Post # 1
I was curious as to whether anyone lives with their H’s parents and if so I would be interested in hearing your experience and perspectives.
Background–I have been married for almost 3 months now. DH is long-term unemployed, but luckily he was smart with $ all his life and a good amount saved. I work and he and I live in my teeny tiny apartment that I own. This works fine for us for now, but next year we agreed to start to try for children. He would be a stay-at-home dad while I work.
However, the cost of housing is so incredibly high where we live, and I am sure that my DH would need help with a child, and since I would be working, I have the idea of selling my little apartment and living with his parents. I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, and I probably wouldn’t ask them about it unless they offered.
But I am just curious as to who may be in a situation like this, and how it works out for them.
Post # 3
While I can say that it will definitely vary depending on what your in laws are like, I have been living with my FI’s parent’s in their basement for the last year and a bit.
I honestly really like it, My inlaws are great people, FI’s brother, wife and 4 kids live in the house next door, it’s like a big famiyl compound LOL.
We have dinner with them during the week and fend for ourselves on weekends. We have our own space in the basement, so i never feel uncomfortable or like I have to be shut in my room for a little privacy. It;s a great way to save money, and I really appreciate them for allowing us to move in!
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
It really does depend on your in-laws! You probably know best whether or not this is something that seems like it will work out for you. Even then as in living with anyone be prepared for some adjustments on both your parts. Two of my close friends lived with their inlaws and neither had a good experience but honestly that wasn’t too surprising knowing the families.
Friend #1, lived with her DH in his mother’s house. His mother would tell my friend she needed to leave the house so she could clean it. They were not allowed to use the kitchen after she had cleaned it (pretty much NEVER use the kitchen past 8pm) and they had to “keep it down” after hours. Her MIL basically felt they were guests in the house and felt the need to be constantly cleaning and taking care of them. She would not hear of them doing anything! But it didn’t work out well when they say wanted to make dinner at 8pm and her kitchen was closed! They got their own place.
Friend #2, lived with both her parents before and after getting married with her now husband. Her parents would set curfews, had scheduled chores, etc. Basically treated her the same way they did as a teenager! Her DH who was used to no household structure at all couldn’t take it. He flipped out one night packed his stuff and left! She followed soon after…ironically enough they now live with HIS mother! That however, seems to be working out just fine. So don’t be discouraged!
I think you just need to talk about certain ground rules and expectations ahead of time. How will you handle household chores, groceries, dinners at the house etc? If you can work some of these things out ahead of time it’s for the best and should give you a good idea on how things will be if and when you move in. Also think about privacy! Will you two have your own space? How will that be respected? You don’t want Mom and Dad coming in at an inopportune time!
Post # 5
I really hate to say it, but if you feel that you’ll need to move in with your ILs in order to afford a child, maybe its not the right time to have one?
I mean, I guess it varies by family. I’ve never lived with DH’s parents, but he did during college and law school, and we’ve spent several-week long vacations there. We are 100% treated like children in their house. Staying in his childhood bedroom, meals made for us, laundry done, curfew and bedtime (well, “you must stay in ‘your room’ and not be disturbing past a certain hour” time). I wouldn’t move in with them unless I had no choice.
Post # 6
Thank you bees for sharing. My in-laws are very nice people but I’ve yet to live with them. As of now I haven’t mentioned this idea to anyone yet though.
@UsagiTsukino: I hear what you are saying, but I am 37 and he is 51. It’s pretty much now or never. 🙂
Post # 7
We’re planning to live with my parents later this summer and rent out the tiny apartment that I own for this very reason. We have every plan on this being temporary because we want, desperately, to save the money we get from a renter to pay for a downpayment on a small house.
We both like my parents but I won’t pretend that it’ll be easy or that we’re going to LOVE every minute of being there. We’ll be on a different floor of the house, and we’ll have our own bathroom and easy access to the laundry room and the back yard. The biggest problem I see is the kitchen. My parents are not adventerous eaters AT ALL and we are. I love to cook but my mom hates basically everything I’ve ever made and usually won’t even try it. They also have a food pantry and chest freezer that are quite literally stuffed to the brim with food they will probably never get around to eating but buy in bulk anyway. It’s going to be difficult to find space for our food and a time when I can cook just for us. Whenever I try to cook something to please everyone, it ends up being bland and boring. Since they hate spicy food, anything salmon, most herbs and definitely anything ethnic I’m probably going to hear a lot of complaints if I make the house smell like anything ‘offensive.’ They eat a lot of fast food and often end up eating McDonald’s for dinner. I’m hoping that there will be plenty of nights where they’re running errands and I’m able to cook for us. I just have to figure out a way to get some refrigerator space and maybe a shelf in the pantry!
Post # 8
@artichokey: Aw man. I would love to live with your parents. I would eat McDonalds with them every night.
It sounds like you are being very realistic about the whole thing though!
I am afraid of bringing this up just yet–I think my husband might have a heart attack if I mention it. Still mulling it over in my mind. Obviously I wish the marriage started out under more auspicious circumstances but I am not sure I want to give up the last chance at children because of it.
Post # 9
@mimi123: Oh well that changes things, for sure.
Post # 10
@mimi123: Just one thought, but if you are 37 and he is 51, then his parents are likely well into their 70’s and might actually need your help soon. Are you willing to be raising a baby and then soon after taking care of them? I’ve always kind of anticipated moving my parents in when they get older, so for me I don’t think it’d be an issue, and they might love taking care of their grand kid while they still can, so it could be a win win! It could also be very stressful…
Post # 11
@mimi123: I haven’t, and I would never. FI and I are very private and we need our own space. I would not want to live with either of our families and I would find a way to make living alone together work at.all.costs. That’s just me though. I’m sure it works for some folks.
Post # 12
@mimi123: If he is 51 then they have probably been used to being on their own for a long time and probably enjoy not having children in the house. I would be very careful about asking them this because they may not want it! Also, be prepared that if you live with them and have a child, they are very likely to try their own parenting philosophy with this child, whether or not it is the same as yours! I would not do it!
Post # 13
@mimi123: I curently live with my husbands parents and I cant wait to get out!!! Granted we have been living there for almost 2 years now and that has been way too long! We have only been married 2 months now but our goal was to get out once we were married. We bought a house that is closing July 15 and we will probably move in in August so not too long now!!! His parents are great but we are ready to have our own space and enjoy married life together..alone
Post # 14
@mimi123: FI and I are moving into our new place next week, but have been living with his parents for basically free the last 3 months. It really does depend on the in laws but mine are great and while I am so excited to have our own place again, it definitely hasn’t been bad living with them and allowed us to save a ton of money for the new place and our wedding. As long as you all get along and respect each others space, it can be done 🙂
Post # 15
We live with my parents, pay half the bills, half the rent & let me tell you its soo hard & theyre MY parents lol. Were moving out next year because its not an easy situation.
Post # 16
DH’s mother lives with us. It’ snot hte same situation…we are on the more financially stable end, while she basically lives rent free and pitches in with what she can, when she can since she is from another country, and has about a 6th grade educaiton, she only makes enough money to pay her car payment, gas, and insurance…so that she can attend her church functions and stuff. She does help when she can like she gives us money for the utilities and stuff….but basically when I met DH all those years ago he made it clear she would always be living with us, unless she choses to remarry. I accepted this because I was soooo in love and got along with her quite well. I still do although someitmes I get annoyed with her whe she gets demanding (I mean, common stop demanding things when we basically take care of you)
so my advice if you decided to do this is that you remain obliging and optomistic, don’t get that entitled additude, and also realize you may have to let alot of things go when it comes to his parents especially his mom. Establish an understganding of communication…my MIL told me before we got married that she prefers I come to her if I have a problem with her or anything she does and not to put DH in the middle. I think tha’ts wise, a little easier said than done…but wise!
Other than that, we get along quite well. I’ve been married for a year…she made herself scarce for the first 9 months but now she’s been home more and more…and before we got married she was around alot since I was always with DH, so I have been pretty used to having her around…it’s not so bad.
Also…I concur with the whole childcare thing. I figure the face that she lives here will be quite a plus when we start our family. She’s a great grandmother….she has other grandchildren but the’ve all grown up…I know she’s dying for a new one.