- 6 years ago
Anonymous because I think FI knows my username and I don’t want him to see this post.
I have posted previously regarding my father’s recent unexpected passing. It has been about a month now. I am still looking to find a therapist to talk to because I’m not sure how to really mourn, having never really experienced death before.
On the outside, I appear perfectly normal. I go about my day just as any other day before. On the inside I have this nagging feeling of wanting to basically just take off somewhere alone, maybe for a weekend, maybe for a week, maybe indefinitely. Also, I am now consumed with questioning whether or not I want to get married almost all day. My dad was excited for the wedding, always asking me about it, and it’s heart breaking knowing he won’t be there to celebrate and walk me down the aisle. However, I know that my life must continue.
I just don’t know how to get back to being myself. It’s like I want nothing to do with FI even though he has done nothing wrong. I just want to come home and relax and veg out watching tv. He is currently struggling with coping with newly onset anxiety, and clings to me more each day. A while back I posted how I couldn’t handle supporting him, and he acknowledged that and has since tamed it back a lot. But he needs a lot of cuddle, quality time, and a lot of reassurance that I love him, we’ll stay together, I won’t leave him etc. I’m just tired of constantly repeating myself, so when I respond, it’s like an annoyed child responding to a parent. The more he needs, the more I am pulling away.
He’s never been insecure or needy, and I can’t stand it sometimes. Sometimes I think he loves me more than I love him, he tells me how much he loves me always, how much he misses me, always wants to be with me etc. None of this was an issue before my dad’s passing-I can’t emphasize that enough. We get a long great, never fight or bicker, have great communication, and can’t wait for the wedding. But now, I just don’t know. I think it’s a little of everything piling up at once that’s causing me doubts.
I feel terrible because I know he can sense it-I think that’s causing him to be assured even more. Is it normal to withdraw after a death? How do I force myself to reconnect? Would it be best to give into what I want and get away for a weekend? I feel that will make him even more insecure. I’m so completely lost. Sorry this was a bit of a rant, with no clear direction or question, but it is exactly how my mind is running these days…
I also don’t this post to reflect poorly on FI, he is the most amzing, selfless person I have ever met. I don’t think any of his behavior or needs are selfish, I feel I am being selfish by being so withdrawn. I don’t know how to fix it.