Post # 1
I feel like since FI and I got engaged, the first question we’ve been asked is “when is the wedding?” and the second is “when are you going to have kids?” I personally don’t think the second question is anyone’s business but FI and I’s. I usually just say “I’m waiting until my ovaries are verging on being shriveled up.”
The thing is, I am so on the fence about having children. I love the idea of having a daughter someday- taking her to dance class, having tea parties, helping with homework, etc. I’ve saved my American girl dolls and baby dolls in the event I ever did have a daughter I could give them to. I’d be just as happy to have a boy (or one of each). But the thing is, pregnancy, giving birth, and the first five years terrify me. I read birth stories and I appreciate how informative and how honest they are. But it sounds excruciating. I get migraines, really bad ones. What if that comes back horribly when pregnant? What if my body will never look normal again? What if one of those awful, worst-case-scenario type things happen to me giving birth?
I have an 18 month old nephew. He’s adorable. But the banging on things, the screaming and wailing, noisy toys, I just can’t do it. I don’t know that I’m cut out for pregnancy-the age of 5.
Obviously I would never consider getting pregnant unless I was 100% sure. I know you can’t really take that back. Did any other bees feel so unsure of the whole thing? What changed your mind? Did you change it?
In the event it’s relevant, I’m 23, FI is 26. I don’t want to have kids for at least a decade if it happens at all.
Post # 3
First and foremost… for now… just enjoy the Engagement. Period.
YES people are going to ask nosey inappropriate Questions (they are RUDE altho they may not realize it) … just smile and say for now you are “Just Planning the Wedding”
It is the truth… you don’t have to explain you reproductive / sex plans to anyone *rolls eyes*
Kids is something you can decide later… after you are married.
In truth not everyone is cut out to have / want kids and that is ok.
And what you think now could change as you grow as a couple… when I was married the first time in my early 20s, I sure as heck wasn’t sure where I stood on the issue. Over time I grew into the idea. That is a “natural” progression I think for many young couples.
As for migraines… I had wicked ones starting in my teens. The good news is they totally disappeared after I got pregnant. The Drs said they thought it might be because they were caused by a hormone imbalance (pretty common evidently).
As for busy noisy children… I get that too. BUT I will say they are a lot easier to “accept” when they are your own kids, because you LOVE them, and because you see various sides to their personalities a lot more than someone who just sees them occasionally.
Lol, that and having babies, running after toddlers etc, is a lot easier to do the younger you are…
I definitely knew by the time I got to my mid-30s that that wasn’t something I wanted to be doing any longer… I just didn’t have the energy for it any more.
Hope this helps,
PS… CONGRATULATIONS on your recent Engagement. As I said, enjoy this timeframe, it will pass far too quickly, and you cannot get it back.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club
“Reproduce” HAHAHA I love it. Yes, I would like to Mate one day with my FI and have offspring. not now though
Post # 5
@DuckEBee: FI and I are not having children, and we like to joke that IF an accident occurred and we conceived, we’ll sue the contraceptive company for a faulty product LOL!
We love kids, enjoy spending time with them and stuff, but the responsibility of actually raising one into a responsible adult is too much work for us.
I’ve always said to people (even before they ask) “We’re not having children” or even “I’m barren”, and they all go like “You’re just saying that”, so if anyone asks after the wedding I’ll just keep on saying what I’ve been saying all along.
Post # 6
Me neither. I think pregnancy and having a baby is the most disgusting thing ever, so I do not want to experience that. I also definitely don’t want a boy so why would I put myself through that and possibly end up with one? I’m not a fan of kids anyway – they’re messy, loud, annoying… I don’t see the appeal.
Post # 7
@DuckEBee: FI and I want kids 110%. It is EXTREMELY important to us to have kids. It wasn’t always that way for me, and I wouldn’t have had kids at that point.
23 is such a young age, you have so much time left to have kids. Some day the yes or no decision might become very clear to you. Maybe not. Just enjoy planning your wedding, besides, your reproduction is truly no one’s business!
Post # 8
Usually I think I do, but sometimes I just don’t know. I feel like you do about the baby stage.
Post # 9
@DuckEBee: I could have written this exact post! I was just thinking about this topic, and whether the desire for children is something you grow into or whether it has to be present from an early age. (If that is the case, I may never have any!)
I also have unbelievably terrible migraines, but I also have struggled with other health conditions that I’m afraid would make pregnancy and birth unbearable. I know most parents do not like when their children are pre-teens or teens, but that sounds much better to me! I don’t know how I could stand the screaming and crying and the regression from being an intelligent adult who spends her time contributing to society to someone who doesn’t sleep and has to clean up after an infant.
If you come up with a magic answer for how to want children, let me know!
Post # 10
@DuckEBee: I don’t have any kids yet, but I’m just a little bit younger than you, and I am back and forth on a daily basis. I work with children, so I’m pretty much used to the noise. Unless you seriously cannot stand noise at all I don’t think that will be a major problem. Yes, it’s annoying, but it’s something you end up getting used to. I know that I someday want to have kids, but all of the things that freak you out freak me out as well. I have health problems (scoliosis, IBS, migraines), and I just know that those things combined with pregnancy probably won’t amount to an amazing pregnancy and birth story. That is why I’ve now started to consider adoption over getting pregnant myself if my doctor says that it could be risky.
I think knowing that it’s 10+ years away is kind of what freaks me out. I don’t want kids right now, so I’m not really super excited for it or anything at the moment. I know once I get closer to having children, and I’m actually ready for it, it will be more exciting, and the pros will start outweighing all of the cons.
Post # 11
I have zero desire to produce crotchfruit anytime soon. Maybe one day. Maybe. I have no maternal calling towards babies.
I’m 27 and husband will be 27 in April, so there’s that.
Post # 12
@DuckEBee: Don’t feel weird/bad OP, me and my SO are the same ages as you and yours just about and I feel similar. Physically being pregnant terrifies me, as does the thought of my entire life being a sacrificial responsibility for another.
I love kids, but I wasn’t born with the typical female maternal gene. I don’t have a compulsion to pick up babies or some innate knowing of what to do when a baby/toddler needs something. I live in a very baby-centric community so people have been planning on me having kids since I was 15 or so. Many think its odd I’m not yet married with kids. Thank god my parents are the exception, I think I’d lose it otherwise!
I know I want kids in the long run. I personally had a very hard childhood and teen years though. I’m very responsibility driven because of it. So I’m trying to enjoy being selfish and enjoying my life when its 100% mine because I won’t be able to do so when I have kids. So I’m living in the present. I figured once I’m ready I’ll know when to have them and don’t worry too much about it anymore. That and I hope and pray my mommy friends are right that the maternal instincts kick on when its your kid. Lol.
But don’t worry about it. It just shows you’re carefully thinking about parenthood, which more parents could do beforehand really. One of my mommy friends told me once when I was explaining my position on kids ‘I probably should have done that. I thought I’d be playing and cuddling with babies all day. BOY was I wrong!’
Post # 13
I’ve always wanted to, since I was a teen, but I find that as I get older…the desire weakens. Especially when I babysit my cousins – holy shit, they make me want to get sterilized. For me, my biggest concerns are that kids can have a negative effect on marriages (many people who’ve had wonderful relationships pre-kids have told me so), that they are super aggravating, that pregnancy and birth are traumatic, and that they are expensive to raise… But I still adore babies/toddlers, and I generally lean towards wanting kids since I’ve wanted to for so long.
Post # 14
For now, no. Reproducing and having kids aren’t mutually exclusive 🙂
Post # 15
@DuckEBee: OMG, I feel the same way and it made me so sad for the longest time to think this way because it’s not considered “acceptable”. I am 25 and I am petrified of the idea of being pregnant it scares me, my mother had complications with my brothers and I and all of her pregnancy were really hard on her body. I recently had dinner with FIL’s and FFIL decided to bring it up at the dinner table that I do not want to have kids. He basically verbally attacked me because he wants grandchildren (he has another kid, there is still a chance for grandchildren). I was mortified this was in front of aunts and cousins too and FI knows that I am really scared to have children and stepped in and told his dad to lay off me. I just hope this isn’t a constant topic by FIL’s because as of now I don’t want children maybe I will re-visit the situation but I am so scared of being pregnant and also I am so worried about messing the child’s life up. FI and both have said until we can both afford the lifestyle we had growing up children will not even be a topic for us.
Post # 16
My mom is ALWAYS asking me when I’m having children. Her and everyone else in my family had children VERY young.. I’m talking.. 16..17.
I DO want children, but I am unsure if I want to carry my own . I had a premature daughter and I’m not sure if I want to go through that again, and put another life through that again, so adoption is on the mind.
I’m 25 and fi is 23.. I want us to live together as husband and wife, and get our lives sorted out a bit more before bringing a child into it. I know there isn’t a “perfect time” to have kids, but I would surely like to be a bit more financially stable when the time comes.