Does a request to slow things down = eventual break up?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5285 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Trust your instincts.

Post # 3
Member
1437 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

mohbestie:  It sounds like he is basically priming you for the fact that he’s nowhere near ready for marriage, kids, or a very serious commitment. He’s leaving the door open by saying he’s “thought” about it so that you might stick around, but he wants to have an out when it’s a year from now and he’s still not ready.

The thing is, though, that 8 months is really not a long time. At all. I don’t think my FI and I had even really discussed marriage or co-habitation at that point (we got engaged after 2.5 years together). So I’m kind of torn on my thoughts. I think he’s well within “normal” territory to not be ready to move in after only 8 months, but I also think he’s trying to show you that he doesn’t want the same things you do in the near (i.e. next 5 years) future.

Post # 4
Member
1055 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Loft

mohbestie:  I second PP. Go with your gut. I’m sorry, but it sounds like a stall tactic. There is a reason he is not married at 32. Some men are a little later to the game and that is perfectly fine. I think it is clear that he is still very much living “his” life.

Post # 5
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

mohbestie:  Agree with what the PP stated!!  It truly is a mix between trusting your instincts, which are probably all over the place right now, AND not compromsing yourself or your future too much.  I applaude him for being honest with you, and communicating his feelings.  I am not sure how I would personally take such ‘news’.  If he only wants to slow down in the moving in, engagement departments, then I think you need decide now f you want to wait it out, rather than deciding because you hope he will change his mind (which, probably does not seem to be the case!).  IF you do decide this is not a reason to end things, then I would caution you to NOT play house with him too much.  Ensure you are not over there setting up house and home,  because he has certainly let you know he is not ready to share it with you, and so he does not deserve the ‘best of both worlds!

If he wants to slow down the relationship to the point of spending less time together, not being ‘so committed’, then that is something I would – personally – NOT put with.  

 

Post # 6
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius

mohbestie:  I agree with PP to trust your instincts. Just because a guy is freaked out after 8 months together though, I wouldn’t freak out too much, and it sounds as if he is trying to communicate with you in a mature way. My FI was a little freaked out at first, I was his first ‘proper’ long term relationship, we did ‘long distance’ (about 50 miles apart) for a year, seing each other every weekend pretty much, occasionally in the week. Then I got a job closer and moved into the next town 10-15mins away and that was the next year, he agree’d to just look at places and then when he fell in love with one after much thought agreed we should move in together, even then any conversations about getting married and having babies was sort of off limits, he didn’t want to talk about it he wasn’t ready yet. Then after 18 months of living together he proposed and we are getting married in November, the babies thing still freaks him out, it happens in it’s own time, so I would just let him have his space and see how things go. Don’t wait forever but give it a fair chance 🙂

Post # 7
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

I would leave it alone and not stress for the next few months. Give it, say, 6 months and see where he is. Don’t have any more “state of the relationship” talks – do your own thing, date him exclusively, etc. If in 6 months he’s nowhere clearer – then you can take stock again. But you really haven’t been together all that long.

Post # 10
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I agree with the PPs to trust your instincts… maybe feel out the situation?  Come New Years, he might change his mind.  However, it may not and he may feel even more like you two are on a different page… which, from experience, can lead to that eventual break up.  I suggest giving you two more time.  Let the relationship transform.  If you stay at his house a lot, he may think, “why doesn’t she just move her stuff in?”  At this point, you don’t know how it can go… but it can go one of two ways.

Time (as in the next year) will be your best indicator.

 

Post # 11
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I don’t think he is being unreasonable. You haven’t even been together a year yet. I would continue with the relationship as it is now.

Post # 12
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’d give it 6 months then reevaluate and make a decision. You haven’t been together very long and 6 more months will only have you investing a little over 1 year into this relationship. I wouldn’t rush this, but I also wouldn’t want to waste my time. 

Post # 13
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

mohbestie:  He sounds like a good guy who is concerned about your feelings. I’d trust him for what he says. Give it 6 months – I’ll bet you’ll have a very clear idea then. My fiance is 32 as well – I think at this age they’re better about being clear what they want. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

In the grand scheme of things, 8 months isn’t long at all, like PP have said.  I give him credit for being honest with you and I don’t see this as a stalling – he’s just honestly not ready to move the relationship forward.

Post # 15
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

mohbestie:  I don’t see this being a breakup at all. I think he’s being responsible. 8 months isn’t really a terribly long time to be together, and it doesn’t sound like he wants anything to change. He just can’t ask you to move in as soon as you guys had originally planned. You were the one that urged him to live on his own, and I don’t think that is a death sentence for your relationship. I would give him a little time yet, and perhaps after a year and a half of dating or when you see he’s settled in, you can revisit the issue.

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