Post # 1
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
Hi everyone! I am just after some insight from Bees who have undergone marriage counselling. I am interested to see what sort of reasons lead couples to counselling and what sort of results can be expected.
The problem I am having at the moment is that I’m not feeling a lot of emotional intimacy in our marriage. DH has told me straight up that he doesn’t agree, that he thinks things are great. I have had a few sessions with a counsellor and he is willing to come along for some couples counselling but always says “If it’s what you want.” – sort of makes me feel like if we go, he won’t be going with an open mind and it will just be something else I’ve dragged him into.
When I try to talk to other people about our marriage, on the surface everything seems fine and I worry that I am making something out of nothing. I have no problem articulating how I’m feeling and letting DH know exactly what issues I have. He listens and always seems to receive what I am saying to him well enough. But nothing ever changes from his end. I’d love to go to counselling if it will improve our communication, but I don’t feel like communication is actually an issue between us because we seem to at least understand where the other is. He’s just not willing to act on anything.
Is this something that counselling could help with? Maybe open his mind up so that he can understand why I want to fix our problems? Or do you think we aren’t really good candidates for this?
Post # 2
The fact he is willng to attend is promising but I agree with you: both parties need to be engaged with the process. I definitely think this is something worth pursuing in your situation although there are so many variables which affect the ‘success’ of counselling.
don’t doubt yourself; if you know something is not right trust your instinct. things might seem all good on the surface but you’re the one living it and life is short. I think one of the best things about seeing a counsellor is the fact that the counsellor is an impartial mediator -assuming you will attend someone new together? And sometimes they might be able to get you both thinking from a fresh perspective and/or get you husband to see what the problem is. You both should be prepared to stick with it a while though IMO. Maybe ask the counsellor how many sessions he/she thinks will be required in order for some real work to be done.
Good luck. I definitely think you should at least give it a red hot go but, in answer to your question, no, I do not think it works every time.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
Truffle-hunter: Thanks for the reply. I do think it might be helpful to have a mediator, sometimes I feel like we’re so completely isolated from each other that neither of us are getting through. I honestly feel like unless he really thinks this will be good for us, it probably won’t help. I will definitely go and I have hope that we can work through things, but I do have this fear in the back of my mind that I am just delaying the inevitable.
Post # 4
I think a lot depends on the counselor and the people participating. I know a couple who is having trouble in their marriage, and he suggested seeing a counselor. She was hesitant but agreed to go, but didn’t like what the counselor had to say and quit going. They tried a different counselor, same thing. They’re trying to deal with things on their own, but she has no interest in returning to counseling with ANY therapist.
Your issues don’t seem as bad, though, and even though your DH is hesitant, he seems willing to try it. Perhaps a third party could be what’s needed to help you find a compromise that leaves you bth feeling satisfied.
Post # 5
Daffadowndilly: As a current counselling student I want to let you know that not all counsellors are equal when it comes to their theories and methods. There are various schools of thought and different techniques on how to help people. Some put an emphasis on delving into your past experiences, while others won’t think that is important at all and will only work on the present and future. Some will focus on changing thoughts and behaviours, while others work on communication. Some are directive and some are non-directive.
The point is that it’s important to find someone who’s style will fit fir you and your husband. If you don’t have a great experience with someone don’t assume that “counselling” didn’t work. Instead I would urge you to find out which schools of thought that particular person follows and try out someone different. And perhaps keep looking ifneeded. Some counsellors that are great and individual counselling aren’t as great at helping couples.
Feel free to message me if you have if you have any questions 🙂
Post # 6
The word “always” is tough. It depends on the couple, the issue, the counselor, etc.
A friend of mine and her BF were dating nearly 10 years. He came from a home where his parents married and divored each other 4 times. FOUR times!! They are since divorced and both happily remarried. My friend’s BF was hesitant to get married despite my friend telling him he was not his parents, he had to live through that and most likely wouldn’t do the same thing, and it is not a common thing to divorce and remarry the same person four freakin’ times, among other things. It took him hearing the same exact thing from a third party for it to sink in. They’re now married 🙂
Not the same issue as you’re having, but hopefully the story provides some sort of insight.
Post # 7
I think as long as both of you go into counselling with an open mind! If you feel your communication is fine but you dont see the actions from your SO i truely think that counselling could help. Its always nice (specially for Males) to have an outside perspective!
Post # 8
You’re already going and he’s willing to attend, seems worth a try. It does sound like you are versed in counseling though and understand they don’t work miracles they just help improve your communication and self awareness skills. But perhaps you aren’t communicating as well as you think you are if there is something in your marriage that he sees as a non-issue and you see as needing counseling or a mediator to resolve. So maybe it will help.