Post # 1
Hi Bees, I need some help. After 5 years of being with my guy we finally got engaged March 31st of this year. I should probably also add that out of those 5 years 3.5 of them were in a long distance relationship so to finally get to this point is very special. Our wedding is going to be June 21, 2013 and we are so excited. A few weeks after I got engaged I asked my closest friends to be in my wedding party. One of the girls is pregnant and due in late of October of 2012 so my wedding date is far enough out that she said she could still do it. I was also a bridesmaid in her wedding. Another one of my bridesmaid (pregnant BM best friend since they were 8) got engaged 5 weeks after me and is also getting married in 2013. I live in one state and my entire bridal party lives in another state so I am all alone up here with the wedding planning.
Pregnant BM was putting a lot of pressure on me from the second I got engaged. Stressing on when my wedding date was going to be, which I couldn’t set until I found a venue. Anytime I had a tentative date, she would immediately have an issue with it saying it conflicted with some other plans she had going on at that time. I probably should also mention that my fiancé and I are paying for this wedding ourselves and our budget isn’t that big which made it a little bit more challenging in finding a venue. 6 weeks ago pregnant BM and I were texting (she loves to text and I hate it). Before I knew it -the conversation turned into an argument and the last thing she said in a TEXT was that she couldn’t handle my drama or negativity and was dropping out of my wedding. I wasn’t giving her drama and I’m probably one the most positive people anyone has ever met. I mean sure I can get frustrated just like any other human being and I will vent when I get upset just like any other human being, but for the most part I’m A glass is half full kind of girl. The thing is I don’t even know what we got an argument about because everything happened so fast and it’s so easy to misconstrue someone’s tone in a text. We were going back and forth about dress shopping and I think she thought I was upset that I was doing it on my own (yes my mom also lives in another state) and I do admit I may have said one snarkey remark which was that I felt people I worked with cared more about my wedding planning than my friends back home, but I was not referring to her specifically and before I had a chance to clarify that, she was dropping out of my wedding. I immediately picked up the phone and she refused to take my calls or reply to my texts. I was devastated to say the least. This happened on a Saturday and I sent her a very short email that Monday stating how awful I felt and that I hope we could have a conversation about things once she cooled off. I also apologized in the email for anything I may have said to offend her. It’s been 6 weeks and I have not heard back from her. And looking back at how difficult she was in the beginning with putting all that pressure on me to set a date I wonder if she ever truly wanted to be my BM in the first place.
Since drop out BM is pregnant we have been planning a baby shower for her. I had a small part of putting some games together. I was planning my entire vacation around her shower. But it’s been 6 weeks and I have not heard from her. So yesterday engaged BM called me, (Best friends to pregnant drop out BM) and we had a long talk. She basically said that I have to understand that pregnant drop out BM is pregnant and has awful pregnancy hormones and this trumps my wedding. It doesn’t matter she broke my heart and that I was really counting on her to be there for me on my special day because she is pregnant and she kept stressing that pregnancy trumps wedding. When I expressed how sad I was that 6 weeks has passed and she has yet to reach out to me, she said that pregnant drop out BM was surprised that I had not called her. But I did reach out right after the misunderstanding, but she said it was too close to the argument and it doesn’t count. Engaged BM also said that I am obsessing over the fact that pregnant BM dropped out via text. That dropping out via text in 2012 shouldn’t be a big deal. I’m an old fashioned girl and I think certain conversations should be done either in person or over the phone. After I got off the phone with engaged BM I cried. I am not heartless and I do love my friends unconditionally, I want to be compassionate towards her and its killing me that we are not talking. So I started wondering maybe I do need to be the bigger person and reach out to her once more.
So my question to you girls is: Do I try to reach back out to her? Part of me screams no and can’t stop thinking about how she dropped out my wedding via text. I mean even if she was having a pregnancy hormonal fit that might excuse her for the moment, but to let 6 weeks pass knowing how much this has to be killing me. And then the other part of me simply wants to let her know I miss her and I hope we can make amends. I have been friends with this girl for 12 years! My other question is: do I still attend her baby shower? It’s in another state so I would have to travel to get there. Her baby shower is in 2 weeks! Again I am torn, part of me things hell no- she dropped out of my wedding in a text and hasn’t looked back, why should I still be there for her? But the other part of me still cares very much about her and was very much looking forward to celebrating her special moment with her. And I can’t help thinking what engaged BM kept telling me last night, that her pregnancy trumps my wedding day. But I am not sure how I feel about that. I have never been pregnant so I can’t possibly understand what you go through hormonally, but does being pregnant give you an excuse to act like a heartless A-Hole?
This situation has really put a huge damper on my wedding planning. I know it shouldn’t but it has. I could use some advice Bees. Thank you.
Post # 3
I’m sorry this happened to you. It really does sound like she got overwhelmed by the commitment (pregnancy can be a really hard time which maybe she didn’t realize when she made the commitment to be a BM.)
I would reach out to her, once more, for the sake of the friendship, if it was important to me, and let her know that I understand she’s going through a lot right now. (I wouldn’t ask her to be BM again, though.)
Also, your friend saying “pregnant trumps weddings” is just stupid. You and your friend are both going through life events that are really important to you. You both deserve understanding and support from your friends.
Post # 4
Pregnancy is not an excuse to be an asshole. Millions of women have managed to carry a baby for 9 months without turning into a total bitch and offending those closest to them. I’m totally on your side. I think both of your bridesmaids are being ridiculous. It’s clear that pregnant bridesmaid doesn’t care about your wedding and engaged bridesmaid is freakin’ clueless and jumping on pregnant bridesmaids bandwagon. I don’t blame you for being upset about the text. It may be 2012 and age of the text message but that’s also like the most impersonal form of communication in existence. Pregnant bridesmaid couldn’t even be bothered to answer the phone when you called so she’s the one in the wrong, not you.
I know it sucks but these girls hardly seem like good friends. I had a pregnant bridesmaid and she was nothing short of awesome the entire time. Maybe you should look at this as a learning experience into who your true friends are. If these girls can’t be bothered to be supportive of you, then you don’t need them in your life. I’d also be ceasing all help with pregnant bridesmaids baby shower. She shouldn’t be rewarded for acting like an asshole.
And no, being pregnant does not trump a wedding. They’re both major life experiences and one is not more important than the other.
Post # 5
I don’t think that you can blame pregnancy hormones on 6 weeks of refusal to communicate with you. Your friend is being a jerk. BUT, here’s the deal. If you want to continue to have a friendship with her, you’ll take the high road and continue to plan to be at this shower for her. Then maybe you can get her alone face to face to have a conversation about what her effing deal is…but say it nicer than that. 😉 She probably still won’t be in your wedding, but at least you’ll be friends. If you don’t care about keeping her as a friend, then don’t go.
Post # 6
Honestly, I don’t think the onus is on you here. I also think your friends are both being extremely childish in the way that “they” are communicating with you. This is 8th grade stuff here.
I think pregnancy hormones are a cop out excuse in a lot of situations. Sure, maybe in the initial argument, yeah–hormones got the best of her. Thats fine, I can accept that.
However, those particular hormones did not last 6 weeks. You called and e-mailed. She ignored you. Thats on her. If this were me, I would not go to the shower–but if you go that route, expect that it will be a friendship ending decision. And based on how cliqueish they are acting, it could end it with both BMs.
Post # 7
@swirl23: Oh hunny I am sorry your going thru this! I do tend to agree that being pregnant is no excuse to be an a**hole. And the fact you tried multiple way to reach out to her via text, phone and email?? I think its her job now to call you and make the effort. I have never been pregnant nor do I understand the hormones, but I have a friend who is pregnant in my wedding and she has NEVER done anything like that. If you really do value and want this friendship tho I would still go to her shower. Make that your last efffort. And then you will be face to face to hopefully you will both get the closeur and if she still acts that way twords you then you know you have done all you can and its time to just put it to rest and move on planning the greatest day!! Good luck keep us posted!
Post # 8
It sounds as if both you and your friend who is expecting have been hurt by this situation and that miscommunication and misunderstanding have played a role.
Yes, your wedding is important, and so is her pregnancy. The fact that each of you is experiencing something wonderful, exciting and new in your lives may mean that each of you could be more prone to feeling things more deeply and reacting more strongly than you may otherwise would if you were not planning your wedding and she were not having her first baby. That you no longer live near each other or see each other on a regular basis, and you’ve been communicating primarily via text, have definitely been factors as well.
You made the following statments in your post:
“I am not heartless and I do love my friends unconditionally, I want to be compassionate towards her and its killing me that we are not talking. So I started wondering maybe I do need to be the bigger person and reach out to her once more.”
If you truly do love your friends unconditionally, and if this relationship with your friend of 12 years is truly important to you, then I would suggest that you take the step of going above and beyond what others may think you should do and that you plan to attend the baby shower for your friend. Actions really do speak louder than words.
If you friend arrives at her shower and finds that you have taken the time and effort to drive two hours to be there and share HER special day and give her a gift, I think your actions will show her that you love her and that this relationship matters a great deal to you. I think that she will respond well to that kind of forgiving heart.
I wish you the best!
Post # 9
Okay, so I’m pregnant and also due at the end of October. I’ve also been a BM 4 times. Here’s what I think the issue is: she feels bad.
Being pregnant definitely doesn’t excuse being a jerk (she’s being a jerk) and I think that both of your BMs are being immature. I’d just pick up the phone and deal with pregnant BM directly.
I think that she feels bad because she’s not able to be there for you and felt like you were digging at her because she’s not able to come dress shopping. Her attempts to figure out when your wedding is, while annoying, could be because she’s desperately trying to figure out how she’s going to arrange childcare or when you’re going to need her to help out more. Did she handle this well? Nope…not at all.
Being pregnant has not been the best experience for me, although I can’t wait to meet my baby and be a mom. Now that we’re almost there, I’m exhausted and honestly can’t tell on a daily basis how I’m going to feel. When you haven’t been there, it’s easy-I did it- to say “why can’t you just do that?” etc. Every pregnancy is different. If she’s getting the full deal of fun “information” of what the first 6 months are like, she might just be totally freaking out.
This doesn’t excuse her being a moron and it certainly isn’t a case of pregnancy trumps wedding- I don’t believe that for a second. THis is a huge deal for her and your wedding/marriage is a huge deal for you.
Call her. Tell her you’re sorry about the miscommunication. HOpefully she also apologizes. Let her know if you have any expectations regarding showers, etc. I think that she’s probably on an ultimate planning kick and it’s freaking her out that she’s going to have to juggle all of this stuff. If you don’t know what you want her to do, that is just adding to her anxiety.
Anyway, just my take.
Post # 10
Being pregnant does not give anyone the right to be rude obnoxious jerks.
Pregnancy trumps your wedding? I will put it this way, for you, nothing trumps your wedding, and for this girl, nothing trumps or comes before the life growing in her. So yes pregnancy trumps wedding. If you plan on having a BM that has a family, you have to be understanding enough to realize her family has to come first for her, no matter what, and be ok when she can’t do everything you ask due to family obligations.
Post # 11
I can’t think of any set of circumstances that might excuse this type of behavior….the point is, if friends cannot be happy and excited for each other, regardless of what is going on in their own lives, they probably weren’t very good friends to start with.
Post # 12
I think that the only time a pregnancy absolutely trumps a wedding, is if it is happening to the same person. Your wedding trumps her pregnancy to you, and her pregnancy trumps your wedding to her, end of story. Your engaged BM is being a bit ridiculous with that statement.
Having said that, if you want to try and repair the friendship, going to the baby shower may be a good idea. You’ve already planned around it, you might as well go so that you can see her face to face. Here’s the thing, though, don’t talk about your wedding, or the blowup. Just go and attend the baby shower, enjoy yourself, coo over the baby things. It’s not going to do anyone any good if you bring up the wedding, and she gets upset, in which case you might get blamed for ruining her shower.
If all is good and civil at the shower, give her a call when you get back. If she doesn’t answer, you have your answer, if she does, that is the time to mend fences.
Oh, and I wouldn’t keep worrying about her dropping out via text. Is it a bit rude? Maybe, but it won’t do anyone any good to dwell on it.
Good luck, OP.
Post # 13
@Brielle: Hi. Thank you for your advice. I am a 3 hour plane ride from the state she lives in. I was going to go see my parents on my vacation and then drive to her shower which is a 3 hour car ride. Now that it’s getting close to her baby shower, not sure if I could even find an affordbale ticket. But I am going to make a final attempt at saving this friendship which is important to me. I’ve decided to send her a note or email. Not sure which one yet. Thanks again!
Post # 14
@swirl23: Thank you everyone for all this great advice. It’s so great to get objective advice about this.