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Hi bees,
So, in the past, I had been strongly opposed to living together before marriage. However, it was never really for moral or religious reasons. I simply didn't want to give my dude the pretty cake and let him eat it too. Example A: I have a very good friend that has been with her boyfriend for a little over eight years, and they've been living together for nearly four. When she recently brought up engagement, he simply stated: "We have a wonderful life together as is; why juggle the financial burden of engagement rings and wedding costs while we're still relatively young?" This, my dears, is my greatest fear.
I'm about to *officially* move in with my boyfriend - the same boyfriend that has gone ring shopping with me - the same boyfriend that talks of a 2010 engagement. It's funny - we had only been dating a month before the duplex my guy shared with friends soon became a storage unit and the apartment I was renting became the space we shared. In two whole weeks, we are moving into a bigger apartment, officially splitting bills, buying new furtniture and ditching my girls-only decorating schemes. I'm scared he's going to get comfy with our situation and diamond ditch.
What do you ladies think? Could living together delay engagement? Or do you actually think it speeds up the whole process?
For me it was actually the opposite. We were together for 5 years and then moved in together, 6 months later he proposed!!
I don't think it delays it, but that's based on my story. I moved in with my now fi August of last year. If anything it brought us closer, and made him realize more that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We got engaged in May!
But.. I do want to say that a lot of people 'warned' me that he would get too comfortable living with me and not pop the question---but he proved all those people wrong.
It depends on the relationship, I guess. My boyfriend and I are moving in together later on this summer as the next step toward an engagement for us. We are very open in talking about our relationship and our future and I have no concerns about it delaying our engagement. I'm actually on the opposite side of the whole issue though, I can't really imagine getting engaged to someone before you know what it's like to live together. I know people feel really strongly otherwise though, and I understand that. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are also really open and honest, so I don't really think you have anything to worry about. 
I don't know personally. I get confused. Sometimes I think it does, but sometimes it doesn't. I have a friend who lived with her boyfriend and their 3yr old son for 3 years before they got married. But in total, they were together for 8 yrs by the time they got married.
Maybe it did postpone a proposal and marriage a few years, but in my case I wasn't willing to move to another city and pay rent for a place that I likely wouldn't ever stay at more than a night or two a week.
Honestly, neither of us were ready for marriage for quite a few years. And the wedding was so much more expensive than either of us imagined, so having the extra time to save up really helped too.
It did make the idea of marriage much easier for both of us when we did finally become ready. We already knew that we will continue on with a great situation and didn't have to worry about what being around the other person 24/7 would be like.
You know, while I was waiting, I thought that us living together was delaying the proposal. We dated for about two years before buying a house together. There was an understanding that a ring would soon follow the house, but it took about ten months.
In retrospect, it wasn't the living together that was the problem. It was that he and I each had different definitions of soon! And I wasn't brave enough to talk to him about it for several months!
So I wouldn't worry about moving in together. Now I'm actually really glad we moved in together first. I had a bit of an adjustment period after living alone for so long and I would not have wanted to go through that right after getting engaged or married.
i was worried about that too when i moved in with my husband (then bf). we moved in together after 4 months of dating. he proposed after dating 11 months. i don't think it sped it up or slowed it down, i think we still got married when we were just ready.
I really think it depends on the relationship and what your expectations are and how you communicate them. I moved in with my fiance about 6 months before we got engaged but we had very frank discussions prior to that about getting married...but it wasn't really an issue because he'd already told me many times that he wanted to marry me.
But moving in together and getting married are not synonymous...it's important to make sure you are on the same page about this.
In my situation I am going to have to answer no. My FI was married before and I think that was what hindered him proposing early on. I think living together was important to me because people have gross habits-they fart, the burp, they pee on the toilet seat, etc. I wanted to know he and I could live happily together before we got married.
In my situation, YES! I won't get into details because I'll be typing for days haha....but for us - yes, yes, yes!!
I agree - very dependent on the relationship and where each of you are at with the whole marriage thing. I moved in with my bf and he proposed about 11 months later, after we had been together for 2 years and 3 months. The engagement for me was not delayed by moving in together, but rather happened when we both had talked about it and were ready for it. Yes, some people get comfortable and it may take a while for the engagement, but I think it is so case dependent that it is really hard to say one way or the other. I can say, though, that for me, I never had that fear and I knew he would not have asked me to move in just to see where it goes. We both knew at that time that we could see marriage in our future, but we were just not quite there yet.
I'm not sure I'd say living together delays engagement. Really, it's impossible to know since you can't know what would have happened if you had chosen the other path.
In my own case, we lived together 1.5 years before getting engaged. It was longer than I wanted to wait (by about 6 months), but, I can't say it would have been any sooner if I hadn't moved in. The delay was due to waiting for him to be mentally ready which I don't think had anything to do with the living situation. At the time I moved in, I was interested in engagement in the semi near future (he was well aware) but it wasn't urgent for me. If I had it to do over again, I'd still move in.
If your guy is fairly receptive (already ring shopping) and understands your general time frame, then I don't think you need to be worried. You would need to be a little concerned if he brushed off any wedding talk or was vague with you.
I'm another one for the 'living together doesn't delay engagement' - but our situation sounds slightly different than yours. We had been friends for ages beforehand and moved in together because I got a great job in another city and he opted to come with me (bless!). Neither of us ever intended ever getting married (especially him, he's a little... anti-tradition for tradition's sake) but once we moved in together I realised it was something that I really did want and 3 months later we were engaged :)
Good luck with everything. Maybe it is just worth having a conversation? (Not a 'propose in 2010 or else' talk... more a 'even though we are officially living together now, marriage is still something I want in our future...' talk)
Hope that helps
x
I don't think it's going to delay an engagement if you are planning on getting engaged already. Since you have a plan for the relationship, I don't think that moving in together will change it. But for couples who haven't talked about marriage, it could delay a proposal because the two aren't on the same page about their relationship and where they want to go.
I agree with the PPs who said that it depends more whether or not you're both on the same page about getting married. Moving in shouldn't change anything, but if you don't communicate your expectations and he doesn't communicate his, then you may end up feeling like you're 'waiting' for a proposal he doesn't know he's supposed to make.
I have yet to see anyone I know move in together and get engaged quickly. My Boy said it would speed it up if I moved in. I honestly don't know why it would speed it up. You would think it would speed it up if we don't see each other all the time?!
I don't believe him when he says it would happen faster if we lived together. I don't want to move in and deal with that and the anxiety of when he was going to propose at the same time because if he didn't do it within I'd say 2-3 months of me moving in I'd probably kill him.
Obviously just my 2 cents tho.
Living together in our situation did not delay the process but excelled it. We are almost forty and he was able to see that I really did care for hime and take care of him. He propose after about a year which I never expected.
I dont think it delays it, but like some others have said it really varies from couple to couple. If you guys are already ring shopping and talking about a 2010 engagement, then I wouldnt worry. I think there are some couples who decide that since they are already living together, that they would both rather wait until they are in a better place financially.
Since you guys have already talked about it, it sounds like he is planning to propose soon (especially if he specifically said 2010), if anything moving in together will just give a little time to adjust before being thrown into the stress of wedding planning. Moving in together usually creates some new challenges in a relationship, so at least you wont be dealing with it all at once. And negotiating what you both expect/appreciate in your new living situation should confirm that you are ready for marriage (not that you need confirmation, but still comforting to know for sure :)
Very early in our relationship during a random conversation about beliefs in general and not planning, I told now-FI then-BF that I would never live with a man again unless we were committed. I had cohabited with my last serious ex and got burned pretty badly when I had to move out and he kept most of MY furniture and then stiffed my mom money over the car she was selling him.
As the time passed and our relationship progressed, I knew we were talking about marriage seriously so I was more relaxed about being officially committed. My lease was up and I was moving into a new apartment in Aug 2009, and we agreed that it would be best for both of us for him to just move in with me. We'd been talking about engagement in a more "when" rather than "someday" fashion, so I wasn't worried about it. That summer, he told me we would go ring shopping on our anniversary, and he surprised me by proposing that same day, July 22. So we got engaged like a week before we moved in together!
Your situation sounds sort of similar to mine since we both stayed over at each others' places anyway before we moved in. I hope he proposes soon, and I wouldn't worry about it too much. Enjoy this exciting new time together. Moving in is stressful and even if you've stayed together before that, there is so much adjusting!
I think your concerns are very valid. Those were my exact fears before living wth my now fiance'.
However, I think if both peple address what their expectations are for living together and make them very clear, then there should be no problems.
My fiance' was always very adamant about wanting to live with the girl he wanted to marry before getting engaged. I had my fears, but I also made it abundantly clear that I wasn't willing to just live together long term. We lived together 11 months befre he proposed. During these months, we took very clear steps towards getting engaged.
Recently, he said that getting engaged would've taken a lot longer if we hadn't lived together. I disagree, privately. But he had said repeatedly that it was important. I think it really comes down to making your intentions clear and being honest with each other about your long term expectations.
I say no, but also feel each relationship is unique in its own self and it really depends on what ground your relationship is in prior to moving in. My DH and I moved in after 3 mths of dating. We lived togethor 2 yrs prior to engagement but I knew that it be awhile and I wanted to see how we were togethor first. He was single for a year prior to meeting me after a previous engagment that went to hell. So while we discussed marriage from the moment of getting serious we knew we wanted to take our time. Also I must say, living togethor prior to marriage has made us have a BETTER marriage. We do not fight about stupid stuff such as chores or money or schedules bc that was worked out a long time ago. Everyone is different, but I will be a pro living togehtor first for my future children. You really do learn about someone on a whole new level while shacking up.
I'm not sure, i guess it depends on the guy. We have been together for 5 years, living together for one. He has the ring but has not yet proposed. I think that if you and your BF have a conversation about expectations then there shouldnt be any kind of delay.
I hope evrything works out well.
I agree with lolaj, it depends on the guy. My guy is the type of person who think throroughly through things before making a decision and he never goes back on his word. I have known him for ten years together for almost four and i never doubted we were going to get engaged even though we've been living together for almost two years now.
he proposed after a year and we're getting married next year. only you know your guy! good luck girlie!
Personally, I think that it does delay it. Why propose when you're already living like you are married? I lived with my FI for 2 years before he proposed. When some really aweful neighbors moved in upstairs and we started looking for a new place, there was no way I was going to sign another lease with him without an engagement ring. We were engaged before we moved in to the new place :)
I don't think our moving in together has set us back as much as the economy has. I feel like if a couple is on the same page, then no delay is unexpected.
I think the ONLY thing that can delay engagement is if the guy doesn't really love you and/or does not believe in marriage.
I think it delays an engagement! I think that boyfriends with intentions of eventually proposing sometimes use it as a way of delaying an engagement. If you have a timeline, make sure he is aware of it and stick to your guns!
I would agree with PP that it all depends on your own relationship, your expectations for marriage, and how clearly those expectations are communicated to one another. I moved in with FI 10 months after we started dating, got engaged 2 months later, and now we're getting married in 5 days. But we were talking about getting married from about 6 months into dating.
I think some of those stereotypes about how "living together before marriage increases your chance at divorce" because frequently, couples who live together for a long time will get married because it's the "next step" vs. really knowing whether or not it's the right thing to do.
I hate to sound noncommittal...but it depends.
Based on my friends' experiences, I would say it does tend to delay engagements, But it's so hard to say, because how do you really know if it might not have taken the guy just as long to propose if they hadn't lived together. it does seem like the friends I know who have lived with their boyfriends have dated longer before an engagement, but I could be wrong.
In my case, the first time, my boyfriend brought up living together and I told him there was no way I could do that -- my parents would have killed me! Within an hour, he asked me to marry him. He said he wanted to live together first to see how it would be, but if I wasn't comfortable with that, then he wanted to get married. His attitude was that he would do whatever it took to be with me. I do think marriage was always in the back of his mind; me being unwilling to live together just moved it up from Plan B to Plan A.
With my current husband, we never planned to live together. He just stayed over at my house more and more often. Occasionally, he'd bring some clothes and leave them, and then bring a few more things...and after a few months he was really living there (though he kept his own house). However, I think living together actually sped up the engagement, because once he realized we were actually living together, he proposed. He said it didn't feel right to just live together. We set a date for a church wedding about nine months in the future, but then ended up doing a courthouse wedding much sooner -- again because he didn't good about living together and not being married (though premarital sex never seemed to bother him lol). We now are legally married and planning our church wedding.
So go figure...I will never understand men...
I think communication is the key. My now husband and I had estabilshed early on that marriage and kids were both things we wanted and it was silly after a certain time dating to continue dating if we weren't on that path.
We had a lot of growing up to do and for us moving in allowed us to grow together, save money but not jump into marriage before we felt ready. Now at a certain point when one person feels ready and the other person doesn't I think you have a difficult decision to make but I think that happens whether living together or not.
I think it depends on the couple. Communication is key. We were both up front about what we wanted. When he and I were dating and living separately, he said he wanted to live together prior to getting engaged. I agreed with that, but also told him that I wouldn't wait forever to get engaged, and that I did not want to be one of those couples where cohabitating somehow takes the place of being engaged. He agreed. We made settlement on our house November 21, 2008. We were engaged December 19, 2008- less than one month later. :)
I think the problem is that people assume that living together means the same thing to everyone. If you've talked before hand about what living together means to each of you (is it something you're doing because you're about to get engaged, is it to decide if you're right for each other because you'd never get engaged before living together, is it because you're serious and tired of paying 2 rents but not necesarily ready to get engaged, etc) then I don't think living together should change that. The situations where I've seen problems are when the topic of moving in together comes up, and the woman moves in thinking "great! he must be ready to propose any minute now, because why else would we be moving in together" and starts waiting for a ring without saying anything. Meanwhile the guy is thinking "great! now we live together and get to see each other all the time" but hasn't tied moving in together to marriage at all. So now the woman's perspective on the relationship has changed, and the man thinks things are still going the same as before. If you've talked and are on the same page now about what you both want re: marriage, and agree on the timelines (which it sounds like you are), then moving in together shouldn't change it. And if you've already started an open conversation about how you're both feeling regarding marriage, then if things do change, you should be able to talk about it more easily.
I dont think it delays it at all. But I also dont think living together is a "big step" I think every relationship is different and sometimes the guy still needs to grow up a little or be more financially stable before he is ready to be engaged.
Sometimes if the girl doesnt voice her opinion about wantting to be engaged he has no idea and thinks everything must be find if its not been brought up. My boss's sister and her bf have been together 38 years and have no plans on ever being married.
FI & I lived together 2.5ish years before getting engaged and it was by far more about the money then anything else. FI has bills and didnt have the money for a ring nor could he understand why he was "supposed" to spend so much. We ended up finding a ring that was less then half of our "budget"
I made it clear up front while we were dating that I would only live with a guy if we were engaged or very soon to be engaged. We moved in together over Thanksgiving weekend 2009 and got engaged three weekends later!
Definitely communicate with your guy that marriage is the end goal and that you love him and want to build a life with him. If you need it to happen in a certain timeframe, I would suggest you gently let him know that is what you need. And then let it go - don't nag. Just trust in him.
If you two have open communication, I think you'll know if his intentions are true. I have learned over time and many broken hearted moments that I have to trust my gut - if it says that something isn't ringing true than it usually is right and I need to address it. Communication is key!
Good luck and have fun!
I think it depends on the relationship and the people involved. FI and I both knew that, assuming we stayed together, the relationship would lead to marriage. We just wanted the experience of living together before to confirm our belief that the relationship would last.
Moving in was a seamless transition for us. We didn't have the growing pains that some couples complain of. After about a month of living together we began to seriously talk about marriage. We moved in together in July and were engaged in October. So it definitely didn't delay anything with us!
Not necessarily. Now, if a couple moves in together and things are rocky, SURE, it could delay a proposal. It could feel like "not the right time" for either couple. Nobody wants to get engaged when you are sorting through issues. And everybody konws living together brings those issues up, especially if they were never there before. So they can cause some doubt and I see how it COULD delay a proposal. However, on the flip side, I'm sure many people LOVE living together and it just accelerates a proposal. this has been the case for all of my friends.
When ultimatums are involved, though, i feel like rings end up on peoples' fingers faster. And of the people I PERSONALLY know, they're also divorced.
Basically i feel like there are no clear cut answers for ANYBODY and you just have to look at yourself, your FI, and talk about it. Even if we'd lived together and it delayed our engagement, i feel like, "so what?!" we're together, we're happy, I wouldn't have minded waiting another year if that's what we needed. It's hard to say.
I didn't find it hindered it at all... we moved in together really early on in our relationship, and it helped us grow together. What will be will be. Just go with it, and if you're really afraid, talk to him about it :)
I don't think living together delays engagment. My SO and I have been together three years next month and living together for two years this September. Were not getting engaged anytime soon not because his comfy but because I haven't graduated college yet. Once I graduate next dec and get a job then I think he'll actually think more about proposing. We also both wanted to have been dating four or five years before we get married. In short I think it all depends on the couple and their beliefs.
i think it completely depends on the person, the relationship, the individual and shared values.
for us, i think it will speed it up (we're not engaged yet though). Interestingly enough, after we moved into together, SO made a comment like "now that we're living together i dont' want to go more than a year or so without being engaged... i want to make you an honest woman" I definitely laughed a little cause it was an out of character comment for him, but i respected it at the same time.
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