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I am not a big fan of even nice lies. The FH makes a funny face when he knows he has to tell me the truth but I am not going to like it. If I am not a fan of something, I tell the truth or nothing at all. Shoot, I just called my mom the other night to tell her I didn't like her new photography web site. She was alittle hurt at first, but after that I helped her with a buyers perspective so it all turned out for the best.
I'd take the truth. We are both very blunt and don't like to sugarcoat things. J has said things in the past that I was kind of taken back by, but it was nothing serious.
One thing is that I take pride in my cooking. I love it and I know I'm a good cook. Well, I made chicken salad that he didn't care for. I found it to be great though. I was upset that he didn't like it, but for the simple fact that I'm a pleaser. But he still hasn't let me not hear about how much he's hated the chicken salad. It's getting annoying, but I know he's doing it for fun (in his eyes). But he's responses are usually "what would you rather me lie?!". Can't say that I do. I don't like to look like a fool. I guess it's because I've been lied to so many times when others have known the truth.
Hmm, I think it depends on who it is from and the situation. If I'm asking my mom or best friend for honesty, I would not like a "nice" lie. But, usually, I think they are fine. Who doesn't like a self-esteem booster?? It's not like they are lying about something important.
We tell eachother nice lies all the time. Of course, its just for silly things. If we are asking honest opinions...we give them.
I feel the same way you do. I think the problem is that a lot of people are not actively self-reflective, and to say polite lies is to enable them in delusion.
But generally, in times like that, you want someone to be encouraging. I don't think it's about an active lie so much as just omitting the negative part. To repeatedly hear things like that, true or not, is disheartening and demotivating. You're not asking for people to compare you to a great professional photographer so much as just not cut you down. Not that he was intentionally, but sometimes matter of fact can come across that way. And I say this as someone who strongly supports matter of fact-ness. I do think it is different in close, intimate relationships. Our partner is supposed to have our backs and then some, even if it means zipping the lip about the photog!
I also think this needs to be differentiated from actual serious discussion, such as "should I quit my day job and pursue photography" or something.
@smb4268: Agree! Who its coming from and what they are telling a "nice lie" about are important. From certain people and in certain situations, the little self-esteem boost from a "nice lie" is nice. But in most situations, I want people to tell me the truth, even if it might hurt a bit at first.
It depends on if it's something I can change or not. If Dh tells me that he doesn't like a certain shirt bc it makes my boobs look weird (the reasoning "It makes you look fat" is NEVER okay), then that's fine because I can change into something else. But if I ask him to read a paper of mine after I submitted it already, then I don't really want to hear "Well it's good but you should have done xyz instead."
Not all the time, but sometimes I would rather be lied to. If I just had the day from hell, and then my dinner doesn't come out as good as I'd hoped, I would prefer he just tells me it's just perfect. I know it's not as good as it could be, but I would really appreciate that he's trying to make my day better.
i don't even think i'd call it a lie, its more like just being nice with a little extra boost
ps i want to see your pix! what camera do you use? i'll nicely lie to you about your photos if you'd like lol (joking!)
@Amaryllis: agree! If I ACTUALLY thought I was super awesome then I'd be all for a real dose of honesty. My point was that silly nice lies are okay. The kind of thing that would make you laugh and say "omg you're such a liar" but in a good way! I am not anti-honesty for important stuff or to give honest feedback that could help improve things. I'm just saying sometimes a "your hair looks better than jessica simpson's today!" is totally appropriate :)
@CookieBee: lol I dunno if I"m allowed to post links here... if a mod wants to take this down bc it is self promotion then thats a-ok with me! I really don't do much portrait work at all yet (but i'm going to do some shadowing/second shooting this summer yay!) and I have a lot of personal photos where I keep those anyways, but if you'd like to see some of my fun nature-y type stuff I have a flickr page here: www.flickr.com/clerksgrl . I shoot with a canon rebel xti. lusting over a 5dii but its not in the cards for a bit!
DH will NOT lie to me. Sometimes my feelings get hurt, but I know it is for the best overall.
In my case, I would almost always rather have the person say something that was nice, but still truthful. The only thing i have actually asked to be lied to about is the amount of workplace accidents that happen to people FI knows. I'd rather not worry that he's going to fall off a building and die every time he goes to work in the morning. But he always insists on telling me these stories..
I guess it depends! There are some things I want him to be honest about, and other things a nice lie will work! Like my cooking - nice lie is good :) How I look - honesty please.
Normally I want the truth. There are times when I'm already super stressed, or it's something that will never come up again where I might not want to deal with criticism, but in general I am not a fan of the nice lie.
My fiance loves them and it drives me nuts. I have zero fashion sense so when I ask him if my outfit looks good, I am honestly asking if it matches or if it's garish and clashing so much people will turn away. Sometimes he'll say "you look great" without looking up, then he looks up and I can see on his face that he hates it. ARGH! Or with cooking - he's told me he liked something for months before finally admitting that he actually hates it. Well, if you hadn't lied, you wouldn't have had to eat it so many times!
I'm big on nicely-worded constructive criticism. Generally I want to know when something isn't as skillfull because that's the only way I can get better at things.
I unconditionally prefer the truth, but there's blunt truth and tactful truth and I'm pretty sure I know which of those most of us prefer. DH has been known to lean towards the overly blunt end of the spectrum, and earlier in our relationship some of his less than flattering similes made me feel like crud on occasion, so I manhandled gently persuaded him to be more tactful about how he says things to me while still being truthful.
@CorgiTales: I'm the same as you. Sometimes it's nice to hear "I've never seen a more beautiful woman than you", even though it's highly unlikely. But my BF feels the same way about little white lies as your DH; he will never lie to me. It's reassuring that I don't have to worry about him keeping big stuff from me, but a confidence booster would be nice every once in a while.
I find it fascinating that the "honesty" bees are winning! DH said I was totally nuts and I told him it wasn't just me it was all women... I guess he was right heh. Don't tell him :)
@DesireeAnne: thanks :)
@ruby26: lol RIGHT! "you're beautiful" is nice but "you're more beautiful the JHL" is better!
I agree with lying.
I don't necessarily agree with "nice" lies as you do though. I'm more like ignorance is bliss.
There's a very faded faint line that shouldn't be crossed. I don't want to be bullshitted. I want to be spared.
I want the truth especially from those close to me. If I suck at something its okay for me to hear that I suck at it. it makes it even better when I do hear a compliment because I know I REALLY am good that thing.
To me, Nice lies can snow ball into just lies and to me lies are lies eventually so ,honesty is the best policy for us!
@vmec: You more succinctly said what I meant --> I don't want to be bullshitted; I want to be spared.
@CorgiTales: your photos are beautiful! How awesome is the St Regis in Kauai? ahh i wish i could go back to Hawaii for my honeymoon but my man isn't into it :( I also love the wide angle shots, something about a wide angle lens gets me going (i sound like a huge nerd sorry!) I shoot with nikon but what i would do for a 5Dmkii <3 maybe after the wedding hehe
sorry for the derailed post lol back to the good lies!
@CookieBee: thanks! The st. regis was beautiful but we just went there for a drink, we stayed at the westin princeville. didn't want to take out a second mortgage for our honeymoon haha. totally agree about the wide angle. I heart my 10-22 hardcore, definitely my favorite lens for landscape work! I'll be sad to give it up when i go FF but I'm hoping it'll hold its value well enough to get some money back and put towards a 16-35L. :)
I think it depends on the situationn.
Most often if I lie it's because explaining the truth will take 3 times as long and won't affect the outcome at all.
Happens a lot in my job since I'm a secretary and people get easily offended if they feel like they are being spurned or like I'm not doing things in the expected way. So even if they are being spurned or if I know my boss can't call them back I tell nice white lies or take messages I know won't be returned. Makes everything go faster and with less headache.
From friends and family though....I dunno, I think you can be tactful without outright lying. Sometimes it's more of an understood exaggeration than a lie. It's a really gray line.
Ohh yeah I would much rather be told the truth so I can change than tell me a lie so that I think everything is perfect the way it is haha. If my hair is ugly I want to know he thinks that rather than have him go through starting at my horrible hair all day! (etc)
I want honesty only if if its solicited - meaning don't express your honest opinion unless I ask for it ;)
For example, I wasn't feeling the cutest the other day, and my husband said - that shirt doesn't do anything for you, as I walked into the room. Well I didn't ask how it looked (and although I agreed it wasn't very cute) I didn't ask! So he shouldn't of been honest, lol!
@AnnieAAA: If it's someone whose opinion I couldn't care less about, then I agree, I don't want unsolicited honesty from them. But if I value their opinion, I'd rather they told me so I know to take a step back and consider their criticism and possibly avoid regret later.
Back when I was still living at home, my mother had this infuriating habit of telling me things after the fact when I would bring them up. Example: I tossed out one of my eyeliners one day saying I never wore it anymore, and she went, "Oh good, that colour looked terrible on you. It made your eyes look really small." Gee, thanks for that timely criticism, Mom! Retroactive embarrassment's the best!
I'm really surprised that so many people say they would prefer harsh honesty over the "nice lies" that you mention, but then again, this is sometimes an issue of tension with my fiance & I so I may be biased. He tends toward the harsh honesty end of the spectrum and I'm pretty sensitive, so sometimes it causes us to clash. I'd personally take positivity over harsh honesty any day, but I think that's largely because I'm my own worst critic so it's nice to have someone balance that out with positivity :). I mean, obviously I know that I don't look like a model in these glasses (or that dress, or those shoes), so it's not like I'm gonna get confused and walk around introducing myself as Heidi Klum or anything.
For more serious issues, of course, honesty is important. But for silly things, I think positivity (even if it's unrealistic) is great!
Thank you! It's so nice to hear that I'm not alone in this - I LOVE white lies and am very low in confidence so really appreciate them. However, my SO doesn't agree with them - he says he can't lie, it wouldn't be right but sometimes I think they're necessary.
For example, I lost my best friend (we stopped being friends), was in the process of leaving uni, and my parents were getting divorced (I was still living st home and there was a high hance we were going to lose our house) - I felt like my whole world was up in the air, I needed to know some things were secure. S I asked my bf to tell me he'd never leave me (unfair I agree but I was only needing to hear the words, I didn't expect him to follow through). However, he refsed and simply said he didn't know it to be true so couldn't say it. I needed to feel comforted and that did NOT do the trick!
I 100% do not like lies. Not even to make me feel better. I'd rather face the truth and be stronger.
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Beekeeper
Brief story:
Last night my MIL called and in the course of conversation with DH and I mentioned that she thought our wedding pictures were just lovely, the photog did a great job etc etc etc but she says "my photographer was much better!" See-- she just got married in October and asked me to photograph her wedding. I do NOT photograph weddings and it was just a favor to her-- I am well aware I am not a pro photographer and so she was very obviously just being nice. I was like "haha thats nice of you to say" and my husband said something like "oh whatever she's good but our photographer was better!" and the convo goes on.
Later last night:
I was teasing him saying that he was a meany for saying I suck as a photographer (he didn't say that) and told him he should've said that I'm the best ever just because he's my husband. I was not really upset here, just teasing. He's like "yea you're good. he's better. I don't lie."
Which got us into a discussion about "nice lies." I told him I thought it was okay (and sometimes even nice) to "lie" about certain things. Like... I know I'm not REALLY a great photographer (yet) but it would have been nice if he'd pretended I was. Or like saying "this is the best lasagna I've ever had" or "you're hotter than jake gyllenhaal" etc. Things you KNOW aren't true but are said just to be funny/cute. He took a surprisingly hard line on this and said lying is lying and he never wants to be anything less than totally honest with me because we should always be able to trust every word out of each others' mouths.
I still think nice lies are harmless-- but it really doesn't bother me that he's not into them. Just curious how everyone else feels about this topic :)