Post # 1
I am very curious about what everyone’s opinions on this are. It’s something that I’ve been contemplating lately, especially since I’ve noticed a couple of threads recently where this issue has come up.
Do you think that you have to be completely, totally 100% sure that someone is the right person for you, to marry them? Or do you think, say, 95% sure is a perfectly acceptable level of confidence? Where is the cutoff for you if you don’t think 100% sure is necessary– is it 99%? 95%? 80% sure? Tell me why you think so. 🙂
I’m not going to say what I think for the sake of an unbiased conversation about this. 🙂
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
I said 99% because, well, can you ever know for certain? BUT I think that if you ever have any doubt, it’s time to rethink the engagement/proposal, because it is usually there for a reason!
Post # 5
I would say mostly mostly sure- 95% or more. Personally, I am the type of person who is never quite sure about everything- I just pick the best option and run with it. But I’m not married, so my opinion doesn’t necessarily count haha. A bee posted awhile back on one of those threads where the OP wasn’t quite sure if her fi was right for her- she said that she made the decision to choose her FI and her marriage counselor thought it was a very healthy attitude because marriage esp down the road is about choices as much as love. I try to keep that in mind.
Post # 6
@kgirl91: I like the thing you said about making a conscious choice about it. That is a very wise thing to say, and to keep in mind, and reminds me of a conversation I was actually having with a friend earlier today– that it is important to allow yourself to mull things over and make conscious choices about your life. 🙂
I am super curious about the person/people who voted 90% or less. I would love to know their reasoning, because that, as far as I know, is a pretty unusual opinion on the matter.
Post # 7
I read once that you don’t have to be 100% sure that this is the right person to marry, just 100% sure that you will try.
I tend to agree with this. I am a questioner by nature so there are fleeting moments where I wonder if FI and I will last forever and what I can do to ensure that our relationship stays good. But I think this is a good thing actually, it means that I’m not just going into it assuming it will all be ok, but acknowledging that relationships have to be nurtured and some times will be happier than others.
Post # 8
Hard question. You can be 100% sure and still be 100% wrong.
As long as they’re honest, faithful, and completely in love with you, I think you’ve got a great shot at a happy marriage.
I’ll have to think about this.. I might have to come back and edit.
Post # 9
It’s really hard to separate what it means to be “sure about a person” and what it means to love a person despite their flaws….. Because 100% sure gives off an impression that there is nothing that scares you or irritates you, at least in my book. So I wouldn’t say 100%.
I would say that I love my SO despite his flaws. I’m flawed too. It just so happens our flaws compliment each other pretty well. I’d give it 95-97%. I would say that whole “choice” thing covers the rest.
Post # 10
I would say be 100% sure. If there is any doubt…any at all, don’t get married.
Divorces are costly. Emotionally and in terms of legal costs.
From personal experience, I’d encourage anyone with doubts to really think the situation through.
Post # 11
Our ceremony (which I wrote myself, so that shows how I feel) had a large section on how marriage is a choice and love is a choice and you have to choose to love a person each and every day over and over again to make a successful marriage. My parents, who have seriously the happiest most loving marriage I’ve ever seen for the past 31 years also said in their toast that they were surprised that was in the ceremony (they didn’t read it beforehand) because the advice they were going to give us in their toast was that love is a choice and it takes work and you have to sometimes actively choose to love.
Post # 12
@Lollybags: Yes, very interesting point. I like this.
@BookishBelle: I really like the idea of having the thing about loving being a choice over and over being in the ceremony! That is so cool!
Post # 13
I voted 90%-95% as my threshold because I think all of those tiny, unimportant but noticeable differences can add up when taking such a huge question into consideration. For instance, we really differ on the kind of music we love. Luckily, there is some common ground plus we’re both pretty tolerant (to a point) of listening to music we don’t like. Also, he doesn’t LOVE to read as much as I do nor is he as fast a reader. We have other shared interests, though, so that fills the shared-reading void a bit. I know these things seem so inconsequential, and for the most part they are. Still, I think it’s important to understand our differences to be able to choose to see past them.
There are, however, some huge potential differences that I think trump the percentages. If, for example, we were almost exactly the same in terms of likes/dislikes, hobbies, tastes, etc, but he did not want children while I did, then it wouldn’t work. If I was 99% sure about him except for that one issue, we wouldn’t be engaged. Hopefully my rambling answer makes sense!
ETA: I guess part of answering the question centers around how the percentages are determined. FI pointed out that the huge differences are weighted differently than the smaller ones. After all, could I be 99% sure that someone is right for me when taking into account the no-kids thing? Probably not. In fact, it would make the percentage closer to zero. It’s an interesting thought exercise though.
Post # 14
Very interesting question! I think you have to be sure about the person. If you have doubts about their character or your compatibility in a relationship or dissimilar goals/lifestyles, I’d peace out girl scout! BUT, that being said, I think it’s OK to not be 100% sure about variables/situations.
For example: my FI and I have been together since high school. We’re each other’s first and only! I adore him and know that even had I met him later in life we’d get married. But sometimes (due to my own insecurity and not his behavior or words!) I am worried that he’ll have a midlife crisis and be like AHHH I SHOULD HAVE DATED AND SLEPT AROUND WHEN I WAS STILL YOUNG and run off with his secretary or something crazy like that. I don’t actually think he will, of course, but life changes people sometimes!
For a different example: if two people get engaged/married without living together first, they might be 100% certain about the person but not that they are compatible living together and that’s okay.
I agree eight thousand billion percent with the PP who said you have to know you’re 100% willing to try to make it work! That’s the important part to me!
Post # 15
Ooh this is a tough one. I think I have to go with 99% sure – at least for myself. I don’t think I’m ever 100% sure about anything. I love my FH and want to spend the rest of my life with him. So 99% sure is as close as I think I can ever personally get to 100%.
I love what the PPs have said about choices, and consciously choosing to love someone and be with them.
Post # 16
I was 100% sure about exH, and yet here I am about to marry someone else.
@Lollybags: I love that quote. That’s what was missing from my first marriage.