Post # 1
I always envisioned that when I got married my husband and I would settle down and would be near my folks for them to enjoy grandparenting. See, when my parents got married they moved thousands of miles away from all their extended family, so I grew up with no aunts and uncles, no cousins, and no grandparents, even though our families totaled mored than 100 on each side.
So, now that I’m getting married and planning a family I’m thinking about these issues, and it really makes me sad to realize that my parents have settled for good in a town they moved me to when I was in high school. I don’t like it. One bit. Not the people, not the climate, not the location, nothing about it. They moved us there because it was a small place good for raising children, but it grew recently and it’s become this giant corporate metropolis with no local charm any longer.
The point being – I have zero desire to live there when I’m married and so it’s a guarantee that my children will have to suffer the same family-less fate I did, all because my folks settled someplace I absolutely hate. My FI hates it as well (his folks pulled the same trick on him, moving him there when he was young.)
Does anyone else feel this way? I look at the situation and I realize that there’s absolutely no solution.
Post # 3
We won’t be living by our families, but we’re ok with that because we also want to live in a place that FI and I are going to be able to easily find a job. As someone whose grandparents all died while I was very young/not alive, I know that yes, as a kid you miss them. But you will be in the position where your kids will be able to know them with a car trip/plane ride, and they can always come visit you, too! Not the ideal solution necessarily, but the best for your kids and yourselves.
Post # 4
I feel this way. I hate where I grew up. After high school graduation, I could NOT wait to get out of there. I grew up in a small, sports-obsessed town a la Varsity Blues. No one ever leaves. You’re born there, you live there, and you die there. I lived at college for four years and moved somewhere else on my graduation day. No way was I going back.
My parents recently moved a little outside of the town into the suburbs but I still don’t love it there. My mom is incredibly disappointed that I will likely be living in NYC, or farther away (!!) when we have grandchildren. Especially because my sister stayed and will likely never leave.
FI grew up in a similar town about 45 minutes from where I grew up. His parents are heartbroken that he has no desire to move back there. Eso. because his brother lives right down the street.
We’re kinda like the black sheep of the families ;o)
Post # 5
I got in my car and rode off right after highschool. Best decision I ever made. I now live about 1200 miles from my parents. That’s what trains, planes and automobiles are for!
Post # 6
R and I both hate the general area where our parents live (mine move around a lot, but they’re usually within 20-30 miles of where I went to high school) but have decided to stay here just because family is here. It’s a really hard decision, and one that I regret a little every winter!
Post # 7
I didn’t grow up in an area near my grandparents. They were a few hours drive away. My parents had to go somewhere where the schools were good without having to pay private school tuition. Now I live about a day’s drive from where my dad lives. I wouldn’t want to live there though because we would probably have a huge commute to jobs. It would probably cost more to live there too. With the availability of flights, I don’t really think it’s so necessary to live near your extended family anymore.
Post # 8
I couln’t wait to get out of my hometown. Now I live across the country and that’s just the way I like it! Similar to hotchild, I lived in the type of place where people were born, stayed, and died. It actually was a source of contention between me and an ex who were dating long distance – he had all these visions of grandeur about me moving back home when I was done university, blah blah blah. I still visit home over the holidays, but I end up feeling like Zach Braff in Garden State.
I have thought about my parents not being around when FI and I have kids, and it does bum me out a bit, but I don’t think its a good enough reason to entitle myself to a life of misery moving back home. We couldn’t do it anyway – FI would be unable to get a job there.
Post # 9
if your parents moved to raise kids, there is a chance that they’ll move when you have kids somewhere. You may not think so, but some of my friends’ parents with very established roots have purchased vacay homes, or condos, or whatever to be near their children’s families. Choose somewhere that you really like though, hopefully near an airport that travels to your parent’s state just in case.
Post # 10
I had the same problem growing up. My parents had moved to a tiny little town after they were married and it was far away from all of their families. We would usually go visit them once a year, but it wasn’t the same. I was always jealous of my cousins who knew my grandparents as people because they got to see them all the time. Now I want my future kids to know their grandparents! Except that I really can’t move anywhere near where they live in Forks, WA. There are no jobs there, unless you count those related to vampire tourism. 😉 But now we live about 4 or 5 hours away so we could visit fairly easily.
Post # 11
@Valhalla: FI and I laughed SO HARD watching that movie, because it’s SO super-awkward when we come “home.” We’re always overdressed, people just ask us constantly about the subway, and it’s hard to eat anywhere besides Applebee’s or TGI Fridays. Ha.
Post # 12
I don’t *hate* it, but it is not my favorite place. When I was growing up, I got crap for any reason you could get crap for. The crime rate was high, the literacy rate was low. Any time I went out with an older relative, we’d encounter some long lost family member. I began to worry that I was related to nearly everyone in the area, and if not, any person I might fancy might be related to nearly everyone in the area. and if there’s no relation, then everyone knows everyone knows everyone’s business, and the last thing I want is the town knowing my business. My mom is definitely guilty of being in the knowing everyone’s business, so I don’t really tell her all that much.
I like to use this anecdote as a glimpse at the state of the area: Between the ages of 18 and 21, ages when most people aren’t with child, when a guy would hit on me and find out I was between 18-21, the next question would be “how many kids you got”. Not “do you”, but “how many”, like I default to having at least one. There was also the lovely “you got a man?”, which would be fine, were it not followed by “would you cheat on him?”.
My family keeps harassing me to come back, I’d definitely find a job there… but I don’t think I’d be happy. My mom keeps trying to tell me that the area is doing better, and when I visit, it looks like it is, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
Post # 13
@hotchildinthecity: I know exactly what you mean, I spent several years in Chicago, a few years on Long Island (which is actually also where I was born), am in Providence now and FI has lived in Providence, Boston and NYC.
We get the same questions about Subway/Cabs/City/Traffic/etc. I had a friend from high school come visit me in Chicago, it was her first plane ride EVER at about 25 years old and when I picked her up from the airport she was literally “ducking” in the car in fear of an accident every 2 seconds. I find it comical, but there is also a huge part of me that is so thankful I took the chance and high-tailed it out of there. I can only imagine how things would have ended up for me if I hadn’t.
Post # 14
My parents live in a podunk hillbilly town. There are no opportunities for me and I hate being so far removed from reality. I really hate that place–I’m embarassed to say I went to high school there. Hate it with a passion. It’s such a loser town. Its like hotchild said–you live there, you breed there, you die there.
Unfortunately my parents will move to St Louis when Hell freezes over. They are retired and would much rather live their luxurious life quietly than have to deal with the city and being near us and their grandkids.
Post # 15
My parents met in Texas. My mom had recently been divorced and never had the money to move back to NJ. My dad was from NY and stationed on the gulf with the Coast Guard. After they got married and he left he got a GREAT job for a major oil company and we stayed in Houston. MY grandparents and all my aunts, uncles, and dads sibilings lived up in the northeast. We spent every other summer for 2 weeks up there. My dads parents bought a winter house in milder Texas so we got to see them a lot. Now, I live near an aunt/uncle but my parents live over seas. I met my SO here, his family is here… parents, siblings, and aunt… but that’s it. I REALLY want to move back to my hometown in Texas. It’s housing is so much more affordable, the environment is better for raising kids, and it’s so much warmer! lol. He doesn’t. This is always our biggest argument. I want MY parents around (they’ll be back soon, my dads almost retired) for the grandchildren. Not that I don’t like his. I love his. But they’re not mine. I want to be able to call MY mom :-).
We often say that maybe we should move to a completely NEUTRAL territory. I keep suggesting another city in Texas. He doesn’t like that. I think I’m more eager for Texas than my parents though 🙂 Luckily, Carraba’s has blue bell homemade vanilla ice cream on their menu! lol
Post # 16
@EJS: FI and I NEVER tell people where we’re from. “Albany” is general enough for me, and he says “west of Albany, sorta towards Syracuse.”
I wish my parents would move closer to the city, but they never will. They’ll have my sister, because she’ll never go anywhere.