I was wondering if anyone had any advice-I just recently relocated to the NYC area to live with my fiance and have been going on job interviews. When the potential employers ask me why I've relocated, I'm straight forward and tell them I recently got engaged and decided to settle down in the area. On two occasions,I've noticed the interviewers glance at my engagement ring and their expressions changed. After I told her why I relocated, one replied, "Yes I know. I saw your ring," in a sarcastic tone.
I'm concerned b/c the interviews would be going great but would change after the engagement factor was talked about. And yes I'm still unemployed!
Should I not wear the ring and tell them why I've relocated?
What do you do? I'm sure there are plenty of employers who view a significant other as a drain on their employee's time and would prefer you to be 100% devoted to your job or something. Do you want to work for someone with those kinds of expectations? I'd much rather work in an environment where people respect that the number one priority in your life isn't work.
On the other hand, it could be that they are anticipating that you're going to take a significant amount of time off right after they hire you. In which case, I personally would not try to hide the fact that I was engaged. I have no idea whether being honest will cost you jobs, though I can imagine that it might (unless you're not planning to take any time off, in which case you would be crazy, but this would likely put potential employers' minds at ease.) But it seems like it would be worse after you got hired and said, oh by the way I'm getting married in 6 months and I'll be taking two weeks off to go to Tahiti! Thanks for hiring me! They might wonder why an engagement ring which had been absent at the interview suddenly appeared on your first day. You could say that you JUST got engaged but they'd wonder. I guess you could wait a couple of months to announce your engagement, but this entails an extended lie that I personally would not want to do and has a high probability of blowing up in your face...
So, I guess what I'm saying is that there's a possibility of problems upon being hired if you decided to conceal your engaged status in any way, but the trade off is that not saying anything about it might cost you some jobs. Another thing I just thought of is, what if they thought you were already married? Especially if your interviewers are men, they might not realize that you're only engaged, maybe they're not paying close attention to whether there's a wedding ring on your finger as well as the e-ring, or they don't know what any of it means anyway (my own DH referred to the e-ring as a wedding ring for the longest time, he didn't really get that we got two rings at first.) So if you just wore your ring like always, but didn't allude to your marital status at all, (is there another reason you can cite for relocating that doesn't involve getting married in the near future?) they might just assume that you're married, in which case they wouldn't be worried about you taking a bunch of time off right away.
I totally understand where you're coming from here and I'd bet your situation is cause for concern in the company's eyes. The interviewers are thinking "hmmm what if the wedding gets called off and she jets?" or "oh great here comes a 3 week honeymoon"
It's a tough call because if you leave out the part about the fiance then they're wondering why a single girl would move to NYC by herself and jobless! If you have friends or family in NYC or work in an industry with exciting opportunities in NYC, you could craft an answer about "opportunity" or "experiencing NYC" or something like that.
Either way you're not being totally truthful with a potential employer and that's dicey but only you can decide how comfortable you are and where on the spectrum your answer is from "leaving out part of the truth" to "telling a complete lie".
I'm not sure this helps but I just wanted to say I think you have a valid point. Good luck.
I think you shouldn't tell them you relocated because your engaged. Maybe just said you relocated from somewhere else but leave out the engaged part. The employer might feel like you will be planning your wedding during company time and will need days off soon for it, etc.
The sad fact of the matter is that sexism is still alive and well in our society. Many employers are afraid that you will spend your time on the clock planning your wedding, will want loads of time off for the wedding, and then will quit to join the mommy track. Why would they want to invest their resources in someone who is just going to leave? Of course they would never think these things of a man.
But men don't walk around with a huge piece of bling advertising their new status.
As much as it sucks, if you are in need of a job you may have to play the game. If you are having this experience and you truly believe it is because potential employers are off-put by your engagement, and not that you were just not the right candidate for those positions, then you need to change your tactics. Slip your ring into your bag before you enter the building. When asked why you relocated, say to be closer to family. When you get hired, feel free to wear your ring, but don't talk about your engagement (or your personal life in general) until you've settled in and become part of the team.
If you are worried that it is affecting your interviews than I would not wear it. If you are offered a position you should then tell them if you need any signifcant amount of time off (more than a couple days) for the wedding and get it approved before they hired you.
Regardless of whether you wear it, when they ask you why you moved to NYC, you can say that you moved for all the opportunities the city could offer you. The fact that one of those opportunities is to live with your fiance is irrelevant to your job hunt (after all, you're here already).Keep it focused on the job.
Consider that you might be getting weird looks because legally, potential employers are strictly forbidden to ask you any questions regarding marital status or dependents. So they might feel uncomfortable when you bring it up because legally they aren't allowed to talk about it. If your ring is such a show-stopper that you feel it's bringing up the issue whether you mention it or not, it might be best to leave it at home for the time being.
CB- Not sure what you are asking - do you think the negative reaction was to the fact that you are engaged or to the size of your ring?
In any case, you could wait to bring up the being engaged part until a second or third interview. Leave the ring home, let them get to like you but make sure to tell them you are getting married at some point before you accept- if you need the time off in the first 6-12 months of your job. If they ask why you moved, don't lie! Lying in an interview is always a bad idea. If you don't wear your ring at first and then have it later, you can always explain it was being sized/cleaned/whatever.....
Thanks for all of your comments and advice!! fyi-both negative reactions came from fellow women! And they were the department heads.
Janna19-I think the negative reactions were due to me recently being engaged. Maybe they think i'll be too consumed with planning. I love my ring but I think it's a humble ring =)
I am in a similar situation. I wear my ring to interviews, but when people ask why I want to move to San Diego, I say that I have always wanted to live here because I love the location, the weather, etc. There are plenty of other good and plausible reasons to move to NY too. Blame the move on those. Potential employers don't need to know anything about your personal life.
I see no reason to make an engagement announcement either. You will be new there, so it's not like you will have close work friends that need to know. While I'm sure you are excited about your engagement, this probably isn't the time to shout from the rooftops. Besides, where I work now, I didn't need to make an announcement, one woman noticed my new ring and then told everyone. Eventually, the story will come out, but you won't have lied or misrepresented yourself.
It's a sad fact that we have to shield ourselves from potential backlash, but I still think it is the smartest thing to do.
I believe that this question could be illegal. Potential employers need to be incredibly careful about the personal questions that they ask during interviews. They cannot ask anything about religious or political beliefs or about any perceived disabilities, etc... If anyone feels that they've been discriminated against for any reason, they could sue. If I were you I would respond to the question as vaguely as possible. If pressed you can simply say, "I have moved here for personal reasons".
And as regards the lady who mentioned she noticed your ring (seriously!! wtf?)... you can call the HR department of that company and let them know that you believe you were discriminated against and they should probably review their interview guidelines with their personnel. We get trained pretty carefully on this stuff to avoid a potential lawsuit, this is a serious issue.
I'm also looking for a job, and I wear my ring. Now, my ring isn't your traditional e-ring and I suppose it could be construed as a "wedding" ring, but I try to not mention the engagement or wedding unless it comes up.
Its bullsh*t that it matters, but I have heard of women getting passed over, not only because of the time off for upcoming wedding but because its also a "red flag" that you might start a family sooner rather than later and that could interfere.
But I say, eff them if they feel that way, I don't want to work for that company anyway.
Good luck!
PS - you can see my ring here, if you're curious: http://www.thebrokeassbride.com/2008/07/wrapped-around-your-finger.html
Oh, good point, Ms Shamrock, regarding discrimination. I "third" your comment (callalily already "seconded" them).
I never even thought of that, but I have an interview in a couple weeks. In my case, my contract is ending with a gov't-funded company, and won't be renewed. I am not relocating. I need to think seriously about whether or not to wear it.
As for wearing the ring, you are not obligated to wear it, nor is it lying if you don't wear it. If you are asked why you relocated, you can give the career opportunity reason, or give the engaged reason, whatever you want. However, there can be a fine line between not telling the whole story and appearing to lie. I like the above suggestion to be closer to family. Try saying something like "I'd like to explore career opportunities in NYC, which is also closer to my family"; or "I'd like to seek a job in a city that is beneficial to my career as well as my fiance's career." Or leave the fiance part out, and discuss your career opportunities. This only works if NYC is better for your career.
Not mentioning the engagement is NOT lying; the employer has no right to know your status as engaged during an interview.
If you are offered the job, during salary negotation, consider asking for a week or two of accrued vacation, that way you already have a week or two to use for the honeymoon. Then, you don't need to "beg" for time off later; you're already entitled to use the vacation you have!
I totally agree that you shouldn't talk about your engaged status - relocation to be with your fiance - or your upcoming wedding and any time off you might need in the first interview. There are all kinds of ways to discuss your relocation, and frankly the idea that YOU want to live in NY is going to be more attractive to most employers that the idea that you moved there to be with some guy. People in my job relocate a lot, and it happens ALL THE TIME that a husband or wife who relocated just because of their spouse's job decides they don't really want to be there after all - and then back they go to wherever they came from. We would rather hire someone whose spouse is excited to come here, rather than someone whose spouse is just relocating for them, because it's waaaay more likely to work out. So if I was interviewing you, and your main reason for moving was your fiance, I would be less excited than if I thought you would have relocated on your own.
And how much time you might need off is none of their business until they are ready to offer you a job. A honeymoon isn't the only reason you might need time off. In my current job, I moved halfway across the country (at the company's expense) and then three months later took two weeks off to go to Europe with my mom. It was a trip we had planned for a year. I told them when I got the offer - and before I accepted it - that I would need the time. IMO, it would have been dishonest for me to accept without discussing it, but it was none of their business if they weren't going to make me an offer. If somebody really wants to hire you, they will try to be accomodating. But to start discussing vacation plans before you even have an offer also looks as if clearly the job isn't your first priority - when you don't even have the job yet! Not a great impression.
And I don't think any of this is related to whether you wear your ring. Wear it if you want - just don't talk about your personal life. If you get asked before you have an offer in hand, the correct answer is always "I would prefer not to talk about that at this time."
If you need time off for the wedding/honeymoon in the first year that you work there, you need to tell them that you're engaged and the wedding date. You need to truthful because most places don't give you time off right away, so if you must take it off they have a right to know and let you know if it's possible. As far as the dirty looks, etc. Women are b$%chs for the part, don't forget. :) Sometimes we just can't help ourselves.
I would never say the reason for me moving is personal....
" I moved to this city because I want to further my career and I believe there are more opportunities here than anywhere else."
or some sort...but keep it PROFESSIONAL...if you say "cause my FI is here and we're getting married"...please...I wouldn't hire anybody with their head in the clouds that might bring her emotional rollercoaster for months to come...not counting the days off that you would ask for "personal/wedding related" reasons.
Sad but true...a MAN would have given you the job...but women "know best" they the interviewers were married chances are they KNOW you might slack off...because they DID.
I think saying the reasons are personal leaves the interviewer to their own speculation that you have to be closer to the mental hospital/ are wanted in another state and are fleeing that jurisdiction/ are wanted by the mob for ratting them out to the feds. Don't make them guess. Give them a viable reason.
I was wondering if anyone had any advice-I just recently relocated to the NYC area to live with my fiance and have been going on job interviews. When the potential employers ask me why I've relocated, I'm straight forward and tell them I recently got engaged and decided to settle down in the area. On two occasions,I've noticed the interviewers glance at my engagement ring and their expressions changed. After I told her why I relocated, one replied, "Yes I know. I saw your ring," in a sarcastic tone.
I'm concerned b/c the interviews would be going great but would change after the engagement factor was talked about. And yes I'm still unemployed!
Should I not wear the ring and tell them why I've relocated?
posted by CluelessBride 2 posts 3 months agoWhat do you do? I'm sure there are plenty of employers who view a significant other as a drain on their employee's time and would prefer you to be 100% devoted to your job or something. Do you want to work for someone with those kinds of expectations? I'd much rather work in an environment where people respect that the number one priority in your life isn't work.
On the other hand, it could be that they are anticipating that you're going to take a significant amount of time off right after they hire you. In which case, I personally would not try to hide the fact that I was engaged. I have no idea whether being honest will cost you jobs, though I can imagine that it might (unless you're not planning to take any time off, in which case you would be crazy, but this would likely put potential employers' minds at ease.) But it seems like it would be worse after you got hired and said, oh by the way I'm getting married in 6 months and I'll be taking two weeks off to go to Tahiti! Thanks for hiring me! They might wonder why an engagement ring which had been absent at the interview suddenly appeared on your first day. You could say that you JUST got engaged but they'd wonder. I guess you could wait a couple of months to announce your engagement, but this entails an extended lie that I personally would not want to do and has a high probability of blowing up in your face...
So, I guess what I'm saying is that there's a possibility of problems upon being hired if you decided to conceal your engaged status in any way, but the trade off is that not saying anything about it might cost you some jobs. Another thing I just thought of is, what if they thought you were already married? Especially if your interviewers are men, they might not realize that you're only engaged, maybe they're not paying close attention to whether there's a wedding ring on your finger as well as the e-ring, or they don't know what any of it means anyway (my own DH referred to the e-ring as a wedding ring for the longest time, he didn't really get that we got two rings at first.) So if you just wore your ring like always, but didn't allude to your marital status at all, (is there another reason you can cite for relocating that doesn't involve getting married in the near future?) they might just assume that you're married, in which case they wouldn't be worried about you taking a bunch of time off right away.
Sorry that's so long, hope it helps.
posted by MissSnapdragon 88 posts 3 months agoI totally understand where you're coming from here and I'd bet your situation is cause for concern in the company's eyes. The interviewers are thinking "hmmm what if the wedding gets called off and she jets?" or "oh great here comes a 3 week honeymoon"
It's a tough call because if you leave out the part about the fiance then they're wondering why a single girl would move to NYC by herself and jobless! If you have friends or family in NYC or work in an industry with exciting opportunities in NYC, you could craft an answer about "opportunity" or "experiencing NYC" or something like that.
Either way you're not being totally truthful with a potential employer and that's dicey but only you can decide how comfortable you are and where on the spectrum your answer is from "leaving out part of the truth" to "telling a complete lie".
I'm not sure this helps but I just wanted to say I think you have a valid point. Good luck.
posted by LoveTed 11 posts 3 months agoI think you shouldn't tell them you relocated because your engaged. Maybe just said you relocated from somewhere else but leave out the engaged part. The employer might feel like you will be planning your wedding during company time and will need days off soon for it, etc.
posted by princessporkie 2 posts 3 months agoThe sad fact of the matter is that sexism is still alive and well in our society. Many employers are afraid that you will spend your time on the clock planning your wedding, will want loads of time off for the wedding, and then will quit to join the mommy track. Why would they want to invest their resources in someone who is just going to leave? Of course they would never think these things of a man.
But men don't walk around with a huge piece of bling advertising their new status.
As much as it sucks, if you are in need of a job you may have to play the game. If you are having this experience and you truly believe it is because potential employers are off-put by your engagement, and not that you were just not the right candidate for those positions, then you need to change your tactics. Slip your ring into your bag before you enter the building. When asked why you relocated, say to be closer to family. When you get hired, feel free to wear your ring, but don't talk about your engagement (or your personal life in general) until you've settled in and become part of the team.
posted by CarolineG 284 posts 3 months agoIf you are worried that it is affecting your interviews than I would not wear it. If you are offered a position you should then tell them if you need any signifcant amount of time off (more than a couple days) for the wedding and get it approved before they hired you.
posted by pinotnoir 41 posts 3 months agoRegardless of whether you wear it, when they ask you why you moved to NYC, you can say that you moved for all the opportunities the city could offer you. The fact that one of those opportunities is to live with your fiance is irrelevant to your job hunt (after all, you're here already).Keep it focused on the job.
Consider that you might be getting weird looks because legally, potential employers are strictly forbidden to ask you any questions regarding marital status or dependents. So they might feel uncomfortable when you bring it up because legally they aren't allowed to talk about it. If your ring is such a show-stopper that you feel it's bringing up the issue whether you mention it or not, it might be best to leave it at home for the time being.
posted by chelseamorning 214 posts 3 months agoCB- Not sure what you are asking - do you think the negative reaction was to the fact that you are engaged or to the size of your ring?
In any case, you could wait to bring up the being engaged part until a second or third interview. Leave the ring home, let them get to like you but make sure to tell them you are getting married at some point before you accept- if you need the time off in the first 6-12 months of your job. If they ask why you moved, don't lie! Lying in an interview is always a bad idea. If you don't wear your ring at first and then have it later, you can always explain it was being sized/cleaned/whatever.....
posted by Janna19 343 posts 3 months agoThanks for all of your comments and advice!! fyi-both negative reactions came from fellow women! And they were the department heads.
Janna19-I think the negative reactions were due to me recently being engaged. Maybe they think i'll be too consumed with planning. I love my ring but I think it's a humble ring =)
posted by CluelessBride 2 posts 3 months agoI am in a similar situation. I wear my ring to interviews, but when people ask why I want to move to San Diego, I say that I have always wanted to live here because I love the location, the weather, etc. There are plenty of other good and plausible reasons to move to NY too. Blame the move on those. Potential employers don't need to know anything about your personal life.
I see no reason to make an engagement announcement either. You will be new there, so it's not like you will have close work friends that need to know. While I'm sure you are excited about your engagement, this probably isn't the time to shout from the rooftops. Besides, where I work now, I didn't need to make an announcement, one woman noticed my new ring and then told everyone. Eventually, the story will come out, but you won't have lied or misrepresented yourself.
It's a sad fact that we have to shield ourselves from potential backlash, but I still think it is the smartest thing to do.
posted by Soon2BeMrsC 72 posts 3 months agoI believe that this question could be illegal. Potential employers need to be incredibly careful about the personal questions that they ask during interviews. They cannot ask anything about religious or political beliefs or about any perceived disabilities, etc... If anyone feels that they've been discriminated against for any reason, they could sue. If I were you I would respond to the question as vaguely as possible. If pressed you can simply say, "I have moved here for personal reasons".
And as regards the lady who mentioned she noticed your ring (seriously!! wtf?)... you can call the HR department of that company and let them know that you believe you were discriminated against and they should probably review their interview guidelines with their personnel. We get trained pretty carefully on this stuff to avoid a potential lawsuit, this is a serious issue.
posted by MsShamrock 22 posts 3 months agoi 2nd msshamrock. they shouldn't be asking those questions... relationship, religion...
maybe they're just old spinsters and they're super jealous of ya :)
always a fun way to think of it!
posted by callalillies 68 posts 3 months agoI'm also looking for a job, and I wear my ring. Now, my ring isn't your traditional e-ring and I suppose it could be construed as a "wedding" ring, but I try to not mention the engagement or wedding unless it comes up.
Its bullsh*t that it matters, but I have heard of women getting passed over, not only because of the time off for upcoming wedding but because its also a "red flag" that you might start a family sooner rather than later and that could interfere.
But I say, eff them if they feel that way, I don't want to work for that company anyway.
Good luck!
PS - you can see my ring here, if you're curious: http://www.thebrokeassbride.com/2008/07/wrapped-around-your-finger.html
posted by danathebride 108 posts 3 months agoSo that you can get some more opinions, check out this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/engagement-ring-to-an-interview
I remember it being a hot topic, with lots of opinions! Good luck in your job search!
posted by rebecca 989 posts 3 months agoOh, good point, Ms Shamrock, regarding discrimination. I "third" your comment (callalily already "seconded" them).
I never even thought of that, but I have an interview in a couple weeks. In my case, my contract is ending with a gov't-funded company, and won't be renewed. I am not relocating. I need to think seriously about whether or not to wear it.
As for wearing the ring, you are not obligated to wear it, nor is it lying if you don't wear it. If you are asked why you relocated, you can give the career opportunity reason, or give the engaged reason, whatever you want. However, there can be a fine line between not telling the whole story and appearing to lie. I like the above suggestion to be closer to family. Try saying something like "I'd like to explore career opportunities in NYC, which is also closer to my family"; or "I'd like to seek a job in a city that is beneficial to my career as well as my fiance's career." Or leave the fiance part out, and discuss your career opportunities. This only works if NYC is better for your career.
Not mentioning the engagement is NOT lying; the employer has no right to know your status as engaged during an interview.
If you are offered the job, during salary negotation, consider asking for a week or two of accrued vacation, that way you already have a week or two to use for the honeymoon. Then, you don't need to "beg" for time off later; you're already entitled to use the vacation you have!
posted by Krista 102 posts 3 months agoI totally agree that you shouldn't talk about your engaged status - relocation to be with your fiance - or your upcoming wedding and any time off you might need in the first interview. There are all kinds of ways to discuss your relocation, and frankly the idea that YOU want to live in NY is going to be more attractive to most employers that the idea that you moved there to be with some guy. People in my job relocate a lot, and it happens ALL THE TIME that a husband or wife who relocated just because of their spouse's job decides they don't really want to be there after all - and then back they go to wherever they came from. We would rather hire someone whose spouse is excited to come here, rather than someone whose spouse is just relocating for them, because it's waaaay more likely to work out. So if I was interviewing you, and your main reason for moving was your fiance, I would be less excited than if I thought you would have relocated on your own.
And how much time you might need off is none of their business until they are ready to offer you a job. A honeymoon isn't the only reason you might need time off. In my current job, I moved halfway across the country (at the company's expense) and then three months later took two weeks off to go to Europe with my mom. It was a trip we had planned for a year. I told them when I got the offer - and before I accepted it - that I would need the time. IMO, it would have been dishonest for me to accept without discussing it, but it was none of their business if they weren't going to make me an offer. If somebody really wants to hire you, they will try to be accomodating. But to start discussing vacation plans before you even have an offer also looks as if clearly the job isn't your first priority - when you don't even have the job yet! Not a great impression.
And I don't think any of this is related to whether you wear your ring. Wear it if you want - just don't talk about your personal life. If you get asked before you have an offer in hand, the correct answer is always "I would prefer not to talk about that at this time."
posted by suzanno 1,976 posts 3 months agoIf you need time off for the wedding/honeymoon in the first year that you work there, you need to tell them that you're engaged and the wedding date. You need to truthful because most places don't give you time off right away, so if you must take it off they have a right to know and let you know if it's possible. As far as the dirty looks, etc. Women are b$%chs for the part, don't forget. :) Sometimes we just can't help ourselves.
posted by KateMW 483 posts 3 months agoI would never say the reason for me moving is personal....
" I moved to this city because I want to further my career and I believe there are more opportunities here than anywhere else."
or some sort...but keep it PROFESSIONAL...if you say "cause my FI is here and we're getting married"...please...I wouldn't hire anybody with their head in the clouds that might bring her emotional rollercoaster for months to come...not counting the days off that you would ask for "personal/wedding related" reasons.
Good Luck!
posted by V 232 posts 3 months agoSad but true...a MAN would have given you the job...but women "know best" they the interviewers were married chances are they KNOW you might slack off...because they DID.
posted by V 232 posts 3 months agoI think saying the reasons are personal leaves the interviewer to their own speculation that you have to be closer to the mental hospital/ are wanted in another state and are fleeing that jurisdiction/ are wanted by the mob for ratting them out to the feds. Don't make them guess. Give them a viable reason.
posted by Soon2BeMrsC 72 posts 3 months ago