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We won't be living by our families, but we're ok with that because we also want to live in a place that FI and I are going to be able to easily find a job. As someone whose grandparents all died while I was very young/not alive, I know that yes, as a kid you miss them. But you will be in the position where your kids will be able to know them with a car trip/plane ride, and they can always come visit you, too! Not the ideal solution necessarily, but the best for your kids and yourselves.
I feel this way. I hate where I grew up. After high school graduation, I could NOT wait to get out of there. I grew up in a small, sports-obsessed town a la Varsity Blues. No one ever leaves. You're born there, you live there, and you die there. I lived at college for four years and moved somewhere else on my graduation day. No way was I going back.
My parents recently moved a little outside of the town into the suburbs but I still don't love it there. My mom is incredibly disappointed that I will likely be living in NYC, or farther away (!!) when we have grandchildren. Especially because my sister stayed and will likely never leave.
FI grew up in a similar town about 45 minutes from where I grew up. His parents are heartbroken that he has no desire to move back there. Eso. because his brother lives right down the street.
We're kinda like the black sheep of the families ;o)
I got in my car and rode off right after highschool. Best decision I ever made. I now live about 1200 miles from my parents. That's what trains, planes and automobiles are for!
R and I both hate the general area where our parents live (mine move around a lot, but they're usually within 20-30 miles of where I went to high school) but have decided to stay here just because family is here. It's a really hard decision, and one that I regret a little every winter!
I didn't grow up in an area near my grandparents. They were a few hours drive away. My parents had to go somewhere where the schools were good without having to pay private school tuition. Now I live about a day's drive from where my dad lives. I wouldn't want to live there though because we would probably have a huge commute to jobs. It would probably cost more to live there too. With the availability of flights, I don't really think it's so necessary to live near your extended family anymore.
I couln't wait to get out of my hometown. Now I live across the country and that's just the way I like it! Similar to hotchild, I lived in the type of place where people were born, stayed, and died. It actually was a source of contention between me and an ex who were dating long distance - he had all these visions of grandeur about me moving back home when I was done university, blah blah blah. I still visit home over the holidays, but I end up feeling like Zach Braff in Garden State.
I have thought about my parents not being around when FI and I have kids, and it does bum me out a bit, but I don't think its a good enough reason to entitle myself to a life of misery moving back home. We couldn't do it anyway - FI would be unable to get a job there.
if your parents moved to raise kids, there is a chance that they'll move when you have kids somewhere. You may not think so, but some of my friends' parents with very established roots have purchased vacay homes, or condos, or whatever to be near their children's families. Choose somewhere that you really like though, hopefully near an airport that travels to your parent's state just in case.
I had the same problem growing up. My parents had moved to a tiny little town after they were married and it was far away from all of their families. We would usually go visit them once a year, but it wasn't the same. I was always jealous of my cousins who knew my grandparents as people because they got to see them all the time. Now I want my future kids to know their grandparents! Except that I really can't move anywhere near where they live in Forks, WA. There are no jobs there, unless you count those related to vampire tourism. ;) But now we live about 4 or 5 hours away so we could visit fairly easily.
@Valhalla: FI and I laughed SO HARD watching that movie, because it's SO super-awkward when we come "home." We're always overdressed, people just ask us constantly about the subway, and it's hard to eat anywhere besides Applebee's or TGI Fridays. Ha.
I don't *hate* it, but it is not my favorite place. When I was growing up, I got crap for any reason you could get crap for. The crime rate was high, the literacy rate was low. Any time I went out with an older relative, we'd encounter some long lost family member. I began to worry that I was related to nearly everyone in the area, and if not, any person I might fancy might be related to nearly everyone in the area. and if there's no relation, then everyone knows everyone knows everyone's business, and the last thing I want is the town knowing my business. My mom is definitely guilty of being in the knowing everyone's business, so I don't really tell her all that much.
I like to use this anecdote as a glimpse at the state of the area: Between the ages of 18 and 21, ages when most people aren't with child, when a guy would hit on me and find out I was between 18-21, the next question would be "how many kids you got". Not "do you", but "how many", like I default to having at least one. There was also the lovely "you got a man?", which would be fine, were it not followed by "would you cheat on him?".
My family keeps harassing me to come back, I'd definitely find a job there... but I don't think I'd be happy. My mom keeps trying to tell me that the area is doing better, and when I visit, it looks like it is, but I wouldn't want to live there.
@hotchildinthecity: I know exactly what you mean, I spent several years in Chicago, a few years on Long Island (which is actually also where I was born), am in Providence now and FI has lived in Providence, Boston and NYC.
We get the same questions about Subway/Cabs/City/Traffic/etc. I had a friend from high school come visit me in Chicago, it was her first plane ride EVER at about 25 years old and when I picked her up from the airport she was literally "ducking" in the car in fear of an accident every 2 seconds. I find it comical, but there is also a huge part of me that is so thankful I took the chance and high-tailed it out of there. I can only imagine how things would have ended up for me if I hadn't.
My parents live in a podunk hillbilly town. There are no opportunities for me and I hate being so far removed from reality. I really hate that place--I'm embarassed to say I went to high school there. Hate it with a passion. It's such a loser town. Its like hotchild said--you live there, you breed there, you die there.
Unfortunately my parents will move to St Louis when Hell freezes over. They are retired and would much rather live their luxurious life quietly than have to deal with the city and being near us and their grandkids.
My parents met in Texas. My mom had recently been divorced and never had the money to move back to NJ. My dad was from NY and stationed on the gulf with the Coast Guard. After they got married and he left he got a GREAT job for a major oil company and we stayed in Houston. MY grandparents and all my aunts, uncles, and dads sibilings lived up in the northeast. We spent every other summer for 2 weeks up there. My dads parents bought a winter house in milder Texas so we got to see them a lot. Now, I live near an aunt/uncle but my parents live over seas. I met my SO here, his family is here... parents, siblings, and aunt... but that's it. I REALLY want to move back to my hometown in Texas. It's housing is so much more affordable, the environment is better for raising kids, and it's so much warmer! lol. He doesn't. This is always our biggest argument. I want MY parents around (they'll be back soon, my dads almost retired) for the grandchildren. Not that I don't like his. I love his. But they're not mine. I want to be able to call MY mom :-).
We often say that maybe we should move to a completely NEUTRAL territory. I keep suggesting another city in Texas. He doesn't like that. I think I'm more eager for Texas than my parents though :-) Luckily, Carraba's has blue bell homemade vanilla ice cream on their menu! lol
@EJS: FI and I NEVER tell people where we're from. "Albany" is general enough for me, and he says "west of Albany, sorta towards Syracuse."
I wish my parents would move closer to the city, but they never will. They'll have my sister, because she'll never go anywhere.
@hothchild - I feel you. That sounds exactly like my home town. Actually, the day I graduated high school my dad flat out said to me, "Once you leave this town, don't ever come back." So I took that to heart and moved two states away to Chicago! And I love it here! I know it will be hard on our kids, but we are close enough to family that half a day's drive gets us there.
@otb: Oh how I miss Chicago. I will be back there someday...oh yes I will!
@coconutmellie
I feel the same way -- and it is one of the hardest and saddest things in my life. We live near my husband's parents but not mine and I just miss them so much. And I really want them around to know their grandchildren! It is really hard and makes my heart hurt sometimes.
@ HotChild - I was nearly struck dumb with shock when I watched Garden State because it was such a real portrayal of how I felt about home! I actually saw it with a friend who also moved away from the same city - she loved it too.
I am hoping my parents will move closer eventually. But real esatate is so expensive here in Vancouver, I just have no idea how they would afford it - jeeze, we can barely afford to live here. But we still plan for one or two visits a year, and when we have kids, there will be lots of webcam and chats on the phone. They will be a part of their lives, even if they don't live next door!
Coconut, I hear ya. I grew up with lots of family. But my husband and I moved away. Now our kids are growing up away from them. It's hard on us. (We have a hard time finding sitters, especially if I need someone during the day.) It's hard on our kids. (Where's grandma and grandpa for Grandparent's Day at school???) But you know, at least they have grandparents. (Mine died before I was born.) And we do make sure to visit, a couple of times a year. And they visit us, a couple too. So we're happy with what we do have.
Maybe you'll find when you have children, that your parents will come out to visit you more often. And as a pp mentioned, it isn't uncommon for the grandparents to move to whee their grandkids are. And do you hate the town so much, that you wouldn't want to even visit them in their town?
Good luck. You'll figure out something that works for you. To me the biggest family times are the holidays. If you can figure out those special occassions, I think you'll feel better. Perhaps you can reconnect with some family you haven't met. I'm not sure why your parents didn't keep in touch with family when they moved. And I'm sorry you felt family-lessness as a result. But a lot of people manage to stay close to family, even if they aren't located near them.
I kind of like the area where my parents live in CT and FI's parents are fairly close by as well. It is very pretty there and a great for kids but it's kind of boring, especially given that I currently live in NYC. Also, it's EXPENSIVE to live there! Eek. My FI and I really like Providence and are contemplating that but my mom is already freaking out because she says it's "too far" - Um, mom, it's a 3 hour drive TOPS. If she had her way, though, we'd be living next door.
I like where my parents live, and I've developed a deeper appreciation for my hometown (Memphis) even though I haven't lived there in 11 years. I left right after I finsihed high school.
Even so, I haven't been back much, and I doubt I'll live near my parents when we have kids. DH's family is in another part of the country, and we compromised and struck out on our own. I would love to live near my parents, or my brother, but I'm not sure it will happen. Maybe we can work something out, though.
Those of you who mentioned movies - how about the Thanksgiving episode from the first year of HIMYM when Lily goes to St. Paul? That was hilarious.
I grew up in a really small town (800 people) that is full of my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My parents and grandparents were born there and will never leave. I lived in the same house from the time I was born until I graduated high school. I love going to visit, because it's beautiful there, but I will never live there again. It is a dying Mill town. My 85 year grandmother, who has lived there her entire life, told me to never move back because there are no opportunities for young people or children in the community.
We live in a city two hours away, so we get see my parents often, and my brother and his family are moving here in December.
For the longest time, I hated where I grew up (where my mom lives now). But after I moved away, I started to miss it, and now I LOVE going back to visit. My husband and I have decided that when we're ready to have kids, we'll be moving closer to our parents because we simply refuse to let our kids grow up without grandparents. We're compromising, though, and moving two hours away by car to a town we both love a lot (where we got married, actually). Enough distance to not see them every weekend, but close enough that day trips and holidays won't be too bad.
My FI and I don't live near either set of parents right now, but we are planning on moving back to where I'm from after we get married. I don't love the suburb that I grew up in or where my parents currently live, but I love the Minneapolis/St Paul area and I'm super excited to move back up there after the wedding. I don't love the winters, but you get over that and learn to really enjoy the two months of summer. And after being away for quite a few years, I think it will be good to be around family again, especially when we start having kids.
I'm from a village...but it's basically a tiny suburb masquerading as a quaint village. I used to HATE it when I was younger because it seemed like the most boring place in the world. But the older I get the more I understand why they decided to raise us there. I could never go back to that exact place, but since I now live a continent and an ocean away from my mum, I wish I were a wee bit closer :(
My parents moved around a lot when I was younger and finally have seemed to settle in the place where I went to High School. It's a small quaint town and I love to visit there but I have mixed feelings on living there. There are NO science jobs and it's a bit boring.
Two of my brothers live in the Philly area. We lived there when they moved out of my parents house and so the next time we moved, my two older brothers stayed there while my other brother and I moved with our parents. My thrid brother lives in a small town near my parents and I moved to Baltimore for college and then just stayed here. I'd love to live near my parents when we have kids but I doubt it will happen, unless they move again.
My parents own a Pub in town and they know all the gossip, I love sitting at the bar with them. One recent conversation: Dad: "See that girl, she is complaining to the girl next to her about the girl across the bar. She knows the girl across the bar was sleeping with her husband, what she doesn't know is that the girl that she's talking to was also sleeping with him!" Gotta love small town gossip!
Yeah, it's a tough situation. The town where my parents built their retirement home has a population of 400. The nearest city has absolutely no jobs within my field - and there aren't any for a 500 mile radius.
So, living within driving distance is probably not even a possibility, and my parents without question won't leave the house they built for themselves. This is the EXACT situation my parents put me in growing up that I hated, and it's really frustrating that life turned out in exactly the same way.
My FI's parents live in the same town, by the way, so although they're not my favorite people my kids wouldn't even be exposed to them either.
Rachel: I shared the exact same jealousy. My cousins got to know my grandparents and the whole family for the people they were - heck, they spoke the language 10 times better than I did, so even if I got good quality time with them the language barrier made things impossible. So, I know the feeling, and it's miserable.
I dunno - when I get childish I blame my parents for settling in a place that SUCKS SO MUCH.
My FI & I really hate where we live as well. We have lived here since we were babies. It's really all I've ever known. Sometimes it is scary thinking about moving to a new place , but we are just not happy where we are living. We dislike the climate ,the people, & there's nothing to really do around here after you've lived here for so long. My parents mean the world to me ,& my family, but it's just not seizable. I really want my children to see their grandparents and everything. Is it really worth staying though to make your parents happy? They want us to stay here, but want what is best for us. I FI can not find a job anywhere in this location so thats the main reason we will be moving. I really hope everything works out for you, and I hope you make the decision you want to make, not your parents. Good luck with everything. P.s your parents could always visit and let them know they are always welcome. Hope that helps a bit.
- Pam.
We moved around alot when I was a kid but my parents settled for good, right before my freshman year, in a teeny tiny farm town where everyone is someone's cousin and everyone knows everyone's business. I literally left right after high school graduation to come to Louisville for college. I don't hate where my parents live as much now as I did when I lived there. SO and I definitely won't be moving there though. We bought a house in Louisville and neither one of our jobs will force us to relocate, at least not in the foreseeable future. This puts us 3 hours from my parents and 13 from his. We plan on spending the holidays with his family and stopping at my parents' house on the way to and from as it is perfectly on the way. (lol, okay maybe not perfectly, but like 30 minutes out of the way.) That way our future kids will know his family and my family.
I'm a 3rd generation native to my town in South Fl. It also has seen a huge boom in the past decade or so. I thin it's going to happen where ever you go. Both DH and I would love to buy a house in the area , but the current economic climate is not allowing it right now. I wish it was more like it was when I was a kid , but it's not so bad here that i hate it ..... yet.
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I always envisioned that when I got married my husband and I would settle down and would be near my folks for them to enjoy grandparenting. See, when my parents got married they moved thousands of miles away from all their extended family, so I grew up with no aunts and uncles, no cousins, and no grandparents, even though our families totaled mored than 100 on each side.
So, now that I'm getting married and planning a family I'm thinking about these issues, and it really makes me sad to realize that my parents have settled for good in a town they moved me to when I was in high school. I don't like it. One bit. Not the people, not the climate, not the location, nothing about it. They moved us there because it was a small place good for raising children, but it grew recently and it's become this giant corporate metropolis with no local charm any longer.
The point being - I have zero desire to live there when I'm married and so it's a guarantee that my children will have to suffer the same family-less fate I did, all because my folks settled someplace I absolutely hate. My FI hates it as well (his folks pulled the same trick on him, moving him there when he was young.)
Does anyone else feel this way? I look at the situation and I realize that there's absolutely no solution.