Post # 1
Ok, so my fiance and I have been together for 4 yrs. Engaged for about 3 months now and we’re getting married next year. I’ve been enclosed in a cloud for surrealness for about 3 months until now. I don’t know why, but lately it seems like everyone we know is either cheating or splitting up. Especially couples I never thought would. I know we’re NOT them but we have our disgreements. We both know marriage is going to take work every day & it isn’t a happy ending and really shouldn’t change our relationship.
Has anyone out there gone through the same thing where it feels like everyone you know is getting divorced? Any words of wisdom or ways to cope with it?
Post # 3
Such is life; unfortunatly. You just have to remain true to your relationship & hope your partner does to.
Post # 4
Within 6 months of getting engaged and right around the time I started seriously shopping & planning wedding stuff, 2 of my 3 closest friends were ending long term relationships – one getting a divorce after 10 years of marriage (and we really thought they would last) and another moving out after 4 years of living with her bf. It is a little discouraging to see so many people who thought they would last forever eventually split up, but every situation is different.
You might try to come up with examples of people who have made it work (parents, grandparents, co-workers, whoever…) and maybe talk with your fiance about the differences you see in the couples who stay together and the couples who drift apart. (If you feel brave, maybe even ask those couples how they’ve made it work.) Whether it’s shared interests, mutual respect & trust, or just a serious commitment to working together on your relationship, these things can help you identify how your relationship will be able to stand the test of time and what the two of you plan to do to ensure this. It sounds like you are very practical and realistic in the fact that you don’t expect marriage to be a magical happy ending without any problems or difficulties (which sounds like common sense, but so many couples seem to think marriage or a baby will solve all of life’s problems.)
Plus you have the assurance that you are not rushing into anything – 4 years is a long time, you know each other very well by now and have found ways to deal with any issues that arise – as long as you are happy and feel your relationship is healthy, I see no reason that wouldn’t continue. (In the instances of my friends, there were serious problems in the relationships from the start and they were just hoping things would change/get better.) Just to be clear, I’m not trying to say that dating or being engaged for a really short amount of time is necessarily bad, but I feel like a longer relationship has been tested and through a lot more (most of the time) and that after 4 years, you really know what you are signing up for.
Well, hopefully some of that is helpful for you…I was going to say something about how if 50% off marriages end in divorce, then that means that 50% stay together and find a way to make it work, but it looks like the percentage might not be that bad:
Post # 5
My parents have had a ROUGH 28 years of marriage… so every time i hear of people i know divorcing or long relationships breaking up.. i think of my parents. and if they can get through what they have, so can we. Marriage is how each couple makes it. I do not beleive in divorce and neither does FI so we’re going into marriage with a positive attitude and thinking it will never happen. I think it’s one of those things like when you get a new car you start noticing EVERY car like yours on the road. When you get engaged/married you notice EVERY couple that is either getting married or divorced.
Post # 6
Thank you so much for those posts. Definately making me feel more hopeful about things. My fiance and I definitely know each other well after 4 years and so far we haven’t had any major issues or red flags. I guess it’s just disappointing to see people you care about get married for the wrong reasons or not try to work through it. Hopefully we’ll be part of that 50% that doesn’t divorce. Thanks Again!
Post # 7
Every relationship “fails” until one doesn’t. Other people breaking up is scary, but I think that if you acknowledge that it is weird and uncomfortable, and that it is normal to feel that way, you can put it in its place. Breaking up is a part of life, but it need not be your future.
Post # 8
I’ve thought about this as well. My FI and I both come from divorced homes, but it seems like perhaps this makes us want to try harder to stay together. Anytime we fight, we make sure we don’t go to bed angry, and realize that we will have our disagreements. I also have to remember that I’m not perfect and neither is he so we just have to work through it.
I have 2 aquaintences who have gotten divorced within a year of being married, but other than that, all my friends are just starting to get married, or move in together, so I’m hopeful that we will all manage to stay together!!
Post # 9
I have 1 that served his wife divorce papers (which they’re now working it out), 1 that is finalizing a divorce, and 1 that I’m really worried may get to that soon.
In all 3, the self became more important than the union and 1 or both stopped working on anything “mutual” about their relationship. In the one I’m worried about, They know they lead different lives, but yet, the desire to even attempt to reconnect isn’t even there. In my opinion, it’s like they’re asking for it.
Marriage takes work, and even my parents almost 30 years later at more than one point contemplated divorce, and they’re so happy! Marriage is up and down, good AND bad (do people remember that part of the vows?). There are legit reasons but so many just bail when it gets hard.
Anything worth having is hard 🙂
Post # 10
I often have these concerns myself. It seems like no one stays together these days, and those that do are often unhappy. There are the occasional happy long term couple you hear about (but I don’t know personally) but they same to be the exception and not the rule.
I am especially disenchanted because my parents divorced after 35 years of marriage. Talk about crushing….you think after 35 years of investment in a partner and family would mean something….but your relationship can come crashing down at any time it seems like…I hear people who say “my parents have been married 25 years, 30 years, whatever, its so great” I say…who is to say in 5 more yrs it won’t be over? Sorry to be negative and pessimistic but I totally feel ya 🙁
Post # 11
my hubby and i have been lucky enough to have good role models for marraige. both of our parents are still together and have been married over 40 years.
Post # 12
The stats for certain couples are actually really encouraging! If you’re marrying over 25, graduated from college/or have a post grad degree, did not have kids before marriage, etc, the divorce rate is shockingly LOW. The stats people bat around (50% divorce rate!) really are social group dependent, and should be taken with a grain of salt. It sounds like you and your FI are being really smart about this – you’ve had a long stable relationship, and are putting a lot of thought into your future. It’ll be fine – just remember – you aren’t them!
Post # 13
It happens to the best of couples, sometimes they just can’t get things together, and the best decision is to just break up. But it’s important to keep in mind that other couples are not you and your fiance. You guys are different, your goals, ways of communication, ways of handling problems are different. So don’t be afraid that you’ll fall into the same path as them. Every couple has their own unique journey. .
A relationship is just two imperfect people trying to co-exist and build a life together. It won’t always be perfect, but it also has wonderful rewards. Every couple I’ve spoken to who have been married for more than ten or fifteen years all tell me the same thing: that it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, that they encountered moments of sheer frustration, but they worked hard to stay together, and are glad they did 🙂
Post # 14
My parents are still married. 34 years last week. Not perfect, not “easy”… but pretty damn good. When I see all the people around us splitting up, I just remind myself that they figured it out and made it work and we can too.
Post # 15
The stats can be scary, but it doesn’t mean your relationship is going to become a statistic. Like anything else, we hear more about breakups and divorce than we do happily ever afters…
Post # 16
My parents have been married for 31 years, together for 45, and have a lot of ups and downs but always worked through it. Funny that my dad and hubs moms were both alcoholics (his mom so much worse tho) and they were both given ultimatums – my dad picked us and never looked back. And he is the best dad I could ever hope to have. hubs mom on the other hand, still drinks and always chose it over family. Now her 2 kids don’t want to talk to her, and hubs dad is so much happier without her. Which breaks my heart cuz his dad is really awesome and so easy to get along with, and if she just would have picked her family over the liquor, I know they would still be together today. But, you make your choices in life. Hubs and I have already had our share of good and bad times, and have talked extensively on how we will make our marriage stand the test of time. Its not always sunshine and rainbows, but everytime you get through a difficult moment together, your bond is stronger. And also, we got married over 25, I have 2 college degrees (hubs doesn’t need one for his profession and wouldn’t have gotten one anyway), and no kids for either of us so that means a low divorce rate from what I see.