Post # 1
I am undecided on this and figured I would ask others how they feel/ for any advice!
My SO and I have been dating 3.5 years, and I know the proposal is coming within a year. He is 35 and an encore groom, I am 26 and have been engaged (but not married) before. Due to our careers, we have both moved a lot over the past few years – both together, and in opposite directions. We finally moved in together 2 years ago, and bought a house last summer.
We both travel frequently for work, and are rarely home on weekends. My parents live 2 hours away from us, and my dad travels one week a month as well. All this means that we see my parents maybe once every 6 weeks. I’m embarrassed to say this, but my parents and I just aren’t that close at this point in our lives. We mean the world to each other, but I am very independent and they know this. I don’t think they would be surprised if my SO didn’tspeak to me prior to proposing. However, they are very traditional, and may be upset at first (I’m confident they will be ecstatic about the engagement).
That being said, my SO did ask for the blessing of his first wife’s family prior to asking. My first fiancé spoke with my father before as well. My father told him no (long story, we were not even dating when he asked, so my family was just as shocked as I was… I wish he had listened to my dads response).
My SO asked me if I want him to ask my parents first, and I can’t decide how I feel about it. I know they will be happy and say yes, but I don’t know if it’s the right thing for ‘us’… For instance, my father didn’t come see our house until 10 months after we bought it. Part of me likes the romantic concept of asking my parents, but the other feels like its unnecessary – our parents trust us and respect our decisions as adults.
Post # 3
I’ve been trying to get my head around this one as well. In my head, if the roles were reversed, I owuld dread doing something like this and would be a bag of nerves- so it wouldn’t bother me if he didn’t do it because I would totally understand. However, if he was able to go through that for me (and my parents, because I know that they would really appreciate the gesture) then I know I would think it was one of the most loving things he could do.
Post # 4
Hey and welcome.
I think it is important to you. I don’t think it would hurt if your SO asked your for your parent’s blessing. It would make your family happy and thats good for everyone down the road. It’s a blessing, not permission. It’s a show of respect to the people who raised you.
It couldn’t hurt
Post # 5
No and purely because I’m 34. I can see why it seems important to younger women but honestly I think it’s an age thing.
Post # 6
If you’re living your independent adult lives and successfully making all your own decisions, I can see how it would feel unnatural to ask parents for permission. FI and I are 24 and even at this age I think it would feel silly for everyone involved if he went and asked. We have a house together, the jig is up.
Post # 7
Together almost 6 years, living together for 3… Nah. He doesn’t need to do that at all. We’re so not traditional in most senses.
Post # 8
Maybe instead of asking him for permission or whatnot, just giving your dad a head’s up and asking for his blessing would be more appropriate in your case? I think that would be fair. My FI is def asking my dad before we get engaged and there are reasons why I could see he would not (too long to list), but I really like the idea and I think it’s nice to give the parents a head’s up, even if you are adults and far along in the relationship, like you two are.
Post # 9
@futuremrsk18: I really hope my SO has the common sense to ask my dad. I know it isn’t nessisary but it would mean the world to him. and I mean, THE WHOLE WORLD
Post # 10
I like this option too. You are an independent adult and you don’t need your father’s permission! But a heads up/ blessing is a great solution. It makes your family feel included in this special time of your lives, and makes your SO look like a great guy.
Post # 11
@Sapphire-Dreamer: then just tell him! drop it in a hint somehow – do you have any siblings that are engaged/married? tell him about how their FIs/DHs asked your dad and he loved it or didn’t ask your dad and he was upset about it. Don’t have siblings? What about friends who had their FIs ask their dads? Mention that and say how your dad would love that, too. Or, just straight out tell him that your dad is traditional and it would mean the world to him (and thus to you) if he asked your dad before proposing to you.
Post # 12
Absolutely yes – as a sign of respect to your parents. I don’t know if it’s so much “permission” but courtesy. Why not start your FH and your parents relationship on the right foot. Think forward to when you have a daughter, wouldn’t you want her FH to speak with your husband and you as a symbol of respect? What can it hurt to do so, even if it’s a phone call. Best wishes!
Post # 13
@Sa7208: Well, my personal opinion is that you should encourage/allow your SO to ask your father for his blessing. Although, at this stage of your life, this is primarily a symbolic gesture, I still think it will make both your future FI and your father happy to have had the exchange.
I didn’t get married until I was in my 40s, and I had not lived in the same state as my parents for more than 20 years. I also had an encore groom. However, my DH felt very strongly about asking for my dad’s blessing, and I absolutely loved that he did. 🙂
Post # 14
@futuremrsk18: I am the oldest girl. My brother lived with his mom in PR and my Dad had little dad involvement in my Bro’s life (not his choice). The only hint I dropped was when our friends (who do not look like they will reach the Altar) were about to get engaged. We knew that the guy was about to pop the question but the Girls grandfather (male figure) passed away before it happened. I took that as my cue to say “Oh, it’s a shame A didn’t get a chance to as T’s grandpa for his blessing. That is SO IMPORTANT, ya know.” My SO said he was sure that they spoke about it at some point.
The thing is my SO doesn’t see eye to eye with my dad on a lot of things. He is very respectful to my parents even though he doesn’t like them very much (heck i wouldn’t like them very much if they weren’t my parents, but they are!) so that is what makes me worried he won’t do it. Even though I see it as a super last minute thing he would so RIGHT before he asked me. I told my Dad that Mr.Sapphire will be speaking to him in due time.
My dad is my hero. My knight in Shining Pick-UP. I never knew how important it would be to me until lately. I want him to ask my mom too, just because she’s a control freak and wouldn’t let us forget it.
Post # 15
It depends how you feel about it, OP. For me, personally, you can call it “a blessing,” rather than permission, all you want, but to me it still goes back to roots of women as property to be traded among men. Again, that’s just me. I would have been greatly offended had DH asked for a “blessing.”
Post # 16
I’m super independent (and always have been) and was living entirely on my own when DH and I got engaged.
That said, DH asked for my dad’s blessing and I’m glad he did.
It isn’t like he was asking permission – if my dad didn’t give his blessing, DH still would have proposed to me. To me, it is a respect thing. Plus I’m just kind of traditional and am really close with my parents.