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so, my SO said he wanted an IPAD for Christmas. I said "sure no problem...are you going to let me use it?" He said "No...it is just going to be mine...it is a one person thing".
I am very big on sharing and I was offended about this. He doesn't have a working computer, and hasn't had one for about a year, and he uses my laptop more than I do and I never once complained about it. If he is on it and I want to use it I wait my turn. To be honest, it hurt my feelings to know that he wouldn't be the same way.
I told him that and he said "why are you getting on me about this, I just got you a nice gift last week (for our anniversary, which he got a nice gift too)" I said those are two different things and he can have the necklace back if he is going to use it as a reason.
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I don't necessarily think you're in the wrong for feeling this way, but I wouldn't make this into such a big deal. After the fact, I'm sure he'll let you use his ipad. It's going to be a really nice gesture when you get it for him, that's all that matters.
wow, while i definitely think it's ok to have some things that are "just yours" i really don't like his over all attitude. I guess because I'm like you and I share everything.
I understand why you are upset about his reaction but really your usage of his present shouldn't dictate whether you get it for him or not... that would be selfish!
I am sure once the novelty wears off he will not be so possessive and he will let you use it!
i dont feel you are wrong to expect him to share but in our home, my laptops are mine and hubbys laptops are his - we really dont share them because they have different settings/favs etc
IF i said honey i need your computer i know he would let me but i also know he would be grumbling because im taking up his time/stopping him from doing stuff
Ooh, I'm torn.
Yes, I think it's selfish - an Ipad isn't a cheap present, and you're in a couple - isn't sharing something which should be happening anyway?
At the same time, a gift is a gift, I suppose. Maybe he feels like by you asking him if you can use it from time to time, it's less of a gift for him and more of a regular couple's present? I dunno.
Perhaps he thought that by you asking you were implying that it would be joint gift rather than a gift for him? Perhaps he was frustrated that he had purchased a nicec gift for you and as soon as he asks for something for Christmas he felt you were trying to claim partial ownership already (depsite just receiving something).
Is there a chance it was a misunderstanding like that? The only reason this came to mind was because he said "it's a one person thing." Gave me the feeling he didn't take it as sharing once in a while but that it wouldn't be his gift it would be yours and his gift.
I don't think you're being selfish at all. It's completely reasonable to want to be able to use something nice of your SO's like that. And I hate hate hate when someone throws gifts back in your face and almost uses them against you like, "I just bought you this, you now you have to buy something nice for me." Drives me nuts.
ETA: Wait, I think I misunderstood. Here: You're not being selfish for wanting to be able to use the iPad if you buy him one. He is being pretty selfish for saying no outright and then throwing the necklace back in your face.
btw, for the record - hubby isnt allowed to use my kitchenaid mixer, bessemer pans or pro knives, if he tried i would tackle him to the ground to stop him - there are some things a spouse shouldnt mess with :)
@Future Mrs. Martin: I never said I wouldn't get it for him.
I am upset because:
1. He uses my laptop more than I do, and I never once complained or refused him usage.
2. He pretty much said I got you a nice gift, stop complaining.
To be honest, I am not a big fan of jewelery and he knew it, so the fact that he threw it in my face, ANNOYED me.
I think he's being selfish, but like PPs said, I'm sure the novelty will wear off in a while and he'll be more likely to share. I also agree that knowing that he doesn't want to share it shouldn't be a reason not to get it for him (it is a gift for him, afterall).
But, I know myself, and the first time after he has his iPad that he asks to use my computer, I'd snatch it away and say that it's mine, sooooooory (deadstare). Mr.ND would get that he was being rather silly with that comment 'it's my iPad only' comment, and it'd blow over and he'd be more friendly with sharing.
@claireos: He got a nice gift too...anniversary and christmas are two seperate occasions, so I thought it was a jerk move to bring it up.
I don't know, I always share and I never think twice about it.
Sounds like he's kind of being a brat, although I can understand wanting to have something really nice for yourself. And I can see where the other bees are coming from as far as thinking you were trying to edge in on his gift before he could even get it.
My fi used to be like this with his car and once I finally got past the tantrum, he explained it was the last thing he really had that was all his, everything else we shared it just took him a bit to get over it and now I have it more than he does.
@aicila: I understand they are 2 separate occassions. But the specific holidays aside - is there a chance he thought you were implying it would be a joint gift? If there is no way he thought it was a joint gift, then yeah, that was a jerky move on his part.
@NDBee: I thought about buying an IPad for myself before christmas and saying "mine", so he can see how it feels lol.
He is also like that with food, and got told a thing or two last week about not asking if I wanted a french fry when he went to McDonalds and didn't even bother to ask if I wanted anything.
@claireos: he knows...it is suppose to be a birthday/christmas gift.
Now that I think about it, I use to let him bring my Ipod to work :/
Well it doesn't seem like much of a gift if the second he asks for it you ask if you're going to be able to use it too, it's not really so much a gift for him if it's actually for both of you. Kinda like if I wanted to buy my husband a movie and I purposely bought one that I wanted to see, to me that kind of takes away some of the good spirit and intentions of buyin a gift for someone. It seems like a fairly petty thing to be offended about, in my opinion. You're right that the gift he got you has nothing to do with it, but neither does the laptop!
Are you possibly more annoyed about not liking the gift of jewelry than about the iPad? It seems like you're probably mad about one thing and kinda shifting it over to something else...that's just a guess, I do it myself sometimes. Because the iPad is no big deal. He'll probably share it once he has it, but I know I'd be annoyed if I told DH what gift I would like and he immediately asked if he would be able to use it to - it's a gift for me, not him, so what should that matter?
@aicila: sounds like my hubby in a way. hes "im going on vacation", no honey its "us" i say or he says my house or "im going to ABC this weekend", no honey "we" are.
he once told me that as the eldest he had to share everything so he decided as an adult its all about him - but hes never mean about it, just occasionally thoughtless
I think you should *calmly* tell him how you feel about him not wanting to share the ipad even though you always share your laptop. If he talks about the necklace don't tell him that you don't really like jewelry or that he can take it back just remind him that you also got him something nice. You are not being selfish and I think he will be more reasonable when you have a calm talk about it.
@aicila: I think we may be misunderstanding each other. Does he know that it's a joint gift as in a Christmas/B-day gift or does he think it's a joint gift as in a gift for you and him?
@Wonderstruck: well, yeah but if you got a movie wouldn't you expect to watch it with him too? or would you be banned to another room while he wantched it because it was "his" some gifts can be shared, there is nothing wrong with that. If he asked for a new flat screen tv, would she not be allowed to watch it either?
@Wonderstruck: I am not displacing my anger.
I understand that I gift is a gift. However, I share everything and he does not. It hurts that after all this time, he wouldn't let me use something. It hurts that he wouldn't ask me if I want a french fry. It hurts that he said I gave you jewlery stop complaining. I have plenty of jewelry and I generally only wear my mothers and I barely wear any. Its the fact he uses both my laptops and Ipod and I never once said anything.
Its the fact that I make sure he gets whatever I have, and at times he get the better version of what I have.
@Lee_Ann: If it was something I liked, yes, and he does watch the flat panel I got myself. But that's not the point at all - the point is that it isn't much of a gift if you'll only buy it if he's willing to share. Yeah, if she actually gives it to him and wants to borrow it every now and then that's fine, if he has a problem with that I'd be annoyed too. But I doubt he would really care, I think that him saying no was just a knee-jerk reaction to the fact that when he told her what he wanted she immediately asked if she'd be able to use it too. Even if it isn't what she meant, it's like saying she'll only buy him the gift she wants if it's really a joint gift for the wo of them - which isn't much of a gift for him at all. You don't buy people nice things because you'll benefit from it too - you do it to make them happy and get them something nice. That's always my intent when I'm Christmas shopping, anyways.
@aicila: Maybe you should re-read your last post, it sure does sound like you're displacing your anger to me. it sounds like this is about a LOT more than an ipad.
I've always been raised that nothing is mine and nothing is yours, it is ours. I don't think he was raised the same way. I think we were raised differently.
@aicila: It sounds like this is bigger than him not wanting to share his future Christmas gift with you. Sounds like he has a little bit of a selfish attitude. Besides you being annoyed with the food issue. Have you talked to him about the fact that he's welcome to use your things but you feel he doesn't extend the same to you? Have you told him that it just feels like there is a lack of consideration coming from his side of the table? Does this extend to all his possessions? Is he particular about you touching any of his things?
but she never said that was the only way she'd buy it. she didn't say "sure i'll buy it, but only if i get to use it too" now that's wrong.
I know what displacement of anger is... I am a psychologist. I am angry that he doesn't share even though I share with him. Period.
He was like that with the house when I moved in . I
put my foot down and told him I would move out and he calmed down a lot.
Has he explained why he so protective of his possessions and why its so hard for him to share?
I'm blown away that you immediately asked him if you'd be able to use his Christmas present. I don't think he's being selfish, a present for him is not a present for you. If my FI did that to me I'd honestly be hurt like it wasn't really a present for me but an excuse to get himself something he wanted. It's your decision to let him use your laptop, if you're this upset about it just say no.
I also have to agree with Aure the timing was a little bad, sharing problem or no sharing problem. I'd be lying if it wouldn't rub me the wrong way and make me think the gift was being given just because the giver wanted in on my gift.
@Aure: actually this has been a conversation that has been going on at least since July and has been recurring since the Ipod 4s came out. This was the first time I ever mentioned using it.
It wasn't like I said "I will get up an Ipad only if I can use it". He will get his Ipad, but I will get my own.
I even offered to get it for him for our anniversary...and he said he wanted it for X-Mas.
@Aure: I agree.
And if you are indeed a psychologist this seems like something you should be able to talk to him about - not the ipad, seriously just don't even bring it up because you've prety much said that's not really what this is about and that it is bigger than that (which confuses me, you say you're not displacing anger but then you say it's about more than the ipad - very contradictory so it makes it harder to give you any advice), but the fact that you're feeling hurt over feeling like he doesn't give and share as much as you.
But it does sound like you two need to find a middle ground here - he wants to keep posessions separate, and you think absolutely everything should be both of yours. I'm sure you can agree to compromise and have some things that are important to him that are just his and he does not have to share, while the other items can be things he starts thinking of more as joint posessions, and maybe just being more considerate in general. But there is nothing wrong with not sharing everything - I never touch my husband's guitar and he knows to never change any settings on my home theater equipment, that's just how we are.
I don't think you're selfish, but I would have to hear all the details of how you asked to use it. When I bought my husband an ipad I just sort of assumed I would be allowed to play with it. It blows my mind he would say no. I guess some people are used to having their things- I've always been accustomed to sharing my cool toys, you know?
@aicila: I still don't understand why you'd mention using it at all. It's his Christmas present, not something that you're jointly buying.
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