down and if he does it great and if not I wouldn’t talk to my parents about it at all!!
Hang in there!
Post # 4
I said other. Don’t be pissed, don’t beat yourself up because you are.
He’s being weird. He’s a guy about to get engaged. Weird is the best word to describe all of them! So, he’s worried what it will look like if your parents think he’s asking because you told him to? He should be more worried about what your parents will think if he strings things along for another 4 months as you become more and more frustrated!
He’s just excited and nervous and wants to do everything perfectly. Unfortunately we tend to cut off our own noses to spite our faces when we get caught up in that. Just tell him you were teasing, would he please ask them next weekend, that it would make you very happy.
All men are different (kinda) but it seems that most women have luck not by rationalizing (mom doesn’t know I called you, I didn’t tell them about the ring) but by quietly asking and saying how happy it would make you. 10x more effective than logic when it comes to men in love. Stereotype is that men are logical. Not when it comes to love! Logic turns inside out and upside down to a man ready to propose marriage. But one thing you KNOW for a fact he wants right now is to make you happy.
I wouldn’t let it go. You want him to ask them next weekend. If you just go silent he won’t know how much it means to you and he won’t ask them. You’re going to spend the rest of you life learning how to gently coax him to do things he is being irratioinal and bullheaded about. Might as well start learning now.
Post # 5
@veryberry13: Thanks, I agree! I was really proud that he’d decided to do it so soon, and as my mum and dad have separated, that he’d even considered speaking to my mum too. (To be honest I’d never thought about it! My mum had just been speaking to me about SO, and asked if we had gotten any further with engagement chat. (She knows it’s been discussed, nothing else – SO said he wanted it to be a surprise) I said no, but it was still something we’d planned to do in the future. (Not an unusual conversation for me and my mum, but I appreciate SO doesn’t have these chats with his dad so maybe doesn’t understand.) I think she’s just mentioned it now because it’s important to her and she probably knew it’s not something I would have thought about. Clearly SO had, which I think is lovely.
@SomedaymrsWDS: You are right, I hadn’t thought about speaking to him in that way. He just knew I was upset, and although I could see where he was coming from, it’s not going to be a complete surprise,my mum especially knows we’re serious and my dad wasn’t born yesterday lol. It will be easier when I’m back home, I don’t like phone conversations.
I am so happy about everything and I hope I don’t sound ungrateful, I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself.
Post # 6
Just let it go and don’t bring it up again. I’m sure he’ll still do it as planned.
Post # 7
@LoveKurtGeiger: Don’t feel bad for how you feel! You’re excited and anxious the same way he is. And there’s nothing wrong with giving him the logical points you did over the phone. Letting them stew in some logic juice does make some inroads. It’s just not a call to action. If you want a behavor you have to ask for it, nicely, and with an incentive – it would make me so happy. Making you happy makes him feel like a man, providing for you emotionally, being your knight in shining armor. That’s why I dropped out of the shut it up pact after 3 days. I had been getting a little… shrill, shall we say? In the way I approached our engagement conversations so SIUP was a perfect choice for me. I just couldn’t do it. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life holding things in that I want to talk about just because he’s sick of hearing them. Do I have to shut it up when I want to have a baby and he isn’t ready yet? That’s a good way to be not pregnant. So I pulled out an old Rori Rae ebook and remembered about the “he wants to make you happy” theory. If you’re so demanding and shrill (um…me!) that he doesn’t believe he could make you happy if he tried, he won’t try. But the biggest problem is that we don’t calmly and clearly ask for what we want and directly link the request to it making you happy and that he (only he) can produce such joy in your eyes. OK, I’m getting man snarky so I’ll hang it up. But it works. He bought mine Monday, should be in by the 20th and if it’s not on my finger Christmas Eve or NYE at midnight I will have to point out how much it would mean for me if we moved forward now. Please, I’d be very very happy 🙂
Post # 8
@SomedaymrsWDS: Thanks for your reply, to cut another long story short (lol) we spoke, I said prety much what you said and since then he’s done/said things that have made me think he’ll go ahead with speaking to them, and possibly a proposal before 2014 : ) (Maybe…)
I’m glad I vented on here, and got some voices of reason!