Does having boundaries mean you don't trust?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Lh6:  Boundaries can be healthy, but it really depends on the situation. I think that you should consider pre-marital counseling. It could be a healthy way to discuss a lot of things, such as how to raise children and how to handle friendships, in a safe environment.

I do think you’re overreacting a bit when you think about future friendships he may have. I know you’ve been hurt in the past and that is making this more difficult for you. . . but if he hasn’t given you a reason to be suspicious, then you need to trust him. The worst can always happen, but a healthy relationship is built on trust. 

Post # 4
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Lh6:  I totally understand where you are coming from.

I would not be comfortable with my husband going out with a new female friend he just made (hypothetical). Nor would he be comfortable with me hanging out with a male friend.

We’ve actually already made clear boundaries about this, because I reconnected with a super good high school friend last summer and at first my husband was okay with me hanging out with him to do stuff like go rock climbing, but over time it started to bother my husband, so I just distanced myself from the friendship a little, and only hung out with him if other people were around.

Post # 5
Member
795 posts
Busy bee

@Lh6:  Nope, your feelings are exactly as they would be in many healthy relationships. Definitely have the talk, that way there’s no issues in the future. Not sure how appropriate the current friendship is either. It’s great that they invited you, I definitely don’t see a thing wrong in this case, but if they’re going to be doing this often, ESPECIALLY *if* they do not invite you, I would put the brakes on it. Why?? Because cheating does not start in the bedroom. Something that can be truly innocent in beginning can a turn into an affair. I’m not a jealous person at all, but you really have to think these things through and make sure you’re not fostering a potentially bad situation. 

Post # 7
Member
1904 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

@Lh6:  I feel the same way about everything you said 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@Lh6:  I think you should discuss this with him. If you guys can come up with boundaries that you’re both comfortable with then that can be a very good thing.

Post # 9
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

All couples have their own rules of what makes them comfortable, so I think the most important thing is to talk to him about this and communicate your feelings.  I think if you sit down and have a very honest talk, you two will come to a decision you both feel comfortable with.

I have no problem with my FI making new female friends.  We’re long distance, so he’s pretty much always hanging out with other women without me.  I think it’s 100% possible for friendships to be completely platonic.  I also accept that both of us will find other people attractive at some point, but we love and respect each other and would never act on any such thoughts.  We both trust each other to put the relationship first.  You have to have that extreme trust when you’re long distance, and I think it will serve us well throughout our relationship.  Our general rule is to think, “If my FI were doing this, would I be hurt?”  If the answer is yes, you’re crossing the line and need to extract yourself from the situation.

Post # 10
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @Lh6: First and foremost I see that this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

This topic comes up pretty often on WBee.

And you’ll see that people are in one of two camps…

NO ONE TELLS ME Who I Can or Cannot Be Friends With

OR

Boundaries Work For Us

I happen to be very firmly in the latter camp.

Part of the reason is because I am an Older Bee, so have seen a lot of life… and a lot of heartache…

Not only my own, but a lot of other people’s as well.

There is nothing wrong with having Friends.  Mr TTR & I have lots of friends… BUT the majority of our friends are same-sex friends of our own… or couple friends.

We have an agreement (NOT a Rule per se) because it truly was something we agreed upon quite easily from the get go in our Relationship, because in reality BOTH of us had seen the same scenarios many time.

We socialize with our same-sex friends however we please.  We socialize with opposite sex friends in a group or as couples.  WE DON’T SOCIALIZE ONE-ON-ONE WITH OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS

Now many will say this is because we don’t TRUST each other.

But in reality, it is that WE DON’T TRUST ANYONE ELSE WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP

We trust each other implicitly.  But other people… not so much

Too often we’ve seen instances in our pasts where other couples have LOST their relationships or had major struggles because an opposite sex friend got the wrong impression and went too far… be it by saying something, or making a pass.

That makes things extremely awkward for all

And potentially brings the Friendship to a halt… and can also put the Relationship that you have with your Partner at risk when all is revealed… “What ??  You must have done something” as it opens up doubt etc.

Not because you don’t TRUST your guy… but because doubt / jealousy can be evil emotions that can eat their way into even the best relationships if the conditions are right

(ie Tell me it bothers me… Don’t tell me it will bother me more)

Just not worth it.  We don’t risk our relationship… we treasure it too much.

So Mr TTR & I both respect these boundaries… and there are ALWAYS other people around.

In the rare instance that something comes up and one of us finds ourselves alone with someone of the opposite sex in a “social” context… then we let the other person know… so that there is no misunderstandings, or info passed along 2nd hand.

“I ran into My Ex Wife at the Grocery Store today… we talked about the kids”

“I ran into Bob at the Gas Station… his car broke down… so I am giving him a ride home”

etc

Total transparency.  No vagueness.

— — —

As for the situation you describe… here is how I see it.

First Boundaries have to be negotiated / agreed upon.  They can not be FORCED upon the other person.  BOTH people have to see the value in preserving the relationship from harm.

All affairs begin the same way… the same way infact as any relationship… thru spending time one on one together and sharing experiences… most affairs begin as emotional cheating long before there is any physical cheating

This is WHY people make that dumb but true confession “I don’t know it just happened”

One on one socializiing / going to dinner is called A DATE in my world.  Period.

Time one on one in one’s home etc, is called HANGING OUT

Going out with a gang of friends or work colleagues in a public venue is called “Getting Together” or “a Business Meet Up”

— — —

Sure some may call me old-school… but a lot of men when asked will admit that more often than not when a guy hangs with a woman it is because he is “potentially interested”

He likes the EGO boost… he likes thinking “one day” this could be a possibilty

Steve Harvey talks about this in his Book… Straight Talk, No Shooter and has on his Tv show and in many Interviews

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0-e5MWnjic

As women we are pretty naive to this fact… we truly believe that a guy can just be a friend like our GFs can

In reality Men are not wired the same as women… Men are wired as men.  Their Sexual Egos are HUGE.

This isn’t to say that women cannot hang out with men and be inappropriate either.  Cause that certainly happens.  There have been posts here on WBee where women trusted their men totally… but then one day they discovered that the woman who was his “best friend” actually had a HUGE crush on him, and it was causing issues.

Issues brought forward cause “the friend” made things awkward by saying or doing something inappropriate, and then the Man had to have a conversation with his GF / Fiancé / Wife that made the whole situation worse.

So my best advice…

IF you LOVE your man… and your man loves you.  Don’t TELL him what he has to do… set the Boundary Line together as a way of INSULATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP from the rest of the world.

PS… This is sort of a dealbreaker for me & Mr TTR.  It was something we spoke of early on when we were establishing our Dating Style / Parameters.  IF it was an area we saw differently, I think it is something that would have had us questioning the seriousness of the other person, and their willingness to put THIS RELATIIONSHIP first.  So ya would have been a Dealbreaker from the get go.

 

Post # 11
Member
1969 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Lh6:  I’m also uncomfortable with my SO developing new friendships with women.  But I do realize that for me, it is quite the double standard.  My best friend is a guy and I make new maie friends all of the time.  I’m not willing to allow him to prohibit me from being friends with someone soley because they have a penis, so as uneasy as it makes me feel, I suck it up when he has a new chick friend.  My one requirement, is that I meet her.  Now if I meet her and she strikes me as a man-stealing huzzy, I’m shutting that sh*t down! But if not, I’ll be cool about it.  I do trust my man afterall (its other women that I have a problem trusting, which I know is probably all kinds of f*cked up! But it is what it is).  We have basically the same rule for me with new guy friends.  He meets them, and if he feels that their intentions are inappropriate, then he can shut that sh*t down too.

 

If I were you, I’d find a way to casually approach the situation.  I understand its not an issue for you now, as he is not making new chick friends, but whose to say he won’t meet a girl next year, and want to hang out with her. I would personally rather get ahead of the conversation. 

 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Lh6:  I think boundaries are fine so long as all parties know about them.  You can’t just spring this onto your FI out of the blue and expect it to be fine and dandy.  If you don’t want your FI going out one on one with new female friends, you need to lay that down now as a thing you’re uncomfortable with.  But you also need to be willing to listen to him and his needs or feelings about it.  Boundaries are absolutely not a big deal so long as you can agree on them and no-one feels unfairly restrained.  But they have to be mutual, they have to be discussed, and everyone needs to be on the same page with them, or else they’re really not fair.

Personally, I have no problem with opposite-sex friends.  Both my FI and I are bisexual, so if we decided to limit friendships to only the genders we’re not attracted to sexually, well.  I guess we’d be friends with turtles or something.  So for us, communication, honesty, and transparency are key.  If I’m going out to lunch with a friend, I tell my FI, regardless of whether it’s an old married friend from high school or a classmate from grad school or what.  He does me the same courtesy.  That way, no-one feels deceived and no-one feels vulnerable.  And I think that’s the real key.

Post # 13
Hostess
24457 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

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This is a duplicate post so I’m going to close it.  Please go here to comment!

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