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No, it doesn't scare me. I think it really depends on the reason for the divorce. I know why my husband divorced his first wife and I totally understand. I divorced my first husband due to abuse...I know my husband doesn't think that makes me more likely to divorce him.
My cousin married a man who was divorced - she said she is glad he was married once before because someone else got to train him.
LOL No - in a way I feel like we are less likely to be divorced because we both were divorced after long term marriages (14 years on mine and 20 years on his) We both really discussed the whys and hows of marriage and why our first ones failed before we committed to a second one.
There is never a crystal ball but I do not believe you can judge based on the fact that he is previously married and then subsequently divorced. Every person is different.
No way does it scare me. And he's been divorced TWICE (me once before). But i'd much rather marry a divorced guy than one who has never made the ultimate commitment. And try to stay away from statistics because supposedly second marriages are MORE likely to fail than the first. Whatevs. Lol I still believe in love and marriage and always will (even if I end up like the late, great Liz)
Nope. She had some issues and he was very fair and kind, and has never said one word against her. They were very young, early 20's and neither got married for the right reasons. So now he KNOWS the right reasons and we have a great foundation.
once more our mantra comes into play "if we hadnt been there we wouldnt be here."
We both took long looks at ourselves after our divorces, the reasons for - and what could we have done differently. We have talked a lot of issues through and know we both try harder.
For one thing- we both really try to not make bricks that can become walls between us. COMMUNICATION is the bridge.....
ok- off my old lady soapbox. I should write a blog- or a book or a cable tv show- or just write on the toilet paper while Im in there.
@retreadbride: hahaha I'd so read your blog/watch your talk show.
Thank you for the advice ladies!
Mine doesn't scare me b/c my FI was the one who stuck it out and tried to fix it after SHE already told him she was in love with another man, but she was the one who made the decision to leave in the end. I think it's taught him a lot about communication and working through issues. It bothered me at first, but once I learned the whole story, I realized he was definitely committed to their relationship.
My DH is divorced and was an encore groom when we married last summer!
Why he divorced was something we got out of the way early on in our R, like maybe on our 3rd date.
What is important (and I agree w/Neva on this one) is the WHY of the divorce.
My DH actually got a divorce for the same reason I did!
His crazy xw cheated on him. And she's now on her umpteenth boyfriend (who'll dump her too, like all the others when they find out of how nuts she is combined with her penchant for being unfaithful).
I consider somebody who is a cheater a huge red flag, and for me that would be a dealbreaker. Also on my list of "dealbreakers" would be: spousal abuse, absent father (as in doesn't pay CS to any children he has).
So get things out of the way early on imho, before committing your heart and life to somebody else! We had that heart-to-heart talk early on, as we felt it was important to clear the air and also feel good about our growing relationship.
Some of the happiest marriages I've been lucky enough to witness are second marriages. There's something to be said for that experience.
If anything, I would think it would make them more serious.. As long as he puts some blame on himself and learned from what was right and what was wrong, I think it's a valuable foundation.
Mr. R isn't divorced, but had ended an 8 year relationship a little over a year before we met. He didn't really want to talk about it.. but I did. It was important for me to know what he learned, what didn't work, what did, what he blamed himself for, and what he feels like he can own and do better going forward.
Every relationship I've had in the past I've learned from as well, and the ones I learned the most from and grew the most from, were the most hurtful.
Literally every single person I know who is remarried says they are so much happier and committed than they were in their first marriage.
I've been divorced, it doesn't scare my fiance. My ex-husband was a cheating asshole, and I tried for 2 years after finding out the first time he cheated on me trying to make it work, but he kept cheating and lying more and more. My fiance knows I won't just get divorced willy-nilly, once I make a commitment I stick to it. (But I also have enough respect for myself to not stay in a toxic situation indefinately.)
have to agree with abbyful -- and like her, I'm the one who's divorced. It was many years ago, but I left a bad situation with cheating involved. And also, I know many people who've married divorcees and they are going on 10, 15 years marriage. Sometimes when you are young(er) you make bad decisions simply b/c you don't have the life experience. And you learn from that and make better choices :)
@blu77 - Oh yeah, I was definately young the 1st time! I was 18, got married right out of high school.
This time I'll be 28.
i might be worried if this was like his 5th marriage or something. but one divorce? everyone makes mistakes and hopefully learns from something like that. i would think he knows what he is doing this time and knows what he wants.
@SoontobeMrsA: Doesn't scare me in the slightest. I know how we both feel about each other. ;)
It actually really doesn't. People who go through divorces are usually pretty eager to NEVER go through one again, because they suck. I imagine most people who remarry do so only when they're in a relationship that they realize is healthier/more satisfying than the one that ended in divorce, and they're sure this marriage won't end up in another divorce. I'm with other posters who say that those they know on their 2nd marriages are often extremely happy- after going through the miserableness that is a bad marriage and a divorce, those people seem that much better at pinpointing what exactly will make them happy this time around and, using their lessons learned, really seem to nail it the next time. (Not true for all of course, but in my experience, most.)
HIS TWO divorces do not scare me.
MY TWO divorces do not scare him!
I'm the one who has been divorced, and I know it doesn't scare him and it doesn't scare me either! I know that this time, I'm getting married for all the right reasons. Last time was of the "shotgun" variety lol :) This time I'm so in LOVE. And I want to devote my life to this man and our family and our future. I think that we should all be open about the past, and then move on from it. I love people who have faith in love, no matter how many times they may have failed. Just keep learning from your mistakes and don't let history repeat itself!
My now DH was possibly the crappiest husband ever. I could tell you stories! Sometimes when we discuss his first marriage, I can't even believe that he is the same person. DH and his ex have a son and they now get along very well, but even she has said that she "wished she got the John that I did" (yeah that was awkward)
We've both been divorced and it doesn't bother us one bit. We both know the reasons why the divorces happened and we both have sons from previous marriages.
There's also the fact that his best friends think we're perfect for each other and get concerned when anything comes up between us. Not a "oh, no, not again" thing but rather an "awww, so sorry, but it'll work out" type way. They're really supportive of us both, which I'm really lucky to have. :)
I'm the one who has been divorced, and it doesn't scare my fiance at all. He understands why my marriage fell apart, because he knew me when I was married. My ex was neglectful, verbally and emotionally abusive, cheated severallll times, and became an alcoholic after we got married. Not to mention got booted out of the Army and landed some jail time after I left him, related to things he did while I lived with him. My fiance and I did not have an affair, and we were acquaintances while I was married. I got to know him a lot better after I got my divorce, and he helped me through the process of grieving my failed marriage. So he knows I am perfectly capable of being a loving, committed wife, and I'm in it for the long haul :]
Just now, he knows I've grown a spine and won't let myself be degraded the way I was before.
I'll be the voice of dissent and say that, yes, my fiance's prior divorce scares me. This is my first marriage, but his second marriage. Many different factors play into feeling uncomfortable with his divorce, but the biggest one is the fear that if he made the "wrong" choice once before, what's to say he's not making the wrong choice again? I'm sure that's not the healthiest perspective, but I try not to focus on it and I can say honestly that it doesn't really affect our relationship in any substantive way. However, I do think I wouldn't have that fear if my fiance had not been married once before.
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As you guys know, my mom lacks tact. It's really not her fault-it seems to be a side effect of her stroke. But that doesn't mean the things she say hurt any less.
Take the other night.
Mom: Mr. A is divorced.
Me: I'm well aware.
Mom: Well doesn't that scare you?
Me: No... Why would it?
Mom: Well now you know he's willing to be divorced. He already did it to one wife.
Me: So do you wanna order a pizza?
BUT she got me thinking. My daughter's therapist told me that people who are divorced are more likely to get a second one.
Does his prior divorce scare you? Does your scare him?
I'd like to add that one of the happiest women I know is on her third marriage after a brutal divorce and losing her second husband to a sudden heart atatck.