Post # 1
I’ve been wondering whether any of you had/have people that were expecting to be a bridesmaid or groomsmen that neither you or your partner chose to take part in the wedding?
The reason I’m asking is because SO and I have talking a far bit about what we’d like for our wedding and while I would prefer not to have any bridesmaids, he wants art least 3 groomsmen. He has said who the guys would be and he’s very close to all of them so I understand why he wants them to be apart of his big day. My main hesitation with having bridesmaids is that I’ve watched decade(s) long friendships crumble because brides and bridesmaids have clashed that badly! However, I also don’t want the fuss of thinking of other people’s dresses, shoes, hair, accessories etc on top of my own because I’m not really a girly girl and don’t often think like a fashionista.
After speaking with SO I sat and pondered about who I would have as bridesmaids and came up with 3 girlfriends who I confess my soul to, however word has gotten back to my high school friends that SO is more than likely proposing this year and a few of them have said things like “I can’t wait to be your bridesmaid and go dress shopping with you etc..” Needless to say these aren’t the girls I was thinking of…
have any of you experienced this?
Post # 3
@krayzay87: Yes. The final decision is your’s. Be firm and kind and tell your HS friends”Aww I appreciate you want to be in the wedding but I’ve already chosen my bridal party”. You really don’t owe an explanation. Just say you’ve made your decision and you can’t wait to see them at the wedding.
It really is presumptious and rude to assume you are in someone’s bridal party.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - EDD 06/12/2016
@krayzay87: I asked my sister, my cousin, and my FI’s two sisters. Well for some reason his cousin thought she was gonna be one (she hasn’t talked to me in almost 2 years, AND never said a word to me when we got engaged). She talked to her mom, who talJed to me and she also talked to my FI’s sisters. It’s crazy drama but I don’t even pay attention because I’m not gonna let others choose for me. It’s your day pick whoever you want and if they have a problem with it, oh well!
Post # 5
I love my bridesmaids- I think ALL of them knew/expected to be in my bridal party. I dont think I had to outright ask any of them- even though I totally still plan to ask them in some cute way.
and of course there were some people- who dont know I have picked a bridal party yet and are hinting very strongly (people I have not seen in 1+ more years and rarely speak to on facebook). so awkward.
Post # 6
I could have written this post and I am in the very situation. Long before we even got engaged my FSIL told me in no uncertain terms that she will be following our wedding. Needless to say that I had not really thought about including her and I already have a fairly large number of friends and cousins who I wanted in the bridal party. I am the only girl with five brothers. I also have a High School friend who also assumed that she would be my Maid of Honour. Although we continue to keep in touch, she moved to another country over 8 years ago and we are not as close as we were before.
So following the engagement I thought long and hard about who I would pick. Ultimatley I decided to go with the persons that I am close to at this point in my life. Unfortunatley that does not inclde my FSIL or my High School best friend.
One tricky part though is that I have not informed them both that they are not part of the party because I never confirmed with them in the first place that they were being considered. That might just be my harsh approach. My FI says that I have to bite the bullet and tell his sister because she is really looking forward to it and will be disappointed. And while I appreciate that I just feel as though I am supposed to make right a situation that she basically brought upon herself. Ah well I will tell her the next time we visit her.
I also have a cousin who I am 100% certain thinks she is in the party and she is not.
Ah well, this bridesmaids thing is too much. And worse yet, since selecting my four girls I seriously feel as though I could dump two of them. One has given grief with the shos selection even though I am paying for it. She wants nothing with her toes outside because she has corns, whatever. And the other is showing little interest and when she does all she does is compare my decisions to what she did at her wedding. Ah whatever. I just had to do that little rant.
Post # 7
I had this problem with a girl I had known less than a year. We got engaged and I made the decision of who I wanted to have in my bridal party and I avoided telling her because I could tell that she was expecting to be asked. Went to dinner with her and another one of my friends (who also wasn’t a bridesmaid, but didn’t really care). and she asked me expectantly, “so who are your bridesmaids”. When i told her her face fell and she started pouting…so uncomfortable.
It was one of the situations of…really? You really thought I would want you in my wedding. You lived in my basement for 3 months without paying me a cent because your husband that you cheated on called and begged…and then when your three children visited you you had me babysit while you went out with your new boyfriend of two minutes that you “Love” and never said thank you? Why would I want somebody that rude to stand up there on the day of my wedding?
Want to know the real kicker? This was her comment on the photos from the wedding, “Well, they’re pretty, but there’s only one photo of me” ?????!?! Ooops, I’m sorry my photographer didn’t take enough pictures of you….she was too busy taking pictures of me…. Some people are clueless
Post # 8
My best friend in high school, who I haven’t realllllllllllly talked to or seen in about 2 years, got SUPER upset that I didn’t ask her. She’s pregnant and due the day before the wedding. I mean she told me when she got pregnant, but we didn’t talk much. But boy she put some nasty things about “fake friends” on her fb after she found out she wasn’t a bridesmaid.
We don’t even talk anymore!
Post # 9
My 21 year old FSIL, who I am close with but have a long history of problems with, expected to be in the bridal party. I did not choose her. In fact, it became a huge issue between me and FI because my brother, his brother and his 11 year old sister are all going to be in the wedding, and he got mad that she would be the only sibling left out. Bottom line is she just had a baby, has a lot of personal issues, and would ultimately be a bad bridesmaid! So I made my decision and stuck to it. I felt bad when I told her that she wasn’t going to be in the wedding, but she seemed to take it relatively well. (FMIL on the other hand did NOT take it well. She secretly hates me for not making his sister a bridesmaid. But I’m not here to please everyone. Sorry.)
The decision is yours to make, and yours alone. You cannot try and worry about other people’s feelings when it comes to this, because then you will end up with a wedding party that may not ultimately be supportive like they should be!
Post # 10
Thank you for your replies!
I’m so glad I’m not alone! To be honest the girls I have thought of asking I know would move a mountain for me if they could, and I for them. Whereas my HS friends are still a bit self centred and I think will be more concerned about how they look on the day and in photos etc instead of helping me out, which I’m really going to need because I suspect there will be some family drama I’ll have to deal with too. (But that’s a whole different story!)
Oh lord I haven’t even thought about my own SILs and SO sisters, though I’m sure they wouldn’t expect to be in the wedding would they??..eek!
I guess I’m a little bewildered because I would never expect to be in anyone’s wedding party and thought it was a bit presumptuous and rude, but that’s just me!
Post # 11
First time poster here!
I saw this thread and I finally HAD to comment. No more lurker bee here haha.
I am going through this exact same thing. I have 3 bridesmaids whom I cherish deeply and have been with me through thick and thin. They have supported my whole relationship with FI and I 100%. I have another friend whom I am relatively close to. She is a nice and kind person most of the time but has glaring character flaws. Se has NOT supported my relationship with FI 100% since the beginning, in fact caused a lot of drama about it, gossiped about me, and she loves to put others down.
Needless to say I hesistated to put her by my side on the most important day of my life, and FI was strongly against it – “All she causes is drama!” (to get a picture of what she’s like, FI gave her a $100 birthday present after they had a small fight to make amends and she gave it straight back to him.)
She found out she wasn’t a bridesmaid and kicked up a HUGE stink. Ignored me, gossiped about me (as usual), and basically tried to make me feel guilty as for not including her. I spoke to her gently and reassured her she was special to me, my good friend, and that if I had more bridesmaids she would have been one. Not enough for her. Now she’s been making passive aggressive comments about “not sure if she will be at the wedding” and is making travel plans and since “i’m not involved in your wedding I have the freedom to go.” She wants me to beg her to stay. I’m tired of it – you wanna go? ok go, you won’t be missed. I wanted to ask her to help out in other areas of the wedding, to show how special she was to me….now I don’t think so. It’s upsetting and not helpful.
Thanks for posting this topic and allowing me to vent my feelings…it’s like what many bees have posted – you find out who your true friends are when you get married!
Post # 12
I had 3 BMs, until I heard through the grapevine my FSIL was very upset she wasn’t included. I’m 5 months into planning and I JUST added another BM bc of this.
It’s family, so I’d rather make sure everyone is happy…but it came as a surprise bc we aren’t close and I had no idea how upset I had made her.
Do what you feel is best when it comes to including family, but put your foot down where you need to. Adding BMs can be very expensive and add drama!
Post # 13
@ekee: You go girl. Keep it drama-free – you DON’T need ppl like that bring you bad energy on the happiest day of your life! If she was a real, true friend she wouldn’t be hurtful and cause so much drama. Sounds like you made the right choice.
Post # 14
funny…I have had multiple women flat out ask me if they were in my bridal party. And this was in minutes of them learning that I was engaged. I’m actually not having bridesmaids (primarily to mitigate this type of drama) but if I were, I just know some feelings would be hurt. I had one girl call me up specifically to sell me on why I need to have bridesmaids and why she needs to be one. smh.
Post # 15
DH and I included our siblings…that meant his sister was one of my BM’s, and my brother was one of his GM’s.
I found out from my brother that his girlfriend’s feelings were hurt that I didn’t ask to her be in the wedding. Umm, really? She and I were college friends, lived in the same suite my freshman year. After that year I transferred to another school, and we really didn’t connect again until after college (when facebook came around). She came to my area (beach town) for vacation a couple of times and we visited, where she met my brother at dinner one night. Apparently they hit it off, facebooked, and started dating.
Yes, we were friends, but not close friends. While they’re engaged now, they weren’t even engaged at the time of my wedding so it’s not like she was even my FSIL at the time. Hell, they’re engaged now, we live in the same town, and we still hardly hang out.
Post # 16
I’m also in that situation. My fiance’s brother expected to be a GM, and isn’t, and isn’t happy about it.