Post # 1
Putting this in the right board this time. 🙂
i Am engaged to a great guy, we’ve been together for almost 2 years. I have been cheated on in my only other serious relationship, and that started out as a friends only scenario…..so I definitely have trust issues with opposite sex friends. I think they are totally possible in a lot of cases but I do feel like I need boundaries so that I feel comfortable.
One of my guys’s closest friends is a woman and they have been friends for years. They dated very briefly and decided they were better off as friends. I have had twinges of insecurity with their relationship but I firmly believe that’s my issue to deal with. I don’t think it’s cool to dump friends of the opposite sex once you get engaged. I don’t have close male friends, but I think I would be hurt if my guy asked me to dump them. So I keep those insecure moments to myself. They are actually out together now having dinner, just the 2 of them. They invited me but I wanted to be lazy and stay in pjs! So I told him to have fun. 🙂
However……. I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of him DEVELOPING new friendships with women, to the point that they would going out one on one to lunches, dinners, movies, etc. is this wrong of me? 🙁 it’s something I would not do myself, so I don’t feel like a hypocrite. I’m not talking about going out in groups, like getting drinks with several coworkers. Or even taking lunches with a female coworker. I mean outside of work, he and another woman doing something just the two of them, when he met her after we became engaged.
To to be clear, my guy isn’t doing this. But I feel like since we have never had this discussion, should we? Am I wrong to have that boundary with new women that come into his life? I do trust him but does having this boundary mean I really don’t? I don’t think so but I am confused. I think developing new opposite sex friends is definitely cool up to that point, and I don’t want to be wrong about it. :(.
Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/does-having-boundaries-mean-you-dont-trust#ixzz2nUni8lnl
Post # 3
My husband and I do not have friends of the opposite sex that we hang out with solo. ever since we started dating this has been the case so it was never an issue to set boundaries. However, We both agree that its not appropriate to have one on one friendships with the opposite sex. It works for us and I know it’s not the same for everyone.
If he would have had a female friend when we first started dating I would have never told him to break the friendship (though I would not have been thrilled about it). But, I am like you OP and have been cheated on in the past by BFs who claimed they were “just friends” with the girl. Not cool. So I’m definitely happy that my DH and I have the same opinions and boundaries when it comes to that issue.
Post # 4
I would be uncomfortable with my fiance going out to dinner one on one with another woman. Especially, if they had dated previously. If I told my finace that I was going to hang out one on one with another man I doubt he would like that very much either.
Post # 5
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling this way. I wouldn’t want my husband starting a new friendship with some random new woman
Post # 6
@Lh6: I would be okay with already existing friendships of opposite sex, because you can develop a great relationship with an ex or just a friend you’ve never seen as a dating potential, and it’s okay. But I share the same opinion as you about new frienships. FI doesn’t have female friends, and while I do have a few male coworkers, I consider them more like acquaintances that I get along well with, but would not go out to dinner or have a drink with them any time. I am not a jealous person and I don’t have insecurities about my relationship, but if it happened (new female friend and they’re going out alone) yes it would bother me ! I just don’t think it’s ever appropriate to have one on one ”dating” activities (drink, restaurant, cinema) with a ”new friend” of opposite sex.
Post # 7
I don’t think setting boundaries is really about trust… I trust my SO when it comes to every important thing in our lives/relationships, but I also know he’s human and will be attracted to other women from time to time. I think most people are uncomfortable with their SO developing a new relationship with the opposite sex because in a lot of ways it’s like dating… you’re getting to know someone new and there is always the chance you’ll develop an attraction to them or some level of emotional intimacy. I think you should have the discussion since everyone has a different comfort level.
Post # 8
@Lh6: I personally think boundaries are healthy– in fact, I think it is a loving thing to do to have boundaries for yourselves and each other because it keeps your SO out of an unnecessary level of temptation. Even the strongest person experiences temptation and it would be silly not to acknowledge that. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my FI going to dinners and movies with some other chick he met after me… if he is going to be spending time and money and emotional connection and with a girl it should be me, and I don’t feel bad sayin it haha.
Post # 9
I’ll be totally honest, I don’t get the rationale here. I’ve made lots of women friends since I’ve been with my husband, I guess I just don’t see how male friends should be any different? My husband could just as easily get closer over time to a woman he’s known before me. He could just as easily find himself confiding in her, and even having an emotional or sexual affair with her. I don’t understand why when he met her would make any difference and make him any more or less likely to cheat?
In your case, it sounds like your ex met a woman and ended up cheating, so that situation brings up red flags for you. Fair enough, it’s understandable.
I don’t think it necessarily means you don’t trust him, I think it means you are leery of certain situations. But I’ll be honest….if he already has a woman he is friends with, and feels comfortable hanging out with one on one, the odds are that at some point between now and forever he may meet another woman and become friends with her. If you think that is a situation you would feel uncomfortable with, I think it’s worth having a conversation about it to see what he thinks and feels about the situation.
Post # 10
I think boundaries are fine and perfectly healthy as long as both of you are in agreement 🙂 FI and I don’t hang out alone with members of the opposite sex outside of a work/university setting, that is a boundary that we both agree on. I wouldn’t say boundaries mean a lack of trust at all.
Post # 11
@Lh6: I think having and maintaining boundaries shows respect for your relationship, not that you have trust issues. I am my FI’s first real relationship and homeboy has ZERO game, so I don’t worry at all about him cheating, but I still would feel weird about him developing a strong friendship with another woman. We have couple friends together and he has no desire to hang out for great lengths of time with the wives, so why would he suddenly want to hang out with some other woman I didn’t know? But I also wouldn’t develope a close relationship with a man he wasn’t close to either. There’s no reason to.
Post # 12
Ok, I might hae controversial views on this, but they are consistent with literally eery ounce of my life experience, so here goes…
Men and women are never “just friends.” SOMEONE always has at the very least a mild sexual interest in the other, whether they acknowledge it or not.
Women have a tendency of saying “oh he is like my brother” this is often code for “I really like him,” again, whether the girl realizes it or not.
And yes, sometimes the female DOES actually think of him as a friend, some part of him probably still wants to get in her pants.
SO no, you are not crazy in the least. THis is a particular boundary that is very important to hae in a relationship, in my opinion.
Post # 13
@Lh6: I think it’s a bad idea, generally speaking, for an SO to continue to “go out” with an ex.
I say this being married two decades and having an SO that goes to films with a group of of friends, sometimes all females, sometimesmes just one female and himself. In fact, tomorrow he is going to a Christmas concert with one of our friends, a woman; I was invited but I’m sick in bed.
Men and women together: something may happen. It’s not intentional, it’s not planned. But things happen. Keep the number of opportunities for things to happen to a minimum. And with an ex–hoooboy–that’s another level of potential.
Post # 14
Thanks for all the opinions. To Sara tiara, I don’t mean I don’t want him to develop new opposite sex friends now that we are getting married. I guess I feel like there are different types of friends, different levels of friends? If he meets new women and talks to them at work, does group stuff after work and group things on weekends, I’m cool with it. I guess I just want to be the ‘only’ woman he does that intimate, one on one stuff with. Besides his opposite sex friends established before us, obviously. 🙂 i definitely appreciate the advice though, and am taking it all in.
i can can see exceptions too- like if we both develop a really close mutual friend. I could see me feeling comfortable hanging out alone with her in that situation because she is close to me too.
Post # 15
I get what you are saying & I agree. However, I would not tell my boyfriend not to go out with another woman when it is not even an issue. I do not want him thinking I am controlling or lacking trust. However, if it came up in conversation I would be frank about my feelings. If he was so inclined to “go out” with another woman, I would not take it lightly.
Post # 16
@freshflowers: I agree with this, and so does my SO. From what he’s told me, he was really hung up on one of his best friends for a year or two, and he wouldn’t pursue actual friendship with a girl unless he was interested in her to some degree. Since we’ve been together, all of those friendships have faded away, because they were all rooted in his interest in them and he no longer has any need for that. I know that he has female friends from work, but he would never hang out with them outside of work unless a group was going out after work or something.
And unfortunately on my end, a few of my closer guy friends have made their interest in me known. So he’s pretty sensitive about that too and generally believes that guys are rarely friends with girls that they are not interested in.