Post # 1
My FI seems to think money grows on trees and isn’t really willing to compromise on anything to save money. But we cannot afford everything he wants. I’ve offered to elope, use silk flowers, skip the DJ, go to the courthouse, etc. but he’s insistent that “We’re only doing this once so we have to make it count!” Which I agree… but around here, it’s basically impossible to have a super fabulous but inexpensive wedding when you SUCK at DIY. I do not have a creative bone in my body. And everything around here won’t even let you bring in your own catering, you have to use the house, and at like $60 a plate, which is astronomical to me.
I’ve been able to negotiate with a couple services, got a photographer to come down from $900 to $700 if we sacrifice engagement photos (which is fine, my mom’s friend is a hobby photographer and offered to do it for the cost of lunch and gas), I’ve been able to get a DJ down from $1300 to $900, but it’s still so much! Ahhh! And we could have saved on an officiant, $120, for free from an acquaintance of mine but he doesn’t want anyone we know to marry us.
Anyone else feeling like having a panic attack when they think about financing the wedding? And does anyone else have a similar disconnect with their FI about money in this regard? Seriously. I would go to town hall. I love wedding planning, don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome, but when I tally everything up? I want to elope!
Post # 3
Can he DIY? ‘Cause if he wants that stuff, he can have it if he can make it. Other than that, I suggest making a budget in Excel and showing him what these things are costing, then compare it to how much you guys have been/will be able to save for it. Dunno if he’s like my SO, but dude loves Excel. We use a budgeter to clear up all money squabbles now. I’m sure you have, but talk more about what’s important to both of you, and, mainly, why. He wants to do it “right”, but there is, of course, no such thing as “right”, just right for you two and your guests.
I would feel weird getting married by a stranger, but I can also see how someone could feel the opposite. Perhaps a family friend of yours could do it, someone he doesn’t know and who has more age/inferred authority to them.
Great negotiating jobs!
Post # 4
I feel this way a little, I don’t think FI’s ideas are crazy or unattainable. But to come out in the green does require some planning and forethought. He’s not so much into that…but I keep on him and truly he has come to see things my way. He has become much more organized and is very loyal to our wedding budget spreadsheet.
I’m very organized and could have this all settled on my own but we’re planning this together so it takes comprimise and working to eachother’s strengths.
I’m actually really grateful FI is excited about wedding stuff and DJ’s and food and not the “whatever you want” guy other’s talk about.
Post # 5
Yeah, my fiance initially wanted a big fat Italian wedding with all the trimmings when all I wanted to do was a) elope or, b) go to the courthouse. In the end, I told him I didn’t want any of the things he wanted in a wedding, so if he was happy to organise it and pay for everything (I would pay for my dress, bridesmaids’ dresses, officiant and half of the photographer – because they were the only parts of the wedding I really cared about). After a few weeks of fiance looking at venues and prices, he came back to me saying “Your parents have a pretty nice backyard…how about we do it there?”
Post # 6
@LadyElva: Aaaagghh me too!
FH definitely wanted a huge 150 person wedding (that’s huge to me) somewhere fancy with fancy food and fancy clothes, he wanted “his moment” in the sun in a way… way more than than I ever did. I like the idea of a big crazy party but I’m not willing to pay for it. We met in the middle kind of, but it was really hard to get him to even be satisfied with that and not sulk that he wasn’t going to have his rock star day. (ESPECIALLY since he wanted this rock star day sooooo badly but wasn’t willing to put in basically any extra work!)
Post # 7
Thank you all for your replies!
@kit10: I have made an Excel spreadsheet… and that DID start to ring some sense into him, but he just shakes his head and says, “I’m getting a new job soon! It will probably be able to pay for this!” *sigh* It’s not that I don’t have faith in him getting a new job, but I’m worried about what he *thinks* they’re going to pay versus what they’ll *actually* pay.
@icetea: Yeah, it is nice to have someone who is involved sorta’. He is somewhere in the middle. He listens to all my wedding ramblings, but he doesn’t offer any insight into what he specifically wants, and then when I get frustrated with the cost and say “LETS ELOPE!” he shuts me down. I understand that he doesn’t have a lot of time to think of weddings, like I do… I’m between semesters of college right now and I only volunteer 2x a week, which leaves all the rest of the time open to surfing the ‘net.
@LadyElva: Lol big fat Italian wedding. Maybe I should offer something similar- I’ll pay for these things I care most about, the rest is on you.
@Bebealways: 150 is huge to me too! We’re looking at like, a 40-60 person wedding. And lol @ Rock star day. I think FI feels this way, too. He’s always been a “I’ll wait my turn… here in the corner… in the shadows…” sort of dude, and now I think he feels his wedding will be his turn to shine. I don’t wanna rain on that parade. I just don’t want to pay for it lol.
Post # 8
Ah, yes, the expectations of what a new job might pay. SO had that too a couple years ago. It wasn’t wedding related then, but he did want to go on a specific vacation based on what he might get paid. I talked him into planning the vacation we could afford if he didn’t get a raise, by tempting him that we could upgrade smaller stuff when the time came, or not if we couldn’t. He didn’t feel as strongly about that as a he or yours do about the wedding, though. Still, promising to upgrade stuff if you do have more money then might work. Stick to the smaller guest number and venue, but let him go crazy with fancier suits, groomsmen gifts, maybe a hipper DJ/live band, add a videographer, things that would make him feel like a “rock star” (lol @Bebealways), but that don’t blow any of your contracts with wiser choices?
Post # 9
@Omgbunnies: Preeeecisely that!!! He also has cousins who are a lot richer than his immediate family and have these opulent “event of the decade” weddings everyone talks about for ages and I think he feels nobody’s ever talked about HIM like that… I think he really wants some people in his family, who I admit aren’t always super respectful to him, to feel like he’s “made it” in life and is strong and responsible.
I never realized until this wedding planning just how much it hurts him that certain people seem to refuse to admit that he’s a great guy who’s made a lot of good decisions. (Possibly because his success and happiness is occasionally related to directly contradicting their advice.)
We’ve come to what we think is the perfect compromise — a rock-star-ish event, in our own nerdy, offbeat way, but for no more people than we can afford. (50 or less) And since we’re visiting our home country for the wedding, we’ll spend our extra time there hanging with friends and family, including some who might have missed the wedding itself. I think it works out!