(Closed) Do you think we’re rushing?

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think there is anything wrong with making an official commitment or whatever it is you consider being “engaged”. Just make sure your both on the same page and you get things steady and on track before you tie the knot ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

Yes. If you truly feel mature and prepared to be married, you wouldn’t need to ask the question.

Post # 5
Member
8884 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Only you truly know if this is the right decision. I don’t see any problem with you being engaged at 18. Just take time to plan the wedding and make sure it’s what you want. If it IS what you want, then other people’s opinions won’t matter to you ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@hisgoosiegirl:  I agree with this.

Personally, I think it depends on how you view an engagement. I’ll be honest, when I see very young people get engaged without any set plan of a wedding other than “someday,” I can be a little judgmental. I don’t see how getting engaged is any different than dating if you are not actively planning on getting married in the next few years or at least making serious preparation for the wedding (pre-planning, saving money, reserving venues, etc.).

I am now a senior in college and my fiance and I just got engaged. When I was about the graduate high school, I had been with him for about three years, so it’ll be nearly 8 years that we’ve been together when we get married next spring.

Unless you have religious convictions coming into play, I don’t think there is any good reason to rush into engagement/marriage. Also, I am not going to assume that you are not the exception, because I was myself, but I will caution you about being so sure about a relationship at such a young age.

I am a resident assistant at a college, and many of my residents come in with long-term significant others. MANY of these couples don’t last, and some have been together as long as you and your boyfriend have. Also, out of all of the couples I knew who were engaged in high school, only one is still together, and I’m pretty sure they ended up postponing the engagement/marriage though they had initially wanted to get married because she was pregnant.

Some couples grow and change together, and some don’t. In my case, my fiance and I both grew into ourselves and became more social while continuing to have the same core values that make a couple compatible. You can be very compatible but if you do not have the same vision for a life together (kids vs. no kids, etc.), no amount of love can prevent one of you from having to compromise on something of central importance, and a lot of couples split because of this. I think that it is wise to wait until you both spend some time apart and in college before you decide to make this sort of commitment. Just because you are mature for your age does not mean that you are finished growing and changing.

However, I cannot pretend to know how you feel and you could be right about this decision.

Post # 7
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Why do you want to get engaged so soon? Your whole life is going to change in college, I suggest you wait a few years. I’m not saying you guys are going to break up because you sound like you’re solid. It’s just that IMO, it’s much better to have a long relationship and a short engagement than the other way around. If you’re not planning your wedding, what’s the point of being engaged? If it’s just to solidify your comitment, are you worried that things will change when you’re in college and you want to feel more secure? Most young bees here have dated their SO’s for 5 + years before getting engaged. What’s the rush? 

Post # 8
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

On top of what PP’s have mentioned I’m not sure how long your engagement will be. If you feel you are ready and that this is right for you then stand your ground with your family as long as the two of you are able to support yourselves. If you are having a longer engagement (waiting until a few years into college or after graduation) to tie the knot that will probably help any relatives who think you are rushing. 

Post # 9
Member
1677 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@hisgoosiegirl:  and @AlwaysSunny:  I agree.

I married my DH young, so I am certainly not against it in all cases. We lived together for 2 years before getting married, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. We learned so much about each other from that experience. Living together worked for us, but it doesn’t for all couples. Unfortunately, a lot of people are already married before they find this out. If it were me, I would wait, live together for a little while, and make sure you are 100% sure. Breaking up is hard, but I’m sure ending an engagement is even worse. I agree with hisgoosiegirl, if you have to ask if you are rushing, you likely are. This isn’t something you should do if you aren’t certain it is right. 

Post # 10
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MsPoodles:  I second the living together. I never thought I would (for religous reasons). We did eventually end up living together though and I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. I’ve been with my FI since we were 16 and we will be married at the age of 23. We went through a lot of rough things that helped me see what my FI and I would be like in trying situations. Even learning to deal with small day to day things can be a shock for some people. The way people fold laundry, load a dishwasher, and other habits can irritate you like you never thought they could.

I can say that after having to house my sister and seeing FI laid off twice in the course of living together that I believe we can stand the test of time. Living together may or may not be right for you. Either way you should both be able to support yourselves out of your parents home for a time prior to the marriage. We’ve been living on our own for about 4 years now and it’s a lot tougher than I thought it would be. 

Post # 11
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

As someone who started dating their FI in high school, I suggest you wait until after your freshman year of college to get enaged. We waited until after my Junior year of college, but I think we were ready by the end of my Freshman year of college. A lot changes during your first year of school. But by all means get an apartment together. FI and I lived together before getting engaged and it was an eye opener. We’ve been together for 5 years (1 of that engaged) and we’re getting married in little under a year and a half. We didn’t do much planning during the first 9 months of the engagement, so it was like dating with a ring. Which is tough, because you want to plan, but its just too early until you’re about 1.5 years from the wedding date. I know a lot of couples who got engaged straight of of high school, and only one of them has “made it”. (Actually, they’re getting married June 2013, and have a 4 year total engagement.) Having the ring is nice, but I would strongly reccomend completing some college before making the engagement official. You don’t need to be engaged to decide to grow together as a couple.

Also, I know its a silly show, but people engaged in high school make me think of Secret Life of the American Teenager. You want to take it seriously, but its difficult to watch such young people make so many adult decisions and live with so many adult consequences. Oh and in case you were wondering, I’m 21, and go to a school in an area where people commonly get engaged at the end of HS/beginning of college.

Post # 12
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I don’t think asking a question automatically means not being ready for something. I’d argue that weighing one’s options is more mature than making a capricious decision.

I got engaged to my high school sweetheart at 18 and we married at 21. I won’t say 17 is too early, since it is, after all, an engagement. It sounds like you would plan on having a longer engagement, which I would recommend. But honestly, you know your relationship better than anyone else, and that’s more important than my opinion or anyone else’s. Good luck and God bless ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 13
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

As long as you have a mature, caring and loving relationship full of understanding and mutual respect I think age is just a number. It is about the quality of your relationship and think young love is a beautiful thing

Post # 14
Member
827 posts
Busy bee

I would wait, personally.

One thing that stuck out for me…you say “I know I am marrying this boy”…do you view him as a boy?  Or do you view him as a man?  Men get married, but boys do not.  Maybe you didn’t mean anything by it, but personally, I found that the way I referred to my fiance in writing actually did reflect how I felt about him and how ready I felt he was for marriage.  I went from referring to him as “my boy” or “my guy” to referring to him as “my man.” 

Post # 15
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

I would wait. I dated a guy for 3 years in hs+ a little of undergrad and obviously that went sour. Things change and people change. If you feel ready and mature enough to handle this (same with him) go for it.. what’s the worst that can happen?

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