Weddingbee boards

So I decided to start my own since I hi-jacked this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-i-be-upsetsadannoyed/page/2

So to sum things up. FI has a very close relationship with his mom and sister. No biggie right, that's a good thing. But he constantly puts their needs/wants/feelings before mine. We've been together 5.5 years and this sore subject has come up many times, always ending with me hoping that once we're married and I was his family that I would be #1. Well last night, we were having an argument and I started blurting out EVERYTHING that was bothering me. Including this. I said that I'd hoped that after we got married *our* family would be his first priority. (also adding something in between tears about how I thought I had become his family all this time) His response: My family will always come before you!

So now we're 5 months away from the wedding and I don't know what to do. We were fighting about something else at the time so he could have said it out of anger, but again, not the first time this topic has come up and not the first time he's flat out told me I'd never be his #1... I told him I'd start calling to undo this whole wedding but he said we should take it "one day at a time" but do I even want to?!

Thanks! Actually the other week he finally started opening up about the whole process of what FINALLY made him decide to propose. His sister! She told him "it's time" and he didn't even tell his parents until after he bought the ring becuase he knew (and was right) they'd be upset about it. ...again WHY WOULD YOU TELL YOUR FI THIS?! So clearly, I have a right to feel unwelcomed around his family!

I know, he's a boy and maybe he didn't mean it like that...that his sister was the reason he proposed, but it's kind of hard to forget. I mean he didn't say something like: TALKING to my sister I realized I wanted to marry you. He just said to put it bluntly: because she told me to.

My husband and I made it very clear to each other that we come first. He is my #1, and I am his. We still make that very clear to each other. My mother once started to quasi badmouth him, and I put a stop to it right then and there. Let me tell you, it's awesome that not only does he tell me that he always has my back, but he shows it too.

If he told me "my family will always come first" as often as yours has (not just in anger is what I'm reading from your post) while we were still engaged, especially if he did it because someone else told him to....I believe I would have left. Because I would want him to be with the person he could put first, be it another woman, or his sister and mother.

@Just_Squeeze: I was thinking the same thing. I mean it was better than what I expected. I expected something spitful again, like "GOOD!" or something. So for him...that was actually a positive thing. But yes, in my heart I was praying he'd say something like "I love you, and I DO want to marry you"

@JamieinMN: I think you hit the nail on the head. I don't think he realizes that our NEW family doesn't diminish his family.

And yes, I understand in some situations his family SHOULD come first, but those aren't the situations we're talking about. It's little things here and there. Like if we're at a family event I become invisible the minute we walk in and he sees his sister or mom.

@Gerbera: Said if perfectly. I adore my FMIL and now that she is getting older and there are health concerns I'm on board with doing whatever we have to make her comfortable. There have been times where FH has had to help her out financially with issues (and wasn't able to fully help me). We made those decisions together. It wasn't well you just gonna have to deal with it. This would defintely have me pump the breaks on any talks of marriage. If two people have tottally different values on the definition of who takes priority in a marriage, I forsee nothing but problems.

I went to pre-cana this past weekend (Catholic pre-marital counseling) and there was a "case study' of your exact situation, a guy who put his mother first. Of the 73 couples in attendance, 100% thought the guy was in the wrong.

The priest who was leading the discussion went on to tell a story of a couple who came to pre-cana a few years ago and the guy told her flat out that she would never be #1. This was 1 month before their wedding and she called it off. She is now engaged to a new guy and is beyond happpy and has no reservations about their future family.

After your wedding day, he's not going to magically change. I know calling off your wedding would be devastating, but I'm concerned why he doesn't even see it as an issue that he wouldn't put you and your (yours and his) family first in his life.

@r0ddysm0m: okay, REALLY SERIOUS this time. Can you call my FMIL and FI and tell them how to be like you? =)

@Miss Tattoo: This is probably the best example I can come up with. Early on in our relationship we were having a romantic lunch that went so well it turned into a night in. He'd said he didn't even want to leave to go get dinner so we just decided to watch a movie at home... (keeping this g-rated) And then his sister called. She wanted popsicles from trader joes, why couldn't she go get it herself? She "wasn't feeling well"...no not like dying or so sick she even needs to see a doctor, she was just too damn lazy and already in bed to go get them herself. honestly, who eats popsicles when they're sick? So GUESS WHO GETS ASKED TO LEAVE SO HE CAN GO TO TRADER JOES...yuuup I should've left and never looked back. *sigh* hindsight is always 20/20

@Just_Squeeze: EXACTLY! And I swear I'll reply to your PM when I get home. I can skim these messages and blink back the tears, but I know I can't hold it in if I get into it. :(

@yellowshoe: So why have YOU put up with this all this time? Its not about him anymore its about YOU. Why was this acceptable to YOU? You accepted it that night and all the times since. You accepted it when you went ahead with this marriage proposal. You consented to this behavior all along...why?