Post # 1
I have a situation here – my wedding is in about 6 weeks and the invitations have already gone out. We invited close friends and family including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and first cousins.
Except for one of FI’s cousins.
FI has a problem with the cousin, which I usually agree with but feel is irrelevant to the question of whether to invite him. (It’s not illegal activity, the cousin is basically just a lazy bum who is mooching off of family rather than getting a job/ showing initiative.) FI feels like our wedding is something he can control and wants to exclude this cousin, even if it causes rifts in the family.
I personally would rather the cousin not come, however I don’t like FI using OUR wedding as a way to make a point . This is when we combine families and we’re already excluding someone. His aunt, the cousin’s mom, has said that she won’t come if her son isn’t welcome. I don’t want to enter a new family with someone holding that attitude toward me, or us, or our wedding. Furthermore, I feel like FI has made enough of a point by withholding the invitation this long and bringing his disapproval to light.
So, is this really FI’s choice, that he can invite who he wants and leave out who he wants among his guests? I am trying to convince him it’s not that big of a deal, but he won’t budge. I really hesitate to send the invitation anyway, so I feel stuck.
Post # 3
It’s completely up to the bride and groom who they want to invite to their wedding, although it’s generally considered rude if you’re not "fair" when drawing the line. If all first cousins are invited except for one, it comes across as unfair/rude. I could understand if FI and the cousin weren’t on speaking terms because of some unforgiveable offense, but your wedding doesn’t seem like the time to make a statement about FI’s disapproval of the cousin’s lifestyle.
Post # 4
How do your FMIL and FFIL feel about the exclusion of this one cousin and the potential rift it could cause? Maybe they can talk to him about it and come to an agreement?
Post # 5
I wouldn’t be comfortable excluding a cousin because he’s "just" a mooch. Like loveatfirstsightlover said, if it was an unforgivable offence that’s difference but I don’t think a wedding is the time to make a statement like that. Especially since I think you’re probably right, as unfair as it might be, there could be some resentment directed at you if the cousin was not invited.
That said, it is up to the bride and groom who to invite (assuming you guys are paying for the wedding).
Post # 6
There is a split… FSIL and FI do not want to invite the cousin. At first it was okay with me not to invite him but now that it’s a huge deal and point of contention I want to give in. FMIL, aunt, grandmother, brother of the cousin all think he should be invited.
I really just have to get FI to see the light that this isn’t a big deal except he’s making it into one. I hope we can be on the same page.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t go against your FIs back and send the invite. I think you should just let him have his way on this. If it causes problems in the family- direct them to your FI.
That said- I agree that it’s not a big deal and would probably be more grown-up and easier to just invite him!
Post # 8
Obviously your FI’s cousin is a very sore point with him. Do you think there might be anouther reason he is so adamently against him coming?
I definantly do not think that you should send the invitation behind his back. I really think that will make things worse. This is his wedding too and while I know that you don’t want to enter a family on bad terms, I think you need to respect your FI’s feelings and if he doesn’t want his cousin at the wedding then he shouldn’t be invited.
My FI has a similar cousin, but he is not coming to the wedding because he would have to travel. Good luck!
Post # 9
Have you talked to him about it in terms of how you want this to be an opportunity to bring your families together, and this is just causing a rift. I know in my circle this would one way or another end up being reflected on me (i.e. I should have shown him what was reasonable etc). Dont’ know if that’s the case for you, but can you discuss it in that way? Acknowledge that you understand his objections, but it’s really jeapordizing your relationship with his family and that’s not something you want…and probably not something he wants either.
And can you have your FMIL or his aunt talk to the cousin so he doesn’t do whatever behaviors irritate your FI (or is it really just the way he lives?).
Post # 10
It’s up to both of you. If your FI gets his way just make sure he knows that he’s got to handle the issues within his family. Honestly if this has been THAT big of a deal within the family (where the aunt is threatening not to come and all these others think he should be invited blah blah) it seems impossible to me that the cousin in question doesn’t know what is going on already So your FI would just be beating a dead horse by not inviting him; the cousin probably is aware of your FI’s disapproval by now. Maybe he wouldn’t come even if he DID get an invite.
Post # 11
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I gave it 3 days and brought it up to FI last night, just asking if he’d given any more thought to the situation with his cousin.
Although he sounded a little defeated, he has decided not to exclude the cousin. So, I think he’s being reasonable, he’s decided not to make this a barrier to enjoying our wedding, and we’ll see what happens from here.
It really was his decision (or at lest his family’s, as his mom and aunt want the cousin to come) — and I am happy to support his decision.
Post # 12
Well it would be tacky to send the invite now! He already held it, and it would arrive late, which is in poor taste if you plan to invite him. I wouldn’t send it at all.
Post # 13
Actually, now that he held the invite, his cousin might be offended and decide not to come anyway! Then it would be a win-win situation for you guys! Good to hear though that you guys are starting off on the right foot by supporting whatever decisions you each make
Post # 14
@mshymanroth – I don’t think it would be "tacky" to send the invite now. Many people have B list guests that they send invitations to after they start receiving "no" RSVPs. While the it is not ideal, you do what you have to.