Post # 1
Good morning Bees,
I am a little thrown for a loop today. I have been with my 32 year old boyfriend for 8 months and we had planned on living together in the New Year. He just bought a house this summer and has been living on his own for the first time in his life. He has always lived with girlfriends or roommates so this is truly the first home that is really his. Originally, he wanted me to move in right away. He thought since my rent was so expensive this would make sense. I told him that it would be a better idea for him to live there alone for while since he has never done that before. I told him that I could see our relationship going the long haul and I didn’t want to take away what could be his only chance to live alone. He agreed and that was where the New Years plan came from.
Last night he sat me down and said that after a lot of thought, he does not think he will be ready for me to move in come January. He said that with renovations still being done, and not having all of his furniture yet he does not feel like it is his home. He said he didn’t want to break up, but rather slow things down. He does not know when he will be ready for me to move in and he doesn’t want to set a timeline on it. I asked him flat out if he saw a future with me and he did say that he has thought about marrying me and even fantasized about how he might propose. So I asked if maybe the idea of moving in with ME was scary because it might mean he never lives alone again (since he has moved in with other girlfriends so easily). He said that might be it, but he wasn’t sure. He also said that he feels like I am wanting marriage and babies sooner than he will be ready for them (I am 28) and he doesn’t know if he can give that to me on time. He did stress that he doesn’t want to break up, just slow things down. He also said that he knows that marriage and babies are important to me and if he didn’t see that as a possibility in our future he would never string me along. I can see where he is coming from, but I left that conversation feeling very uneasy.
I feel like this can go one of two ways. Either he does see himself with me for the long haul and he just needs more time, or he is preparing me for when he eventually breaks up with me.
I really love him, but I don’t want to waste my time. Not sure what to do.
Post # 3
mohbestie: It sounds like he is basically priming you for the fact that he’s nowhere near ready for marriage, kids, or a very serious commitment. He’s leaving the door open by saying he’s “thought” about it so that you might stick around, but he wants to have an out when it’s a year from now and he’s still not ready.
The thing is, though, that 8 months is really not a long time. At all. I don’t think my FI and I had even really discussed marriage or co-habitation at that point (we got engaged after 2.5 years together). So I’m kind of torn on my thoughts. I think he’s well within “normal” territory to not be ready to move in after only 8 months, but I also think he’s trying to show you that he doesn’t want the same things you do in the near (i.e. next 5 years) future.
Post # 4
- Wedding: December 2014 - Loft
mohbestie: I second PP. Go with your gut. I’m sorry, but it sounds like a stall tactic. There is a reason he is not married at 32. Some men are a little later to the game and that is perfectly fine. I think it is clear that he is still very much living “his” life.
Post # 5
mohbestie: Agree with what the PP stated!! It truly is a mix between trusting your instincts, which are probably all over the place right now, AND not compromsing yourself or your future too much. I applaude him for being honest with you, and communicating his feelings. I am not sure how I would personally take such ‘news’. If he only wants to slow down in the moving in, engagement departments, then I think you need decide now f you want to wait it out, rather than deciding because you hope he will change his mind (which, probably does not seem to be the case!). IF you do decide this is not a reason to end things, then I would caution you to NOT play house with him too much. Ensure you are not over there setting up house and home, because he has certainly let you know he is not ready to share it with you, and so he does not deserve the ‘best of both worlds!
If he wants to slow down the relationship to the point of spending less time together, not being ‘so committed’, then that is something I would – personally – NOT put with.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2014 - Mauritius
mohbestie: I agree with PP to trust your instincts. Just because a guy is freaked out after 8 months together though, I wouldn’t freak out too much, and it sounds as if he is trying to communicate with you in a mature way. My FI was a little freaked out at first, I was his first ‘proper’ long term relationship, we did ‘long distance’ (about 50 miles apart) for a year, seing each other every weekend pretty much, occasionally in the week. Then I got a job closer and moved into the next town 10-15mins away and that was the next year, he agree’d to just look at places and then when he fell in love with one after much thought agreed we should move in together, even then any conversations about getting married and having babies was sort of off limits, he didn’t want to talk about it he wasn’t ready yet. Then after 18 months of living together he proposed and we are getting married in November, the babies thing still freaks him out, it happens in it’s own time, so I would just let him have his space and see how things go. Don’t wait forever but give it a fair chance 🙂
Post # 7
I would leave it alone and not stress for the next few months. Give it, say, 6 months and see where he is. Don’t have any more “state of the relationship” talks – do your own thing, date him exclusively, etc. If in 6 months he’s nowhere clearer – then you can take stock again. But you really haven’t been together all that long.
Post # 8
He didn’t indicate anything about spending less time together. He actually said he wanted to leave things just the way they are for a while, which would mean spending quite a bit of time together. I don’t have any expectations of him changing his mind in time for our January date, I suppose I am just worried that we are going to approach next summer and he will still not be ready. Or worse, he will meet someone else and decide he wants the committment with them.
He has introduced me to his extended family, which I see as a good sign. I do agree that 8 months is not a lot of time. I guess I just had higher expectations for our age? I was in a relationship for 9 years previously and I don’t want to go through that again.
I told him last night that I don’t want him to have all the control. I don’t want to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind about me.
Post # 9
I should point out, that he did seem very concerned when I got a little upset. I admit, I cried a bit. Not because of him saying he didn’t want to live togther yet, but just out of worry that he was easing me into a break up and I expressed this to him. He told me this morning that he mad at himself for not choosing his words better and letting me get to the point of tears.
Post # 10
I agree with the PPs to trust your instincts… maybe feel out the situation? Come New Years, he might change his mind. However, it may not and he may feel even more like you two are on a different page… which, from experience, can lead to that eventual break up. I suggest giving you two more time. Let the relationship transform. If you stay at his house a lot, he may think, “why doesn’t she just move her stuff in?” At this point, you don’t know how it can go… but it can go one of two ways.
Time (as in the next year) will be your best indicator.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I don’t think he is being unreasonable. You haven’t even been together a year yet. I would continue with the relationship as it is now.
Post # 12
I’d give it 6 months then reevaluate and make a decision. You haven’t been together very long and 6 more months will only have you investing a little over 1 year into this relationship. I wouldn’t rush this, but I also wouldn’t want to waste my time.
Post # 13
mohbestie: He sounds like a good guy who is concerned about your feelings. I’d trust him for what he says. Give it 6 months – I’ll bet you’ll have a very clear idea then. My fiance is 32 as well – I think at this age they’re better about being clear what they want. 🙂
Post # 14
In the grand scheme of things, 8 months isn’t long at all, like PP have said. I give him credit for being honest with you and I don’t see this as a stalling – he’s just honestly not ready to move the relationship forward.
Post # 15
mohbestie: I don’t see this being a breakup at all. I think he’s being responsible. 8 months isn’t really a terribly long time to be together, and it doesn’t sound like he wants anything to change. He just can’t ask you to move in as soon as you guys had originally planned. You were the one that urged him to live on his own, and I don’t think that is a death sentence for your relationship. I would give him a little time yet, and perhaps after a year and a half of dating or when you see he’s settled in, you can revisit the issue.