Post # 1
My husband and I moved from London two years ago to a small city in the South East when he got a really good job here. At the time we were not married and I encouraged him to go for the job as he had been trying to get permanent work in the UK for years and I was worried he would move abroad and I would lose him (as he is not born in UK) if he didn’t find work. I told him I would move anywhere with him. I left my job my friends and my family and a city I have always loved living in.
I had no idea how doing this would affect me. Since we have been here I have been extremely down and had anxiety attacks, insomnia and worry so much about the future not feeling I have any choice about my life anymore. I really miss living in London. My parents who I am really close to are in their 80s now and I had always desperately wanted to have them near when I had kids (something we are planning). My husband’s family live abroad and it is really important for me to have some family and friends near. I also find that in this city it’s really hard to meet people and they are generally quite unfriendly.
My husband and I have only been married for a few months now but we have argued lots over the two years we have lived here about whether to move back or stay. I have always ended up feeling bad and trying to look at the move more positively but then I just feel incredibly depressed and lonely again. I have not been sitting on my hands here, I have done a postgraduate degree and am now working but none of these things have brought me friends or made me happier here. I have looked at whether we could move somewhere in the middle but there is nowhere we would want to live in between. My husband does not like the idea of living in a village as he says we are city people which is true. The other week I told my husband that I really didn’t feel it was a choice anymore – I have to move, especially if we are going to start a family and he has said he will commute (1.5 hours one way by train) so we can move back to London. I feel so relieved but I worry about asking this of him. I do think though that the commute on the train when he can read and play games etc will be less tiring than my unhappiness. Does anyone else have a husband that commutes so that they can live ear friends and family? How long is their commute? Is it important to other people to be close to one side of the family when planning to start a family.
Post # 3
Before we were married my DH commuted a little over 1 hr each way because he worked in a city where no family and friends lived and would rather stay where he was. The commute was very hard on him. But he had to drive. A train may not have been so terrible. 1.5 hrs is a long time though.. 3 hrs a day total. That means leaving you earlier and getting home to you later. just something to think about! He may be miserable himself when he gets home at night. Maybe have him stay with family for a week in London and have him try out the commute for a week and see if it is something he can tolerate? I can totally relate to living somewhere far from family and friends and being miserable and lonely. I would have happily done an hr and a half commute to get out of that situation too. Hope it all works out!
Post # 4
@mrs.stormylove: Thanks so much for replying. I know he is going to find it hard but he loves playing chess online and listening to podcasts both of which he can do on the train rather than when he gets home which he usually does. I think I would rather have him get home later and feel that I can be a happy and generous wife when he does get home than have him home earlier and just be trying to hide how down I feel. We are going to do exactly what you suggest- he is staying with my family in London over Christmas and he is going to try the commute then so we will see. I was planning for us to move to the other end of the city from them which will cut his commute time by about 15 minutes. Although I like that area of London less and he says 15 mins doesn’t matter, I think when he’s doing it 5 days a week it will matter. Can I ask you – did you stay near friends and family after you were married or did the commute become too hard for your husband? Thanks and best wishes to you.
Post # 5
Luckily my husband start a new job the day after we got engaged so we both drive around 20-30 min for work and live near friends. Being happy where you live is so important so its grea that your husband is supportive and is willing to commute. Glad he is testing it out first but yeah if my husband had a train option it would have been a lot less painful!
Post # 6
At 3 hours a day he is actually spending 30 days a year, 1 MONTH of the year on a train commuting.
Now some people do this, but I would not willing enter into this kind of commute for myself unless absolutely required. 1 month of my year is a lot of time to spend commuting when it is not necessary.
What this also means to me is that you are only 1.5-2 hours from your family? That isnt a very long train ride for weekend visits.
I will also add that my DH commutes 40 minutes in the AM and 1 hour 15 minutes at night due to traffic varying he comes home not in a great mood because of all the time he wastes commuting. Commuting a long time can really be a downer.