(Closed) Does his past effect your sex life?

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

What has worked for me is talking to my Partner when we are not “in the middle of things.”  Phrases such as, “when you do xxx, it makes me feel unsafe/creeped-out/etc… and it turns me off.”  You want to balance the negative with a positive such as, “But, Honey, when you do xxx, it really turns me on and makes me feel closer to you/loved/beautiful/etc…”.  If after this conversation, during your next initmate encounter your Partner does those things again, be sure to say something right then such as “Honey, I don’t really like that, remember our conversation? But I would LOVE it if you would *fill in something he can do*”.  Then when he does that be over-the-top with your reaction. 😉   It will take some time, and if he just continues to not listen then maybe a relationship counselor would be able to help with the communication barrier. ***HUGS***

Post # 4
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ah, when my FI and I first started dating he had “moves” too. They ONLY reason he stopped is because one night I told him “I don’t know what you’re doing, but I hate that. You need to find something that works for me”. LOL, it sounds shitty. But hell, what his ex liked, what the exact opposite of what I wanted. It took a while to break him of his habit.

Also, some of his “moves” might be things that turn him on. So maybe if you can change the way they happen but incorporate things that turn you on as well, it’ll be a better cooperative event.

Post # 7
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Janielum:  What I’m hearing you say is there appears to be a communication breakdown somewhere; and that your feelings are really starting to be hurt by these actions.  Perhaps he truly does not understand you do not like his ‘moves’? (Some men can be that slow to catch on.)  Sexual intimacy is a key component of a relationship, it’s where the two of you are meant to find that space that is just yours to reconnect with each other.  If there are issues, there is nothing wrong with finding a counselor who can help with the communication… acting as a translator of-sorts between the two of you.  For me, by 2 years, I would be definitly considering that route rather than continued frustration. ***HUGS***

Post # 9
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I found a pastor-couple at my church who knows we live together and we are doing a private communication (counseling) series of sessions with them.  It is really helping to fine-tune the way we talk and understand each other.  If this isn’t an option for you, just for your information – Licensed therapists and counselors fall under the HIPPA law and anything you share with them is kept confidential (unless there is risk of harm to yourself or others).  Even when I did my internship in Pastoral Counseling at a church I had to follow that law.  ….. And trust me, people in that field have heard it all. LOL

Post # 10
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee

If after several talks, during and not during sex, my SO didn’t quit doing moves I didn’t like, I would literally stop in the middle of sex when he did them. Like I would get off of him or push him off me, get dressed, and explain to him that {move} completely turns me off and I simply can’t continue tonight. A few nights of getting no nookie would eventually bring him around. It sounds drastic, and it is, and it definitely won’t work for everyone, but if it’s something you feel could work for you (ie, your FI wouldn’t start a fight for you leaving him hanging with blue balls), you could try it.

A less drastic measure would be to smack his hand away whenever he inches near your rear end or bring everything to a screeching halt for a few minutes or a couple of hours that night whenever he does it.

 

Post # 11
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

*Just My Opinion* but that sounds almost like using sex as a weapon/punishment which if there is already 2 years of communication problems ‘in the bedroom’ could only exacerbate the problem-at-hand. (Again, just my opinion.)

Post # 13
Member
4529 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Janielum:  Is it that you don’t like the moves because you just plain don’t like them and they arent your thing or because you associate them with his past long-term relationship?

Post # 15
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I just wanted to chime in that I had a similar situation with my FI a few years into our relationship. Around the 2-3 year mark I noticed his moves were changing – almost like he was reverting back to rest on his laurels now that we were comfortable with each other.

For example when we first started dating he was an amazing kisser. Like I wanted his lips on me all the time. And he was amazing going down as well. Like he had an insatiable hunger. Then around 2-3 years in his kissing got progressively worse, and there were times when I was like “whoa what is your tongue doing?”.  So I started coaching him and reflecting on how hot he was with his mouth int he past, almost reminding him of what I enjoyed from him in the past. It took a long time… like over a year before I noticed him learning and remembering… but now sex is fantastic again (it’s been 7 years now). 

Sometimes he gets too excited and the kissing starts to suck again, but I keep on him – I pull back and “re-approach” him so he can see I want a fresh start so to speak and we start kissing again but he’s paying more attention.

Anyway, I really hope he starts listening to you or you might have to set some time to sit him down and assert that you cannot continue this way full stop. You both need to be enjoying the moment or else what’s the point, right?

Post # 16
Member
9693 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Janielum:  I would have to think it would fade with time. I dated someone for a very long time (longer than your FI dated his ex) and I admit that for awhile, that relationship history stuck with me. However…I was willing to change and it doesn’t sound like your FI is.

Sometimes in a new situation, you revert to what you know because it is safe. However, your situation isn’t new anymore so dare I say that perhaps your FI is just lazy or being selfish/inconsiderate about your needs.

He assumes what he’s doing is “good enough” when really it isn’t. You have done everything right but if he’s not willing to change, you can’t force him. I could not spend the rest of my life having bad sex, or feeling like I was a replacement for someone else.

I want to feel like an individual, not just someone else to fill his bed.  

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